Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How do you talk to your DC about their Gtness?

Voila!

I fear to explain to DD the things that she is able to do and her age peers not... Will she underachieve even more in an attempt to fit in? She underachieves in areas where she knows what is expected for her age, but performs much better if she has not clue.

I have told her that the test results show that she is very intelligent and that she thinks more like an older kid, but I have not gone into much details.

She feels different from others and I think she still does not really know why...

How do I explain it to her?

Or maybe just leave it for the time being?

I waited until the questions came: "Why can't B. read?" "Don't they know how to add?" etc. Then I talked about how some people learn faster than others.

We have used the areas in which DS is not very gifted to demonstrate what it means. He is not gifted in sports or art, but has friends who are. He could tell he wasn't as good at those things as other kids. So I would just say things like,"See how easy it is for Amy to draw pictures, but you have more trouble. But reading is easy for you and harder for her. You have to work to learn to draw and she has to work to learn to read. You both have to learn how to work hard and also to be patient with others who are working to learn new skills. That's OK."

How do you know she feels different? Has she told you this, or are you seeing it in her behavior? What does she say about it? Are there any other explanations for what you're seeing/hearing? Is it possible you're attributing feelings that she doesn't have to what you're seeing/hearing?

I'm not saying she doesn't feel that she's different. I know your DD tends to try to fit in, and that may suggest that she recognizes her differences and is ashamed of them. But to avoid putting thoughts in her head that she might not yet have, I want to suggest that you might want to be sure that you're not projecting what you see onto her. You may see her as different, but she may not yet recognize her difference in the way that you're thinking she does, especially if she hasn't talked about it with you.

Have you celebrated her difference with her? She may be a kid who needs a little healthy bragging from you to feel good about her abilities. That would be social death for some kids who already think too highly of themselves, but if your DD is feeling out of place, then talking her up to herself might be what she needs to feel better about herself. I'd just be sure to praise effort, not just ability or outcome. Specific praise is also good, rather than universals.

But I could certainly be wrong...

This is an interesting topic - I have often wondered the same thing....my DS5 has begun to make comments about the fact that he shouldn't be playing a certain game because it is for ages 8-up or whatever it says on there....he is well past the traditional candyland 5 year old games and is into much older games and has started questioning whether or not he should be doing this....I have just tried to have simple conversations with him that they put those ages on the box just as a suggestion and that he can play any game that he is interested in despite what age is on the box.

DS has gotten at school that people have learning differences. I did ying and yang about letting him read that gifted book written for kids, I forget the title. I sat and read it with him. What he was particularly interested in was the comments throughout the book written by the kids. The entire time he had a big smile on his face and was nodding his head in agreement. He would interject at times, for ex: Yes, the teacher explains things over and over and over and over.

Other than that, I stress willingness to learn, hard work, and effort which that book also stressed.

We have used the comparison of differnt talents, each person has, each different. It can be difficult to explaine sometimes. Games with age peers has created some angst. Pokeman for 5 year olds is somewhat hard, or monopoly. He wants them to play, they want to play, but he has trouble teaching them the rules. It makes him seem bossy. I have stepped in to teach everyone, but have found myself playing for the other children. It goes with the territory I guess.

OH gosh darn Edwin, I have a friend w/ a DS w/ the exact same problem...no one to play Monopoly or Pokemon with. He just turned 6 and games are a big issue in their house w/ lack of peers.

The good thing is that I am now pretty good at pokeman.

I'm getting pretty good at Set and Blokus.

Oooh Cathy, my DS7 and I have been playing SET like crazy the last couple of days (we just got it). He's better at it than I am!!! LOL!!!! I haven't tried Blokus. It sounds like we need to get that too!

Blokus has very simple rules but tricky strategies. Have you played with Pentominoes? The Blokus pieces are pentominoes, quadrominoes, triominoes, dominoes, and monominoes. I think it would appeal to most mathy people.

I play Set online every day. Talk about addictive. (At least I'm fast at it, and there's only one batch available per day...)

Here are the links:

http://www.setgame.com/set/index.html

and there are 4 per day at this site:

http://www.nytimes.com/ref/crosswords/setpuzzle.html

Sorry to share this. It's really not nice of me!

I haven't played pentominoes but both DS7 and I are very mathy so I am sure we'd love it. Sounds great, thanks!

Have you ever played the Rush Hour games or any of the Think Fun games? We also really enjoy those.

Kriston, I play that online every day too! It is addictive and I think you're the one that mentioned it before. That led to my current addiction and ordering the actual card game! LOL!!! Share anything else like this that you have too!!!!

Yeah, I've played around with Rush Hour a little. We have River Crossing which is a good one. Kind of a cross between a maze and a logic game.

Blokus is a HUGE fav in our house! We also just got turned on to SET from this board I believe. Now that I think about it, where did I put those cards?

We also love Rush Hour Jr. and Train Rush Hour.

E&C: I think crisc shared the Set site, didn't she? (Say THAT 10 times fast!) I know I found out about the site from the forum. But only the first link, not the NY Times one. I found that because I needed more!

We got the cards first, but online is faster.

I'll have to check out the logic problems one.

Kriston, I love playing the online set game but I wish there were more than one game there a day. It takes me an average of two and half minutes to find all the sets. My personal best is 45 sec. I play the NY times ones, too. It just goes too fast!

Wow, Cathy!

I haven't broken a minute yet, though it rarely takes me as much as 2 minutes anymore. I'm usually right around 90 seconds.

Given that the first time I did it, it took me something like 20 minutes, I'm okay with that!

