Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy In laws think we are pushy parents

So my DH told his parents a little bit about where our DS is at with DYS and switching to a gifted program at a different school for next year and how happy we are for him. Our DS also played piano for them on Skype a few days ago because he is very proud of his accomplishments including a few compositions he's working on by himself! They don't get it. They think we are pushing him with piano and we should just "let him be a kid and back off." Has anyone else had good experience with explaining to people (family members) who are not intellectual, very small town and really have no clue? We don't see them that often, but it has really been bothering my DH. I have tried to tell them that I am exhausted by the end of the day from all of the things he is interested in and the research, building, reading, etc. that he loves to do, but still, they don't understand. Any suggestions or simple articles to send them would be helpful. It's kind of a bummer because if you can't brag about your awesome kid to his Grandparents who can you brag to??

Thanks Portia. You're right about family. So challenging. And thankfully there is this forum where it makes me feel like our little family is not so alone. I also like the Ultimate Brag Thread!

We can't brag to my parents or my in-laws. Too much baggage, there...my parents interpret it as my pointing out yet another way in which they failed as parents (and trust me, they did, in many ways), and my in-laws see it as competition with my SIL's kids...And even my DS8 who excels in a sport. You'd think that would be OK, but no...can't excel there either. Get lectures from my dad on how even if kids are good at a sport, chances are they won't make it to the Olympics. As if...the kid is 8.

So, we really don't say much to anyone. Welcome to the club!!

And thanks for giving me a chance to vent a little, too.

Can they take him for a week or so this summer? I bet that he will exhaust them. Maybe if they get hands-on experience with him they will realize just what kind of kid that you have.

Have you seen the book, Grandparents' Guide to Gifted Children? It may be the perfect Mother's Day gift for some spouses to give their moms (or MILs).

Portia's right. Some people just won't be receptive to the idea that your child needs to be on a radically different trajectory from the norm to be true to himself. It's sad when those purportedly close to us can't be supportive, but you have an enthusiastic audience here to cheer with you when the times are good and to support you when you face challenges.

Oddly I've always had a hard time talking to my in-laws about this and my husband was a PG gifted child who did an unusual trajectory through H.S. (And in general I get along with them.) You would think they would be sympathetic. But I get feeling they think it's competition, or putting down my nephews who are both bright boys who do well in school. This might be in part my BIL was one of those gifted but overlooked kids since my husband got all the notice. And when they look back in retrospect they regret not giving him more notice. Another issue is they just don't really see how different things have changed in H.S., applying to colleges and finding summer employment.

I had this problem just the other day with BIL asking DD7 if she ever plays. Don't even know where that came from! I'd taken her to a half-day electrical circuits course where she'd built a cool game from scratch that she bought to a family thing to proudly show everyone. Guess that's all it takes
But I kind of don't feel like we should have to explain ourselves. If they want to think we're pushy parents, meh, that's their problem

I struggle with this as well. I think that those without gifted children cannot fathom the drive that these kids have. He pushes ME. I don't think they would understand it unless they lived with it as well. I'm new to this journey but I try not to say anything at this point. This still causes issues because people notice and then when I respond, I feel like I'm bragging.

I don't know why but my FIL thinks my kids are idiots. Says things like,"If you go to college..." (one is already in college), but doesn't realize that 700+ on each section of the SAT is pretty good. He also dislikes that my kids get the NYT. He thinks they are ultra liberal - they are actually conservative but just go through the first few pages to quickly get the news of the day. I don't think he speaks the same way to his other grandchildren.

My kids don't get the same comments from him when it comes to sports. He actually thinks more highly of their athletic abilities than he should.

we are lucky with my MIL and my parents - so far, they seem to understand and have been supportive.

It is one of my sisters that we are making very sure she does not get wind of what's up with our kids - even my parents have stated that it is important that my sister is kept in the dark with what's going on with my kids with regards to giftedness and their development because she is so competitive by nature that we are concerned she will attempt to hothouse her daughter or do something silly in her attempts to keep up with what our kids do naturally. She went on attack on my family a year ago anyway, so we have stopped talking which makes it easy for me to avoid her, and I have to purposely keep it vague with my other sister when I talk/email her so that she does not accidentally let something slip with my sister.

