Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Is DS really that different?

Do you ever find yourself buying into the "they'll be 'right" mentality and questioning the impact of giftedness? DS5 is in the highly gifted range, and we are currently in the process of applying to a new school for next year that I think will be better able to cater to his needs. I know his educational needs are different, I suspect that he is not currently being challenged in most school subjects. Then I find myself thinking, well he is only in K, how much can they really do with him this year. Then as other kids' reading is progressing, I think, maybe DS is not that different. Maybe part of it is that DS has become my norm. I remember worrying a bit about DD because she didn't know the alphabet by 2. Then I realised that was perfectly normal. I think another part of it is my aversion to confrontation and internalising society's view of high intelligence as something not to be discussed. If I had a musically talented child and was switching schools, I would easily be able to answer the question, why are you changing schools? But there is no comfortable answer to that question when academics are the concern. Not that academics are the only concern, asynchronous development and social skills are up there, but we are aware of the risks if appropriate academic material is not presented. But it is not socially acceptable to talk about how a school might fail to meet the needs of a bright child. And it feels isolating, and does lead to me second guessing myself. I start to picture how other people would view my concerns for DS. I know that most 3 year olds do not come up to their mom, guide her over to their letter blocks and say, "look mom I spelt oxygen"(he had oxajni). But I find as he gets older, and his difference is less obvious, I sometimes start to think maybe he's not that different after all, and it is more difficult to resist the societal pressure to downplay the differences.

There seem to be two topics in your post.

1. How academically different/advanced is my child after all?

2. Is it socially acceptable to publically discuss academic ability (even though it's totally socially acceptable to discuss athletic, musical, etc. ability)?

I suppose part of what I am reflecting on is how the social view of giftedness and its acceptability influences my own constructs and perceptions of my sons' abilities.

I question this too because my ds9 doesn't think big deep thoughts like some HG kids. He just plows quickly and easily through stuff (and might already know stuff)...his rate of learning is head spinning...like super absorbent paper towel. He could easily do 2years of curriculum for every one others do with an occasional grade skip thrown in for good measure.

So on one hand I see his rate of learning as being exceptional. But on the other hand I see him as pretty similar (just a tad sharper) than his peers in many ways.

I am already stressing about next year and this year is only 1/4 done (on Thursday).

I understand all the things you are saying.

It is hard to believe what we see in our children and there is a lot of social pressure to not talk about gifted in an academic sense. Quite ok to cheer for an outstandingly sporty or musical kid because the majority of people don't feel badly about themselves if they are average at music or sport. It's socially acceptable to be average in those areas. If a child is academically out of the box, then there are those that take that as a negative judgement on their own or their children's abilities.

It's hard to talk about seeking a better academic experience, because everyone wants the best education for their children and don't see that gifted provisions aren't needed for every child. While access to gifted services is seen as some kind of competition that anyone should have the right to, rather than the provision of appropriate services then we will be made to feel like our kids are getting something better or more than other kids.

Believe in your child and do your best but you will have to pick your audience if you want to talk about your child. It's not fair and maybe it will change but I am not seeing it so far.

We are too similar! I often have wondered the same thing about my DS. He is "normal" to me and he doesn't seem so different. I get reminded once in a while that he is an outlier. I occasionally even wonder if maybe the test results were wrong. It's totally ridiculous! He has proven several times over that I shouldn't question it.

I also have a younger daughter and have a hard time not comparing them. I was concerned too about her not hitting the same milestones as quickly. (She has her own things she excels at, but normal with letters/reading.)

I changed schools this year and have had to answer that dreaded "why" question a few dozen times. If I said anything about giftedness, it was not well received. I think the term "gifted" is tainted. What I found that worked as a better, more accepted approach to that question was to say that "he is working beyond his grade level and his former school could not support him". It says everything it needs to say. His new school isn't a school for gifted kids, but they are doing an awesome job so far and he loves it. Good luck!

