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I find it annoying and offensive not because I feel there is something wrong with having Aspergers but I really take issues with people who put themselves in the position of authority and power to assign labels to others when no one asked for their unprofessional opinion. It's really obnoxious.

I have a dear friend who has a daughter who I have known has autism since she was six. Her mom only shared that she had ADHD and learning disabilities. She went to a very good private school for children with learning disabilities and ADHD and each grade level had about ten kids. She got OT, speech, and social skills therapy and other therapies over the years. I couldn't believe not one professional said something about autism so I figured she knew but wished to share her challenges this way...or if she didn't, her daughter was getting all the same services (OT, speech, social skills, therapy with a psychologist, specialized learning in small classes).

About high school her mom started attending walks for autism and posting autism awareness posts and I mentioned my boy has Asperger's. She said her daughter was newly diagnosed. Her daughter graduated high school and is getting services as an adult now with autism. I think nearing graduation someone must have suggested that her daughter was going to need SSI and voc rehab and other things and maybe they should look into it.

I can't believe that her girl was never diagnosed all those years and professionals and it was so obvious. I would spend a few hours every so often with her and could check off criteria on the DSM list left and right plus some of the stereotypical behavior that isn't in the manual.

But it was never my place because she never asked my opinion to say anything.

On the one hand: yes, armchair psychology can be very rude and unhelpful.

On the other hand: this sort of thing is a side effect of a tremendous effort to make "invisible" disabilities more normal and part of the landscape. In the 1960s they were still using electric shocks to punish kids with autism and institutionalizing them, keeping them away from their families. We are now at a point where a substantial part of the population is aware that autism exists. That has to be a good thing.

One side effect is that "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing"-- that, knowing a bit, people try to deploy that knowledge. It's also too bad that the popular press gets it wrong, relying on anecdata or stereotypes so much of the time.

I do think most who bring up possible diagnoses are trying to be helpful and/or sympathetic, in the mode of "I see a challenge, let me offer ideas about it." Doesn't mean you have to take them seriously, of course. I usually thank them for their ideas and change the subject, or (in some cases) take the opportunity to educate them about what's really going on.

I think that's true in the case of actual disabilities, but the autism definition (esp. one in the previous version of the DSM) is so broad that practically everyone has a touch of autism. Korea now has a diagnosis rate of 3 percent? I don't think it's even just the general public getting it wrong and being massively confused, it's also many in the medical community.

Interesting article:

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/3154/how-did-autism-become-the-latest-fad-disorder

Here's my opinion on this. Personally people who offer their "arm-chair psychology opinions" need to keep a lid on it... Unless the person whose child is at issue specifically expresses concern and asks for insight, guidance, etc. They also need to keep in mind that they are NOT experts and do not necessarily know what they are talking about anyway. I think of it like this: my neighbor's child had a major problem with speech in that one could not understand a word he was saying. My child, younger, was talking circles around him. Did I stand next to said neighbor and say "Hey have you noticed your son can't talk?" offer up a bunch of potential dxs, and tell her to look into therapy? No, I assumed she did not need me pointing out her son's deficits and prying. Would anyone do that in this situation? (maybe but most would not, right? Because it's a more obvious issue unlike things like ASD, dyspraxia, etc.). If she had complained to me, expressed concern or whatever then I may have offered whatever my thoughts were. She never mentioned his speech not once to me. I had no idea what she was doing about it if anything. But I assumed she certainly didn't need me pointing out her son's deficits and, plus, I am no expert on such issues anyway. I simply went on treating her son like a the great kid he was/is. And, yes, apparently she was on it and she did get him therapy, etc.

