Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy sibling rivalry

Looking for advice here.

DS 9 is a DYS. Classic PG kid - self taught reader at 2, read dictionaries and encyclopedias for fun, etc etc.

DD 8 is a hider. She finally cooperated with testing - or at least some portions of the test - and she has a verbal IQ that would qualify her for DYS, just not the achievement test scores to back it up. (Yes we will probably apply anyway, too close not to. That is the topic for a different day though.)

Anyway - DS is resenting that DD is getting attention for being smart. Despite our best efforts at encouraging him to identify himself as more than just smart, smart is central to his self image. Seeing DD as smart hurts him terribly.

What is more, he has gotten into the habit of putting forth no effort. After all, it isn't generally required. She, however, is just getting into the habit of putting forth effort. As such, she is showing him up right and left.

While she isn't really rubbing it in, she is enjoying it. Who can blame her after all these years of adoring smart big brother - she can compete with him if she puts her head to it.

Meanwhile, he is hating it. Who can blame him after all these years of seeing himself as the smart one and her as the one who needs his help.

How do we get past this stage as quickly and painlessly as possible?

Thanks for any ideas -

Mary

I think this kind of lesson is actually a benefit of having a sibling--for both your kids. Right now, your DS is learning an unpleasant lesson, but I think you will be able to help him get something positive out of it.

A person's identity should not be based on how smart (or not smart) they are compared to others. Help your DS understand his identity in terms of his own interests and accomplishments.

Self-esteem comes from making an effort and meeting a challenge.
Maybe you can direct both your children to challenges other than competing with each other (or anyone else for that matter.)

That could be easier said than done if they have competitive personalities.

If nothing else, it's a good way to present to both of the children that their sole identity shouldn't be "the smartest one". DD8 was de-throned a bit when DD6 was tested and I hadn't realized she had seemed to have labelled herself "she who is most smart and is never wrong or challenged".
In a way, we had reinforced this image without even realizing it. I'll pass some of the blame over to the school, though, she had solid reinforcement of that all day!
I'm glad I caught this when she was young, though. It can lead to perfectionism and a host of other problematic issues.
I'm not going to pretend they aren't smart, nor will I minimize how different they are when it's an issue that is relative based on time and place. But I sure hope they realize how special they are in all the other ways they are special.
They are competitive, that's an issue I will never be able to fully resolve for them. I like to try and balance it by encouraging them to support each other in all sorts of endeavors. Hope this makes sense and is helpful.

I agree with Cathy. I also think that learning this lesson at 9 is preferable to learning it at 18 or 25. Both of your kids may be realizing that IQ alone isn't enough, and that hard work is necessary for success.

I think it's vital that very highly gifted kids learn this lesson, because a time will come when something won't come easily. If a person can't draw on past experiences of working hard, s/he may crumble in the face of the challenge.

We spend a lot of time teaching our kids to keep trying, even when a task seems too hard. Then, when something seems impossible to do, we remind them of the times when they did something in spite of thinking it was too hard.

Val

Good for her!!

DS needs to realize that he is not the smartest person on the planet nor does he know everything. He also needs to respect the opinions and hard work of others.

Its better to learn this now than get crushed when its harder for him to adjust.

A suggestion would be for them to work together to solve a problem, make something, or to find something out.

Another is for each one to make a regular presentation to the other, soemthing you structure to ensure that its NEW material for both of them. Ie. she does Botany and he does Geology. This way they learn to learn from others AND learn how to transmit knowledge as well.

Absolutely, this has seemed to be the best medicine for intellectual competitiveness in our house.



Haven't tried this specifically. Sounds like a good idea, I'm going to give it a whirl.
Good thread, good ideas.

Hi Mary,
Glad to hear that DD finally allowed herself to be seen!

I think your DS is having his turn to 'squeek' as his joints un-freeze from the position of 'smart=easy.' My guess is that both your children are facing underachievement issues in their own ways.

What kinds of accomidations is DS getting at school?

I really like http://www.sylviarimm.com/whybrightkids.html
but after going on and on about common parent mistakes, she fesses up that just plain being wildly underplaced can cause all the obnoxious perfectionistic behaviors and internal confusions of smart/self identity.

((Waving Wildly))
It's great to hear from you!
Grinity

Thanks - good suggestion. I'll see if I can cook up something that requires them both to use their strengths to get to the solution. That might be particularly useful.

I'd love any other practical ideas. I know it is good for him, but knowing that doesn't help me help him. And straight up encouragement doesn't work - we have been doing that for years.

Grinity - Yes, Snoopy is wildly underchallenged at school and things have only gotten worse over the summer. Having a tough time with him. Doesn't want summer homeschool - which is really what he needs to maintain his sanity. But is refusing to self-challenge these days. While Barbie has taken to reading huge novels, he has reverted to reading nothing but video game manuals.

He has only skipped one grade, but 2 years ago, it was recommended that he skip an additional two grades. I just can't see him doing that though. And, in fairness, at least during the months prior to the science olympiad, he is fully engaged in school and in studying for the contest. The problem is that after it is over, there is nothing to challenge him.

At least next year he will have the same set of teachers - and by the end of the year last year they had come to realize that he wasn't getting enough challenge. So, if they can just remember what they concluded last year, maybe we can make something happen this year.

Mary

I am following this thread with great interest since I have a DS5 who is a DYS and a DD4 who seems to be following in her brother's footsteps. Right now the two of them fight so much with each other. At times I am so frustrated that they can't seem to get along.

I know a lot of the fighting occurs when they are vying for attention. My son is very academic while his sister has great artistic and physical talents. DH and I try to give each their own attention and focus on their individual talents but it does get tough at times.

I think I need to set up more collaborative opportunities for them. The only thing they seem to agree on and work together doing right now is excluding DS2. Poor kid. Always being shut out of rooms.

Hi Mary,

I wish I knew the answer to this problem!

Teambuilding? Something that gets them to be on the same team? Could backfire...Science Olympiad? take up new activity together, like golf, tennis, cooking, that gets them building a relationship not based on academics? I haven't really done this yet, and find DS12 will tease or bully DS9 when left together (e.g. kayaking recently). However, DS12 is very protective of DS9 when they've gone off to camp together (without grownups around).

For us, I've been just trying to keep them separate. Don't do homework in the same area. Sorry I can't give any more advice but will keep reading to see if others have the "cure". Good Luck!