Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School DS5 driving away friends with talking/noises

DS5 is extremely social and cares a great deal about having friends to play with. However, he is intense, tends to be too eager, and is frequently making noises or talking incessantly. I have seen kids avoid him or stop playing with him after a while, and he tends to amp up the energy when this happens, further exacerbating the problem. He indicated that he knows when kids don't want to play with him, but he tries to "lure them back".

I've been talking with DS about this recently, in (what I hope is) a gentle way. We talk about how loud noises, continuous talking, etc. can be overwhelming to others, and we've done a little bit of role playing so that he knows to just go and do his own thing when other kids seem to be avoiding him. We also bought "You Are a Social Detective" at the advice of a psychologist and discussed the importance of following expected social rules.

However, I feel like talking about the problem has only made him feel less confident socially. I think sometimes he can't stop the constant talking/noises (I know many of the parents on this forum can relate). Last time we went to a park with a group of kids, he hung back and told me that he didn't want to play. And when we went to a birthday party, he kept wanting to play with me instead of with the other kids.

I want him to be "himself", but I know that he craves friendship and is very hurt by friends turning away. I don't know how to help him, and I'm scared that this will really undermine his confidence in general. Anyone have the same experience and found ways to help their kids? Or did the problem just resolve itself with time?

I'm so sorry that you're both going through this. Social skills can be so difficult.

Could it be that he just wants to hang back and observe for a while?

A birthday party or the park can present both a large number of children and many social situations concurrently. The demand for a high number of interactions and thinking on one's feet might feel like jumping into the deep end of the pool when one is not ready.

Might he be more comfortable with a play date, just visiting with one friend, possibly with a parent nearby as a coach if needed? Inviting another family on a trip to the zoo, museum, etc may also present an opportunity to practice friendship skills in a natural, comfortable social setting.

KathrynH - Thanks for the sympathy. Actually, you just reminded me that I meant to take him to a busy park and ask him to just sit and observe how kids play together. Honestly though, he generally has a hard time sitting still and watching (which is part of the problem!!!) His little body just wants to be moving.

indigo - I have been trying to set up more one-on-one playdates recently, with mixed results. It seems that if the kid is someone he's known for a long time, the playdate goes fine, but if it's someone a little less familiar, as soon as the other kid starts to draw away, DS just gets louder and more energetic. Sometimes I've tried to step in and talk to him about being "overwhelming", but generally by that time the damage is done. Maybe I'm just not a good coach - after all, I don't feel comfortable in a lot of social situations, either.

Do social skills classes help with overeagerness? Or are they more geared toward kids that are more shy or bad with reading other kid's signals? DS appears to be able to read signals, but just doesn't react in a way that will get him what he wants. He's such a genuinely nice and friendly kid, it breaks my heart to see him get rejected over and over again.

The social skill classes I'm familiar with are really great, but cater more to the very introverted and those on the spectrum. However, they do tend to be very small in size & might be able to accommodate your DS. I'd definitely contact leaders of these classes in your area and talk more about your situation. It's definitely worth a shot!