When I first started noticing and researching my son's fine motor and motor/coordination problems and dysgraphia-like tendencies. I did it and did not tell my friends. I had a friend who also must have been notice something was amiss because she starting making comments saying she thought my son may have this or that, once I think she also mentioned that he may have a learning disability, etc. She would point out my son's deficits and then in the same hour mention how she thought her daughter, approximately the same age, was gifted. I was already noticing that something was wrong with my son's fine motor compared to her daughters. I did not need her highlighting it for me or my son! I already had a pit in my stomach. Her comments on my son were totally unwelcome and not in any solicited by me (in my opinion). She made me feel like she was comparing our children (and of course mine was coming up short), and that all she was noticing his deficits. It made me feel so yucky and I feared she would eventually make my child feel yucky. It was already a difficult time for me coming to terms that something may be wrong. We did not have a fight or argument or anything about it. I never brought it up to her. But I distanced myself and my child from her. It hurt my heart so much. On the other hand, with a different friend (and I probably felt more comfortable with this this mom anyway b/c she had/has a child with an ASD dx), I expressed my concerns and that mom/group was what really helped me get on the right path to figuring out what was up! But this mom NEVER not once made me ever feel like she was noticing anything about my son but his good qualities. Only when I opened the door to the issue did she speak up and she did it in such a great way! Not at all making any diagnoses or anything just offering her experiences and insight and saying here are some resources on how to get started checking into it. I am forever grateful. I never felt yucky.

I have noticed that people with neurotypical kids often yammer among themselves saying some other, likely non-neurotypical, child has "issues" and "don't his/her parents see?!" and speculate among themselves what the kid could have. Then they seem really keen on pointing out to said mom. It's often malicious gossip disguised as concern, in my view. It's just hurtful and most have no real idea what they are talking about anyway. I try to focus on the good/strngths of my friends' children and if a friend wants to chat about a potential issue with his or her child I will always try to help in the same tactful supportive way I was helped but otherwise I try to keep my mouth shut.

Since I started this thread within this thread I want to make it clear that not everyone who suggests Autism bugs me. There are different types of people who have suggested ASD for my son. And as my son does exhibit some of the standard criteria, particularly being very anti-social and clearly having on & off issues with anxiety. So I can understand it to some extent. There are friends I have asked for help and it doesn't bother me when they suggest it or bring it up. Particularly when they have a kid with ASD/Asperger's and have real concrete ideas of what the syndrome entails.

Then there are the teachers, school professionals that don't say the words since then they would be required to do something. But heavily imply that if I got a diagnosis there is more accommodations he could be given. It's partly the fact that they HINT that is the most annoying. And that they aren't professionals and can't really SAY. It's part of the fact that it seems more important for them to label then help that I find frustrating.

And then there is the family & friends who give unsolicited advice. Those are the people who I find irritating. Sending book & articles my direction, and hinting that that "it's so sad". The "it's so sad" part bugs me that most. If a kid is Aspergers or not, this is irritating. My son is still is a really wonderful kid if you can get him to warm up to you. Being labeled with ASD isn't like having cancer, it's not going to kill him. It isn't a disease that needs curing. And I get frustrated that society seems bent on "fixing" these kids more than understanding them. Trying to shove them into a square box rather then realizing that the square box isn't good for everyone. And basically trying to be arm chair psychologist who want to diagnosis not knowing the whole equation.

I hear you! And agree! I do think it is more the place of teachers, etc. to point out where they see the child struggling. Not offer a Dx (because they are not qualified) but to point out "I notice he struggles with this, this and this... we could do this to help, maybe look into an OT/PT/Psych eval, etc.," I don't appreciate it unsolicited from "friends." I mean, if you're noticing something, chances are the parent has too and is doing something, or researching or whatever. Also, some medications can affect a kid and you may not be privy to that, ykim? Which all goes along with not knowing the whole equation.

