Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Bullying issue

My son previously and developmental delays but has been doing well. I'm posting here because I do still think he may have some differences from other kids.

He is in kindergarten but goes to first grade for part of the day. His school has been wonderfully supportive and we have been very impressed with them.

Recently, another child has started taking my son's lunch every day. We didn't realize right away because he didn't say much about it. They sit together and the other child helps himself to anything he wants in my son's lunch.

I have talked with the teacher and they say they he should just tell a teacher. He says that he has told a teacher and they tell the other child to stop, then go to do something else and the child goes back to taking the food.

My son's teacher is wonderful, but she isn't there at lunch. I'm going in to try to see who is there and what exactly is happening.

I'm really not sure what else I can do because my son does not qualify for an IEP. My next step, after seeing what the lunchroom looks like, is to talk with the principal.

There is surely something the school can do to stop this from happening, even in a busy lunchroom. Do any of you have suggestions? Would you ask for him to eat at another table? I'm concerned he would feel ostracized.

I would send an email to the principal and the teacher involved indicating the issue you're experiencing, and ask for the children to be separated at lunch time. There shouldn't be a problem with ensuring that these children aren't immediately next to each other. The major problem with implementation would be that the teacher usually isn't there supervising the children during lunch... she's in the teacher's lounge with her own lunch. Still, depending on how they handle the lunch room, there can still be things that she can do. For instance, if everyone lines up and eats in the same room, she can send the bully to the back of the line. I'd let the teacher and principal brainstorm about ways they can solve that, since it's their responsibility. I'd be letting them know, too, that I'm holding them responsible for solving it in a way that meets your child's needs without making him feel punished in any way.

Most school districts have written policies that describe how they take bullying situations seriously, and having sent it in writing means you can produce the notification later. That tends to help these things get taken more seriously.

My DD9 was experiencing a bullying issue earlier this year. In her case it involved three teachers, because DD is in a 3rd grade homeroom, a G/T math pull-out, and a G/T LA pull-out, all with the child involved. When I notified the school via email, all of the staff members involved took the situation seriously, took appropriate steps, and while the kids are still around each other all day and are clearly not friends, the bullying aspect has been resolved.

While doing all that Dude says, I would also go ahead and volunteer as a lunch room helper as this is a parent volunteer's job in my local school district. If this is allowed in your child's school, I suggest that you show up as a volunteer at lunch time and keep an eye on your child's situation until it is resolved.

Another idea is to find out what the "food sharing/trading" policy is at your child's school.

Due to increasing concerns about food allergy and other dietary considerations, many schools have QUITE strict prohibitions about touching/taking any other student's food.

To add to Dude's suggestions, use your district's exact language regarding its definition of bullying as published in their bullying policy. I've found that many teachers and principals don't see non-physical bullying as bullying until it's pointed out as such using their own words. It's malicious, it's a blind spot.

I second contacting the teacher and asking for the students to be separated at lunch. I would think they could sit at the same table, just not next to each other. Surely someone could tell the children not to sit next to each other and whoever supervises the lunchroom could check to make sure they are not.

At our school the vice principal handles discipline, and would be the person I would contact if the teacher didn't resolve the situation. Most schools take bullying very seriously, and even if the child is not doing this out of malice, if your son doesn't get to eat his lunch it IS bullying.

I would start by going in at lunch, introducing myself to whoever is watching over the students, and eating lunch with my child - and seeing who's in charge and to meet the child who's stealing your ds' lunch. It's possible (depending on the child involved) that something as simple as you sitting down at lunch for just one day, and telling the other child that you know he's been taking your ds' lunch and you are going to report it if he ever does it again, might be enough to stop it. If not, you'll have made a contact with the person who is in charge during lunch, and that would be my next step - let him/her know what's going on and ask for them to handle it however you think is best (separate the kids, watch out to catch the student in the act, whatever). Then after those things have failed, I'd send an email to principal etc as suggested above.

