Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Dabrowski's " Emotional" Over-excitablilites

Hi There,

I have a 3 1/2 year old boy, and he is extremely social, and extremely emotional / sensitive. He's super happy most of the time, but super sensitive as well. He has always been highly verbal, and expresses his sadness or anger verbally (thank goodness). He is the kid who cries on Disney/Pixar movies. Tells his father to be nice to everyone. He has high empathy and compassion for babies. he can be anywhere, and will always telling me a baby is crying, and that it needs milk.

I've always had the intention of homeschooling, but thought I should try it just to see what it's like. I first put him in summer camp, and then followed during the fall with preschool at the same school. He has come home from summer camp and now preschool talking about this same boy who gives him a hard time. I mean it's every day he talks of this other boy, and then one day last week his wasn't paying attention on the deck for pickup and they moved him to the other side, and he burst into tears and cried all the way home. His teacher told him to use his words and to stop crying that he;s not a baby???

I see on this board a lot that preschool was great, and then Kindergarten went downhill and changed their kid. I already see a lot of changes, and just want to make sure that i'm doing the right thing.

Anyone with highly emotional / sensitive kids have any advice on how to handle school?

No advice here, just support. We are 6 months behind you with a very social and very sensitive little boy. I keep eyeing gifted or nature play-based preschools but we will likely homeschool.

I would say at 3.5 he is a baby and that it is developmentally appropriate to cry when upset. And it doesn't "make them soft", ds6 is incredibly tough and the ds4 recovers really quickly. They know if they need to cry their need will be respected.

We've had similar problems, and some not-so-nice teachers and kids who made it a lot worse. In DD's case, in 3rd grade there was one girl who was really bullying most of the other girls and the teacher was oblivious to what was happening and IMO was even used by this one girl to wield power over the other girls (by getting them in trouble with the teacher, even though she had initiated the whole thing). At first I thought it was just DD making stuff up but later came to talk to other Moms and found several who explained the situation to me, which fit with what we were seeing too. Unfortunately this teacher was absolutely unhelpful in doing even the simplest things to address the problem--for example, we politely asked that DD maybe sit at a different table for lunch since she was having so much trouble getting along with this girl, but no, we were told, we should instead help DD 'bullyproof' herself and they were not going to change the lunch seating in any way. And this was a private school, and not a cheap one. I am still just baffled by how unhelpful they were in this situation, especially since we had had great relationships and experiences with two sets of earlier teachers at the same school.

Anyway, sorry to go on so long--IMO, I would consider politely approaching the teacher and mentioning that your son seems to be having difficulty getting along with this one kid in particular, and see what she says. Maybe she would be willing to sometimes intervene to keep them apart, and maybe that would help your DS not get upset about other things so much??

Good luck!

I thought a playbased preschool too, at the pressure of my family about how he needs to be socialized? but he's almost frightfully social where he talks to everyone and everything. There was a gifted preschool that I looked at as well (he hasn't been tested), but they wanted double the tuition and wanted him to go full time. I wasn't ready for that as this his first experience.

I would talk to the teachers. Were they asking him to use his words so that they could understand the reason he was upset? SO much is determined by tone that it really makes a difference HOW the teacher said what she did.

FWIW - I would be more worried about the other kid who is "giving him a hard time." You need to get that stopped, especially if it happened in summer camp and is now happening in preschool. Definitely talk to the teachers about that and see what you can do. That is something that could continue indefinitely and turn into outright bullying as the kids get older.

Don't worry about the crying - he is 3.5. It is perfectly developmentally appropriate.

We are in the same boat. I wish our kids could play together.

Mine is six months younger so take this for what it is worth... I would be really concerned at the teacher's response to the crying. Crying is developmentally appropriate at that age. A response like that would send my kiddo into a tailspin.

I would also try to find out what is going on with the other kid and what his teacher is going to do about it. Honestly, if your instincts are telling you this situation is a bad fit and you have the resources to have him home, don't be afraid to pull him if you think it is best for your family. There are plenty of ways to achieve socialization without traumatizing your child.

