Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Is DS really that different?

Do you ever find yourself buying into the "they'll be 'right" mentality and questioning the impact of giftedness? DS5 is in the highly gifted range, and we are currently in the process of applying to a new school for next year that I think will be better able to cater to his needs. I know his educational needs are different, I suspect that he is not currently being challenged in most school subjects. Then I find myself thinking, well he is only in K, how much can they really do with him this year. Then as other kids' reading is progressing, I think, maybe DS is not that different. Maybe part of it is that DS has become my norm. I remember worrying a bit about DD because she didn't know the alphabet by 2. Then I realised that was perfectly normal. I think another part of it is my aversion to confrontation and internalising society's view of high intelligence as something not to be discussed. If I had a musically talented child and was switching schools, I would easily be able to answer the question, why are you changing schools? But there is no comfortable answer to that question when academics are the concern. Not that academics are the only concern, asynchronous development and social skills are up there, but we are aware of the risks if appropriate academic material is not presented. But it is not socially acceptable to talk about how a school might fail to meet the needs of a bright child. And it feels isolating, and does lead to me second guessing myself. I start to picture how other people would view my concerns for DS. I know that most 3 year olds do not come up to their mom, guide her over to their letter blocks and say, "look mom I spelt oxygen"(he had oxajni). But I find as he gets older, and his difference is less obvious, I sometimes start to think maybe he's not that different after all, and it is more difficult to resist the societal pressure to downplay the differences.

There seem to be two topics in your post.

1. How academically different/advanced is my child after all?

2. Is it socially acceptable to publically discuss academic ability (even though it's totally socially acceptable to discuss athletic, musical, etc. ability)?

I suppose part of what I am reflecting on is how the social view of giftedness and its acceptability influences my own constructs and perceptions of my sons' abilities.

I question this too because my ds9 doesn't think big deep thoughts like some HG kids. He just plows quickly and easily through stuff (and might already know stuff)...his rate of learning is head spinning...like super absorbent paper towel. He could easily do 2years of curriculum for every one others do with an occasional grade skip thrown in for good measure.

So on one hand I see his rate of learning as being exceptional. But on the other hand I see him as pretty similar (just a tad sharper) than his peers in many ways.

I am already stressing about next year and this year is only 1/4 done (on Thursday).

I understand all the things you are saying.

It is hard to believe what we see in our children and there is a lot of social pressure to not talk about gifted in an academic sense. Quite ok to cheer for an outstandingly sporty or musical kid because the majority of people don't feel badly about themselves if they are average at music or sport. It's socially acceptable to be average in those areas. If a child is academically out of the box, then there are those that take that as a negative judgement on their own or their children's abilities.

It's hard to talk about seeking a better academic experience, because everyone wants the best education for their children and don't see that gifted provisions aren't needed for every child. While access to gifted services is seen as some kind of competition that anyone should have the right to, rather than the provision of appropriate services then we will be made to feel like our kids are getting something better or more than other kids.

Believe in your child and do your best but you will have to pick your audience if you want to talk about your child. It's not fair and maybe it will change but I am not seeing it so far.

We are too similar! I often have wondered the same thing about my DS. He is "normal" to me and he doesn't seem so different. I get reminded once in a while that he is an outlier. I occasionally even wonder if maybe the test results were wrong. It's totally ridiculous! He has proven several times over that I shouldn't question it.

I also have a younger daughter and have a hard time not comparing them. I was concerned too about her not hitting the same milestones as quickly. (She has her own things she excels at, but normal with letters/reading.)

I changed schools this year and have had to answer that dreaded "why" question a few dozen times. If I said anything about giftedness, it was not well received. I think the term "gifted" is tainted. What I found that worked as a better, more accepted approach to that question was to say that "he is working beyond his grade level and his former school could not support him". It says everything it needs to say. His new school isn't a school for gifted kids, but they are doing an awesome job so far and he loves it. Good luck!

They key is to find other parents of gifted kids. This can be hard to do because it's taboo to even talk about, so then how do you find out? If you are able to volunteer in the class that will give you a good idea of which kids are advanced, and their parents probably have similar concerns, and you can broach the topic delicately. A lot of kids don't appear to be "that" gifted and don't fit stereotypical traits, or else those traits come out later or in different ways. DS for instance acted like he couldn't care less about reading (even though he could read early) and actively resisted it at times. Now he actively reads a lot of different things and is constantly talking about what he is reading, so he fits more of the "gifted traits" that did not appear before. Gifted kids go through "phases" where they might at times seem not so gifted, or seem advanced in some areas and not others, or make a lot of progress and then regress a bit or slow way down, just like typical kids do. But I also have to say that in Kindergarten, it's going to be really hard to tell what the child is going to look like in the future because they are still changing so much at that age, and research has found that IQ is highly variable til around the middle elementary years. The kids who look very gifted in kindergarten might not look very gifted 3 years later. And vice versa. Unless you are talking about the extreme ends of the spectrum (probably the very top percentiles will stay at the top or near the top).