The reason I'd start with the lunchroom visit etc is - I saw a lot of things like this go on in my children's early elementary lunchroom on the days I happened to be there at lunch time, but the teachers aren't typically in the lunchroom and the adults who were charged with overseeing the kids had a huge massive bunch of chaos and noise to deal with, so it was easy for students who "quietly" picked on others to slide under the radar. When you go in, all of your focus will be on this specific situation, and that in and of itself might be all it takes to get the other student to stop.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I would also suggest visiting the school during lunch. I'd do this before getting the principal involved so you have a better understanding of the situation. Are you familiar with the child who is taking your child's food? Is it possible that this child doesn't understand that it's not ok to take food from your child? I know your child has talked to the lunchroom workers, and presumably they talked about this with the other child, but that doesn't mean that child understood. I work with Kindergarteners, and I could see several of my students doing this, given the opportunity. Not because they are trying to "bully" another student, but because the students I'm thinking of don't really understand social conventions like personal belongings/space (particularly students with ASD or developmental delays).

At any rate, I'd be sure that the situation really is originating from "ill will" before you throw the word "bullying" into the mix with school staff. It's a highly charged word and I'd use it sparingly.

I would ask the teacher to see the bully is served first - that way they will be seated and your child can sit somewhere else - would that work? I don't understand your system but was told the other day the he had an assigned table for his class. Alternatively if your child is confident enough tell him to say "get you hand out of my food" in a loud voice. We used to advise waitresses to do something similar when customers had roaming hands.

I am assuming you work or have younger kids so lunchtime visits aren't an option? I would also be concerned about the school's response to such an approach - would you like it if some other parent came into school to put the hard word on your child.

That seems to me like rewarding the behavior, and it'll probably seem like that to the child, too. You always get more of the behavior you reward.

I really appreciate all of this feedback. It is wonderful. My poor little guy is a small, nerdy bully-magnet. I think this is going to be a continual issue.

Before I had a chance to read all of the feedback, the principal called me. Apparently DS hit someone yesterday. He is not a hitter; this hasn't happened before. So I talked with DS yesterday to try to get the full story. It turns out another child terrified him while he was on the swing so that he would get off (and give up the swing). The child threatened to push him so hard he would go high and then fall off. DS then spent all of recess standing next to the swing trying to get it back but the child wouldn't let him have it. This is the child that DS then hit (although apparently not hard) when the child blocked him from standing next to his best friend in line. Obviously hitting is never acceptable, but it gives context.

So I went back to see the principal today and he called all of the children involved in all of these incidents into his office. The bully (from the swings) was asked to explain if he knew what bullying was, etc., and was told that if he even goes near my son on the playground he will lose playground privileges. My son is also not allowed to go near him (e.g., to wait for a swing he is on). Some of the other kids gave other examples of DS being bullied that I didn't even know about; one of them has been calling him names. The principal says he thinks there has been a pattern of bullying going on over time, more than we even realized.

So the end result was that the specific child who has been bullying DS is not allowed near him and the child who has been eating his lunch is not allowed to take his lunch (DS is not even allowed to give pieces of his lunch if he wants to; all sharing is banned). The child who had been picking up DS against his will and carrying him around (like I said, he's small) is no longer allowed to do so.

DS also has a little red stress ball apple now. If he is having any problem at all, just taking out the apple is supposed to signal to teachers that he needs to talk with the principal.

I hope that this may help; the other kids seemed to take it seriously (I saw them all file past me on their way out of the principal's office). DS has been complaining that there is no point in telling anyone because no one will do anything, so I hope he feels differently now.

At the same time, though, this was obviously a big thing (all of the kids were conspicuously called down to the principal's office and I'm sure they were embarrassed and upset about that). I hope it won't result in retaliation of any sort.

Ugh, what an awful situation. It does sound like you've got a principal who is responding appropriately. DD also had a silent signal for her teacher for bullying. It was empowering for her.

Now it's time to address the bigger issues:
*Who is going to address your son's social skills so that he's less of an attractor of such behavior? It sounds like he can use some social skills training.
*How will the principal address the climate in the classroom, lunch room, and playground such that these issues keep happening? If your son was the recipient of so much such behavior, I'll bet you he's not the only one.

Evidence-based, school wide anti-bullying programs work. I would meet with the principal in a week or two as a follow up, and ask what he's doing school wide.