My DD is 3.3 and I don't let her use crying as a strategic tool. I also do not tolerate crying unless she is actually distressed. She says crying makes her feel better but having to listen to her scream sure doesn't make me feel better. BUT, I would never tell a crying child who is genuinely upset to stop acting like a baby.

Preschool hasn't been all that great for DD. She tries to engage other children in conversation but you know, that doesn't quite work well. She is quite sensitive to violence and strongly disapproves of other children's lack of social grace. She does appreciate acts of kindness but the ratio of rude behaviors/politeness is 10/1 on a good day. She is a bit disillusioned by the whole school experience but she still manages to have fun.

The best socialization she gets is through her extracurricular activities. She ends up being grouped with 4-6 year olds and she absolutely loves it.

I go back and forth between a Montessori preschool and play-based preschool. If we pay tons of money ($20,000) and send her to an exclusive play-based preschool, she'd be with children who have been carefully screened so she might find it easier to find peers. SO is very suspicious of Montessori and does not believe in exclusivity. He wants her to learn to get along with everyone but I don't know if it's fair to expect her to learn to get along with children who hit, kick, punch, push, grab, cut in line, and poke.

I wish I had a perfect solution for everyone. Sigh.

A neuropspych DS 3.8 saw a few months ago used the phrase "curriculum of 3 years old" to reference the processes of developing increasing social and emotional competencies. I try to keep it in mind when talking with the preschool about strategies to manage intensities while allowing for creativity and curiousness. It's been helpful for me recently. Crying and using bodies instead of words to express emotional states is a normal phase of learning how to deal with environment and the people in it. It is our job and that of the teachers we entrust with our children to help them move forward, to use and rely on more socially acceptable means of expression and assertion to navigate circumstances. I would hope the teacher(s) would be working with all the children (including your son and the other boy on this - not just picking on your child). Labels are punishing and should not be tolerated, especially by adults. If the teachers are encouraging you to help "bully proof" your son, I might ask how they would recommend you do that, and in collaborating with them maybe they'll be less reluctant to take your suggestions seriously.
I recently brought in an emotional literacy curriculum for DS that he is allowed to do during rest time. I hope this will help but we'll see. I meet with the preschool often (probably about every couple months depending) to talk about progress and ways to keep him engaged. Intensity is a great thing if appropriate situational moderation can be achieved. It's been important for the preschool and I to work together.
Good luck!

We have been dealing with this issue for years with 2 of my kids. I have found SEL to be such a hot button issue in these forums, with other parents and in schools that I will tread lightly here offering only my experience, not advice.

Paid out the ears for a developmental based preschool that came highly recommended etc. etc. Let everything develop at his pace, never pushed, allowed him to "feel", express his emotions etc. It was such an epic fail that it fouled up my son's approach to education and his self concept both in the classroom and related to learning. Once he started school he had zero ability to regulate himself in a classroom, tolerate other's behavior and learn anything he didn't choose.

Fast forward 3 years and I was determined my daughter (who also cried at the drop of a hat) was not going to have the same experience. I enrolled her in a small local pre-school which was overall "fine" academically. She only went for a few hours each day and I was able to do all the academics she needed after school. It did a great job of teaching her "in the moment" how to identify, address and control her emotions in situations with others that she can not control (and also in situations that I could/would not create at home like "mean girls"). I have seen this pay off if a multitude of ways since then...once we went to a mixed aged bday party that I totally missed was a costume party. One little girl came up to her and asked her why she wasn't in costume and she looked her straight in the eye and said "because I didn't want to" and then joined in the games. She has also taken a great deal of control with her own "out of the box education" when things do not go her way--for example one time she wanted to write and was told that it wasn't writing time, it was coloring time. So she laid out all the markers and copied all the names of colors on her paper.

Basically I have seen that the child that was in an environment that helped her become more aware of and thus control her OE, paid off further down the road in her education that the one who was taught to "celebrate" his OE. She is a completely self-propelled rocket, while the other continues to struggle with underachievement. Either way I believe emotional OE is a long-term struggle. Good luck!