They key is to find other parents of gifted kids. This can be hard to do because it's taboo to even talk about, so then how do you find out? If you are able to volunteer in the class that will give you a good idea of which kids are advanced, and their parents probably have similar concerns, and you can broach the topic delicately. A lot of kids don't appear to be "that" gifted and don't fit stereotypical traits, or else those traits come out later or in different ways. DS for instance acted like he couldn't care less about reading (even though he could read early) and actively resisted it at times. Now he actively reads a lot of different things and is constantly talking about what he is reading, so he fits more of the "gifted traits" that did not appear before. Gifted kids go through "phases" where they might at times seem not so gifted, or seem advanced in some areas and not others, or make a lot of progress and then regress a bit or slow way down, just like typical kids do. But I also have to say that in Kindergarten, it's going to be really hard to tell what the child is going to look like in the future because they are still changing so much at that age, and research has found that IQ is highly variable til around the middle elementary years. The kids who look very gifted in kindergarten might not look very gifted 3 years later. And vice versa. Unless you are talking about the extreme ends of the spectrum (probably the very top percentiles will stay at the top or near the top).

I totally understand.

Our ds now 11 was in the local public school 1st through 4th grade.
He went to a private preschool and kindergarden. He took the sb5 at 6yrs old which confirmed our suspicions that the was (bright) LOL. The public elementary school subject accelerated him 2 years in math and LA. Then in 4th grade he was basically out of curriculum for the school (the teacher would work with him). 4th grade year was basically a wash except for math which we supplemented at home and with a tutor.

The spring of the 4th grade year we took him to a math competition at a local gifted school. It just clicked, he was in a gymnasium filled with kids who were good at math. He won 2nd place in a group competition, you could not wipe the smile off his face.

For the longest he was tested beyond what was needed. He took the EXPLORE in 3rd grade and hit Davidsons benchmarks on each subject. With all that it was that night at the math competition and that smile that made it sink in. He is now in that school.

The local public elementary school did all they could. I could not expect the 4th grade teacher to teach him at the level he needed in any subject really.

That is a brief of our story.

I get it-- yes, the top 1% or fraction of 1% is makes a kid different academically, and probably in other ways too.

I think many parents have hang ups thinking/talking about high intellect, so much so that we may second guess it even when our own children exhibit signs.

Once giftedness is established, it's hard to sort through needs because needs vary from child to child-- and we're generally taught that children should go to school and behave themselves, do their work, and not make waves. I have learned through my son however, that boredom in school should be only an occasional thing- perhaps when learning how to construct a sentence or practicing spelling words-- not an all day, every day situation. I don't know who could function happily in that kind of environment.

This is all a bit disjointed, but you're not alone in your feelings. Yes, an HG child is going to have academic needs that far exceed what is provided in a typical classroom. Yes, it's absolutely okay to discuss this with teachers and other parents of gifted kids. No, I wouldn't talk about it much with parents of typical kids. In spite of good intentions, no one likes it said, implied, etc. that what is good enough for their child is not good enough for your child.

I have had the same struggles with our kids (and I know DH does) - DS is only 4, and it seemed odd to us that at 3 years old, we were seeing boredom (they play a lot in school) and not liking his classmates. In many ways, he looks so ordinary - and he blends in with whatever group of peers he is in that most of his daycare teachers had no idea who he really was.

And his discontent seemed typical, to me, as a reaction to some events that happened and to the age - so I know I had a hard time with wondering about whether he needs to be in an environment that is focused on the needs of gifted children at his age - but when we switched to GT school (which starts full time for 4+), it was like day and night. Suddenly, he loves school, and even at home, we noticed that his confidence is much higher - he is with a group where it is okay if 4 years old are reading, where he can be curious about anything and not feel odd, where it is not absurd if he wants to do the chess club (other classmates are in the same chess club)... they are moving at the pace he wants to go, and without making it uncomfortable.