We have tried doing some social skills classes in the summer, but have limited options just due to where we live. It's something we are trying to do when possible. He knows what to do, but needs more confidence to actually do it. We tried a wonderful program last year where they play act common recess situations and practice good responses. It's something we can only get to a few times a year, though, and that's a shame.

That's a good idea. We will definitely check back next week. I checked on DS at lunchtime today (which I can't usually do due to work obligations) and it sounds like they have a substitute who is being very strict about behavior. He's sad because he clipped down for not paying attention (his regular teacher lets him read when they are doing things he already knows, so it's always harder with a sub because he's used to that). As long as he is sitting quietly and not being disruptive, it seems harsh to penalize him for not concentrating enough on things he knows how to do.

We could move him to the same school as my daughter, where kids work at their own pace, but have wanted to keep him at this school because his best friends are there.

"He knows what to do, but needs more confidence to actually do it."
It takes practice. I'd ask the principal to make sure this happens at school. I've found that when I go in on a bullying issue, my words carry much, much more weight if I go in there with the approach of "these kids need to learn appropriate behavior, my child included" instead of "these kids need to stop bullying my kid." Requesting social support for my child acknowledges the complex nature of these interactions.

It's separate from the bullying, but it would be useful to have a chat with the teacher about his behavior expectations when a sub is there. Either your DS or the sub (or both) must be informed about variable expectations.

and You may wish to keep a dated log or journal at home in which to document any further incidents.

I appreciate the advice. We will keep a record. I'm frustrated because he had a tough day today regardless because the sub didn't give him any of the accommodations he is used to having and he had trouble paying attention. I was hoping he's have a good day after the meeting. He usually gets to skip work he knows how to do, and, while it's important to be able to handle doing work one doesn't feel like doing from time to time, it is hard for a kindergartener to understand why they suddenly have to do work they usually skip.

Some schools have a plan for seamless transition to substitute teachers: special notes (such as accommodations) are included in a ring binder to quickly raise awareness of compliance for the substitute teacher. Paras or teacher aides may also be available to assist if the sub is unfamiliar; This ensures continuity for the students in the teacher's absence.

Was this the only day for the sub? Will the classroom teacher be back tomorrow?

It's not clear when the teacher will be back. I'm going to go in tomorrow and try to see what the options are. I suspect that the substitutes may not be used to these sorts of accommodations, so I'm not sure how much it will help. However, I am going to discuss it with the principal at our next meeting to see if there is a way to help substitutes realize what he is used to.

I'm not sure if he has informal accommodations or a 504 plan, but failing to inform a substitute teacher about accommodations in a 504 plan is illegal (as well as very common). The school will give you a song-and-dance about your DS' privacy if you ask about this. I suspect that your best bet is to include in the 504 as one of the listed accommodations that everyone who works with your DS, including volunteers and subs, will be informed of his 504 plan and accommodations.

He doesn't qualify for a 504 plan or an IEP at present (and we've been told he won't ever qualify for an IEP at this school due to being so academically advanced). I could imagine possibly trying to get a 504 plan at some point if he continues to have a lot of difficulty, but he has no current diagnosis or delays (he has a history of severe delays and I think he may still have more difficulty with processing language; his teacher thinks he is just thoughtful and that's why he responds slowly to questions).

That's a misreading of the law.

An IEP covers not only academic but also functional skills-- including social skills, participation in class or small group work, turning in work on time, all kinds of things. If you go to Wrightslaw and put "functional" into their textbox you'll get a lot of information.

I was told that he would only qualify for an IEP if he had issues that interfered with his education (obviously, being bullied makes it difficult). His OT told me last week that they never even give OT services with a significant fine motor delay unless there is a delay in another area. I had heard the same thing from others in other districts (i.e., that they have to have something that interferes with their education to qualify).

I tried searching Wrightslaw and did see that functional behavior must be included in an IEP, but I couldn't find anything about whether a child could qualify based just on that. It isn't something I have researched before, so I will look into it more.

Honestly, though, I doubt I would get anything even if I pushed. We are in an area with few resources and few therapists. They have been very willing to give him gifted accommodations on an informal basis and I think I would be less likely to get that with a poor relationship with them. If it becomes critical, though, I will definitely look into those options.

How is this going? Is the regular classroom teacher back? Has the school come up with a means to communicate variances to a substitute teacher?

