Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Existential Depression in a 5 year old??

I haven't been able to put my finger on what was going on with DD until I ran across this article: https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/existential-depression-in-gifted-individuals/

Lately, she's been questioning everything. She tells me "I don't like myself" and when questioned further it seems to be in part that she doesn't look exactly like DH or myself. Other times she says it's because she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life (like who she will marry, what job she will do, living on her own someday etc). We try to explain to her that is incredibly far off but she still freaks out about these questions. Sometimes she just tells me "you don't understand" and won't explain further.

She figured out when she was 4 that Santa didn't exist (a friend of ours had mentioned him and she got really upset about it and demanded we start telling her the truth). And this has made her start to question everything, if God exists, what things we actually believe in etc.

She also get a lot of nightmares at night. She constantly fears that DH or myself will die and asks if we'll still love her after we die or just questions about death in general. She's very interested in outerspace/planets/stars and asked when the sun would die. This has also added to her fears and she asks when people will learn space travel so that we can move to another planet if the sun dies.

If she does make a mistake or accidentally insults someone she holds on to it and won't let go. There are things she got in trouble for MONTHS ago that she still feels bad about and will start crying about randomly.

Mostly, she just comes to me with this stuff. DH gets frustrated on how to handle it. She said that she's tried talking to her nanny about it but she also didn't say much. I'm not even sure what to say most of the time but to explain to that we will always love her. I also tell her about my own childhood and things that I was scared about, how I also had nightmares and many of these same fears.

We've talked about possibly taking her to a psychologist. I don't even know where to start when it comes to finding one. We have a number of family members with mental health issues so that's an added concern for us...

ETA: I've also tried tentatively broaching this subject with a few friends of mine to see if their kids are asking similar questions but I get the impression they all think I'm crazy?

You're not crazy. My ds was obsessed with death around that age and would ask relentless questions about it, nearly always at bed time. Also very hard on himself, also finds it hard to forgive himself, also a deep thinker. I think this kind of deep awareness may be unsettling for us as parents (because we know we can't satisfy with the pat, easy answers), but will come to serve our dc well in life. It's okay to be questioning things. I did as a kid. I used to spend hours trying to imagine what it must be like to live within another body, after tiring myself on the why of it, and now I'm a writer.

You're definitely not crazy. DS5 has asked questions about death many, many times - usually at bedtime. It is clearly something he has been thinking about. It usually catches me off guard. These are not the types of questions one necessarily expects from a young child.

Thanks so much for the support and understanding! Have either of you found anything that helps? For us it's also often right before bedtime. At first I thought it was a delaying technique (she hates going to sleep) but now I think it has more to do with bedtime being more a quiet time where she starts to think about these things.

I don't mind the questions but I hate how sad she gets.

My DS6 went through the same thing and still asks about death and the eventual end of our planet and galaxy. He too started out the school year telling people at school he hated himself and he was stupid. It seems young to have these feelings, but these kids are special in that they can think deeply and question things on an unusual level. You definitely aren't alone!

He has a lot of anxiety, especially around bedtime when he has to be quiet with his racing mind. Many of the things she worries about translates to anxiety which is super common in gifted kids. We've found that listening to a bedtime meditation helps focus those thoughts on something so he can more easily go to sleep. It has made an incredible difference even in his awake time. It took a few weeks for it to really show a difference, but now he doesn't like to go to sleep without it. His favorite is '"Bedtime Relaxation for Kids" by Christianne Kerr (sp?)

We've also met with Dr. Dan Peters when we were going for testing. He recently released a wonderful book called "The Worry Monster". I highly recommend taking a look at that book as well.

This exact thing has been an ongoing concern of my DD's probably since about age 5. It still comes up. I have had to Google the estimated "time of death" of the sun a few times to show her that scientists agree that this is several billion years away. She still worries. She has long had other existential concerns about the universe as well.

So, your DD is not the only one. DS5 has other existential concerns as well. For both, I find that "being the adult" and saying that I promise that will never happen and being very firm that they do not need to worry about XYZ (as opposed to at other times when we are more curosity-focused--"what do you think?") is helpful).

Sorry to hear about your daughters struggles. I can only offer a few ideas that have helped me personally, when I go through existential depression. Maybe some can be adapted to help your daughter as well.

One, I talk to people who are good at the name-the-feeling and repeat-back-the-concern techniques. So something like: "you're really sad, you are wondering if X" or "It makes you feel anxious when you haven't found the answer to X". I don't really expect anyone to have an answer for questions I grapple with, but it's nice to have another person just join me in the thought process for a bit. Sometimes, it's better for me to talk to someone who isn't a deep thinker at all,someone who will say, "Well I never thought of that. I can see why that would bother you."

Two, I find it helpful to keep a record of my concerns, thought processes, and the inspirations/resolutions that I've come to. I hate the word "journaling", but same thing. If nothing else, I can at least look back at past existential struggles and see that I found peace eventually. Also, it's good to limit the amount of time I spend thinking about hard things. So I might write and think for an hour a day and then make myself go about my normal life for the rest of the time.

Three, I try to turn my existential concerns into a goal. So instead of "I'm freaking out because I don't know what I'm going to do with my life", I might say "My goal is to learn more about how I want to spend my time" or "My goal is to spend more time doing the things that are important to me." Then, I can think more about manageable, concrete tasks to accomplish, rather than huge, overwhelming questions. Sometimes, part of my brain sees this as trivial busy work, like making an outline before you write an essay. On the other hand, I know I will feel better if I can take control of the process and gain some traction.

Great post, Space_Cadet!

ultramarina - I wish that would work for her! Sadly, she's an absolute skeptic and it's rare that she'll believe something just because an adult says it (if anything we're always completely exhausted because she wants us to prove everything! A great trait to have, in general, but oh man is it tiring!).

Space_Cadet- that's very helpful. I think the first two especially might work for her. I'm going to try the first one tonight and also suggest to her to use her tape recorder to log some of her thoughts/questions.

For us (and this wouldn't be universally helpful, I understand), it usually starts a discussion about our faith.

Space_Cadet - excellent!

On the other hand, DD8 talks about the death of the sun and the end of earth regularly, not in a concerned fashion, but just because she is interested in space and the universe. She was telling DS5 about this the other day, but told him "but don't worry, it'll be long after we're dead." DS took that in stride, "Yeah." Strange conversions my DC have...