Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Thoughts? Advice?

My son is doing a two week creative writing class. At the end of the camp the children put their stories on an overhead to share at a parent assembly and it gets included in an anthology. In a text box next to the story is an "about the author." My son's reads "DS [full name] hates school but loves learning. He thinks that school is boring. He hates handwriting because he has dysgraphia and Ehlers Danlos but he loves writing (on the computer). DS is 8 turning 9 and leaving 2nd grade."

So, what do y'all think of this? Maybe I am as warped as my kid but I loved it. Peers/friends at the camp told him it was "not positive enough." This is a criticism he gets A LOT. Kids his age seem only want to hear positive things and happy endings. They are very bothered by negative words or an expression of dislike . They were completely floored by his admitting he hates school and they said it makes no sense that someone would "hate school but love learning." DS is not easily put off, he told them it would make total sense if they had half a brain. Anyway, the instructor was fine with it but told him he should probably removed the info about dysgraphia and EDS. I told him to keep it in - it raises awareness and it is nothing to be ashamed of and it is a big part of who is.

So, any thoughts?

I'll share my thoughts, but will first share a little about me so you'll understand where they are coming from. I'm a glass-overflowing personality and very upbeat and positive. I wouldn't personally write anything like that at all, ever, that's just me. I've been told by people who love me that I'm so danged perky I sound happy and ready to party when I'm so sick I can hardly stand. SOOO…. I have a bit of a bias/filter re what I'd personally write in your ds' situation.

Sooo… if this was one of my kids, I'd encourage them to not be blunt. I would point out - who do they think will see/read this? What if someone from school sees it and takes it personally or remembers it? That might mean that person will in turn make a judgment about you (child) later when you want them to be thinking highly of you.

I would also ask - what does this have to do with the creative writing class (please don't flog me for asking that - I totally get how handwriting is wrapped up in everything!).. but really, this is a creative writing class, right? What did he like about the class itself? Since your ds loves writing, I would guide him to write a bit about what type of creative writing he enjoys, or how he writes from his life experiences (if he does) or how he dreams up his characters etc.

Lastly, it's supposed to be a description of your ds. True, he has ED and dysgraphia and he hates handwriting and he loves to learn. I like to encourage my ds to not focus on the things that are challenges but to face them, tackle them, and focus instead on his strengths and passions. What does your ds like besides writing? Other academic subjects? Fun hobbies? Sports? I think that's what other parents and teachers are expecting to see there, maybe with something simple like he's in third grade and he has a dog or a brother or he lives next to a pond that inspires him to think of mythical creatures, kwim?

One last thing - I would think just a bit - this is possibly a bit like a "you have 3 seconds to let everyone know one or two things about you." What would you pick? The thing you are not happy about, or something that would make other people think you're really cool?

Which is not to say your ds or any kid with a challenge isn't cool - just that it's a first-impression kind of thing, and maybe an only-impression kind of thing. And that I'd want to think through what impression it will leave with the people who read it. He's had feedback that it's not positive enough. That might also be the feedback he'd get from the larger audience when it's presented. If he's ok with that, that's ok - but I'd want him to listen to and think through the feedback he's received already.

I really do think it's great that he's open and honest and frank about his challenge and his likes/dislikes. That will serve him well as he advocates for himself in school and in life

I'm so glad he liked the camp! Did they let him use keyboarding?

polarbear

That is pretty funny. Three cheers for dyspeptic writers!

Well, I think it's just suppose to be an "about the author" I don't think it's suppose to be specific to the camp or writing. Like, you know, on the back of a book where it says "about the author: So-and-So is married, has three kids, and lives in Connecticut." I guess he felt like this is what he would say.

I guess my DS and I just can't answer these questions in a socially appropriate manner! LOL. I was going to have him change "hate" to "dislike" and take out the "boring" part (because really that is kind-of a gratuitous insult) so it would read "DS dislikes school but loves learning. He dislikes handwriting because of his dysgraphia but loves writing on the computer." I guess I could just make him write "DS is going into third grade at Such and Such elementary and likes to write and read fantasy fiction." I suppose we both need like specific social skills training for this stuff! I am constantly shocked at the suburbia's incredible aversion to anything less than perfect and fluffy. But I come from the inner city so I always thought that was why I had a bit of culture shock with regard to that. But maybe I am just missing a particular set of social skills and my DS is too!

Ha ha!