I see your point but a) I didn't mean first in line just before the other kid, and b) how would he know that it was intentional? Still it sounds like it has been sorted now.

Did I miss something? Don't the other kids have parents? What information is being given to them? Don't they have some control over disciplining their children?

One of my concerns in all this would be to make sure the school is informing the other parents and at this age I imagine most if not all of the bad behavior will come quickly to an end.


I found out that ds11 (at the time) was getting some grief from one of the students on his bus. And by association, by some bigger buddy of the first student.
I knew the mom, so that helped, but I just skipped over all the inter-school communication and went straight to her. The next day the boy had written an apology note and really never ever did bother my son again. In fact, I could tell at scouts (which they also attended together) that the boy was making an effort to be nice to my ds. This boy has since moved away, but the other larger boy has been progressing to a regular nice guy so that is good to see. (I also had another word with him about using negative language such as 'that game is gay!').

Our situation was unusual I suppose, however surely there is a way for the other parents to be informed and work with their children.

I also worry about the idea that kids who get bullied bring it on themselves by being irritating, know-it-alls, or easy targets.

This is a pretty good article, I thought it would be more fluff, but seems to have some meat to it:
http://www.greatschools.org/parenting/bullying/slideshows/3098-10-bullying-myths.gs?page=7

especially interested in the pages on parental influence, the cases for and against self defense, the social climber (bully).

they advocate against contacting parents directly, however I will say again, it worked for us. Guess we got lucky.

I really appreciate these comments. The regular teacher will be back on Monday and I will be meeting with her then. So we should know more at that point.

However, my son had a very good day last Wednesday. He felt very positive. The principal says they are going to give him some additional enrichment to help him in class and they are going to purchase some of his favorite educational iPad apps to use at school.

So now it's a question of seeing what happens next week. Some of the other kids have also given examples of bullying and have said they will also report those to the principal if they see them again. I don't know if they will, but there are multiple people looking out for problems now.

Yes-- Lillie-Felton.

So the bully gave him a hard time again today and the principal had left early so he had no one to tell. This is so frustrating... I could ask them about IEP options, but am not sure what more they could do. What do all of you think?

I am so sorry to hear this.

Some may say the principal needs to be informed about the bullying as soon as possible. You and/or your son will want to make the best use of the principal's time. You may wish to prepare, by having your son write a complete description of the incident, as it occurred, in chronological order. Creating a numbered list of points can make this easier. For example (using a fictitious scenario):
1. I was sitting at lunch table #5, unpacking my lunch.
2. I looked up at the clock.
3. B reached over and took my cookies from my lunch.
4. Until that moment I did not know he was there.
5. Then he laughed and stared at me.

All information in this example is manufactured.

You may wish to e-mail the principal. You might include
- the description of the incident,
- a statement that your son knows he is supposed to contact the principal if any such incidents occur,
- unfortunately the principal was not available,
- thank the principal for having a plan in place,
- request a back-up plan of individuals whom your son could contact if this situation were to recur.

While the presentation irks, indigo's suggestions are excellent. Do you have an email address for the principal? If not, write it all down to give him tomorrow, and also ask for one for the future.

I don't know that I consider this a bullying issue, but perhaps an example of "food insecurity".

Has this child had anyone check into his home situation? He may not readily have access to regular on-time food and so when presented with an "opportunity", he acts as he sees appropriate.

My husband had limited food as a child. As a result, he became somewhat of a "hoarder" of whatever excess was available. To this day, he will sit at a table and "protectively" cover his plate with his hand as he's eating. He's nearly 50.

PLEASE check that this so-called bully is receiving proper nutrition.

Actually, the main bully is one who threatens to push my son off of the swings. The story has actually become more complex with additional bullying incidents that we hadn't known about before. We originally only knew that my son's food was being taken. It turns out that there were issues with multiple kids in different circumstances. The food issue hasn't happened again since the child involved was told to stop (I went to lunch and talked with the child myself and he seems to genuinely feel sorry because apparently he thought my son didn't mind). It doesn't seem like there is more to the food issue, although I can see why that would be a possibility.

