Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion DD7 has cognitive growing pains

Any one out there dealing with their child cognitively analyzing their stage of development as they are going through it?

She is aware that she feels like a female like me, but she doesn't look like me physically - I have a woman's body and she has a little boy's body. This is painful for her. We are not going to dismiss her struggles as too adult for her young brain, since she actively burdened by them. MOSTLY I assured her that her father and I love her very much no matter what her thoughts are, we are not upset with her, and I stressed that it is safe to talk with me (mom) and dad when things trouble her.

Currently this seems to be gender identity related - I do not think, at this point, it is sexual identity related. (We would be very careful to nurture a sexual identity crisis, if that were the case.)

She also has trouble finding friends (this challenge is common, I know) unless they are curious beings, thinking about the universe, and making connections at lightning speed, too, no matter what age they are.

All children go through gender identity around this age, but DD7 is so cognizant about it.

How have you have handled these growing pains? Have you worked with your regular pediatrician? Do you have a developmental psychologist who your child can talk to or you can talk to as parents on a regular basis, or do you just handle situations as they arise.

My children haven't experienced this. Have you looked for boards specifically for parents of children whose gender identity isn't straightforward? As it's relatively uncommon you might find more BTDT folks there.

Sorry, I am confused too. She is 7. She cannot have a woman's body yet. Is she expecting to have a woman's body as a child?

Yes, it's confusing.

Portia, DD7 feels she's in a "boyish" body because it has not developed into a woman's body yet.

Tallulah, I don't think DD7 is gay, although I would want to help her with understanding that and am listening carefully for that possibility. But what she is saying is she is female and wants to feel more like a female.

ashley, yes, DD7 is upset she cannot have a woman's body yet when she feels like a woman. She apparently does not feel like her undeveloped little body suits who she is.

Well, I guess this is just our special DD's issue. I thought maybe somebody else had run across this kind of thing, but I think it's just us.

It's difficult when you look for btdts and don't find them even here! I can't offer one, but I think my instinct would be to talk a lot about what being a woman means to me, and do some anticipating: "when you grow up, I wonder whether you'll want to...". I'd acknowledge how mysterious gender identity is, and how strong it can be; I might mention that, very occasionally, someone who has a boy's body complete with penis etc. feels they're a girl, and how lucky she is that she'll get the kind of body she wants just by waiting! I'd definitely talk about the function of childhood and how important it is to the human species that our young get looked after and get to learn for so long before they grow up.

Since you don't want to dismiss her struggles as too adult for her, I suggest you just tell her the truth. For example: Daughter, you are seven years old and you have an appropriate body for a 7 year old. As you grow older, your body will start to change and eventually, when you are a teenager, your body will look very much like mommy's body does now. If she requires more information, I would purchase a book like The American Girl Care and Keeping of You and go over some of the changes that occur with puberty (acne, breast development, hair growth), etc... I don't think it needs to be any more complicated then that. FWIW, I wouldn't label her prepubescent body as a "boy body" because she does not have the anatomically correct body parts to do that, so IMHO, that would be very confusing for her. I would call it a "little girl body".

DS6 has made some observations about the human life cycle and where his family fits at each stage.

Maybe try putting together a little album of the women in her family and showing a progression of pictures from them as babies to toddlers and on up.

You could also make a big timeline with her on human development. She could see where she has been and where she is headed and about how long each stage lasts.

Where your daughter is sad she isn't more developed my son is sometimes sad he is changing too fast.

He says "Everyday the little boy that I am now dies a little. When I am older I won't like the same things or look the same or even feel the same. The person I am now won't exist anymore."

It doesn't sound (to me) as though this is a fully fledged gender identity issue, so much as a keen awareness of asynchrony.

And yes, we HAVE experienced some of these things with our DD-- it isn't that she wants a PARTICULAR outward appearance or identity, even-- she's fairly gender-fluid, in fact-- but that she is uncomfortable (in general) being in a child's skin.

Or was, anyway.

NOW, of course, she's a very lovely teenaged girl, and that comes with it's own problems.

DD often complains that she is a different person inside than the world around her knows-- and that the person she is inside is "real" and that the one that the world sees is just the acceptable "slivers" of who she really is.

I think it is VERY common for highly asynchronous children to feel out of place, and even more common for kids with high cognitive ability to feel a bit uncomfortable in their temporary skins as children-- there are a lot of threads here about various facets of that same issue.

Oh, when you said she ad a boy's body, I thought you meant she had a boy's body. (that's transgender, not gay)

Tallulah - sorry, I was so blown back by the conversation, I typed my query in a very confused way. (I have known people as they go through the transgender process - again, I don't think this is DD's situation, although I was listening for it.)

kelly0523 - that's exactly what I say. I have said it and that's exactly how we have conversations. She is taking it a step further and expressing her pangs to me. We have repeatedly discussed how and why both males and females have nipples, but why only women lactate. I'm quite open with anatomy, anthropology and sociology, but I also bring it down to "you are right where you are supposed to be," and "I remember feeling just like you do" (as much as I can).

ColinsMum - yes, DH and I do recall our own ideas of wanting to grow up and look manly/womanly like our older siblings, but they were more like middle school, not age 7.

KJP - Oh my gosh your DS6 sounds like my DD7. Those big thoughts. She has a different perspective but they could sit at the same table in the coffee shop. Can we have a play date?

HowlerKarma - BINGO. You said it exactly. It's asynchrony. "Help."