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I truly do not understand why it is such an issue for teachers, para-professionals and aids to keep their disparaging remarks about my son's disabilities to themselves. He knows that his disabilities are an annoyance to all, the message has been received a number of times now, loud and clear.

If teachers and staff do not have something helpful, supportive and constructive to say to help DS when they see him struggling then then they should keep quiet. How hard is that? Why do they feel the need to shame? Do they actually think that motivates a 2nd grader with a learning difference? Every year there are numerous comments by paras and teachers putting my son down for his disability. I seriously could understand if it's acting-out/disruptive behavior like hitting, carrying-on, being out of control,etc... but he gets put down for not moving fast enough, not being able to write, not being able to write like the other children, not having good fine motor skills... I mean, really, is that necessary? This has been going on since kindergarten ... It doesn't matter that we have an IEP, a medical diagnosis - it still happens every year several times. It really honestly and truly feels like we are not wanted. Like my son never does anything right. ever. I know it's probably not purposeful but if I am depressed about it and I have a knot in my stomach and tears behind my eyes - how does my poor son feel.

Oh Irena, I am so sorry!!! We had much the same experience at the first elementary school my kids went to - not just for our 2e ds, but for my dd who has medical issues. The thing that bothered me most were adults at the school (staff and parents) who didn't believe that my ds' challenges were real or that my dd's medical issues are real and who said that out loud to them. The worst of all was our school nurse.

I doubt the staff is doing this to be purposely hurtful to your ds or that your ds is the only student who's being treated this way, but it certainly doesn't sound like a school where there's been an effort to instill a positive environment among the staff - "positive" isn't the word I"m looking for but I can't think of what the word is at the moment! I was surprised at how different it was when we changed schools - not just the willingness to be accommodating of special needs, but finding an overall atmosphere of respect and good will among school staff, and an awareness that it's important to be mindful of what is said in front of young children.

Do you have any other schooling options in your area? I've found where we are that even moving to a different "neighborhood" school can make a world of difference in school atmosphere and staff attitude.

Another thought is - have you talked to your district's SPED supervisor about the attitudes that you've encountered and the things that have been said to your ds? At the very least it's possible that a call and conversation there might lead to some training or feedback for your school's staff from within the district, which would hopefully eventually filter down to how they treat the children that are in their charge.

Sending you a big hug!

polarbear

I am so sorry, Irena. I was reading this article yesterday and this statement really struck me: "Disabled children may not be penalized for bringing their disabilities to school." I wish your school would understand that. Polarbear has a good idea to talk to the SPED supervisor about it. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do!

Irena, I would absolutely report this problem: to the SPED supervisor in the school, the one in the district, and to the principal.

If none of them offers a plan for addressing the problem, I'd go to the superintendent but also start seriously shopping for other school options. It's hard to change a whole culture. If there's one person making comments, you can remove DS from their care, but if it's the whole staff, that's really tough to fix.

Hang in there.

Irena, if I were you, I would document the incidents and let the pricipal know that they may have to deal with your attorney for harrassment of a disabled child and I would send a copy to the school district superintendent. I know that you already have other issues that you are fighting with this school and may not want to take an extreme approach on this, but just reading this post makes me speechless - in these politically correct times, how do these people even get away with behaving this way? And your poor DS, what has he done to deserve this level of discrimination to make you all feel unwanted in this school?
No child (or adult) has to suffer through this.

Irena, I just want to say how sorry I am. Sadly, children with hidden disabilities are so often treated with this kind of casual callous disregard.

It's incredibly painful and corrosive. Again-- I'm so sorry.

"hostile environment" comes to mind if you've a mind to do something about this more formally, but I'm the first to admit that there are occasions where even when you win, you lose. This tends to be that kind of thing-- sure, you can force compliance, but you can't force the SPIRIT of inclusion if it's not already there, and that is truly what children with disability must have.


Please know this-- it's not just you.