I do have the principal's e-mail and I sent a message as soon I picked up my son, before even leaving the school. I think I will start documenting like Indigo suggested. The problem is that I'm not sure what I could ask them to do besides what they are already doing.

I think the magic words here are "deal with the culture of bullying that seems to be developing at this school." You can absolutely ask them to look into anti bullying programs and techniques that they could implement school-wide. This takes the pressure off your son as the center of attention and solves what seems to be a wider problem.

I was badly bullied as a child and intervention by authority figures tended only to make things worse. Because they brought me unwanted attention as a victim and made me more of a target.

Also, I recommend signing your son up for martial arts. I know I've posted about this here before, but again, it's been great for our DD in terms of confidence and bully-proofing (not perfect, but very helpful). Here's my previous post: http://giftedissues.davidsongifted....Re_Intensely_Independent.html#Post185008

Sorry that some may find the presentation irksome. My aim was to demonstrate in my post the type of brevity which is factual and thorough, and may serve the family well in documenting and communicating what occurred.

The principal will want to trust the description he receives, and be confident in the facts in order to proceed. Not articulating the problem well may result in:
- less focus on eliminating the bully's aggressive, inappropriate behavior.
- increased focus on the victim's ability to communicate confidently, stand up for himself, etc.

Keeping the focus on the problem to be solved (in this case, the bully's actions) can be tough, but a clear description can help.

By contrast, using emotional language, hyperbole, etc, may be understood as "drama" or blowing things out of proportion and therefore reflect poorly on the victim, possibly changing the focus away from the bullying behaviors.

I agree with the suggestion about martial arts. My daughter is in taekwondo and it has been wonderful. They have a specific curriculum that addresses bullying issues. I have been trying to convince my son to try it and maybe this will help encourage him to try.

I think the careful description of what happened is a good idea to make sure that everything is documented and communicated. I'm really becoming discouraged about being able to resolve this, though. My son is really upset. He needs to get better at standing up for himself and asking for help, but I think this is only making it harder for him to do that because he is so discouraged as well.

I'm thinking about just pulling him out for either homeschool (with taekwondo or some other activity to help work on his social skills and confidence) or to move him to the charter school his sister attends. It just seems a shame as he enjoyed school so much until recently.

Keep the onus on the school to resolve this. Do not focus on your son feeling's such as upset or discouraged. Doing so will invite the school to address that as the problem. Focus on the inappropriate behaviors of the bully, and then say no more. Did you write the complete description of the incident, as it occurred, in chronological order? How many numbered points are in the list you created?

When speaking with the school do not make excuses for the bully. Keep your son's feelings out of it. Keep your feelings to yourself. The less said the better.

Separately, at home, address your son's weaknesses. IMO, if there is taekwondo offered in your area and they have a specific curriculum that deals with bullying issues and you already have one kiddo there, it is well past time to speak to them about your son and sign him up. Tell him this will help him learn the skills he needs. Waffling or indecisiveness on your part may role model waffling/indecisiveness to your son, making him seem weak, and causing him to be a bully magnet. This is your private family matter, it does not need to be reported to the school. In other words, your family addressing your son's needs through taekwondo DOES NOT resolve the bully problem or let the school off the hook.

This. In fact, if I didn't make this clear, I should have.

Martial arts can benefit your son. However this does nothing to resolve an issue with bullying at your school. School needs to be a safe place for all students, not just those who can stand up for themselves. Being tough should not be a prerequisite for getting a good education.

Has anyone's school implemented a "buddy bench" as one approach to ending bullying?
Any thoughts on the effectiveness of a school having a buddy bench, to foster inclusion and encourage new friendships... and ultimately reduce bullying that may aimed at children who may appear isolated?

Although the theory of these Buddy Benches sounds lovely a similar scheme that operated at my DD�s first school didn�t work well. She found that she would be left waiting, and children who joined her there would be preferentially selected by classmates and taken off to join their games. This made her exclusion all the more obvious and painful.

We found her school had a very naive approach to bullying and were simply incompetent in their handling of subtler forms of it. 2e kids were especially not well supported.

So it may be that a Buddy Bench might work well if properly supervised but there is a real risk that sitting at the bench is seen as an admission of weakness.

(I will add that DD is in high school now and has a good group of friends.)