Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Feeling uncomfortable at school

My 8 year old is finally in a school environment where they are trying to let her work at her own pace. They have an individualized curriculum and allow me to send materials to substitute for work she knows how to do.

With kids working at their own pace, though, differences can be more apparent. The kids have started calling her "the smart kid" and she is starting to become very uncomfortable. She can't reach the AR books at her reading level (they are up high and above her reach even with the tallest ladder). She has asked me to come after school to help her get her books because she doesn't want anyone to see her getting books from the top shelves during school hours.

Obviously, we're working on reassuring her that she should be comfortable with who she is. However, I'm worried it is only going to get harder as she gets older.

Does anyone have suggestions for good suggestions for how she can respond to comments from the other kids? She says she doesn't think they realize it upsets her, so I think it might help a good deal if she could have a good response when kids make comments like that. If that isn't enough, we will have to talk with the her teacher and escalate from there.

Has anyone else had this sort of problem, where blending in becomes very difficult?

you may have to just work on responses to such remarks. Either the kids don't mean anything by it or they are purposely looking for a response (some of each probably). If she is upset it will encourage those who are looking for a response. Remind her that "smart kid" is neither untrue or offensive and she can no more not be smart than change the colour of her skin.

This may not work in every case, but when differences become obvious, many families have explored the possibility of acceleration. Iowa Acceleration Scale (IAS) can help with this, and is reviewed on the Davidson database here

Yes, I'm hoping to come up with some suggestions for ways she can respond to them. I think it will help if she responds (either they will stop or it would more clearly become bullying).

Thank you for the suggestion, Indigo. We did use the IAS when she was in kindergarten and she was accelerated a grade. They don't want to accelerate her another grade, though, and she is hesitant because she wants to get to enjoy being a child and feels she is having to grow up faster (that's how she puts it). I don't think that is necessarily the case, but she is hesitant. She was accelerated from kindergarten to first and is now in a combined 4th/5th classroom. She is technically in 4th, but doing higher grade work and says (I don't know if it is true or just her impression) that she is working ahead of all of the others by a large margin.

DS says "either ignore, or if that isn't possible, treat it as a compliment". I'd suggest either you or she ask school to get a taller ladder or move the books - that's silly that she can't reach the ones she needs.

Can she tell if the other kids mean well, or is it teasing? It's possible that the other kids truly mean it. In that case, I'd say a smile or a "thank-you" might just do. And your daughter can also compliment others when they do well in something. I personally think it's actually a good habit to compliment people when they do well just because.

If it's teasing, perhaps talking with the teacher would be a place to start? Assuming that the teacher knows something about teaching kids to be accepting.

Agree.

I agree. On the other hand, anything which is said as a distinction, pointing out a difference, or creating a divide between ones' self an others can be painful. In general, people want to find things in common with others, they want to have a sense of belonging and acceptance.

Unfortunately, kids can and do "stop being smart" by underachieving to blend in. It comes with a host of social-emotional problems. While the high IQ may remain, if not channeled into positive achievement and accomplishment, without guidance that vast mental energy may turn negative.

apm221, your child sounds as though she may be DYS level? With middle school just a few years away, just for fun, you may want to begin researching what may be available locally as far as university partnerships with your local middle school or high school.

ColinsMum, great idea, the books need to be accessible.

