Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Self awareness without causing self consciousness?

I may be seeking the impossible, but if any group will have solutions, it's this one. DS8 can be an oddball and has absolutely no idea that he can be an oddball. He has zero recognition that his behaviour can be unusual. Zilch. He is also very sensitive and at the least hint of criticism typically loses his composure. I'm trying to find a way to gently alert him to the benefits of being aware of how others see him, without having him conclude that there's something wrong with him. I don't want him to be self conscious, nor do I want him to try to be anyone other than himself.

His quirkiness hasn't been a social problem to date, because his schoolmates have known him since preschool and like him just as he is. He's at an age, however, where I expect that to start changing (it already can be an issue in outside social environments). I also see his lack of self recognition as part of a broader problem of engagement. If he's completely unaware of the impression he is making, how engaged can he be in his surroundings?

It may be that this is really a social skills problem that I'm misapprehending as youthful narcissism. I worry that one day he'll be mocked as a 'weirdo' and that I will have let him down by leaving him to be himself, warts and all, instead of letting him in on the hard reality of the social importance of appearances.

There are books which can help kids see social situations through a lens which is not personal which can help raise awareness and open discussion on these things in a way which may help a child not feel criticized.

There are lots of good things at Prufrock Press, Great Potential Press, free spirit publishing.

One new book from 2013 is Asperkids Secret Book of Social Rules (http://www.amazon.com/Asperkids-Secret-Book-Social-Rules/dp/1849059152)

From 2011: Social Rules For Kids - Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed (http://www.amazon.com/Social-Rules-Kids-The-Kids-Succeed/dp/1934575844)

There may be more than one issue going on here, because I see the negative reactions to criticism as possible perfectionism, anxiety, or other insecurity. Any of those would be separate from quirkiness, nor related to narcissism.

In our family we can talk about being perceived as "weird" very easily, but that's because we've nurtured an environment where we can all laugh at ourselves and each other. Our house is a very silly place. We've embraced the idea that the whole family is weird, so it's easy to talk about how, as individuals, we exhibit that.

We also have a lot of serious talks about how we see others, how they see us, etc. I have a lot of conversations with DD where we hold up a social situation and explore it from all the different perspectives of the people involved. Some are from real life, and some are from books or movies. The goal is for her to acquire that ability to step back from her own experiences and see things from other lenses.

I think a child's community and school plays a very important role here. I grew up in a very cookie cutter community. It was not ever good to be different.

As an adult, I worked in a school that really seemed to attract every "weird" kid out there. They were all different in their own ways. The school did a great job nurturing everyone's unique personality. So, truly, no one got picked on in this school for being an oddball. (And pretty much most of the kids did very well in college, found their own niches and had few adjustment problems. In fact, I was always surprised at how smoothly the high school to college transition had seemed to go for these kids.)

Fortunately my weirdo children will be able to attend this school someday!

PM sent.

Thanks for those book suggestions, Indigo, they sound quite helpful. I'll add them to my ever-expanding DC library.

Dude, you are right about the perfectionism and anxiety. DS & I are about to embark on a joint project with What to do When Good Enough isn't Good Enough (perfectionism runs in the family). Which factors in to my concern about having him think he's dreadfully flawed if I add social perceptions to our agenda.

DS is struggling with EF in the classroom and I don't think we'll make much progress there until he acquires greater insight into how his behaviour is perceived by others. Upon reflection that's a much more compelling reason to work on his self awareness than general social interactions - he's part of a happily weird family, so we're probably reinforcing his oddballness! I shall try more social situations conversations and see how he reacts. Thanks for the suggestion.