Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Needing some moral support

So, with DS2 snuggling on me and hopefully falling asleep soon, I'll try to be a bit more helpful.
Your DS is experiencing both outer and inner asynchrony - outer asynchrony because his verbal development is completely out of synch with his peers, and no amount of translating or encouragement of sign language with other toddlers will help remedy that. By the time a typically developing toddler will have learnt a few signs, your DS will have moved way beyond that again. So, play dates and play groups with age peers that make you feel uncomfortable and feeling judged will just have to go. Prepare to lose friends over that (were they real friends int the first place?). Neither you nor he are benefitting any - if you just need to leave the house, libraries, museums, shopping malls, bookstores, parks, swimming pools etc are much better bets. You have had good advice from others already on stuff to do.
But you are probably still looking for a connection with other moms, and want to find playmates for him. That is where inner asynchrony comes into play - he may speak like a three year old, may want to play with much older kids, but isn't developmentally ready for it, because he has the impulse control, frustration tolerance and play skills of a much younger toddler - even though he may want to play cooperatively, he may be unable to, because he may not be able to let go, share and take turns the way three year olds are beginning to.
So, what to do? For both your sakes, you will have to look for others families among your and your husbands friends. As odd as it may feel to think "my kids get to play only with other kids whose parents have PhDs", it may be a necessary selection criterion - well, never having finished my own PhD, at least being able to (and have pleasure in doing so) interact with gifted adults (the real you, not the mask you are wearing for parental activities). If they genuinely like hanging with the two of you, they and their kids will not be fazed by yours.
Because of inner asynchrony, even gifted toddlers may not be able to interact well with each other until they are bit older, so the perfect playmate would be a very verbal gifted girl of about four who would love to have a little brother to baby and boss around. DS8, who is HG+ and very asynchronous! never played well with others until he was five! even kids who should have been a "good fit". Dd4, possibly less gifted, but certainly less asynchronous and "pointy", and, of course, a girl, did great at just two with another little girl who is very verbally gifted and simply happens to be the daughter of an old friend of my husband. They're still BFFs. Dumb luck.
So, keep looking, it's not impossible but you do need to work on finding playmates and you need a bit of luck - hope fully you live in a college town or city so you have a good chance of striking gold at some point. But do not put much hope or energy in those typical toddler groups.

As for toys: start ignoring age designations right away. Some toy stores, indoor playgrounds and libraries (and of course families with older kids) have playrooms with preschooler toys you can try out - duplos, playmobil, schleich animals, magnetic blocks, brio trains...find out what he likes and try to buy that second hand. Forget the choking hazard thing - if he had older siblings,he'd be exposed to all of it anyway,and he's never alone at his age, so you can supervise.
Nice story for. Asynchrony: DS8, then two,was racing through a puzzle for four year olds, picks up a piece, looks at me, grins and bites off a piece of the piece. Guess that was a choking hazard. But there was no way I could have kelt him occupied with one of those big wooden toddler puzzles. It helps to let go of expectations yourself, and grow a thick skin against the expectations of others.

It doesn't slow down much with age, I agree. At 3, books are a wonderful tool for easing transitions. If I am honest, I'd characterize them as our domestic currency. DS will negotiate anywhere from 5 to 10 books at each of these times: waking in the morning, eating brunch, settling for nap, dinner, and settling for bed. (I love snuggling and reading, so there are no complaints from me!) We have a personal collection of about 400-500 books for DS (this is where our discretionary spending money that used to go to my wardrobe goes), so that gives us some variety. Wherever we go, I ensure we have a half dozen new library books to read.

As an anecdote, I remember visiting my in-laws for Thanksgiving the year DS turned 2. We were staying overnight and I packed a backpack with all of our clothes and filled a wheeled suitcase with 40lbs of books. MIL looked at it like I was crazy, but conceded the next day that DS had obviously needed the books, because that was the way he asked to spend all his time.

As for play dates, I haven't bothered much until now, mostly because I despise the topics of conversation at most of those groups. Children learn prosocial skills from adults, and DS has two engaged playmates in DH and me. DS has one good friend, an age peer boy who is likely gifted, and we have a standing weekly play date for him. I'm creating a mixed age play group at our church in the hope of gaining DS access to some of the age peers' older siblings. Save your effort for now, I say.

Things do get easier eventually although I wouldn't say problems go completely away as they age. We recently donated boxes of toys to a preschool and they were much appreciated. If I were to do it all over again, I'd stick even closer to open-ended toys. She's still using her rainbow silk scarves. Some of the nerdy toys like unit cubes can be great for imaginative plays too.

I stopped discussing DD's development with other parents after 12 months. During the first year, we talked about weight, height, and basic gross motor skills but when the topics moved to cognitive and speech language milestones, it became very uncomfortable. Oh, yes, she can account but isn't that normal? No?

The best socialization for DD has been with a teenage girl we all adore. She's leaving for college this fall and DD and I are already depressed over losing her.

