Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Bullying issue

I really appreciate all of this feedback. It is wonderful. My poor little guy is a small, nerdy bully-magnet. I think this is going to be a continual issue.

Before I had a chance to read all of the feedback, the principal called me. Apparently DS hit someone yesterday. He is not a hitter; this hasn't happened before. So I talked with DS yesterday to try to get the full story. It turns out another child terrified him while he was on the swing so that he would get off (and give up the swing). The child threatened to push him so hard he would go high and then fall off. DS then spent all of recess standing next to the swing trying to get it back but the child wouldn't let him have it. This is the child that DS then hit (although apparently not hard) when the child blocked him from standing next to his best friend in line. Obviously hitting is never acceptable, but it gives context.

So I went back to see the principal today and he called all of the children involved in all of these incidents into his office. The bully (from the swings) was asked to explain if he knew what bullying was, etc., and was told that if he even goes near my son on the playground he will lose playground privileges. My son is also not allowed to go near him (e.g., to wait for a swing he is on). Some of the other kids gave other examples of DS being bullied that I didn't even know about; one of them has been calling him names. The principal says he thinks there has been a pattern of bullying going on over time, more than we even realized.

So the end result was that the specific child who has been bullying DS is not allowed near him and the child who has been eating his lunch is not allowed to take his lunch (DS is not even allowed to give pieces of his lunch if he wants to; all sharing is banned). The child who had been picking up DS against his will and carrying him around (like I said, he's small) is no longer allowed to do so.

DS also has a little red stress ball apple now. If he is having any problem at all, just taking out the apple is supposed to signal to teachers that he needs to talk with the principal.

I hope that this may help; the other kids seemed to take it seriously (I saw them all file past me on their way out of the principal's office). DS has been complaining that there is no point in telling anyone because no one will do anything, so I hope he feels differently now.

At the same time, though, this was obviously a big thing (all of the kids were conspicuously called down to the principal's office and I'm sure they were embarrassed and upset about that). I hope it won't result in retaliation of any sort.

Ugh, what an awful situation. It does sound like you've got a principal who is responding appropriately. DD also had a silent signal for her teacher for bullying. It was empowering for her.

Now it's time to address the bigger issues:
*Who is going to address your son's social skills so that he's less of an attractor of such behavior? It sounds like he can use some social skills training.
*How will the principal address the climate in the classroom, lunch room, and playground such that these issues keep happening? If your son was the recipient of so much such behavior, I'll bet you he's not the only one.

Evidence-based, school wide anti-bullying programs work. I would meet with the principal in a week or two as a follow up, and ask what he's doing school wide.

We have tried doing some social skills classes in the summer, but have limited options just due to where we live. It's something we are trying to do when possible. He knows what to do, but needs more confidence to actually do it. We tried a wonderful program last year where they play act common recess situations and practice good responses. It's something we can only get to a few times a year, though, and that's a shame.

That's a good idea. We will definitely check back next week. I checked on DS at lunchtime today (which I can't usually do due to work obligations) and it sounds like they have a substitute who is being very strict about behavior. He's sad because he clipped down for not paying attention (his regular teacher lets him read when they are doing things he already knows, so it's always harder with a sub because he's used to that). As long as he is sitting quietly and not being disruptive, it seems harsh to penalize him for not concentrating enough on things he knows how to do.

We could move him to the same school as my daughter, where kids work at their own pace, but have wanted to keep him at this school because his best friends are there.

"He knows what to do, but needs more confidence to actually do it."
It takes practice. I'd ask the principal to make sure this happens at school. I've found that when I go in on a bullying issue, my words carry much, much more weight if I go in there with the approach of "these kids need to learn appropriate behavior, my child included" instead of "these kids need to stop bullying my kid." Requesting social support for my child acknowledges the complex nature of these interactions.

It's separate from the bullying, but it would be useful to have a chat with the teacher about his behavior expectations when a sub is there. Either your DS or the sub (or both) must be informed about variable expectations.

and You may wish to keep a dated log or journal at home in which to document any further incidents.

I appreciate the advice. We will keep a record. I'm frustrated because he had a tough day today regardless because the sub didn't give him any of the accommodations he is used to having and he had trouble paying attention. I was hoping he's have a good day after the meeting. He usually gets to skip work he knows how to do, and, while it's important to be able to handle doing work one doesn't feel like doing from time to time, it is hard for a kindergartener to understand why they suddenly have to do work they usually skip.

Some schools have a plan for seamless transition to substitute teachers: special notes (such as accommodations) are included in a ring binder to quickly raise awareness of compliance for the substitute teacher. Paras or teacher aides may also be available to assist if the sub is unfamiliar; This ensures continuity for the students in the teacher's absence.

Was this the only day for the sub? Will the classroom teacher be back tomorrow?

It's not clear when the teacher will be back. I'm going to go in tomorrow and try to see what the options are. I suspect that the substitutes may not be used to these sorts of accommodations, so I'm not sure how much it will help. However, I am going to discuss it with the principal at our next meeting to see if there is a way to help substitutes realize what he is used to.

I'm not sure if he has informal accommodations or a 504 plan, but failing to inform a substitute teacher about accommodations in a 504 plan is illegal (as well as very common). The school will give you a song-and-dance about your DS' privacy if you ask about this. I suspect that your best bet is to include in the 504 as one of the listed accommodations that everyone who works with your DS, including volunteers and subs, will be informed of his 504 plan and accommodations.

He doesn't qualify for a 504 plan or an IEP at present (and we've been told he won't ever qualify for an IEP at this school due to being so academically advanced). I could imagine possibly trying to get a 504 plan at some point if he continues to have a lot of difficulty, but he has no current diagnosis or delays (he has a history of severe delays and I think he may still have more difficulty with processing language; his teacher thinks he is just thoughtful and that's why he responds slowly to questions).