Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Title change: Talking About Mortality

Our DD is another in the 'no sheltering' boat. We figured early on that she seemed to just know a ton of stuff she shouldn't and that the best bet was to just be upfront. I remember reassuring her (this would have been before her third birthday) that while yes, all living things die, humans tend to last a really long time and none of us were planning on dying any time soon. But she wasn't hugely upset, more mildly concerned. When she was 7, she chose to be in the room when we had our dog euthanized and it was a very positive experience for the whole family in terms of dealing with sorrow and mourning at losing our good friend.

She's sensitive about so many other things (perfectionism, criticism, change, finding meaning) that I'm glad she's not also sensitive to these other adult topics.

I was going to log on today to ask a similar question. Our daughter, age 5, is suddenly quite worried about death. She understands death at this point. She is quite concerned that I will pass in the night. She will creep into our room in the middle of the night to check on me. She is very quiet, I only know it because I am a light sleeper. Each night before bed she asks about death and when we will die and how old we will be. We try to be both reassuring but honest. Interestingly, I can recall being afraid of my parents dying in the night when I was young. I used to wake them up to see if they were alive so perhaps this is an improvement?

And the broccoli comment cracked me up

My first conversation with DD on this issue was about how I'm going to turn into a pile of ash and bones upon my death. I can't recall her exact age but I believe she was around 3 and a half?

I was not prepared to discuss it.

Now that she's 4, she seems to have gotten very pragmatic about it. She is planning on learning to drive as soon as possible so she can get to places after my death. She has accepted that everyone dies and as she puts it, there is nothing you can do to stop time. She doesn't seem to be all that traumatized by understanding mortality at a young age.

As for arguing and debating endlessly, we tell her that we're reasonable and we're always open to listening to her opinions as long as she is being rational. That doesn't mean that she'll get her way but if she makes a convincing and persuasive argument, then we might change our mind. She's gotten better about dropping things when she has no valid counterpoints.

My DS who is almost 4 has been discussing this since Easter when he was two. He saw a church play and afterward he couldn't stop crying, missed the egg hunt because he had to understand death. It was heartbreaking. I should have known. He was sobbing, saying, "this man named Jesus died and his mommy was so sad!" And the questions began. Most of his family is Christian and so I explain that "some people believe this happens and some people believe this happens". Here's a story you all can get the humor and embarrassment of: in Dec we went to his great grandmother's 90th. We have been telling him that people die around 100 (which used to be a big number to him-our thoughts were to keep his and our death seem really distant but still a reality) so at the party he sees 90th birthday napkins and says, "oh! GG is 90, she will die soon but she still has 10 more years". He talks very, very loudly. Luckily she takes everything in stride.
He even asks if he and his brother die, will we adopt children? Almost takes me breath away. I try to stop what I'm doing and really be present when he's working through these thoughts.

My DS4 has been asking deep questions about death for a year at least. My parents' cats died, then our dog died. He put together that garbage decomposes and if we bury people when they die do they decompose? This freaks him out to no end.
Anyway, do typical kids not understand death as permanent at 3? Is it the depth of questioning that makes our kids' understanding of death atypical or the fact that they can't stop thinking about it? It has led to much debate on his end over if he wants to be a vegetarian, which I believe I read a discussion about here as well.

Funny--I do not remember giving that advice, Tigerle, but I do remember saying those things to my DD, so yes, it must have been me. I'm glad it helped. Both of my children have gone through this phase, btw, but DD was worse with it than DS.

To this day, I still need to sometimes tell DD that something is my job to worry about, not hers. I think sometimes very smart children feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and worry that adults are not really all that competent. Both of my kids are smarter than I am in some ways (I'm smart-- but they have gifts in areas where I am lacking, and are also very "quick" in ways that I am not) and I think DD, in particular, knows this and finds it unsettling and anxiety-inducing. It's something not often talked about, perhaps because adults don't really like to admit it when it's the case.

When our first child (DD10) was 3.5, I remember being upstairs in the house and suddenly hearing this loud crying and wailing coming from downstairs. She had been discussing the 'cycle of life' with DH and her little mind leaped to the conclusion that she would eventually die. DH decided on honesty and confirmed this fact. She was distraught - I don't remember how I calmed her but I did eventually.

She's never mentioned it again, but I always wonder if it feeds into her ongoing anxiety about being sick (she often worries that she is catching the flu, Ebola, or has cancer).

Strangely, this fear has never led her to eat broccoli (or other fruits or vegetables very much), despite our assurances it would make her healthier.

My DS was 3.5 when our cat died. He has not tested as gifted, and in fact is somewhat delayed in social/emotional skills, and though he does not have a clear diagnosis. He clearly had no idea why everyone was sad or what was going on. When we buried her, and my DD (then 7) was bawling her eyes out, he skipped up, looked at her body, said, "Have a nice nap, kitty!" and skipped off. This definitely made it all the tougher on DD, who was distraught and didn't get over it for at least a year.

While I agree that emotional readiness to process these topics varies by child and may be academic to them, it may not be an academic topic to whoever is in listening vicinity in public. When the child has the emotional readiness, sensitivity and maturity on when, where and with whom these topics are appropriate to discuss is another gauge of how much information to share.

Well, DS is 8 so it must have been more than five years ago - in another incarnation on MDC, not this board. Oddly, it was the one thing that did help. And it broke the vicious cycle of DS being unable to even stand the topic, and we could talk a bit about how healthy we were and how old most people are when they die (luckily, longevity runs in the family...).