Nice to know, albeit sadly, that we are not alone! Indigo, I looked up the book you recommended and it looks lovely, but does not fit my in-laws. They really have no clue and have spent way more time with my son's cousins than him. My DH talked them into coming up for his first piano recital and it was an interesting 24 hours. My MIL actually asked DS if I "made" him practice piano! She was actually grilling him on what I make him do for math and reading too! They have no idea how exhausted I am sometimes! The kid loves it and in 10 months is playing Bach. My in-laws are not very cultural. They don't understand music, literature, intellectual pursuits, just care what the neighbors think and gossip. They are sort of shocked when we tell them we took him out of school for the day to go to an orchestra concert. It's also amusing when they ask what I will be doing once he is in school full time in the fall. Volunteering at school and making sure he is challenged at home is sort of a full time job right now. I'm sure most of you can agree!

The best thing was for them to see the piano recital. Our son was placed with the big kids, due to the complex piece he was playing and after they heard all of the older kids play much simpler pieces than our DS I think they were shocked. I was even surprised at the level of poise and professionalism my DS had on stage before, during and after the recital, complete with a long bow and big smile. (Theater and performing might possibly be in his future!) Yes, I now know what "My heart is bursting with pride," means! My in-laws now have some perspective on his level of talent. Some. I'm sure they will still think we are pushing him and we should just "let him be a kid." They don't get that that's exactly what we're doing. And I am going to have to be okay with that.

This forum has been amazing for me to hear from all of you about your similar children and it definitely makes me feel less lonely on this intense journey! What did people like us do before the internet!!

notnafnaf and Portia it's sad to hear about your sisters. At least mine doesn't berate my kid! My SIL has a gifted son, but he's at a different level than my DS, and she thinks the same as her parents, that we are pushing him. We have very different parenting styles and now I just don't say anything. Her kids spend an enormous amount of time playing video games. They have serious entitlement issues. I also witnessed her 8 year old receive a brain puzzle for Christmas and instead of happily digging into it he secretly looked at the answer (my DH and I witnessed this), solved it and told everyone he did it in a manner of minutes. Very sad that he feels he needs to prove himself in that way and is not enjoying the journey. Yet, in our in-laws eyes we are the parents who need chill out. Jeez! Sorry for the rant!

One last tidbit. Upon entering my DS room, when visiting, my MIL noticed his vast collection of board games and enormous amounts of Lego and Snap Circuits projects in process. She looked at my DH and said, "That's a lot of stuff out. Aren't they only supposed to have 5 age appropriate toys out at a time?"

Priceless!

My in-laws and yours must be closely related! Mine think that young boys shoud be allowed to be boys by their mothers and sitting indoors practicing piano and afterschooling etc is damaging to them! Apparently, boys should either be hanging out at the local park or watching videos when not in school (according to their experience and that of their friends and family)! And it is offensive to them that my child sits willingly with me and afterschools - literature, math, art, read alouds, puzzles etc. They even grilled DS on what his school grades were and then looked more puzzled as to why the "crazy mom" afterschools when the grades are very good anyway. They don't understand why I read aloud classics like Peter Pan, Hobbit, Narnia etc when there are DVDs of those movies out there. I can never even begin to explain and never try to either. I remember when DS was 4 and went to his piano class and ILs asked me "why does he need to go to piano class". I did not have an answer then or now

The amusing thing for me was when they invited themselves to stay with us on the week of the National Piano Guild Auditions for my son and even though they had the TV blaring in our small house all the time, my DS practiced his pieces every single day without any nagging from me and came home with a "Superlative" performance certificate from the judge. They read all the positive remarks written by the judge and they are still processing all the information - because watching how motivated my DS was has changed their impression of him from a poor kid with a pushy mom to a focused, talented and motivated child who is aided by his parent to reach his goals.
Sometimes, it is alright to not be able to talk to family about your gifted child.

We have some of each. My parents think DD walks on water and is the perfect child and OBVIOUSLY a genius. I sometimes get the feeling they'd think this regardless of her actual LOG, but hey, I'll take it. :-) They have no problems with any of the decisions we've made or anything she's done and are generally proud doting grandparents. This despite the fact that they were pretty over-protective of me and pushed me A LOT to do more of what they thought was valuable when I was growing up.

My MIL on the other hand, thinks we are horrible, pushy, hot-housing parents and that everything we do for her is actually for us. Fortunately I don't have to talk to her much (DH handles that) and we see her almost not at all. I'm pretty sure that it comes from a place of guilt at having done nothing for her own gifted sons, despite opportunities and support.

People are interesting.