I'm really sorry. I don't know what I would do but being in a different country it wouldn't be much use really. Can you afford to really alienate this school? If so do you guys have something similar to a local Member of Parliment or a Human Rights Commission? Also is there a local disabled rights group? (They may not consider it a disabilty but it is not that different in effect to being partially sighted

Thanks all. Yeah, I documented it in an email. We had similar problems last year where I eventually threatened to take action for a "hostile learning environment. " So I have been here before, I know the drill . I had to involve the assistant superintendent and got a lawyer before the school starting behaving itself last year. Lawyer is still on retainer; so, depending on what kind of response I get she may be involved. pretty quickly. She could at least do a letter to the superintendent. It burns me up that they do all this social skills stuff with the kids and they are always putting my kid in social skills group but they're own staff are the ones that need some serious social-skills training! I told them last year they should really give these people some sort of disability sensitivity training.

I'm also annoyed because I end up talking to the teacher about giving DS breaks. We had to talk to anyway b/c I needed to tell her I was taking DS out of school for a week for Disneyworld. We plan to have a meeting the week after we get back to discuss the inattention and, supposedly, strategies/interventions to help. She has specifically asked me more than once if I have any strategies that I think would help. So, when I talked to her at the end of last week I told her I'd put powerade in DS's bag and she should start giving him consistent breaks. Well it's only been two full days since I made the suggestion and he hasn't gotten any breaks. She's been very evasive about it saying she wants to wait until the meeting. I say let's start now and we can see and discuss how much it helps when we meet. He has breaks in his IEP already (just not specifically laid out as in every so many minutes or whatever). What's the problem? I think the problem is she is making such a fuss over inattention because they want him on meds not because they want to actually accommodate the disability. Well, the kid has got a physical disability - I can't just run out and start him on meds ... it's gonna take a while lady so lets' do th eother stuff until then. Grrrrr.

I'm so sorry, Irena!! Of course it's reasonable to expect your son will be treated with nothing but kindness and respect when he's at school. What are they thinking?! I feel for your little guy.

Sadly my DD experienced the same thing. And I responded. Every. Single. Time.

I filed complaints with the state Dept of Ed and with the superintendent. I raised the issue and quoted the ignorant buffoons at every IEP meeting. I brought it up over and over in every possible conversation. I created a situation which made the district want to deal with the inappropriate behavior rather than deal with me. It was indefensible and they knew it.

It really does create a hostile educational environment and it is totally unacceptable. Somehow the people who treat our kids this way have received a message that its ok. Well it's not ok. In our case the environment was created by a horrible, unqualified principal. She believed that DD was just indulged and lazy and that attitude was made clear to the staff. I have been told that with a change in principal the whole environment of the school has changed. Even with the same staff in place apparently this kind of thing would not happen because of the welcoming, supportive environment the new principal has created.

I would document, document, document and definitely have your lawyer use some of that retainer money to send a letter to the district. Put them on notice that this is unacceptable, that your child is being discriminated against because of a documented disability and that you will take action against the district if it continues. Address it in the IEP and set up a means by which doing it is an(other) IEP violation.

These adults are bullying a child. A disable child. It is not acceptable and has to stop. I mean it HAS to stop. No other option.

Sorry to come across so harsh but this is a very sore spot with me. People who did this almost destroyed my DD. I can't even begin to tell you what a difference it is having her in a supportive placement that *gets* her. She is not lazy, trying to get out of her work or overindulged. She, like your son, is a smart, sensitive kid who has more than her share of challenges. How dare these people make their already difficult situations more difficult? Really - how dare they?

Well said, Pemberley.

This is heartbreaking, Irena. I'm so sorry your son is being harassed and wantonly discriminated against for his disability. I can only imagine the toll it is taking on him and you.

The administrators at your school sound cruel and irrational. They need to be hit with the full extent of your legal power. Those kinds of abuses are never acceptable. To me, it's akin to taking a paraplegic out of a wheelchair and deriding and vilifying him because he can't walk.

My heart goes out to your family. Do keep us posted. As always, I'm cheering for you.

So sorry this is happening.

I hope the school will respond and make appropriate changes!

Keep us posted!