DD is 4.5 now and she is finally gaining some level of acceptance with her preferred plate mates - boys age 7 to 9. SO is not happy about this trend at all and neither am I actually but she says they play the way she likes with LEGO and video games. She thinks girls (and boys) around her age are too different from her although she has one age-mate girlfriend she asks to play with all the time.

It's been a long journey for us and we are still taking it day by day.

Hi,

This is a long, long response. But I really want you to know: (a) I know how lonely, isolated you feel, (b) you aren't alone - the folks here are with you, and (c) folks not in our world do not know, do not care to know and likely couldn't understand what you are going through. Somebody said "alien" above. Exactly.

You and your DH and especially your DS may well be the subject of unfair judging and you must always keep (c) foremost in your mind. I latch on to it on a daily basis, and it helps me remember to give my DS7 the unconditional love he needs and deserves.

You will develop discipline and development strategies that are entirely unlike anything you read or are coached about by family and friends. That's OK. You are not raising a kid like those described by those books or experienced by most of those who will try to advise you. Discipline and development are just as important for your child as for every other child. But the nature of the discipline and development strategies that work for your DS will likely need to be quite outside the box. I smile and nod and thank people for their advice. I even consider it carefully. But I never, NEVER let it override what I know is best for my child. Even when it would be momentarily less embarrassing to give in and pretend I'm like they are, my child is like their's is. This is harder than it sounds.

One of us said above: "I have to admit we never had much luck with the social stuff at that age. After a few years things got easier because she could socialize with older kids more easily."

Starting at about your child's age, we gave up on playdates. DS is now 7, and we probably have had less than 20 play dates in his entire life. And they are never, ever part of a group. One-on-one only. And I still carefully supervise. When I was fretting about social skills, another wise parent of a PG kids told me, "If you put him in a situation where he is destined to fail - he'll learn social skills, but they won't be good ones. It's no more fair than putting a (neurotypical) toddler in a position where they have to read to be part of the fun. It's just not fair until he's emotionally, and developmentally ready." So we let DS interact with big kids and adults, and he is only now starting to really have some healthy friend relationships with kids in his class. I'm glad we waited.

For day-to-day fun in the 1.5-3.5 year time frame:

1. Lots of outside time is critical. And playing at the park on play structures didn't count for us. And doing organized sports or other activities CERTAINLY didn't count. DS needed unstructured outside time in a place as close to "wild" as possible. The coast. The woods. Unpaved trails, meadows, sand dunes and cliffs were what made him happy. Oh, and creeks. Good heavens, the time we spent with him wading in creeks. (And with other moms saying to their kids with pointed exasperation, "I know he is in the creek, but you are NOT going in there and getting all wet and dirty.")

2. Toys: almost as soon as he could talk, DS said "I don't really like toys." What he meant was he didn't like anything that directed his play. So - classic - his favorite toys were sticks, boxes, tape, string, puddles and the hose. Good lord the hose. We are in California so I worried drought-wise. But the hours that kid spent experimenting quietly, on his own (and doesn't that sound lovely to an exhausted mom), with water were amazing.

3. Books: When DS was little I remember reading a post by a mom who said her kids had read every book in the kid section of their library. "Bah - hyperbole," I thought. Not so much. We read and read and read and get enormous overdue fines because I can't keep track of all the books from various libraries. And from an early age, DS wanted to abandon "baby books" that didn't give him the information he really needed about minerals or cars or space or whatever. You are really never going to be able to have enough books. Along those lines - I highly recommend audio books. Even from 18 months, DS could listent for over an hour to an audio book.

I won't lie - the time from 1.5 years until 5.5 years was really, really hard, and getting harder all the time. At about 5.5 years we plateaued at "so hard and stressful I thought I couldn't handle it." But then, bit-by-bit, things have started better. Our chosen discipline strategy (explain the rule, natural consequences, try not to get too angry, try always to show understanding and love), is paying off.

Much of the understanding came from folks like you'll meet on this board. You have a hard, but unbelievably rewarding row to hoe. You can do it. We can help. It will be fun and exciting - you'll see. Just not a short term project!!

Warmly,
Sue

Puppets....I had a whole huge box of puppets. Some plush expensive ones and dozens from oriental trading company. We loved using them with books or telling our own stories. Or just making the animal noises for the animals.

And my boys both loved a dress up box. My ten year old still has one (he loves drama).

My 15yo still has a dress-up box. She was another puppet fan.

An oops.

I wanted to thank you all for your replies. Now I feel crazy because I'm all teary eyed after reading through everything. I'm really not alone! I hope this comes across in the way I intend, emotions are so difficult to convey on a message board. I'm scared that my son will be more like my husband than me. I know he is still very young and I shouldn't worry so much but 1) I'm Mom so it's my job to worry and, 2) I know how hard it is for my husband. I have much empathy for those of you raising PG children. There are times my husband forgets to reign himself in and he lets all his intellect hang out and I'm standing there slack jawed. The man decided to take up French last year and was fluent and reading academic articles within 6 months. My brain can't even comprehend how he does it. We are teaching our son both French and sign language so I'm all ears to any resources for French learning. I have been using the Little Pim French series because my son holds up the Kindle and demands to see the Panda.