Yes, yes and yes. That is exactly it. He looks normal but can NOT write people are constantly perplexed by this - peers, aides, teachers. Everyone. He is nine year old who still reverses every number and most of his letters. Believe you me, this affects him and his sense of identity and his being self-conscious of how people see him. He seems really smart but he can't write (which is something EVERYONE else smart or not seems to be able to do no problem!) He is miserable at school but he wants people to know he is not miserable at school because he is "stupid" he is miserable there b/c he does not learn the same way as others; because he has challenges AND gifts, neither of which EVER get truly addressed or recognized at school.

Whenever we read someone intelligent and super creative (like Steve Jobs, or Thomas Edison) has/had dyslexia we get such a surge from it ( only because we never hear of famous dysgraphics) and I think that inspires him. Like when that kid who plays harry potter talked about how he is dyspraxic and can't write or tie his shoelaces. That gave my son SUCH comfort and inspiration. I think he is trying to reach out and do the same. He wants to share that he is Smart but he does have Dysgraphia and he is suppose to like school but he doesn't and it is NOT because he doesn't like learning. It kind-of really is who he is right now. And I kind-of feel like his disabilities are his to share not mine... so if I had to write it for him, it would, of course, be different but this is his personal info to share if he wants.

This is how your son sees himself and his situation. This is how he feels. This is who he is.

When you censor, there's a risk of either communicating that:

a) he's wrong about who he is or how he feels
or
b) that he's only wrong in sharing who he is or how he feels.

The latter is better, I suppose, than the former. You could at least couch it in "consider your audience" or "there's a time and a place." Those are useful social lessons. Maybe.

Or maybe you decide, as his parent, to stand up for who he is and how he feels. To resist censoring him in his communication of self. Of effectively saying "I accept you for who you are, no matter how you feel. And I love who you are whether you are happy or not. And I support you in sharing that if you want to."

Irena, I have read most of your posts about your DS's struggles so can totally understand where he is coming from. However, I am not sure if the children and their parents at this summer camp have any insight into his struggles. As such, they may misinterpret his bio as one devoid of joy. Maybe there is a way he can rewrite it to be more positive. " DS is proud of overcoming his challenges and continuing to do what he enjoys the most: learning and writing." Something along those lines.
Glad to read that he enjoyed the writing camp.

Well, I would check and see how important it is to your DS to broadcast those particular feelings and diagnoses. If it is akin to getting something off his chest and it will make him feel good about himself, then let him do it, particularly if those kids won't be in his future social circles anyway.

On the other hand, if he is looking for positive responses from his fellow campers, then I would help him edit his blurb to something deem more socially appropriate among his peers. By this age group, kids get pretty judgmental and will label and write off other kids as complaining/whiny or tending toward tmi. Your DS does not have to be positive, just not negative. I think kids are looking for interesting tidbits, personal interests, and humorous comments.

Yes. I agree. I was particularly jarred by the fact that the instructor told him he should take out that he has dysgraphia and EDS. I felt like he was saying to DS you should be ashamed of that, you should hide it. I actually had to say to him - you can leave it in if you want, it's who you are and "it is nothing to be ashamed of or hide."

But I do also agree on "there is a time and place for certain things" and that sort of social lesson. So, I think we are just going to edit it together. We'll talk about how it may not be appropriate for him to say "school is boring" but he can leave in his ehlers danlos and dysgraphia and his dislike of school but love of learning. I'll have him think of a few more "positives" to add too, like a hobby. I am sure he scrounge up at least one positive thing somewhere...

Among important life skills are developing appropriate filters and maintaining healthy boundaries. Considering the audience and one's relationship with the members of that audience can provide guidance as to how much information one may wish to disclose in any particular situation.

For example, parents on forums have often posted that they encourage their children not to keep a secret from the parents. At the same time, parents may coach their children not to share with others information which they may not like to hear others repeat. Hearing information repeated may feel as though the information is being used as ammunition in a disagreement or in a competitive situation.

If one shares personal medical information with an audience of strangers, that information is no longer private and may be repeated by other students/parents/teachers, etc.

Okay, we talked about what he was trying to convey.... Why was he including his EDS and dysgraphia but not, say, his severe peanut allergy? We talked all about it and he said he wants people to know that he is a writer who couldn't write. He feels that is his identity. He is a writer who has had to persevere and find ways around his disabilities to do his passion. This has really shaped his life and will continue to do so. So, I talked about the stuff you guys said here re boundaries, time and place, etc. and the things said by his peers being too negative. We talked about all of that and then I asked him to re-write it with those things in mind and what he wants people to know about him in a snapshot.

