Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Early interest in the opposite sex

My DD11 has been interested in boys from afar for some time, but has become more actively interested lately. Note, she is absolutely NOT pubescent physically. She resembles me physically at this age, and I think this will not happen till she is about 14. Her interest appears to be more...romantic/spiritual/cognitive/yearning for connection???....than physical, but it sure is there.

A few months ago, she really hit it off with a boy a couple of years older than she is. He's a very nice kid and I have no concerns, as I'm sure it's a very innocent little crush that will go nowhere. (I know she is actually interested because I asked her, and her response was a dead giveaway. I can't tell if the boy is, but he is happy to talk to my DD a lot.) But in a year or two? Yeah, I don't know. It's strange because in other ways, I consider her very immature.

Anyone else have a child like this? DD is smart (obviously), independent as hell, and very very stubborn.

I should mention, sex ed has been well covered here and she is comfortable talking to us about that stuff.

Except that she had one age-normal infatuation at age 3-4, my DD is nothing like this. She has no problems playing with boys, but she has no romantic interests.

Some of the behaviors of her classmates... yikes. DD was reporting kids kissing as early as kindergarten. She had a friend at ages 6-8 who acted like a boy-crazy early teenager. It made me wonder, "Whatever happened to the 'boys are yucky' phase?"

So yeah, what makes this sort of unique to this board (possibly) is that she does not act "boy-crazy." It's not giggly-squee. It's pretty serious (to her).

She does actually think MOST boys are uninteresting. Except for those who...aren't.

I think that's the problem with some of the PG kids. Since they are reading teenager books much earlier, their fantasy is way ahead of their physical age. (We love them to read but 2 years ago (when DD was 8), I was shocked by finding out what she was reading). We don't have that problem yet but I can see that happening soon enough.

Yes. Well, sort of. I mean, as you note-- this isn't about physical "interest" of a romantic nature, it's more about an intense one-on-one "relationship" of some sort.

DD's first crush like this was with a classmate-- and was fully reciprocal, btw-- she was almost 12, and her classmate had just turned 14. They knew one another quite well, and it had grown very naturally out of that, and their close friendship with one another. She is STILL close friends with this person-- both are in college (at rival flagship uni's, in fact). It sounds very very similar to what you're describing, UM.

As far as I've been able to tell, this is yet another facet of her asynchrony-- she really IS ready to be a serious girlfriend to someone. It's that most of her peers are not, if that makes any sense. It's a hard thing to describe-- she won't ALLOW someone that she's involved with to be doing self-destructive things without saying something (usually gently and effectively). Her version of "caring" is doing things like making sure that her partner is well-rested, not in trouble with other friends/family, etc. etc. This also translates into her not really giving the time of day to "bad" or risk-taking people, though-- so drugs/alcohol/sex are not really things that she is having to fend off. She doesn't hang out with people who lean that direction. It is surprisingly mature.

Her current partner's parents have noted that to us.

The magic mix there seems to be that they KNOW that she is PG, but it doesn't actually define her with them-- that is, she is {DD} rather than her exceptionalities, which are numerous.

The parents are not competitive over it, and neither are the two youngsters. They support one another without stepping on one another's toes, and they share some (but not all) of their interests, and have a similar pattern of asynchrony (with physical lagging the rest).

The other youngster is also quite clearly some flavor of gifted-- and 2e, which means that parents understand that we're not helicopter parents, just loving and healthily aware of our DD's life, and believing that kids need guidance whether they are always thrilled about it or not, and that such kids have idiosyncratic developmental arcs.

That last point is really key, honestly.

They've seen enough of DD to know that in spite of the apparent seriousness of the relationship, she is NOT brazen or overly sexualized or anything like it. She's EMOTIONALLY at a different place than her physical years on the planet, that's all.

DD talks to me-- VERY openly, and I'm a pretty neutral listener. I've also remained vigilant and highly involved. I'm neither overtly encouraging her-- nor judging what she tells me. I'm treating what she tells me as being at more or less face value, and at the maturity level that is PRESENTING to me.

It's disconcerting, to be sure, when what comes out of her mouth is more along the lines of what one might expect from a 21 or 22yo disclosing to a best girlfriend... and those ARE the kinds of things she is thinking.

But she really IS thinking them. It's not me making assumptions about what is running through her head. I ask a lot of questions and make few statements, if that helps.

I must respectfully disagree.

My DD has nothing like what one might reasonably call "typical" teenaged fantasies coming out of literature or other media influences.

She disdains such things-- openly and viscerally. She won't DRESS like other teenaged girls (never has), she doesn't like the promiscuity in pop culture, and LOATHES the dysfunctional relationship/romance stuff portrayed in things like Twilight, which she openly mocks as cheap trash.

She is all about the real, and her issues/concerns are very much those of many young women who are 18-22 years of age.

I've slowly come to realize that this is probably just part of the asynchrony that underlies being this LOG. It's idiosyncratic-- so I have to parent what I have and not spend too much time worrying about "normal" as long as it doesn't seem to be too unhealthy.

It's a strange, strange world when your 15yo is a pretty college co-ed. Believe me, we are frequently grateful that she is "attached" to someone that seems to value her just as she is. It keeps her out of the shark tank, so to speak.

Well, actually I am not sure that it would be considered particularly early. Kids in DS/DD's 5th grade classes last year were asking each other "out" and there were talks of boyfriend/girlfriend pairs, especially during the 2nd half of the school year. A few of these involved their friends and if physical, I hope they were only mildly so but can't say for sure.