DD has ADHD and I kept asking teachers about it before she was diagnosed and they wouldn't give me enough information to even know what direction to turn, which was equally annoying. They talk about "focus issues" but I had no idea if they meant focus issues to the extent that it might be ADHD or just mild focus issues that any 5-6 year old kid might have in certain circumstances. Since they didn't seem overly concerned, for a while I figured DD must be fine, otherwise the teachers would be talking about it more. After all, they would tell a parent if they had a serious concern, right? Wrong! It would have been really helpful if they had said "I don't know if it's ADHD and we can't diagnose that, but I see some focus issues that are different than most of the other kids and you could talk to the doctor and ask about X inventory, and the school psych could come in and do an observation..." etc. etc. Instead they just beat around the bush, even when I asked directly about it and expressed my own concerns. What they should have done was offer to do an evaluation the second I mentioned I have concerns, and told me their own concerns (without offering a diagnosis), told me where to have an outside eval to get a medical diagnosis, and told us that we have a right to an eval (to the extent they can do)...but the district has no idea what the "child find" mandate is and they hardly ever evaluate kids, given the fact that they don't even know what the spec. ed categories are, so that never would have happened.

So given what I went through with DD and no one communicating with me, I was really surprised that a teacher would mention "Aspergers" in relation to DS before even getting to know him. So it goes both ways and there should be a middle ground. Teachers should tell parents that they have concerns and be direct about what they are seeing, but also say that they are not experts and that there is no way to know what is going on until a thorough evaluation by a trained professional is done.

Don't get me wrong the teachers are every so careful not to say the actual words, they just "hint" like you suggest. It can be very frustrating because they don't always know what they are talking about. Public School teachers can get in a lot of trouble with their schools if they try and diagnose a student, there are protocols and rules to be followed. Part of this is because if the teachers suggest it then, you as a parent can request the school do an evaluation. I had one teacher for my DD who when I told what I was doing outside of school she told me she was glad, and it's what she would have done if it were her child. But that she wasn't allowed to suggest that I get the private evaluation.

Just one thing I'll add here - this isn't directed at either blackcat or blue magic, just veers off a little bit on info that they've provided above. I've been in the position of having a child with issues we (parents) didn't recognize, and having a teacher make an assumption of a diagnoses that was incorrect. In hindsight, I believe she made the assumption in an honest manner, based on what she knew - she had seen quite a few kids with the other diagnosis and our ds had obviously *something* going on which shared a few of the symptoms. She shouldn't have mentioned the name of the diagnosis to us - for legal reasons and also because honestly it felt like an accusation and an excuse on her part and hundreds of other reasons it was just, not a good idea to say "I think your ds obviously has ….".

But the thing is - that teacher, unethically or illegally or whatever, mentioning that diagnosis to us, gave us an *invaluable* gift - she made it obvious to me we had to prove her wrong, and in going about that we found out our ds really *did* have a challenge that was impacting his life in a huge way - just not the challenge the teacher "diagnosed". For all that it made me mad at the time, today I am forever grateful that the teacher had the guts and nerve to suggest to us that our ds had "diagnosis X".

I think that teaching is, honestly, one of the toughest professions in the world. I have a number of friends who are teachers and teachers' aides or who work with young children. I can't tell you how many people I know in these positions agonize over children in their classrooms who are struggling in one way or another but who's parents insist the only issue is the classroom or the teacher. It's really tough to be in the place of having *some* limited knowledge and realizing a child needs help but not being able to communicate that either adequately or effectively to a parent for whatever reason. So for the parents out there who've had teachers suggest things that seem outrageous, it's ok to be indignant and annoyed and all that, but I'd also suggest not just writing it all off to "obviously highly gifted" or whatever, but instead think through, why is the teacher making this assumption? What's she saying *past* the diagnosis, what led to that assumption? Is there possibly something going on that's setting my ds/dd apart and that they might need some help with.

Sorry that is a bit rambling… but back to the OP… fwiw, I would ask your ds' primary care dr about the tics as a first step, and if you think they correlate with allergies, maybe ask for further allergy testing just to clarify. I'd also think through the social challenges you mentioned. As always, aeh has offered wonderful advice - so I'll just second everything aeh said!

Best wishes,

polarbear