So although we did do a test, and everyone saying that testing at 3.5 is too unreliable - we still wonder where he is relative to his class and his long term educational needs. But what we know right now is - he is where he belongs as of this time in his life, he is loving it - and we can network with other parents with GT kids - where anything he does is not going to be out of place (or if we talk about his younger sister, it won't be a surprise). We definitely got a dose of "gawking" while at a hotel just recently - where DS read a few words off the kids' activity page, and the hostess was like "wow, he can read?? Say, can you read this?" which made us very uncomfortable especially since DS hates being put on the spot like that.

When we moved DS to the GT school, we only said that we were looking for a long term school since he won't be in daycare forever, and we want a small school - if they ask, I do say which school he goes to, and if they don't know it (most don't), we just say it has small classes. That is usually sufficient. The one parent who knew of his school was interested - because we suspect her son is also GT, so if parents are already dealing with those issues, they know about it and if parents are not, they focus on the more prominent and well known private schools.

ETA - even within the family, it can be challenging. My parents know and support us, but they - and we - carefully do not mention anything that is related to giftedness with my sisters with the fear that one of my sisters will freak out and do something foolish like try to hothouse her daughter. I agree - "gifted" is such a tainted word and it is sad but something we are very conscious about.

Testing early helped dispel all the doubts in my mind about whether my son was all that different or not. It also made (still does) all the educational and enrichment choices very hard to the point of being disruptive to my older lifestyle. I changed schools 3 times for DS before age 6, drive a lot to commute to his current school (still looking for a long term solution) and spend countless hours and a lot of money schooling and afterschooling him and hiring tutors/coaches for enrichment activities.

It is lonely and isolating and we as parents cannot "blend in" with the friends and other parents around us.

My DH had serious doubts as to whether my child was gifted because DS was the only child he knew very well and it was impossible for him to think of a child with poor handwriting and a lot of playfulness as a very smart kid despite the testing results. To DH, if our child could achieve some things, then possibly all other kids of that age with similar family backgrounds could do the same things as well. He even thought that both psychologists we tested with could have misunderstood DS and overestimated his abilities! But, things are changing for us on that front since DS turned 6 - every teacher, tutor, coach that works with DS remarks on the speed with which he progresses and assimilates new subject content, how he intuits new concepts before being taught and how he has a remarkable intellect. DH is now sitting on the fence regarding our child's giftedness

My advise is to teach your child what he needs, no matter what age he is. And to make a long term plan for your child and follow it and not worry about what others think or say. You can be intentionally vague if you don't want to give details. I never use the term "gifted" in public, instead say that DS needs more attention than what he was getting at the older school - which is the truth. I am equally vague within the family too - DS is too playful for anyone to think that he is highly gifted and we say that he is good at some things and not so good at other things - again, that is the truth.

Thanks for all your responses. It is always nice to hear from other people experiencing similar things, and I found everyone's comments very helpful, both the stories related and the advice given.

I remember there was a specific incident with mom friends when DD was around 12 months. I won't go into details but the silence was deafening. I learned then to not say anything about DD's development. It was so confusing for me since I was convinced back then that DD was delayed compared to her cousin.

As far as interests go, DD4 is a nerdy 8 year old boy and I'm around a lot of 8 year old boys so DD seems "normal" to me, just not for her age. That's how I explain DD to other parents if they ask me why she can read, do math, etc. I never use the word gifted.

BTW, I find having a musically talented child to be as challenging as having a child who is academically advanced. Some parents are extremely competitive about musical progress and it can be a scary world out there.

Yes, there really is a difference and it will be apparent again and it will carry through in adulthood.

You did an excellent job of describing what you are experiencing. I know exactly what you are talking about.

I like to think of this period when the gifted child is able to blend in to a better extent almost like nature's camouflage. Gifted childhood can be difficult when the child is always standing out positively or negatively. It feels like a 'break' for the entire family when it does not have to be so obvious all of the time.