The logic problem site is wonderful and completely addictive!! Thanks Dottie!! Our family plays a card game called Flux a lot, although at seven my son started to outgrow it a little. We fell in love with it when DS7 was five. It is a high paced card game where the goal to win keeps changing each time a player discards. You might have a winning hand and then, oops, the goal changes before it is your turn again. They also make several versions of the game, such as Eco-Flux, which has a science/ecology bent to it. It is slightly more advanced than the basic Family Flux card game and teaches science at the same time.

Any other suggestions on how to pass the summer days?
ebeth

I will have to try the logic site too. I have been looking for the game Qwirkle since last Christmas. I saw it in Mind Ware magazine and it was a Mensa selection and it looked like so much fun but I've been unable to find it. Until today!!!! Anyone else played this before? It looks really fun and I'm going to try it out in a little while.

We have Qwirkle and love it. Amazon used to have it, if that's any help...

I scored a mastermind game for a buck at a yard sale this weekend. I grew up with that game and love playing it with DS. I'm also addicted to his Rush Hour game! I think I play it more than DS does...

Jool I used to love mastermind too! Haven't played it in awhile though. We tried Qwirkle and it is really a neat little game. (I also got a Wii Fit today - very, very fun!!!)

Do you play Rush Hour online?

Hi Kriston,

I know she feels different because I asked her some time ago, but I think you may have a big point in that I project part of myself into her. I think I am partially dealing with my own unresolved issues about feeling 'different' and never knowing why.

About the bragging... I think I will take the opportunity when I am in Spain because there it is socially more accepted. Here... definitively not!

Well, I can always brag to my Mom when I speak to her by phone...

Well, I was thinking about bragging *to her* about how great she is. That can be done privately, so there's no social stigma there. Poor choice of words on my part. Sorry!

I think there might be at least a little projecting there. I know how very worried you are about her, and rightly so. It's so hard, isn't it? As if parenting weren't difficult enough...



K-

EandCmom, Rush Hour online? I didn't even know it existed! I'll have to check it out. Haven't tried Qwirkle either, but I like saying it...

I have another question related to this topic:

Tonight I was talking with a friend about my concern that DS has a rather high opinion of himself. I don't want him to be ashamed of being smart, but I don't want him to be rude, either. My friend advised me to talk to him and tell him that it is rude to talk about being smart. She says I will be doing him a favor, that it will help him be well-liked. I see her point, and in some ways I agree with her. But I am afraid that the nuances of this may be lost on a five year old. I don't want him to hide his intelligence so as not to be rude. But I don't want him to be too braggy, either. It seems like a delicate balance and I'm not sure how to communicate that to him.

He has really begun to notice just how far ahead of the others he is. I want him to feel proud of his accomplishments but also to have a realistic self concept. I don't really want him to define himself as "smarter than everyone else" because ultimately he will discover that isn't the case.

Any advice on how to find a balance with this issue would be welcome

Well since he's 5 and very intelligent I think you have a good chance of helping him understand this without hurting his wee little pride.
I would suggest you wait until he is playing with some other five year olds and pay attention to when one of the others does something totally obnoxious, including, but not limited to bragging. Since they are five, you shouldn't have to wait too long.
Then just unassumingly pull him aside and quietly talk about what the other child did and ask him how he felt about it. Especially if DS concurs that this child was not nice and he didn't like it, wholeheartedly agree with him.
Then kind of casually pipe in about bragging(not just about being smart, it could be bragging about anything) and remind him that he doesn't like hearing it from other children, so they probably feel the same way if he were to brag about (insert recent example.)
Gently. This way you can use a normal 5 year old scenario as a learning example, but the finger is pointed at another child so it's less ego-defeating.
The key is to make sure it's done very quietly and to the side, so none of the children become to embarrassed.
I've found with DD5 that I need to repeat this excercise many times, but with DD8 she's usually good with only one attempt.
I hope this is helpful.

Thanks, MoN and Incog. Here's an example of what goes on:

We were at the orthodontist yesterday and DD9 had Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with her. DD was talking to the assistant and asked her what kind of books she enjoyed. The assistant said she liked mysteries and DD replied that she could probably tell that DD is a Harry Potter fan. The assistant was impressed. DS was not to be outdone <eyeroll> so he chimes in with "I'm 5 and I can read Secrets of Droon!"

I flashed back to his optometrist appointment two weeks ago where the physician's assistant went gaga over him and asked him about all the stuff he could do. He had gotten lots of positive attention there.

I think he receives mixed messages--some adults are curious about him and want to find out about his abilities and others are not interested. I can see that DD has learned to be more subtle; to find out what kind of person she is talking to. He doesn't do that yet. Also, there's the competitive component. He always wants to compete with DD. <sigh> My mom assures me that's normal...

I'm sure age is a big part of it, but DD has always been very perceptive about social cues. You're right, she managed to talk about her Harry Potter book by making it a conversation about interests. I hope some of her techniques rub off on DS

I'm probably not the best one to help him...I was a social dunce as a kid and, while I do ok now, I'm still a bit on the awkward side.

Well the mixed messages are a problem. I see your point, especially because he's getting such a desirable reaction from some adults. He'll probably realize he doesn't get the same reaction from kids as he gets older.

We have tried a couple of things with DS5, one was that only give help to other students when asked. Let others participate, and we used the comparason of children that can run faster then he can, and how would he want to be treated. Also there is to be no bragging at school, however at home with mom and dad it's ok. He is competative, but is learning not to blurt out that he can do what his older cousins can do. In September he will be going to a school with children with equal or more ability then himself. It will be a little shock for him, we are trying to prepare him.