Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school "But I just don't want to do anything"

Hi, I'm looking for some helpful advice. DS3 (almost 4) is clearly in a testing phase right now. He has started getting argumentative, not wanting to do things that are asked of him, not listening to instructions and whining up a storm. He has apparently been begrudging of any kind of work at school (it's a montessori, so there isn't a whole lot of 'curriculum', but they do all have to do a bit of writing etc, albeit not much). At home, he is giving us a lot of "I just don't want to do anything." ?? Or, if he wants to do something he's not allowed to do, while we used to be able to give him other choices, and he would pick from them, now it's simply become, 'NO! I want what I want and I don't want anything else!' (did I mention he is quite stubborn?)

I'm hoping the phase will pass, and until then, have decided not to push anything on him that isn't everyday rules and discipline (he still needs to clean up his toys and eat his dinner etc etc) I don't want him to feel put upon, but I also don't want him to think it's ok not to listen or not follow the rules that we have set for him. I'm a little frustrated that he doesn't want to do any enrichment stuff that he was so excited about a few weeks ago...I'm not sure where the flip came over, but again, I'm just not going to push anything like that for a little bit - and TRY and get outside more, now that it's not a blizzard every day.

Also, we are at the point where when we ask him a question that we know he knows the answer to, or something that ONLY he knows (aka. 'what do YOU think about this particular thing?' or 'What did you do in school today?') and he just doesn't want to answer, or says "I just don't know the answer" (which is clearly untrue). We have tried to explain that sometimes, even if a question is silly or too easy, OR that he really DOESN'T want to answer, that sometimes he has to try and answer anyway - keeping in mind we don't do a lot of this kind of asking.

In short, we are getting a bit frustrated. We don't know if we should be looking more into what's going on at his school, seeing if there are some problems arising from there that we are unaware of, (he only goes 3 days a week, 9am-3pm) or if this is just assertion of individuality that has taken a bit of a left turn. Any sage words of advice would be great. Thanks.

My DS was the same way at that age. And I'm sorry to say that in first grade he can still be like that but it's a lot better. At age 3-4 I had him enrolled in a preschool class where parent involvement was required. So 1 day per week parents had to accompany the child and participate in learning activities with them. DS wanted none of that and would actually run out of the room with me trying to chase him. I think he felt very threatened by questions and became passive-aggressive. Not just with me, but with others as well. He wasn't cooperative with his speech therapist either and would giggle in response to questions, make animal noises, etc. At one point she just wanted to give up but we decided that rather than one-on-one he should go in a speech "class". For DS, the peer pressure did the trick. Other kids were compliant, and so DS was too. Even to this day, he does much better in school in a group than anything one on one (with me OR with therapists, professionals, etc). But even in the group, he still didn't want to be "called on" or put on the spot and will say "I don't know" or act like he doesn't care. But he has gotten much better over time, esp. in the last year.
Don't know if any of that applies to your situation, but thought I'd put it out there. I think some of it has to do with not wanting to do things wrong or get things wrong, so the child decides not to try at all or cooperate at all.

Marnie, he sounds very much like a three year old to me I kept hearing all about the "terrible twos" and thinking with my first child, wow, we lucked out, he's been so happy and carefree all through the twos - and then three hit and wow! Not so much fun

I would go ahead and ask his preschool teachers what they've noticed at school, but I wouldn't overly worry about anything unless they bring something up that's a concern. Chances are this is just a phase (although it might be a long phase!).