I actually feel like you can enjoy not having to be so noticeable and just go about your life enjoying the gifts, exploring them, developing them, sharing them if you choose and accomplishing goals.

It is so awkward to have to discuss and state or explain the 'high-IQ' experience, but don't discount the differences, humans wouldn't be monitoring IQ if there was no validity to it. High-IQ people notice it more probably by the very definition of intelligence - intel / data about what is happening in the world around us. You're sensitive and you don't want to be unkind. There are enough documented expressions of gifted people not understanding non-gifted people and vice versa.

Thanks for your post. I appreciated your ability to articulate so well. Best regards.

I completely understand. There are times when I'm acutely aware that DD5 is different from her peers and then there are times when we doubt ourselves. I often wonder whether she's ahead of expectations simply because we, as a family, have academic hobbies / interests and read a lot for fun in general.

I know she is not being challenged in K - her teacher has told me as much. However, I'm right with you on the she's, "only in K, how much can they really do with [her] this year." The problem is my kid is bent on hothousing herself e.g. wanting to spend the entire afternoon doing math or announcing that she's planning to get to level z in her school reading program. I definitely see not being challenged in school causing issues for us down the road. She already expects everything to be incredibly easy for her and when she actually gets something wrong (this always happens at home) she can't handle it emotionally. She's not used to being challenged when it comes to learning.

All of this is terribly isolating. I don't discuss how she's doing in school with anyone. There is another mother at school who does quite a bit of after schooling with her daughter and she recently asked me what math curriculum I'm using with DD. I'm not using a curriculum at this point. We just discuss things as they come up. I even find it difficult to talk about with family. We had a party for DH's birthday and DD had written him a card. One of my in-laws saw the card and I saw her eyes go wide.

I do a lot of down playing and have never used the word gifted to describe her outside of me and DH. If DD were changing schools I don't even think I would mention the academic reasoning, I would just say she needs more support and leave it at that. People can assume whatever they want from that. They are not entitled to know my DDs academic status just as I am not entitled to know the intricate details of their children's school careers.

I totally commiserate with you Dubsyd. Hopefully some of these doubts/concerns will disappear when your DS changes schools and you encounter more parents who are dealing with similar circumstances.

Mana - I didn't mean to trivialise difficulties that I am sure arise with musically gifted children. I am sure there are plenty of challenges. But I remember a student in my primary class leaving our class to go to a specialised music school, and we never questioned why that decision was made. It was clear to us that our school could not meet her specific needs. I am sure you get parents being competitive with sports too. But generally, it seems more socially acceptable to discuss strengths in music and sports.

Thanks for engaging in this discussion with me. I am feeling very positive about our potential school move, and the new school's response to my son thus far has me accepting his differences as real again. We have not received an official offer of a place for him yet though, so fingers crossed.

Digits crossed for you. I hope you hear soon so you can relax and enjoy.

Dubsyd, I didn't take your comments that way at all.

I was mostly vending since I don't feel free to discuss about DD's progress openly with anyone. If I repeated what her teachers say, it'd come across as either being really boastful or delusional...or both.

I think a big part of the problem is that for the K admission process has started so everyone is a bit jumpy. I can't wait for it to be over. We won't find out our results until May so we have many many months of waiting and wanting and more wanting....


Sending you positive thoughts to you and your DS.

Glad you didn't take it that way Mana. I don't envy you your loooong wait. Hopefully it all goes well for you! Sending some positive thoughts back your way too.

I just wanted to update you all to say we have had an offer of a place for DS at the school we applied to. I know it will be a big transition for him, and he will miss his friends, but in the long run, it just feels like it is going to be so much better of a fit.

Congratulations! Change is always stressful but often more in the anticipation, than the actual event. I hope that is the case for you.

Congratulations! Your DS will adjust in no time, I'm sure.