Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy UPDATE: Teacher disciplining disability AGAIN

I would not send the letter but would instead keep it for your own records. I would not trust these people and would be concerned that they will use it differently than you intend. A summary would have been good to share if you accomplished something at that meeting - this way it just documents that they raised concerns. It does not come across as you rebutting them - time ran out once THEY got their concerns on the table. Very convenient....

Does your DS have a formal anxiety diagnosis? I would bring your pediatrician into the conversation ASAP. Can you reach your doctor that relocated? You are going to need someone soon.

Our pediatrician really wanted DD on homebound tutoring when her anxiety started to get bad in first grade. She said "If they are intentionally antagonizing her anxiety she should not be there." I used that quote over and over with the school. We never had to do it but having the plan in place made a huge difference.

According to the consultant a letter from the pediatrician saying that the child will be unable to attend school *for 3 weeks* will trigger the homebound tutoring requirement. This would mean that the school district would need to provide an individualized education for him and send someone to your home to provide the instruction. If he has an anxiety diagnosis and is experiencing the physical symptoms you describe it may be a good solution. Especially with the teacher stating that he is complaining of pain and the math teacher confirming that written work is an issue.

I agree - not time for a lawyer yet but definitely an advocate. Some people here have found assistance free of charge through their states. We had to hire one privately. Your State Dept of Education may have some names. There may also be an advocacy group for gifted education in your state if your district has a Gifted Coordinator. They might be able to give you some names too. If your school psych is really understanding the situation she may even be able to give you the names of some people.

I have to say again how sorry I am that you and your son are dealing with this. I don't know if it makes it easier or harder to know that my DD and I were not the only ones...

Okay well I now have an advocate. We are meeting tomorrow to plan. I found a 2e resource who used and recommended her. Big background in public and gifted with several years of advocacy experience.

I have messages in to Neuro-psych (he is out of state) and previous psychologist who is about an hour drive but was close to previous school and worked with us last year. He's a former gifted teacher who was good with school strategy but not so effective for counseling purposes.

I told my husband similar things as you have mentioned about bringing in lawyers. I personally will drop it before we get to that point most likely.

In other good news, the advocate has connections to a well respected gifted that we have not investigated before (distance). So perhaps a backup if we don't get too financially strained to pull it off trying to salvage the "free" option.

HK-- I share concern about him not attending. He is physically sick but I don't want to push that. I am working hard to get an expert to make a recommendation. I'm hoping one of the mental health contacts can make that call who already know him and his history.

These situations infuriate me and I am really sorry you are going through it.

This is like them saying to a kid in a wheelchair "we would really like to see you have a better attitude about pulling yourself up the stairs on your elbows before we go through the trouble of building a ramp"

Pemberly missed your post. I called the group our doc was in (don't care for the others quite so much) and they will see him in the morning. New doc we have never met. Praying for the best. Thanks for the 3wk detail. I do think he needs to stay home till accommodations are in place.

KJP exactly. Your wheelchair example was so accurate.

Thanks for sharing your brains and keeping me sane! You are helping me so much stay on track.

I have a photo of my child taken last year (before we understood why things were so bad--prediagnosis and pre school change) while shopping for a toy for his best friend's birthday. He just turned 6 and it is haunting. The look on his face and the glaring bald spot where he had pulled out his hair from stress. Right there in the toy aisle this sad pale ghost of a child. I still tear up to see it but thank God I took that pic because it shows how bad this can get for him... I feel dangerously close to being back there again with the incessant nightmares and all.

Neuropsych will call tonight or tomorrow...

What is your back-door exit strategy?

What will it take to trigger that plan?
(DO NOT ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS on a public forum such as this one-- but do have answers. For yourself.)

I'm really sorry. It sounds like you've done a lot of really positive things today in order to nudge the situation in a better direction for your son. I truly hope that those efforts are successful.

HsppilyMom, I am soooo so sorry the meeting didn't go better yesterday. I am also so glad you've contacted an advocate.

FWIW, my first question when I read your meeting summary is: Do you have a date for either a 504 plan meeting or an IEP eligibility meeting? If you don't, you need to make a written request for one. The cynical side of me feels that your school is going to try to say that the meeting yesterday was just that - a discussion of whether or not your ds is eligible for an IEP eligibility review... and really it wasn't. Follow your advocate's advice - for sure - but I'm guessing that he/she will want you to put in a written request for a formal assessment for IEP eligibility. I think you're still waiting for the report from the neuropsych (?) - how long do you think that will take to get? If it's just a matter of a few weeks, put in the written request now and set the date for the meeting at a time you'll have the report.

