Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Feeling uncomfortable at school

My 8 year old is finally in a school environment where they are trying to let her work at her own pace. They have an individualized curriculum and allow me to send materials to substitute for work she knows how to do.

With kids working at their own pace, though, differences can be more apparent. The kids have started calling her "the smart kid" and she is starting to become very uncomfortable. She can't reach the AR books at her reading level (they are up high and above her reach even with the tallest ladder). She has asked me to come after school to help her get her books because she doesn't want anyone to see her getting books from the top shelves during school hours.

Obviously, we're working on reassuring her that she should be comfortable with who she is. However, I'm worried it is only going to get harder as she gets older.

Does anyone have suggestions for good suggestions for how she can respond to comments from the other kids? She says she doesn't think they realize it upsets her, so I think it might help a good deal if she could have a good response when kids make comments like that. If that isn't enough, we will have to talk with the her teacher and escalate from there.

Has anyone else had this sort of problem, where blending in becomes very difficult?

you may have to just work on responses to such remarks. Either the kids don't mean anything by it or they are purposely looking for a response (some of each probably). If she is upset it will encourage those who are looking for a response. Remind her that "smart kid" is neither untrue or offensive and she can no more not be smart than change the colour of her skin.

This may not work in every case, but when differences become obvious, many families have explored the possibility of acceleration. Iowa Acceleration Scale (IAS) can help with this, and is reviewed on the Davidson database here

Yes, I'm hoping to come up with some suggestions for ways she can respond to them. I think it will help if she responds (either they will stop or it would more clearly become bullying).

Thank you for the suggestion, Indigo. We did use the IAS when she was in kindergarten and she was accelerated a grade. They don't want to accelerate her another grade, though, and she is hesitant because she wants to get to enjoy being a child and feels she is having to grow up faster (that's how she puts it). I don't think that is necessarily the case, but she is hesitant. She was accelerated from kindergarten to first and is now in a combined 4th/5th classroom. She is technically in 4th, but doing higher grade work and says (I don't know if it is true or just her impression) that she is working ahead of all of the others by a large margin.

DS says "either ignore, or if that isn't possible, treat it as a compliment". I'd suggest either you or she ask school to get a taller ladder or move the books - that's silly that she can't reach the ones she needs.

Can she tell if the other kids mean well, or is it teasing? It's possible that the other kids truly mean it. In that case, I'd say a smile or a "thank-you" might just do. And your daughter can also compliment others when they do well in something. I personally think it's actually a good habit to compliment people when they do well just because.

If it's teasing, perhaps talking with the teacher would be a place to start? Assuming that the teacher knows something about teaching kids to be accepting.

Agree.

I agree. On the other hand, anything which is said as a distinction, pointing out a difference, or creating a divide between ones' self an others can be painful. In general, people want to find things in common with others, they want to have a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Unfortunately, kids can and do "stop being smart" by underachieving to blend in. It comes with a host of social-emotional problems. While the high IQ may remain, if not channeled into positive achievement and accomplishment, without guidance that vast mental energy may turn negative.

apm221, your child sounds as though she may be DYS level? With middle school just a few years away, just for fun, you may want to begin researching what may be available locally as far as university partnerships with your local middle school or high school.

ColinsMum, great idea, the books need to be accessible.

aprm221, does your dd feel comfortable talking to her teacher or would she feel comfortable if this was brought up for discussion with the full class? All kids are different (personality) so this might not work for your dd, but fwiw, my youngest dd (4th grade) had an issue at school this fall where people were making fun of her nickname that we use at home. The kids weren't doing it with horribly mean intentions, and they didn't realize how much it was bothering her. When she asked me what to do my first suggestion was to ignore (she'd already tried that), my second suggestion was that she could talk to her teacher about it - but she'd already done that (she's a take-the-bull-by-the-horns type of personality, even at 9). Sooo... I told her I'd think about it for a day and try to figure out how to best deal with it. Meanwhile, the next morning at school when the class gathered for their every-morning circle time, the teacher asked if anyone had anything they wanted to talk about (totally coincidental, but apparently there was another issue going on in the classroom that the teacher was trying to ferret out).. and dd right away rose her hand and told everyone what had been happening with the teasing about her nickname and how it bothered her and how she wanted it to stop. And... it stopped! The teacher did right away step in and support what dd was saying and give wise sagely teacher-advise and warnings to everyone. But the cool thing was, dd stood up for herself and her teacher feels *thats* what made the big difference more so than if the teacher had tried to continue to get the kids to stop doing it.

Anyway, that's just one possible way to approach how to deal with it. There's no way on earth my other two kids would have felt comfortable speaking up about things in the same situation.

In this case, I would *for sure* request that the books your dd needs access to are somewhere where she can freely pick them herself, if that's what all the other kids are able to do with their leveled books. It sounds silly just reading this thinking that the books are stored away so high - I realize that classrooms are tight on space, but really, having 4-5 at a minimum books down where dd can reach them can't possibly take up that much space.

Re the other kids saying she's smart - this has happened from early on with my EG ds. I really don't think it's ever been used purposely to bug him, instead it's just that, he's obviously very smart. He's been through phases where it bugged him, but he's also come out the other side owning who he is in a very positive way as he's moved through the early teen years... so I wouldn't necessarily worry about this being something that develops into a *worse* issue later on - lots of kids, whether they are super-smart or different in a different way, feel weird and out-of-place if they feel like they are different starting around 4th grade and going on through middle school. The thing to do is to just keep giving them lots of positive reinforcement, helping them to see what's good about who they are, and helping them see that everyone has *something* that is different.

Best wishes,

polarbear