I find myself going to play dates because we moved to a new state and started new non-academic jobs a few weeks before my son was born. Why? My husband did not pass his tenure review. Why? Because he has perfectionism paralysis! The man can write for a month and only produce two sentences that he deems worthy to see the light of day. I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about.

I now live in the middle of a corn field with little access to people typical of our previous social circle. I also work from home now which severely limits my ability to meet people in general. My husband is as social as Grumpy Cat and has not made much progress in the way of making friends for us.

So much of what you all said makes me feel my son is "normal." Sometimes I read books with him for 4+ hours a day! There are piles upon piles of book in every room. I went to the local library book sale and bought two wagons worth about 6 months ago. I was embarrassed to admit how much my son and I read together though I don't know why. It sounds like most of you have dealt with this same issue. My son will sit down and we will read 30-40 books at one time. I've never seen anything like it. He prefers to point out and name all the pictures rather than listen to a story so that's what we do. Who am I to say how to read a book? Ha!

Water is also a big entertainment activity. I take him to a local children's museum with a big water table. Sometimes he plays at the water table for an hour or more. Kids come and kids go and my little guy remains focused on the task at hand. The employees often comment on his remarkable attention span.

Our best play dates (because if I stop having play dates that will mean I never interact with another grown up other than my husband!) are with a woman who has a 4 yo girl and 1 yo girl. The 4 yo is reading chapter books so she doesn't give me weird looks. I will pursue this further. My son loves the older girl and she likes to baby him and they play chase. The other ladies in the play group were not really my friends anyway. I met them because we live in the same neighborhood and our children were all born within two weeks of each other. I didn't know what my son would be like back then but he was definitely different from the other babies from the beginning. I figured he would be smart but I never really thought about what that looked like in reality. My sitter has been telling me his entire life that she has never had another baby like him but I thought she was joking or trying to make me feel good as a new parent.

I know even as his peers catch up in verbal ability my son's vocabulary will be so far beyond their comprehension, at least for a while. I honestly have no idea how many words he can say because he adds so many new ones every day. This morning he identified a thermometer. What the heck? How did he know that?

I will try to get some more puppets and see how that goes. My son already knows that the puppet isn't real if that makes sense. He knows it's me or my husband putting our hand in there making it talk and move. I know he likes magnets too. I hadn't considered it before but he already knows all his body parts so I should get some body books. I mean, why would it occur to me to get body books for a 16 month old? Ha! He also loves owls. He knows every book that has an owl in it and every page on which he can find an owl. I had not considered a trip to the bird sanctuary but it sounds like I need to do that.

I will take this one day at a time. It may be that my son is ahead right now and his peers will catch up with him and that's ok. I will be perfectly fine with that as long as he is happy. For now I will have to think a bit outside the box and do some things I was not expecting to do.

Part of me wants to word vomit all the stuff that freaks me out about my son just to make sure someone else has been through it and come out on the other side. I never thought he would be doing these things so young.

Unless there is a physical reason not to have another child as soon as possible. Yes these are very demanding kids but them having to wait and share and later having someone to play with is worth it. Help him learn new ways to play with his old toys and rotate toys.

My DS from birth had an intense need to be in busy places with other kids. Fortunately, our neighbourhood is awash with PhDs, so he didn't stand out, well, quite so much. If your DS - and you! - need to get out there with other people as we did, here's some thoughts to find places with fewer evil glares:

* Avoid activities/ places mostly frequented by first-time moms
* Find open-ended, mixed-age activities (including playgrounds) where people are likely to bring their multiple kids: more experienced, less insecure parents, plus your DS can gravitate to whoever he wants to play with
* Find activities/ places more likely to be frequented by those "PhD types" mentioned above - playgroups or programs at or near a university or museum, for example

And, alas, grow some rather thick skin. As has been noted, you may find your parenting judged. A lot. But here, be welcome!

P.S. With respect to toys, good building toys last forever if you have that kind of kid. There's "little kid" as well as regular versions of Lego/ Duplo, Meccano, tinker toys and K'Nex, as well as Strawz, Zoob, K'Nex and Magformers. Our local consignment shop and garage sales were life savers. A teacher supply store can sometimes get you the much larger sets at less painful prices. Oh, and toy kitchens and train sets also have amazing longevity for many kids.

ETA: Just saw Portia's post, so many memories! Everything she said, but especially WATER. Thousands of hours. Every conceivable form of container and combination to create layers and moving parts and mixing and pouring, oh the pouring! My kitchen cabinetry never recovered, but for my kids it was bliss.