I totally understand.

Our ds now 11 was in the local public school 1st through 4th grade.
He went to a private preschool and kindergarden. He took the sb5 at 6yrs old which confirmed our suspicions that the was (bright) LOL. The public elementary school subject accelerated him 2 years in math and LA. Then in 4th grade he was basically out of curriculum for the school (the teacher would work with him). 4th grade year was basically a wash except for math which we supplemented at home and with a tutor.

The spring of the 4th grade year we took him to a math competition at a local gifted school. It just clicked, he was in a gymnasium filled with kids who were good at math. He won 2nd place in a group competition, you could not wipe the smile off his face.

For the longest he was tested beyond what was needed. He took the EXPLORE in 3rd grade and hit Davidsons benchmarks on each subject. With all that it was that night at the math competition and that smile that made it sink in. He is now in that school.

The local public elementary school did all they could. I could not expect the 4th grade teacher to teach him at the level he needed in any subject really.

That is a brief of our story.

I get it-- yes, the top 1% or fraction of 1% is makes a kid different academically, and probably in other ways too.

I think many parents have hang ups thinking/talking about high intellect, so much so that we may second guess it even when our own children exhibit signs.

Once giftedness is established, it's hard to sort through needs because needs vary from child to child-- and we're generally taught that children should go to school and behave themselves, do their work, and not make waves. I have learned through my son however, that boredom in school should be only an occasional thing- perhaps when learning how to construct a sentence or practicing spelling words-- not an all day, every day situation. I don't know who could function happily in that kind of environment.

This is all a bit disjointed, but you're not alone in your feelings. Yes, an HG child is going to have academic needs that far exceed what is provided in a typical classroom. Yes, it's absolutely okay to discuss this with teachers and other parents of gifted kids. No, I wouldn't talk about it much with parents of typical kids. In spite of good intentions, no one likes it said, implied, etc. that what is good enough for their child is not good enough for your child.

I have had the same struggles with our kids (and I know DH does) - DS is only 4, and it seemed odd to us that at 3 years old, we were seeing boredom (they play a lot in school) and not liking his classmates. In many ways, he looks so ordinary - and he blends in with whatever group of peers he is in that most of his daycare teachers had no idea who he really was.

And his discontent seemed typical, to me, as a reaction to some events that happened and to the age - so I know I had a hard time with wondering about whether he needs to be in an environment that is focused on the needs of gifted children at his age - but when we switched to GT school (which starts full time for 4+), it was like day and night. Suddenly, he loves school, and even at home, we noticed that his confidence is much higher - he is with a group where it is okay if 4 years old are reading, where he can be curious about anything and not feel odd, where it is not absurd if he wants to do the chess club (other classmates are in the same chess club)... they are moving at the pace he wants to go, and without making it uncomfortable.

So although we did do a test, and everyone saying that testing at 3.5 is too unreliable - we still wonder where he is relative to his class and his long term educational needs. But what we know right now is - he is where he belongs as of this time in his life, he is loving it - and we can network with other parents with GT kids - where anything he does is not going to be out of place (or if we talk about his younger sister, it won't be a surprise). We definitely got a dose of "gawking" while at a hotel just recently - where DS read a few words off the kids' activity page, and the hostess was like "wow, he can read?? Say, can you read this?" which made us very uncomfortable especially since DS hates being put on the spot like that.

When we moved DS to the GT school, we only said that we were looking for a long term school since he won't be in daycare forever, and we want a small school - if they ask, I do say which school he goes to, and if they don't know it (most don't), we just say it has small classes. That is usually sufficient. The one parent who knew of his school was interested - because we suspect her son is also GT, so if parents are already dealing with those issues, they know about it and if parents are not, they focus on the more prominent and well known private schools.

ETA - even within the family, it can be challenging. My parents know and support us, but they - and we - carefully do not mention anything that is related to giftedness with my sisters with the fear that one of my sisters will freak out and do something foolish like try to hothouse her daughter. I agree - "gifted" is such a tainted word and it is sad but something we are very conscious about.