So, when he re-wrote, he wrote: "DS dislikes school but loves learning. He has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and Dysgraphia, which make handwriting almost impossible, but when he can write using the computer he is a beast! DS loves to read and write fantasy fiction and sci-fi. His other favorite things are playing on the computer, particularly Minecraft and Warcraft 3, and playing ice hockey for {local} Team. He is eight years old, turning nine, and is going into the third grade at --- Elementary"

I edited it to:
"DS dislikes school but loves learning. He is eight years old, turning nine in September, and is going into the third grade at -- Elementary. DS has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and Dysgraphia, which make writing by hand almost impossible; but, there is no limiting his creativity when he can write using a computer! DS loves to read and write fantasy fiction and sci-fi. His other favorite pastimes are playing on the computer, particularly Minecraft and Warcraft 3, and playing ice hockey for [Local] Ice Hockey Team."

I am thinking that's better? Apparently, it is important to him to share that he is an aspiring writer who has dysgraphia but will not let that stop him from achieving his dreams.

Thanks for all of your help! I know it's a bit trite and I am a little dense - thanks for your patience and help! I am glad I ran it by y'all and you all took the time to advise. I think we are in weird situation, most 8 year olds don't have this kind of life experience/challenge hanging over them. Most of them really do just have fun playing baseball. love school and do well at school, etc... So things like this can be a little more complicated with our kiddos

He wants to keep the description of him being "a beast" on the computer ... (eye roll).

On my phone so this will be brief - just wondering if you or your ds have read any of Avi's books? He's a children's author who is dysgraphic - my kids and I all like his books

pb

No... is Avi the author's name?

He did read "Eli, the Kid Who Hated to Write" and loved it.
He really likes fantasy, tho. Right now he is reading the Seventh Son series and FLYING through it. They are creepy imo. But he loves that stuff.

Oh, and to answer your other question about whether or not he was permitted to use a keyboard for the camp - the camp was called "young writers on computers" so it was about using the computer to write... The other camps offered were all by handwriting. Although, they were handed a copybook and told to "write their notes and jot down their ideas in it. He wrote one line in it. He wanted to do the camp last year but couldn't because of the handwriting. Technically, he wasn't suppose to be able to do the computer one this year either b/c it was only open to kids who had finished third grade (and he just finished 2nd) but I was tired of him not being able to do any creative writing camps b/c of his dysgraphia so I pushed for him to allowed in the computer writing camp. And they were really pissy about it (next time, I am just gonna lie about his grade!) But he enjoyed the camp immensely and I am so glad he got to do it. He loves to write and is creative. He really wants to be a writer when he grows up - he wants to write books, screenplays, and even video games. But he needs work on organizing his writing. Really and so this camp wasn't just about him doing something he loved, I do want him to get some instruction on how to organize his writing and how to do his craft/art.

I actually really liked that part! Overall, I think the rewrite does a great job of straddling the line between his honest feelings and what is socially acceptable and can be (accurately) conveyed in a "sound bite."
Just fyi, I know many teachers encourage younger students not to share personal information because they are worried that the parents will be upset. Many parents are extremely private re: their children's medical diagnoses and I have teacher friends who were yelled at by parents when it came up in class, even though at times the student him/herself started the discussion. So, I would reassure your son that they most likely did not want him to feel in any way ashamed, but not all kids are as smart and mature as him and therefore able to make appropriate decisions on what medical info to share. I'm sure if they thought you had worked with him and were okay with sharing it (say in an "All About Me" poster that was done at home), they would have been fine with it.

I think I would let him stick with his current version. :-)

I'd let him stick with his version too. I think his version is more likely to connect with his peers. My 8 turning 9 DS would totally say 'beast'.
You've done a great job talking him through the tone and helping him convey what he wants to say so now let him have his voice.

Oh yay. glad to read this because "Beast on the computer" is staying in He was not having any of my sentence! SO I am happy to hear it sounds okay. It is very difficult to censor this kid he wants to say what he wants to say.

Sounds like an awesome resolution and I'm glad he feels like he's being heard. I also really like the rewrite, more balanced without losing his message or voice. Clearly overcoming obstacles is a big part of his identity and I think that's awesome!

As a side note, DD had an assignment last year to create a book cover (summary, author blurb, drawing). She gave herself illustrator credit and wrote herself a hysterical bio (I think she had herself winning a Noble Peace Prize and a Caldecott by the time she was 6 or something).

sent you a pm about Avi