Thanks so much all. And thank you Pemberly, great post - good reminder. The principal emailed back wanting to have a "meeting for me to hear the teacher's side" and contends that "that is only fair." He does this every time I complain about a teacher's disparaging comments or reluctance to give accommodations! I just want him to say "thanks I'll talk to said teacher and it won't happen again." But instead he turns it into this fiasco where I have to come in to meet and hear the teacher "defend herself." It's just a way to bully me into not complaining, I think. (btw, What happened was that ATP uses DS's advanced math teacher's classroom for ATP and so she happened to be in the class. When the substitute ATP teacher starting giving DS scribing accommodations b/c he was falling so far behind in his writing the math teacher admonished him from her desk telling him "the substitute teacher has to write for him because he can't follow along!") I told him I was confident he could handle it and he wrote a long email back saying he's not doing anything unless we all hear the teacher's side. So, I am not getting sucked in by this again this year. I forwarded it to my attorney. I hope she can write a letter and that should sort this out quickly. Such jerks.

So, of course they are lying now. Saying that the teacher never said that. Why on earth does anyone think that an 8 year old would spontaneously make this stuff up out of the blue? (I guess because he's "always" "out of touch with reality"?) But every time it happens they say DS is lying. And then it's a 2nd grader's word again the teacher-that-has-been-there-for-years.


Short of putting a listening device on DS what the heck stops this? So frustrating! I'd have so much more respect for them if they just said "we'll take care of it." Instead of going on to insist that my child is lying pathologically.

I am waiting for my attorney's response.

My 8 year old says some things that are truly bizarre and just plain made-up, but you know your kid and whether he has that tendency.
DD came home from school one day shortly after the school year started and told me that her writing teacher made them play a "game" where they all had to stand in two rows and hide their faces with their hands. A few kids at a time were "tappers" and had to go around tapping other kids' heads when the teacher asked questions. DD said the teachers questions were things like "Who is mean and catty?" "Who can keep an important secret" (sounds like something a pedophile would ask), "Who don't you get along with". For the "mean and catty" question DD tapped the heads of two kids that she has had problems with in the past. One of the kids was of course peeking, and slapped her after she tapped him.
This sounded like such a bizarre story that I didn't think it could possibly be true. What kind of third grade teacher would have the kids play a game like that? It wouldn't even be appropriate for older kids. I called another mom to see if DD was lying or if it was true. She asked her DD and her DD confirmed everything my DD said (plus added more bizarre questions). So in that case it was all true! But sometimes I never know. She comes up with strange stories sometimes and later admits that she was making it up.

The other mom (who I asked about the head tapping game) was a bit horrified and went to the regular classroom teacher and asked about it. The teacher said "sounds like it was a fun game." and totally pooh poohed it, saying this other teacher is "great". They are all going to defend each other, no matter what a parent or child says. I wonder if you can ask another mom in the class if her child heard that comment? If you have verification or a witness, maybe it would be more evidence?

I hate to sound like a mom who thinks her kid is perfecto but he really doesn't lie like that. He would never out of the blue make up an entire story. He is actually really uncomfortable lying in general (like denying he took a candy). Both previous teachers have noted pleasantly he's honest to a fault. Plus it just came out in the course of discussing the good and the bad of the day. He had no agenda but us chatting about the stuff that made him happy and sad during the day. He has no reason to lie. I hear you tho - his best buddy makes all kinds of stuff up not about teachers but wild stories like that there is a secret passageway in the boys bathroom that led him to a scientist who is conducting experiments lol.

Have you considered asking your attorney about the laws in your state for tape recording what is going on in the classroom? Just a thought -- I am sure your child is telling the truth, so it would help to have proof.

It is a lot of work constantly having to point out learning differences to people who are supposedly in the business of educating the human mind.

Wouldn't you think they would have to understand the human mind first before they could teach humans?

So many times I want to say, "Would it kill you to read a book?"

Aren't people in the education field required to be educated?

We are as confused / perplexed as you are. It just does not compute or make sense to what we consider a logical or even a reasonable mind.

That's when I try to have compassion and think, "Maybe they can't see or figure out what is going on." Their brains (for some unstated reason) can't detect or evaluate what they are doing and that it is the wrong thing to do.

Shameful!!!

Will you remain at the school next year? Hoping you say no...