aprm221, does your dd feel comfortable talking to her teacher or would she feel comfortable if this was brought up for discussion with the full class? All kids are different (personality) so this might not work for your dd, but fwiw, my youngest dd (4th grade) had an issue at school this fall where people were making fun of her nickname that we use at home. The kids weren't doing it with horribly mean intentions, and they didn't realize how much it was bothering her. When she asked me what to do my first suggestion was to ignore (she'd already tried that), my second suggestion was that she could talk to her teacher about it - but she'd already done that (she's a take-the-bull-by-the-horns type of personality, even at 9). Sooo... I told her I'd think about it for a day and try to figure out how to best deal with it. Meanwhile, the next morning at school when the class gathered for their every-morning circle time, the teacher asked if anyone had anything they wanted to talk about (totally coincidental, but apparently there was another issue going on in the classroom that the teacher was trying to ferret out).. and dd right away rose her hand and told everyone what had been happening with the teasing about her nickname and how it bothered her and how she wanted it to stop. And... it stopped! The teacher did right away step in and support what dd was saying and give wise sagely teacher-advise and warnings to everyone. But the cool thing was, dd stood up for herself and her teacher feels *thats* what made the big difference more so than if the teacher had tried to continue to get the kids to stop doing it.

Anyway, that's just one possible way to approach how to deal with it. There's no way on earth my other two kids would have felt comfortable speaking up about things in the same situation.

In this case, I would *for sure* request that the books your dd needs access to are somewhere where she can freely pick them herself, if that's what all the other kids are able to do with their leveled books. It sounds silly just reading this thinking that the books are stored away so high - I realize that classrooms are tight on space, but really, having 4-5 at a minimum books down where dd can reach them can't possibly take up that much space.

Re the other kids saying she's smart - this has happened from early on with my EG ds. I really don't think it's ever been used purposely to bug him, instead it's just that, he's obviously very smart. He's been through phases where it bugged him, but he's also come out the other side owning who he is in a very positive way as he's moved through the early teen years... so I wouldn't necessarily worry about this being something that develops into a *worse* issue later on - lots of kids, whether they are super-smart or different in a different way, feel weird and out-of-place if they feel like they are different starting around 4th grade and going on through middle school. The thing to do is to just keep giving them lots of positive reinforcement, helping them to see what's good about who they are, and helping them see that everyone has *something* that is different.

Best wishes,

polarbear

First, thank you very much to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I appreciate it very much! I feel like most people don't want to hear about this sort of problem.

She's a DYS, so we do have that resource. We often feel like we'll have no choice but to homeschool at some point, but she wants to be with other kids and doesn't like the idea of being at home (I know there are many options for homeschooled children to socialize, but it wouldn't be as much as at school).

She doesn't feel like the other kids want to make her feel upset, but maybe it would help to give an example. Sometimes the kids work in groups to do projects. She says her group usually works out the problem first (again, this is her report and I don't know if it's true). Then the other group will say, "No fair! You had the smart kid!." It's not clear to me whether it's good natured teasing or if they really do feel it's unfair.

The positive side of it is that she isn't hiding her abilities right now; she wants to be the first to figure out whatever the problem is regardless of whether she gets teased. I have just heard that middle school is often when kids "go underground" and it concerns me that she doesn't want others to see her getting difficult books.

She says she is willing to say something to the other kids. I think she would probably rather do that than have the teacher say something. However, she isn't sure what to say. It may be as simple as saying, "Please don't call me that" or "We all worked together to finish this project." I think one complicating factor is that she LIKES to be the one responsible for solving it first. So she may feel conflicted about wanting to share the credit versus wanting to be complimented, even though being singled out makes her feel uncomfortable.

She feels lonely being different.

Hmmm... honestly I think in the situation you've described, it would help to have the teacher talk about one thing. My first reaction to the "No fair, that group had the smart kid!" is two-fold from the teacher. First, I'm guessing the groups are changed out each time a project takes place. If the teacher is picking the groups rather than letting the kids choose then your dd is going to be "shared" among all the kids so it's not like one group is getting her every time. More importantly, I think this is an ideal opportunity for the teacher to talk about (and for your dd as well as the other students to think about) the fact that we *all* bring talents and "smarts" to the group when we work together, no matter what our IQ is. Just because one kid is super-quick or an amazing problem-solver doesn't negate the fact that another child may have an amazing solution of their own to offer up or that another child might bring a talent to the group such as writing or drawing or whatever.