Re asking him questions and getting the "I don't know" reply etc - I'd just let go when that happens for awhile, and instead talk to him when he's open to talking. My kids have never liked me asking "what did you do in school today" type questions. I just recently learned (at 14 lol!) that part of the reason my ds has never liked answering that question is that when he's done with his day at school and we're driving home (which is when I ask) he has literally cleared his brain of any thought of school for just the time being and he's thinking about other things, so when I asked him what he did, he actually doesn't remember. It's not that he's got a memory challenge at all and it's not that he dislikes school (he actually loves his school) - it's just what's up in his head at the end of the school day. And each of my kids is basically the same about this - including my youngest who practices on a gymnastics team and also hates me asking about what she did today at the gym when I pick her up - again, she literally, in the moment, can't remember. I can, however, go back and ask them after they've been home awhile and had a snack and we have much better conversations at that point in time

Best wishes,

polarbear

My 4 yr old has been doing this for a long while (the "I only want to do what I want" bit, and endless whining). It's tedious. She also goes to a Montessori (5x half days) and complains about the work, it being boring, etc etc even though she has zero negative feedback from her classroom staff. I have also observed several times; she's quite well occupied and has not been held back from more in any way. I think it is more about testing ME and my resolve than anything else.

It is not fun at all and I try not to lose my cool, or overly vary in my responses, reminding her often of her tone and attitude but many days I feel like I am a broken record nag-o-gram. But then she'll have a clear day, smooth sailing, with limited whining and wheedling. I just hope these days will become more frequent...

My daughter started the terrible threes with a shocking and sudden change in personality. She has never been a big fit thrower, always very well behaved, good natured kid. It was like some sort of crazy regression. She will flat out say no and refuse to do things as well. I cannot wait for it to pass.

DD has always been an intense and strong-willed child so I've gotten used to non-compliancy at home although she is slowly maturing and she is less defiant or rather, she has gotten more charming about being defiant so things have improved at home. Her behaviors in her ballet class, however, has definitely regressed as she has mentally checked out.

Do you know how your DS is feeling about his school? Has he clicked with his teacher and classmates? From what I understand, most Montessori schools do not like parents in the classroom but maybe it'd be worthwhile to observe discreetly one morning to see how he is doing.

This phase might last longer than you'd want it to but it too shall pass. At least, it's a good practice run for adolescence. I for one am hoping that DD wouldn't need to rebel during her teen years because she has gotten it out of her system during the last 3 years.

Just here for support.
He sounds just like my DD (4.2). She is also in montessori FWIW.

I'm pulling my hair out with her. She literally says she just wants to play (this is OK of course) but then won't go do it!!! She won't even play. She wants me to play WITH her CONSTANTLY. Or she wants her 20month old sister to play with her but she is so bossy and hyper that my 20mo is just trying to get away from her half of the time. ugh. Crossing my fingers its just the age but she has been so so high intensity from the moment she was born, I'm not convinced it's a phase. DD(20 months) is way calmer and enjoyable right now. I love love love DD(4) but she can be so draining!!!

Thanks so much for the feedback/support. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this crazy phase. I don't know if it's the age or Mercury in retrograde or what, lol, but I think the best course of action is trying not to push DS into pushing back, unless it's really necessary, so that we don't find ourselves constantly in a contest of wills over silly stuff. Pick your battles, right?

I have accepted that DD's intensity is a permanent character trait but I'm still hoping that her oppositional defiance towards me will mellow out. Otherwise, we would be facing a very difficult future together.


That was the advice my friend gave me when I emailed her after DD's first huge tantrum around 12 months. She literally turned lobster red head to toe. My DD isn't an explosive child but I still take elements from Dr Ross Greene's approach to increase DD's frustration tolerance and collaborative problem solving skills. On bad days, I chant to myself, "Not a red basket issue. Let it go. Let it go."

DS now 5 all last year and all this year would tell me he didn't know what he did at school all day. I couldn't get anything out of him unless I knew from his teacher what had happened and then would ask him and he would confirm it. Just recently I've found a trick that works with him to get him to tell me about his day. When I pick him up after he's settled in I excitedly tell him in detail about everything I did while he was away at school. Then I ask him what he did and he tells me! Now once he's in the car he's to the point that he asks me what I did while he was gone and I tell him and then he shares his day with me. I hope you find a way to get him to talk. Just hang in there and keep trying.