Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "I don't like who I am"

I set up a play date after speaking to a mom of a boy who "sounds" similar to mine- not rough and tough, loves to read and discuss/ reenact books.

So, I say to ds, "when the boy comes, just be yourself. You're a really cool person."

He says, "I don't like who I am".

Tried to get further explanation, with no success.

Makes me sad:(

Thoughts??
(Sorry I'm posting so much. It seems to come in waves.)

My DD9 often expresses the same thing. She's a perfectionist who often pays too much attention to the negative in everything, and that means she turns it on herself as well. I can ask her to name one thing she likes about herself, and she won't answer. It's really sad, because she has so much going for her, and yet I can see at times where her lack of self-assurance becomes self-defeating.

Other times she's entirely self-confident, so it seems to be a mood thing.

Lately we've been working on her paying more attention to the good in other people, and we've seen a change in her behavior through that. Hopefully she can turn that change towards her introspection as well.

If a young kid says he doesn't like himself, he just may need to hear a quick, sincere, supportive, warm, heartfelt, and healing rebuttal that the listener likes him VERY much. <3 Possibly followed by a few wonderful things about kiddo, including any gifted quirks like unique perceptions, observations which may seem beyond his years, sense of humor, etc. You may wish to make lists of positive attributes of your kiddo be ready to spout a few at a moment's notice, to redirect his thinking when that may seem the best appropriate response.

Helping kids see that there is good and bad in everything may help them accept their own weaknesses rather than dwell on them.

Learning what things they can change with effort may help as well. Changing something does not mean they were unacceptable or unlovable, it just means that they've determined that something was not serving them well or helping their day to day experiences of life. For example, a kid may not be able to control their height, but they may be able to improve ball handling skills or find another sport or interest which utilizes a strength they may have. Any changes do not need to be made from a deficit perspective, as a perspective of self-love combined with curiosity about developing any chosen skill may serve better to maintain optimism and resilience.

Sometimes a child's comment about liking one's self may be reflective of perceiving whether they receive a healthy level of affirmation, which can be a rare commodity for gifted kids who may be more attuned to older folk than the chronological peers they may spend time with day after day in the classroom.

The book, A Gifted Kid's Survival Guide can help kids realize they are not alone... while kids with very high intelligence profiles may be rare, there are others like them... out there... somewhere.

Another kid's book which is great fun for discussing/developing a general acceptance/awareness of the rich diversity of humanity (including one's self) has been around since 1980 or so: People

Over the years, well-known psychologists specializing in gifted kids have written many great books for parents. Available through Great Potential Press, Prufrock Press, and free spirit publishing, many deal with social/emotional and interpersonal issues. Of importance may be that gifted kids may reach a metacognitive awareness sooner than neurotypical kids.

Magination Press, imprint of American Psychological Association (APA), also offers children's books which may be of interest.

Wishing you all the best with this. Hope the play-date goes well!

Well, without knowing his actual situation, I would hazard to guess that he might not be getting the affirmation that he needs among his peers at school and at other activities. You are already helping him in trying to find peers who are kindred spirits. Unfortunately, at a young age, children are already internalizing others' perceptions. On the other hand, perhaps he is just hypercritical of himself and the best thing you can do is not to over-react but casually point out a few of the genuinely cool things about him.

One thing that helps DS11 when he's in one of those funks is a saying I picked up somewhere (Facebook?) -- "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken."

It makes him laugh, and then he starts to actually think about how he can't be anyone else, and it opens the door. He still doesn't like who he is sometimes, and wants to be "normal", but I think he may be starting to grow into himself. I hope.

We've also had the discussion about how normal is just the average of all the abnormals, and there really isn't a "normal" person. And the one about how everybody is weird is popular with both of my kids.

Yes-- and getting them outside of their own heads a bit can help, as well. Being in an echo chamber full time isn't a good space for some people.

I try not to make too much of this kind of angst-ridden statement from my DD. (Inside, I'm thinking; What? Are you Holden Caulfield or something?? Sheesh! But outwardly I try to be more patient with it.)

Journaling can be good for children who have feelings that are private but need to get "out." On the other hand, for already-introspective kids, too much navel-gazing can go bad places. My DD seems to be one of those-- though she does make statements like this occasionally when her mood is all wrong and everything about the world (and her in it) feels awkward and mismatched.

HK- I didn't think about it until you said it, but journaling would be a nightmare for ds. Then he would read, reread, reread...

As a side note, during the play date, the kids never played together. The boy who came were interested in my younger ds's toys. My older son wouldn't play with him with those, cuz they're his little brothers. My ds did invite the play date to play with him, but the new toys were what he wanted. It's ok. Atleast is wasn't horrible.