Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Younger Child passing by older

I'd love to hear stories and experiences of anyone who has experienced a younger child being at a higher LOG than an older sibling...

background: Nathan is now 5, reads faster than big brother Aiden, computes maths and logic faster, spells better, has longer stronger focus, has more steady internal goal-reaching mechanisms.
Aiden (7) is still impressive in everything he does; I'd say still HG+ and way out there off the curve. He is totally focused when he wants to be and sees the benefit in it.

Right now it's only because he has been doing things for longer that he is "ahead" of Nathan. The gap is closing. Sometimes I see that Aiden must realise this as he calls on Nathan for help in co-operative computer games that requires speed of certain things. Other times he gets angry and mean and manipulative when faced with this. Aiden also has auditory processing issues and anxiety issues that we are still dealing with.

I see that some of the differences are obviously personality, traits, character etc (and these are easy to teach about and cope with).

So now to open the discussion from YOUR pov:

How did it affect their relationship when it became apparent?
How did it affect both children's behaviour in general and towards each other?
What did you do to foster mutual acceptance and kindness?

Anything else you can think of to chat about here. I'd appreciate any and all anecdotes, ideas, suggestions and so forth.

I'm in a similar situation with my DD10 and DS6. While my DD is gifted, my DS is way out there and quickly catching up with big sister academically. There are times when she handles it well, and it is great to hear them discussing books together that they have both read or exploring a science question. However, she can also be very competitive with him, and I can tell that it bothers her that he knows the things he does/is able to do the things he can. She will try to put him down and in his place because I suspect to make herself feel better.

She knows that he is advanced for a first grader, and she seems to be okay with that. I think she just doesn't like to be challenged by her younger brother. How do I help her feel confident about herself? She is a wonderful, gifted girl herself, but I see her self-esteem taking a hit and her doubting her abilities.

We struggle with this too. Our eldest is MG and significantly 2E, our middle child is 4.4 yrs younger but HG+ and only mildly 2E. The only reason #2 hasn't already blown past her older sister in many regards is that she's not very academically motivated. With reading she has the skill but not the interest to read the same books as her sister (just not interested in The Hunger Games at 7yrs old for example), but their reading aloud has been equal for about a year. She's certainly hot on her sister's heels in many regards. She's starting to regularly try to play her older sisters piano pieces, despite the eldest having had 4yrs more lessons, and her biggest obstacle is hand size/strength.

This is also a bit of an issue here, specifically around chess. If they play 10 games, DS5 will probably win 7 and DD10 will win 3. Or maybe it's 6 and 4, but I don't think so. DD is NOT bad at chess, but DS is unusually good. DD definitely does not love this situation. However, she is sort of okay with it...as long as he does not beat her at other games a lot. Which he has a tendency to also do, if they are strategic.

They also occasionally read some of the same books now, though this is because DS is reading "up" (and probably somewhat past his comprehension) and DD is reading "down" (because something is high-interest). But it's a little weird and she recognizes this.

DD is proud of her brother and often comments (too often, actually) on how he is not a "normal" kindergartener and "regular" kindergarteners can't do what he does. But they have a terrible sib rivalry situation as well and I am pretty sure insecurity about his abilities is part of it. He is also a sunnier and better behaved personality. This does not help. We definitely struggle with this here.

I do look for situations where DD can offer "big sister" guidance or instruction to DS. This does not always works (she tried to teach him how to use the Rainbow Loom recently--fail), but it will if the task is appropriate and they are both in the right mood. If it goes well, I think it makes her feel good.

We try to recognize expertise wherever it is. You want to know about some topics (animal behavior...), littler sibling here is the one to ask. You want to know about particle physics, older sibling. Other topics, parents. We make sure to keep in the mix the idea that everyone has only part of the picture, because the world is big.

We are in the same boat. My DD9 is DYS and DD12 is MG.

There was a time that my DD 12 struggle with the idea that her younger sister is smarter than her and know more than her. I spent a lot of time with my older DD and made sure that we love them both the same. We tried to slow my younger DD down (just let the public school handle it :-) for a while).

We are still trying to make sure that both DD gets equal amount of time from us. My older DD is at peace with it now. Both being girls have its own challenges as boy and girl. But they are each other's best friend (especially playing minecraft- younger DD will help her big sister with new stuffs).

Just like ultramaria, whenever we see big sister has something that she is better at it, we make sure to complement her on it and encourage her to teach her little sister.

Brilliant and true response. Love this, DeeDee.

One problem this contributes to in our house is one that parents often have: DD forgets how young DS is and expects him to have more emotional and psychological maturity than he does, so she's annoyed and bewildered when he acts his age. She treats him like a peer of her own age too often, and expects him to be able to handle a lot. When she is around other children in K, in contrast, she takes on a "big kid helping younger kid" persona and is patient and vaguely but unintentionally a little condescending, in that way that older kids can be. She almost never does this with DS, except when helping him with something where he is waaaay behind her, such as drawing or writing. When I do see this dynamic (which DS does not mind!) it makes me a little wistful. I feel like in some ways, they are missing out on a more typical relationship for children with their age gap (4 years).

