Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Beyond frustrated

This is my first post here, and I could really use some advice. We decided to have my daughter tested to enter Kindergarten a year early. (She will turn five in May.) So we jumped through all the hoops and did this and that. She finally got to take the test about six weeks before school started. Two weeks later, the person from the school board called and said she did extremely well and the school psychologist who administered the tests felt that she was definitely mature enough the start kindergarten. But, she said, they should not have allowed her to take the tests because state law says she is too young to enter school. I thought the whole conversation was odd. It lasted almost a half hour, but I won't bore you with the details. So I called the state board of education and asked them. They said it's a regional decision. I called the board back and she said she would see what she could do. Four days before school we were notified that she could go.

Let me back up and say that our preference would have been to start our daughter next year in a gifted program and let it be. But where we live, there are no gifted programs at all until the third grade, even in the private schools. Also, our school is a "failing" school. Really failing. Badly. We live in a poor neighborhood so I convinced myself that it's not the school's fault.

We were told at the beginning that the principal and board decided not to tell the teacher our daughter's age or why she was in school so early. I thought that sounded like a bad idea but I'm no expert. It was a bad idea. She obviously knew how old our daughter is and it was obviously a problem for her. The teacher told me on the first day of school that she prefers parents wait and put kids into kindergarten at six instead of five. On the morning of the fourth school day, the principal stopped my husband when he dropped our daughter off to tell him that there were "major issues" with our daughter emotionally. She had spent a total of 17 hours at school and they had already diagnosed her.

So we had a meeting. We learned something important at that one: every time they start talking about her lack of social skills, we ask about academics. She is ahead of her class, and many of her classmates are two years older because they are encouraged to delay school. We have been chastised for her lack of interest in art, and I asked why that is more important than her ability to add in her head. We are constantly told she doesn't have friends when she does - she is certainly picky about her friends, but she does have them. We are told that she cries a lot. I believe that, but I don't understand it. She does not cry at home. She is increasingly insecure at school, and I can't help but to think that it's because of the attitudes of her teacher and principal.

We have asked her if she wants to stay in kindergarten. She knows she started early and that it's okay to go next year. But she is adamant that she stay. She was actually bitten by a dog and got 20 stitches and insisted she be allowed to go to school the next day. She loves it. But she has also asked me why her teacher doesn't like her. And I have seen her teacher treat her badly. We had a parent day, and the kids were on the playground, and I was listening to the teacher tell me how our daughter doesn't play with other kids - while she was playing with other kids. She came to us, upset, and the teacher said, "Here we go again" and walked away. (She was pushed by another student and hurt her head, but to the teacher that is evidently unimportant.) When we were leaving that day, the teacher said to me, across a classroom filled with kids and parents "You know she will be bullied in high school." I said, "Let's worry about kindergarten right now." And I left.

We have another meeting next week. This one will be with the teacher, the principal, and the woman from the board. I debate requesting a teacher change; I doubt it would help. I debate how much to confront the teacher; every time we have in the past it seems that she retaliates through our daughter. I debate pulling her out of school and moving so we can put her into gifted classes with kids her age (we have applied to the gifted program in Chicago and are waiting for our test date. We have no problem moving but would rather not.) I wonder if we should ask the board for a school transfer. Maybe if she went to a school with fewer challenges things would be better for her?

It's just really disheartening. I'm at a loss. This post has been way too long but I haven't even mentioned a quarter of what's happened. This should not be so hard. Please share any advice you have! My husband and I are beating our heads.

Welcome, terakr! I'm sorry you and your DD are having such a hard time right now. I can't offer much in the way of concrete advice, not being from the US, but hopefully others who can will be along in a moment. I will say that you'll need to play the academic/art/social balance very carefully; it is not the case that academics trump the other elements, as you seem to be assuming, in most educators' minds.

I think there is generally a bias in the school system against parents accelerating kids or early entrance to kindergarten, and the teacher is annoyed. She is looking for any fault in your DD to prove her theory is correct, rather than trying to help her succeed. Personally, I think it is probably more harmful than beneficial for her to be in a setting like that where she is not supported by the teacher. If there is any way you can get her out of that school, go for it.

Here, there is an option for early entrance to kindergarten, but only for kids born before the end of the calendar year (fall birthdays). We have a Sept. 1st cut-off.

My DD started Kinder at 5 and had similar issues due to asynchronous development with some of her school's staff. We luckily had the classroom teachers and the principal on our side because DD's academics were so strong. But where guidance counselors are concerned the old adage that goes 'when your only tool is a hammer everything looks like a nail' applies. They are so used to seeing 'normal' kids with social issues that they are often not even aware of how asynchronous development can manifest itself as 'social issues/immaturity'. Once our daughter skipped from 2nd to 4th all of her 'social issues/immaturity' evaporated - it was quite miraculous.

It sounds pretty rough for your daughter right now. The teacher's behaviour - walking away, instead of dealing with a potential bullying incident is frightful. Further, publicly and loudly accepting that your daughter will be/is bullied disgusts me and I am sure that you have an even stronger reaction.