DD11 only had one crush and it was from K/1 while DS11 only had one crush that lasted a couple of years in elementary. They were not "physical" in any way. As far as I know so far this year in 6th grade, there isn't anyone special but they are extremely picky.

Perhaps partly due to the twin thing, both DS and DD interact with the opposite gender more than typical. My two are also small and likely to hit puberty late as well so I have been concerned with what will be happening around them in the next couple of years. In fact, many of their classmates are physically my size and larger. What is also somewhat disturbing was learning that they knew of a few 6th graders at their school who were held back and are already 14 to their 11.

I can't quite discern exactly at what "level" DD's feelings are, only that they are not age-typical in the sense of being super-silly giggly crush. She interacted very intelligently and at length with the boy she likes--they had long conversations, which she does not do with 90% of boys her age. She did not act silly or flirty. However, she has been known to write dramatic, intense love lyrics and poems. Since age 8, actually!

She does everything with intensity, so I don't know why this would be any different. But still.

My DS8 likes girls-- and I think it has to do with their different appearance as much as the imaginative, organized way many of his girl "friends" prefer to play. The often long hair, complicated clothing, social relationships etc. is fascinating to him. He's not like I was-- anxious, embarrassed, or repelled by boy/girl stuff. I get embarrassed just by his questions. When he's older, I am bracing myself for some major crushes, and given his inquisitive nature, I'm sure he will be consulting me on every detail.

I wonder if your DD is starting to veer into crush territory (totally normal and not early for a girl), but may also be intrigued by differences. That strikes me as "smart" thing-- being curious and trying to "get" how the other gender thinks and responds to the world.

My son has had a couple of crushes on girls, as early as about 2nd grade. He is very social and friends with everyone, but tends not to have a best friend per se. The first moved away to a different state - he was hopeful she would return, but it wasn't to be. The second was in 5th grade - he was 10 - and he and a few other boys liked her. He actually got into a scuffle with a friend over her LOL Apparently, she made him "tingle" inside. He's 11 and now in Middle School - there is one girl I think he likes, but he hasn't admitted it yet

Just a quick note - (in a hurry lol) - I'm with the folks who noted this doesn't sound like it's all *that* young. It's not going to hit every child at this age, but there have been quite a few kids in my children's classes who started showing interest in the opposite sex in a non-friend sort of way from 4th grade on up. It was just a smattering here or there of kids with no idea really what they were talking about, but by 5th grade there were definitely kids who were interested and aware.

I'm probably not saying that well - sorry I had to post and run so quickly!

Best wishes,

polarbear

I fell in love with a boy in 4th grade. He and I remained friends until we were 16 and then we dated for 2 years. I think by 4th grade, when you meet someone special, you'd have the awareness to know.

He is happily married now and while it's been a long time since I had any romantic feelings for him, I still think of him as someone who has a really positive influence on my life. I do believe these "early" relationships make imprints that can last a life time.

Relating to the physical side I'll be the negative voice...

I would say it is normal (esp if you are in a home where there is non biologically related male - according to some research.)

I was this kid, although closer to 9 years old. I was VERY aware of what was going on as well. I was exceptionally fortunate that I was goofy looking, had found myself surrounded by shy boys my own age, and responsible non molestery type adults as I would have been easy pickings. I wasn't lonely just very curious. I also had terrible self esteem and used male attention to improve my self perception.

I would say just keep a close eye on your DD's friends, and self esteem. I believe if you keep her feeling good about herself she will have the ability to make the right decisions about her body. She's going to be interested when she's ready. I guess your job is to keep that interest in an appropriate format for your family.
My parents were oblivious and would have described me as you describe your daughter, FWIW I didn't "mature" until I was over 13.

I am not sure whether this is what you describe - but ds8 has rather intense crushes. He clearly has a crush on his best friend in school - thank god she likes him a lot too, and so does her mom, though she also has close friends among the girls in class and DS just prefers her company above that of the other boys. I realized that the relationship was more intense for DS than just an ordinary elementary school boy girl friendship when I took him to her house for a play date and we brought a sweater she had forgotten somewhere. DS, sitting in the passenger seat in the car, sniffed the sweater, inhaled deeply in fact, and was very embarrassed when he noticed me noticing. I made a noncommittal remark about how it's interesting that you often can tell who a piece of clothing belongs to just by the smell, and he nodded, looking relieved. I kinda thought that was early at the age of 7.

I don't think it's young for crushes at all. (DD has had crushes since 7ish. I know some kids don't have them at all till much later, but DH and I both did and DD is like us, I guess.) I think it's a bit on the young side for serious romantic interest, which is what I see developing in my daughter. I have no idea if a physical interest is there. I'm thinking no. It's more that the readiness for emotional/romantic intensity is early.

I am aware of at least two other boys who have had crushes on DD, so she seems to attract interest from the other side as well. (I don't think DD ever knew! Their moms told me.) She may be "crushable" for certain types of boys because she is interested in some "boy" things and is friendly and outgoing and happy to run around, get dirty, etc.

I had early interest. I'm male, and it began around age 10.

Interest beginning around age 11 for a girl does not sound all that unusual. Her level of intensity may be unusual, but that is just who she is, and it may be a component of her giftedness.

In my case, the objects of my interest were always considerably older than I was--as in, 5 years to a decade or two older. If your DD's interest remains limited to a boys only a few years older than she is, then that will be much easier to manage than my situation was.

All of this to say: Your DD seems just fine.

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