Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How did giftedness affect your family planning?

This is what I wanted when we started having kids. Our oldest was a high-needs baby, but by 6 months he was spending lots of time looking at books and playing with toys independently. I figured it would be smooth sailing with him for awhile and that I could handle another baby.

But by the time our second came along, our oldest, who was about to turn two, became a complete nightmare. For the next two years, he had incredibly high energy, high need for mental stimulation, high impulsiveness, no sense of caution, a strong will, and some SPD-like issues.

My younger son is really sweet and imaginative... I wish that I had had more time to enjoy him as a baby. But every time I diverted my attention from my older son, he would do something crazy, like drag a chair over to the key rack, take my car keys, go into the garage and start my car. Or plug up the sink, turn on the water full blast, and flood the kitchen. I was always afraid that he was going to seriously injure himself or destroy my house. And I really struggled to take him anywhere because I could not contain him and/or deal with his over-reactions, while also attending to a baby.

I was a complete wreck by the end of every day.

Fast forward to now and things are a lot better. DS4 still has high energy and high need for stimulation; but at least I can channel it into tolerable activities, like math and geography and hiking. He is still very strong-willed, but I've learned how to manage that, too. Plus, he's hit the social milestone where he is motivated to follow rules even when I'm not looking (huge relief!!) DS2 is awesome. He is very intense, but he has high social awareness. He finds joy in everything and he talks in paragraphs; it's just amazing. He's a good playmate and foil to DS4. Also, I think he has helped DS4 get over some of his space issues and aversion to noise.

If my older son had been more like my younger son, I'd probably have lots of kids by now. But as it is, I feel completely burnt out on mothering. This is a disappointment; however, I have entrepreneurial and philanthropic aspirations that I plan to focus on instead. Plus I'm going to need time and energy to deal with any educational challenges to come.

No, it did not. Then again, I think DD just seemed to "fit" in our family and to us, was "normal." Still, DD was (and is) intense and perhaps had she been a bit less so, we would have spaced them a tiny bit closer (they are about 3 years apart).

I have to agree with Tigerle and aeh - I am glad my DC have each other, as it seems that we face some of the same academic issues with them (and I hope that having each other will make their educational issues feel more "normal"). Right now, they have some interests in common and it is wonderful to see them learn together.

I am an only and it's fine; there are positives and negatives. I never would have had as many opportunities for camps, volunteer work, etc., with a sibling due to the effort and expense involved. At the same time, I know people so have wonderfully close relationships with siblings and that must be a very special thing.

I had hoped my kids would be good friends, but they really aren't. Hopefully they will be closer as they get older, but they generally fight with each ofher (at least, my very intense daughter gets upset with her brother for one thing or another and poor DS gives up trying to play with her). My dad and his brother were both very intense and apparently my dad was sent to boarding school to separate them and stop the fighting (I'm sure there were other considerations, but that was a big one). They were never able to get along, even as adults. I hope my kids will have a much better relationship than that, but my point is that having siblings to provide companions for each other is no guarantee that they will cooperate.


My daughter loves her cousins and it is wonderful to see them together, so that is the closest thing we have to sibling connections.

My kids (DS9 and DD7) are 2 1/2 years apart.

My brother and I are 18 months apart. We fought a lot until about middle school. After that we became very close friends, I would be very sad to not have him in my life. My kids fight a lot too, but I can tell that underneath they like each other, but they are also competitive with each other (my DD7 instigating it a lot of the time as she is less mature).

By the way, I was the first born, so whenever I think about my mom's saying about the truck I realize that I was the truck.. as a baby my brother was actually very sweet and calm and apparently had the exact opposite temperament to mine which was a welcome break for my mom. However I believe that he is more gifted than I am.

Smart people tend to have smart children, so it is important for society for smart people to have large families. Since research has not shown that the quality of parenting, above a certain low threshold level, makes much difference in child outcomes, parents should not worry too much that having a large family will cause their children to suffer from lower resources per child. This philosophy was debated in a 2011 thread
The Case for Having More Children (NYT).

Ugh I can't select to quote on this tablet, but space cadet's ds1 sounds ds2 who will 2 in November. My biggest challenge will be keeping him alive while he tries very hard to do the opposite! That made us certain to stop at 2, people say oh he's just a boy but when they spend more time with him they see the tornado. If id started having kids younger I may have had more.

Gifted didn't come into our family planning at all, but a lot of what is mentioned here is very familiar I think that many of the things brought up here apply for parents of non-gifted kids too

I love whoever said above that their parents suggested thinking of who you'd like to see around your Thanksgiving table later on - I just love that! That's kind of what we did - I had a vision, and I didn't really think of anything else other than that vision of family life in the future.

Which is fortunate, because a lot of those first-years of parenting aren't really all that much fun - all the lack of sleep, exploding diapers, constant mental exhaustion.

The thing I've found with my kids (and my friends kids) - all babies and toddlers are different - some are high-maintenance, some are high-needs, some are just a breeze. There's no way to predict which will come first, but chances are that within any given family you're going to have one child is a lot more exhausting than another. And which child is the exhausting and challenging child *IS* going to change as your children get older - it's just what happens and there's no way to predict which child it will be or what exactly is going to go on with any of your children. My most mellow baby turned into the kid who I had to put the most time into to get through school. My most challenging toddler (medical and sensory) turned into my most mellow elementary-age kid and just all-around fun kid to be around ever, until she turned into my most hormonal middle-school child.

Another thing that happens, and it's just life - the first child gets all the attention, you will most likely feel stressed and guilty about not having enough time and energy to give that same kind of attention to your second child, and by the time you have your third child you will no longer care and may occasionally forget they exist (just kidding!). But the nature of your relationships with them will be different simply because of birth order - and that's something you might feel wistful about but it really will be ok!

For me, if my second child had been my first child, there would have been no more children. If I'd known ahead of time what the elementary school years would be like, and I had any control over anything, all of my children would have been my second child, and all of my toddlers would have been my third child. BUT wait! I love love love my first child too.

Really, it's all going to be what it's going to be (and it will get easier by the time they are in middle school, but your free time will still be completely non-existent because they can't drive yet :)) I love all my kids to the moon and back and can't imagine our lives without any of them. I am glad they have each other because I know that eventually, once they get past the can't-stop-squabbling stage of siblinghood, they will grow into adults who will (hopefully) appreciate having each other.

It's all good - no matter how many children you have - just keep looking at the vision you've always had for your family, and don't let the exhaustion of the early years delude you into thinking that you have to give up the dream of another child if it's something you want

Best wishes,

polarbear

Polarbear, thank you for sharing your observations!!

Yes, that's one of the fun things of having three - you learn to let go, simply because you have no choice.
The workload I'd say goes up proportionally, or not quite even as there will be some synergy going on, but the fun goes up exponentially.
Also the intensity I have to admit. But you learn to let go about that as well. Tell em to take it outside and close the door,no I do not care who did what or who needs what, that's it. Time out for me. Those are the times when I think, enviously, of those families who have these potted plant kids, who actually do things simply because their parents tell them to. Once, in a normal voice. They exist.
But the feeling doesn't last long.
Another thing which I think is a biggie for children who are very anxious and sensitive: siblings make children feel safe. This probably does not work when there is major conflict, with one sibling feeling always put upon, but if it's just squabbling, they will pull together at any perceived threat.