In your shoes, I would not go to the scheduled meeting next week. If you mention all of the issues with this teacher there it will just look like defensiveness and be dismissed.

I would instead initiate another meeting between you and the district superintendent to discuss the teacher's apparent issue with your daughter and ask what they plan to do about it.

I would also recommend that you get your daughter privately tested so that you have hard facts on your side so that you don't get your daughter's right to a decent and appropriate education steamrolled and flushed down the toilet by the principal and this teacher.

First, welcome. I am very sorry you are having to go through this. But many of us here have been in similar situations and feel your pain and frustration.

Do you have copies of the testing they did when considering early enrollment? If not, request those immediately from the school psychologist. You mentioned that the school psych said your DD was definitely mature enough to enter K, so maybe some of these thoughts are included in the testing summary. They would be important to be able to point to when the teacher is saying she is immature.

Dealing with a teacher who is so unsupportive of your DD being there is going to be very difficult, if not impossible. I wonder if the principal knew this, and that is why s/he chose not to tell the teacher your DD's age. I could see how they thought this might be a good idea (my DD, for example, prefers to blend in and doesn't like to have her age become known until people have already gotten to know her and her abilities), but it also shows a lack of leadership by the principal. Still, perhaps the principal is still on your side, but having trouble with the situation because s/he is only getting the teacher's side of the story. If you have already tried to talk to the teacher to work things out - and it seems like you have - I think you should request a meeting with just the principal and you and your DH. (BTW: If at all possible, both you and your DH should attend to present a united front.)

Is the meeting next week a regularly scheduled meeting to check in on how things are going, or was the meeting called in response to the teacher's problems?

BTW: It doesn't sound like your daughter is really all that asynchronous to me. I just think the teacher is looking for anything she can to justify her preconceptions about young K students, and your DD specifically. The teacher thinks your DD doesn't belong there because she is so young and she is darn well going to prove it whether it is true or not.

Personally, I think the teacher sounds toxic and that your DD should no longer be in her classroom. I would ablsolutely request a different teacher, and request that you and the principal meet together with the new teacher ahead of time to discuss your DD and her needs and make sure the new teacher is on board. That could make all the difference.

Like many schools, they seem totally unprepared for a gifted child, and are at a loss as to what to do, as they may not have previously exercised the gifted policies and practices.


Have you looked into the Illinois Association for Gifted Children (IAGC), state affiliate of National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC)? That may help you gain some local contacts and allies, and meet other parents of gifted children. Possibly key school personnel such as the psychologist may already be involved in IAGC or interested to learn more to advocate for DD and other gifted pupils.

One strategy might be to ensure that this stays the teacher's problem, in other words, that teacher is not allowed to project her issues onto your DD. It seems you have a degree of support from the psychologist, principal, and board. They may be interested to meet with you occasionally to see how things are going from your view as a parent (essentially to see if early entrance to kindergarten is a decision they would consider again, when an outwardly similar set of circumstances may arise). This may also be an opportunity to share books or articles on giftedness. There is a free Davidson Educator's Guild which they may also be interested to join.

Possibly you are already keeping a log? The teacher's attitude could indicate a negative, self-fulfilling prophecy.

The attitudes described could explain why it is a failing school... if children are thought of in terms of their weaknesses they may lose self-esteem and the will to learn. They may not think of themselves as having a growth mindset. (I think of Carol Dweck adding "... YET." As in, someone may not be interested in art ...YET.

Good answer. Meanwhile, teacher seems to be the bully in kindergarten. When something happens, such as being pushed by another child, you may wish to learn whether kids were being reckless, not mindful of personal space when someone was coming down the slide or playing a game, or whether it was a willful act. Then you may wish to discuss strategies and possible responses with your daughter.

Because your daughter seems to want to stay in kindergarten, you may wish to ask her what she likes best about kindergarten. Some have had good results by asking each day what was the best thing that happened... what was the worst thing that happened. Another parent has shared on a recent thread how important it is that children tell their parents everything, so the parents can be well-informed advocates.

For the meeting... agenda?

Indeed.

Thank you all for the great advice and support. I'm taking notes. I'm so glad I found this site. If nothing else, I feel less alone.

This is the end of quarter parent-teacher conference, except that it's different for us. I guess because we're different. It will be at 7pm on a school night so that everyone can attend. And they requested DD be present, which we refused. That seems inappropriate, and it's a school night.

I don't know where the principal stands. I can't tell. She is protective of her teachers. It is a very close staff, which is why I fear changing teachers won't solve anything. Our board contact is really supportive, but she doesn't work in the school and is really busy.

I hate feeling that I have to reinvent the wheel for them. Has anyone actually brought books for staff? If so how did that work out? Isn't it strange that they have adapted to a zillion changes every year yet one child seems to throw the universe out of balance? My DH keeps saying, "Let's talk about the kindergartener, not the four-year-old."