It doesn't have to be a big talk or anything like that from the teacher, just a gentle reminder to the class if/when she hears someone say that.

I like the response "we all worked together to finish this project" as a response from your dd - I think it's perfect for her and all that really needs to be said (from her).

Best wishes,

polarbear

I can't believe I didn't say that as well. Congratulations to your DD, PolarBear, for handling that situation so well!

Portia, she does taekwondo and it has been wonderful because it's hard for her and she has to work to keep up. I agree with you completely that that sort of thing can be a huge help for keeping things in perspective!

PolarBear, I like that approach. I will suggest that to her teacher. I don't know if they choose groups; I know they get assigned partners sometimes and the same thing happens. I have had many talks with her about how she is fortunate to be good at some things, but needs to always keep in perspective that those things may be harder for someone else and that others may be very good at a whole range of things (athletics, social skills, public speaking, being a good friend).

I will definitely talk with her teacher about that.

PolarBear and Portia, what great posts! Such wisdom & simplicity. Definitely win-win solutions for everyone involved.

It is possible for kids to pretend not to be smart and underachieve and seem to blend in. But mostly they still don't feel like they fit in and they are still smart. They do the equivalent of painting their face white etc. It doesn't really fool anyone who knows them well and doesn't make anyone happier in the long run. I had a friend who responded to personal comments in kind - if someone said "do you think it is time to get your hair cut" and he would tell them they needed to go on a diet. I wouldn't recommend that though. Remind her too that a lot of very tall people get thoroughly sick of it being commented on.

Yes darling you are different but later you may be glad of it. The funny thing is I'm not entirely sure ds6 has noticed. He knows he is better at maths than the rest of the class and one of the best readers. I deliberately didn't help him with spelling but he still was in the top group at the end of the year. He will probably notice more this year I think.

I think the big thing to remember when you are the "smart kid" in a group is to not accidentally refer to the other members of the group as "my minions." Bringing up other members positive contributions is a good tool, "well I may have found the solution, but if Sally hadn't sharpened my pencil it would've taken longer."

I couldn't agree more... she is the smart kid! Sounds like a very smart kid :-)

I would work with her on being comfortable with who she is and with the fact that for now she is different from her classmates (maybe new classmates are in order?). In addition, I would remind her about the other things she is... you fill in the blank (funny, kind, helpful, athlete, animal lover, chef, etc.).

Are you lucky enough to be at a school where it is cool to be smart?

Thanks again for the feedback... Her school really is very supportive (it is an independent charter and they specifically provide individualized educational plans to all of the kids). Working individually brings out differences.

She actually doesn't feel self-confident, though. I think it's perfectionism. She constantly feels other people are better at things than she is. It's sometimes true (e,g., she has a friend who is much better at video games than she is and almost everyone she knows is better at athletics), but it's also that she can't live up to her own standards. She does really work with the other kids on projects and enjoys it; it would be completely true if she emphasized that everyone worked together when kids comment on her group finishing first.

I have a son who is also bright (he is accelerated a grade for part of the day), but who isn't like DD. He has been happy at school from the start and it has just been so much easier than trying to make things work for DD. We had thought he might be 2e and always expected it to be harder with him. Instead, he loves school.

DD's recent report card came back with a comment about how she is a role model for the class. That's very nice, but it's also pressure.

I can't figure out how a teacher could do this, but the classroom climate could change....why does group b, c, and d know that group a finished first...there is no finish line...I would work from that end....group a shouldn't yell "done!" Group c shouldn't be looking over group a's shoulders to see if they are done and then shouting...look they are done!

I think that they encourage competition as a way of motivating the kids. I think it's a deliberate part of the exercise.

If having my daughter try some of the things already suggested doesn't solve the problem, then we may have to choose between asking them to let her work independently or asking them to make the projects less competitive. I think they consider it very important, though; part of their charter is project-based learning and they may not want to make changes for one child.