Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Gifted kids dealing with death.

This is a somewhat specific question but from what I have read recently it may not be as specific as I thought.

Backstory: Today our school district woke up to some horrible news. Our Gifted teacher passed away suddenly and it's been a tough road. I have found out through this that this teacher was as much a counselor to her students as she was a teacher. I knew she was like this with my daughter but had no clue until today that she was like this with other students as well. Although I probably should have knowing most gifted kids are dealing with so many other issues and knowing the gifted teachers are most often the only ones that "get" them.

So here is my question. How do we, as parents, help to facilitate our kids needs in this kind of situation. The parents have been talking by e-mail all day and through a web group but I think we are all a little lost. Plus this teacher taught elementary for years before the gifted position opened up so she has many students that are dealing with this that aren't in the gifted program. We also don't want to overstep our boundaries where it comes to the grieving of the family.

I am sure most of you don't really know how to answer my question but that's okay. Being able to come on here and talk is helpful to me as long as you all don't mind reading. My DD9 is working through her grieving in a surprising way. We were talking tonight about how things would be different in her gifted class when she gets back in there and she decided she had to show me something on the computer. I thought it pertained to something in her class. But what she had looked up surprised me. She pulled up on Wikipedia the Kubler-Ross model for grieving. I told her her teacher would have been proud of her that she is taking the time to learn about her grieving and understand that whatever she is feeling is okay. I just keep telling her that I am here and that if she needs to talk I will listen. If any of you have any other information on grieving that I can pass along to her that would be great. Somehow reading about it seems to be helping her through it, and helping her talk about it.

Thanks for letting me talk to you all. At least I have somewhere to lean.

I think you're spot on with emphasising that whatever she's feeling is OK. The Kubler-Ross model gets into trouble when people take it too simplistically; this page has a good picture. The relationship between a child and a close teacher is an interesting one; it can be hard to know "how much" is OK to grieve, and it'll be important to pay attention, I guess, neither denying the feelings nor wallowing in them, as they fluctuate.

I wonder whether she would like, at some point, to do something to express her gratitude for the teacher's life? Write a letter to the family, telling them something about the good things the teacher did for her, say? Plant something? Paint something?

Hi Cassmo- I'm sorry we missed your initial post. I don't feel like I have specific advice to share, but certainly empathize.

When my DS was 9 a beloved teacher in his elementary died. She had also been there a long time and was very popular; she taught computers/typing so all the students on the school had classes with her regularly. DS was close with her as he loved computers, and she often emailed with him, tips and helping with programs, logins for programs, etc. She was one of the first teachers who "got" DS, and he knew that.

Anyway, aside from a note to the family, where I mentioned some special things she did for DS, we did not reach out to them. The school did organize things for the students (there was a group remembrance, and a yearly memorial/tribute at an athletic event she had ties to; the older kids (high schoolers) sold t-shirts to raise money for a charity related to her death, etc.

My DS didn't fully participate in most of the public/group things, I think they were geared toward older kids and teachers. He did appreciate times when he could talk about her and his missing her, with me and with one other teacher. He was puzzled I think that other kids didn't speak about her, but he is also a private kind of kid, and perhaps they did talk to others, just not with him. He had a hard time going to computer class with the new replacement teacher, and never really embraced her or the class. It was hardest for him to walk past her classroom every day- she was a teacher who posted pictures, poems, quotes, messages from her students all over the room and the contrast and constant reminder were very hard.

I wish I had more advice, but I don't think he ever really got used to it- moving to the middle school (different building) helped as he wasn't constantly reminded and at that age they don't have the same type of computer class, so I think that helped. He doesn't ever wear the special t-shirt, but I do think he likes seeing it and thinking about her at times, so it stays in his closet for now. When we do speak of her, we always remember how she helped him, connected with him, went the extra step, etc, and though sad, they are good memories.

For some reason occassionally I don't see original posts and will only see them after someone else responds.

Did the school provide grief counselors?

Another source for help with loss is hospice. When I was a teacher years ago, we had a student in my class of developmental disabled teenagers who unexpectedly died. Hospice had materials for us and advised us on things to do and not to do. They are very compassionate and very much there for the patient but a lot of their work is with the family and friends...so they have a lot of expertice that at least our chapter had no problem helping with our situation.

My sympathies on your loss.

Hoagies Gifted Education Page offers a helpful collection of resources on Grief & Mourning

Sweetie, We haven't gone back to school yet because we are snowed in right now. Which I think is kind of a good thing so it will give the school time to get some things in place. I know they have been working on it.

The teachers visitation is Friday night and my daughter says she doesn't want to go which is fine. I won't push her it will be crazy and she has anxiety about crowded spaces so I don't think it would be good for her emotionally. She said she would rather remember her teacher from her Christmas Party when she was happy and smiling. I don't blame her.

Thank you for all your information. Indigo I will look over that page from Hoagies.

Thanks