Unfortunately some teachers' interactions with gifted children may be similar to this, as contrasted with interactions of a coaching/mentoring nature with which they may engage other students in the classroom.

We have a similar issue with 10 yo dd and 8 yo dd. Dd#1 has learning differences and dd#2 is HG and has a killer working memory. Dd#1 often gets frustrated with it but I just try to keep emphasizing that they both have their own set of strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately for dd#1 her strengths are not strengths that are highlighted in an everyday elementary classroom with traditional instruction and minds.

Definitely an issue in this house too. Our boys are 19 months apart and while the older DS5.5 is now learning to read cat / hat / fat, the younger one has been reading words like that since just after turning 2 and is now at close to 4 years old interested in reading childrens books titled "Quotations from Shakespeare" and alike. The younger one picks up everything instantly but because of being very 2E you don't know what he knows unless you spend every day with him. The older one is only slightly 2E. The older one rocks when it comes to math but the younger one could learn what the older one knows in a matter of couple days if he had interest in it. They are still too young to realize they learn with different speeds but I'm sure eventually it will come up.

FWIW, I haven't had time this morning to read any of the replies, and I apologize for that! I just wanted to throw a brief thought out there.

We don't have the same exact issue at our house because our obviously way-out-there kid is also the oldest sibling. OTOH, we do have some very large ability and achievement differences among my kids. Plus ds is one of those kids that the other kids at school seem to always label as "the brain" etc. So ds sticks out. He qualifies for programs that his sibs don't necessarily qualify for because of his IQ and achievements.

It's also rarely been an issue - every now and then something will be said but nowhere near as often as other things come up in terms of fairness, sibling squabbles etc. It's just a part of who he is, same as our youngest is so far beyond the rest of us in athletic ability. Maybe it's helped that our EG ds is also 2e so he's had his share of struggles, our youngest is also 2e and has her share of challenges, and the non-exceptional kiddo caught in between has had medical challenges - maybe that's made it easier for each of them to see that we all, as human beings, bring different talents and strengths to the table and that we all have our challenges. I'd like to think that another part of it is that my dh and I have tried our best to pass on our values in the way we live, which include believing that everyone is special and we are all in this together. Being smart is cool, but it's not the only thing in life

polarbear

From my personal experience being on the younger end of this: praise effort and use double-standards. Bad enough that school can be too easy without parents over-concerned about "fairness" setting the performance bar even lower based on an older sibling.

And watch out for emotional bullying (teasing, deprecation.)

It surprised me how many on this forum have younger children higher on the scale than their older children. How many studies have been done that show the eldest to typically also be the smartest (for whatever reasons). Interesting...

For us DD9 is HG and DD8 is EG/PG - depending on the chart you use. DD8 was a total shock for us because we were just hoping she would score well enough to qualify for the gifted program at school. After all the reading and research I did after DD9 was tested, I still didn't have a clue with DD8. I just kept thinking and saying, "but she is so social".

I believe DD9 may actually be higher than her tests results say because she just goes with the flow and doesn't get too worked up about answering the questions correctly. She is also our child that will give a wrong answer just to see if you catch her doing it. DD8 on the other hand will really think things through before answering and is more deliberate. She is the pleaser and wants to be right. However, I also still have a gut feeling that DD8 has something else going on that we just haven't figured out yet - possibly mild dysgraphia.

DD8, by IQ and desire to do well, could end up passing DD9 up at some point. We are not there yet, and I'm not really sure how DD9 would take that. I've often said DD9 is very apathetic, so if she sees her little sister breathing down her neck maybe that would snap her out of it. I could just as easily see it going the other way and taking DD9 down even further.

We try to keep things pretty level with both girls, but I think a little healthy competition can be good. They have some similar activities and things they both like to do, but we also try to give them other activities they can do without the other being involved. This gives them each somewhere they can shine without feeling like they are competing with their sister. They are 2 grades apart, so once they reach high school they will be on teams and in groups together for a couple years. DD9 seems to be the more athletic of the two, but again DD8 is more determined.

DD9 already has a GIEP and DD8 will have one by next school year (3rd grade). I'm excited for them to both be in the gifted program at school and I hope their class schedules work out so they get a chance to work on things together. I think the gifted teacher will be a good resource for us then by being able to see where one might be stronger in a certain area than the other, etc.

They really get along very well. Once they become interested in boys and both are eyeing the same little stud...now that might be a totally different situation all together. LOL!

thank you everyone for sharing your stories, ideas, anecdotes and suggestions!

I appreciate it and am also quite stunned by how many families are/have experienced this.