I would also try to wrap my head around separating out the LDs from the giftedness in terms of advocacy for now. You are still advocating for both, but your ds *really* needs to have appropriate accommodations for his LDs in place *now* so that he can show his knowledge and not be held back long term - which can happen both because the school refuses acceleration but also because he doesn't learn how to use accommodations and therefore can't perform to his full ability later on. Plus I suspect that at this point in time, his anxiety is driven as much, if not more, by the LDs not being accommodated and being misunderstood, than the lack of proper acceleration. It doesn't mean you're ignoring the gifted needs, just putting them in 2nd priority for a short time while you make sure his LDs are acknowledged and accommodated (and remediated if that's part of what he needs).

We've been in a very similar place with our school when advocating for an IEP and accommodations for our ds. It took quite a toll on me, to be honest. Even with the help of an excellent advocate and even after we'd received the IEP. That was only half the battle (or maybe less, in the long run). The school didn't follow through with most of what was written into the IEP, because they'd never wanted ds to have an IEP in the first place and they didn't share a true concern about ds' needs, and their focus moved from the student to proving the parent wrong and proving services weren't needed. That continued long after the IEP was signed and in place. I hope that your situation doesn't play out that way, and that your advocate is able to help you be successful in getting the accommodations/services/ and understanding from the school that your ds needs. I only mention this because at some point in advocating through all the brick walls etc that the school kept putting up, I realized that I was spending a ton of energy fighting the school when what I really wanted to be doing was spending all that energy helping my child. We were at a point with our school when we had been advised that we could (and maybe should) seek legal counsel, and we had an offer of legal advise pro-bono, and that was the point I realized too much of my effort was going toward fighting. My ds had also matured to the stage where he recognized he needed help, he knew he had an IEP that meant the school had goals/etc that they weren't helping him with, and he saw that I was continually advocating and the school really didn't care what I had to say. I knew from talking to friends who are teachers in other schools in our district and to a few professionals who'd been involved in advocating for students and families through legal issues with our school districts that if we went the next step of bringing in a lawyer we would just be prolonging the fight with little hope of getting what my ds truly needed. At that point in time I realized it was time to switch schools. And *wow* what a difference a school can make. Our new school has teachers who are happy to allow our ds to have accommodations. It hasn't all been smooth sailing but it has been so much better than sticking with our previous school.

Anyway, you aren't there yet and hopefully won't need to be But I just wanted to throw that out there - maybe as a point for your dh to consider - when you get to the point (if you do) that you really think you need a lawyer, maybe what you need instead is a new school.

Has your school psych contacted you yet (or vice versa?) - I'm just curious what her take on the meeting was.

I also saw you had a "district rep" present at your meeting. FWIW, during our process, our district rep was usually quiet unless we brought up a counterpoint to something the district tried to pull on us, and then she would step in and assert that we were correct. So she wasn't a proactive ally, but she was there to be sure the school didn't do or say anything that would come back to haunt them at a later date if the situation had ever moved to legal proceedings, so in that way she was an ally.

Sending you a big hug!

polarbear

HappilyMom - I agree with Pemberley and others who suggested *not* sending this letter at this point in time. I do think that it's very valuable that you wrote it for your own future reference I'd also think through it when you have some time, because some of what was said at the meeting, when looked at through your eyes, may shed light on the impact of your ds' disabilities and therefore could in turn be used in advocating - for example, if this comes up in a meeting again:


I (you) would point out:

Wrist/hand pain is common among dysgraphic students when they have to use handwriting. (I know you know that - I'm just stating the obvious as you would when explaining this to the school staff). Your ds needs to use keyboarding to avoid pain; he also may need OT to teach him proper pencil grip, posture, etc to avoid pain. Avoiding the crayons and scissors task does not mean your ds doesn't have "First Grade Skills" - it most likely means he wants to avoid a task that is physically challenging for him due to his disability.

And then move on to point out this is why he needs ___ accommodation - so that he can demonstrate his knowledge (and those lovely "First Grade Skills").

polarbear

Or that he simply can't stop talking. My DD7 is in second grade, and it's hard to get her to stop talking and do anything at all. But if a teacher wanted to base acceleration or enrichment on that, I would be digging in my heels!

Happily mom, just wondering if you have had him checked for connective tissue disorder or a neuromuscular disorder? I think you may know this about my DS already but my DS has both dysgraphia and Ehlers Danlos. I feel like the school(s) seem to poo-poo the dysgraphia, refuse to recognize the disorder itself, refuse to believe it, understand it, etc. (heck, my school just doesn't even say the word as if it will, as an affliction, disappear because they do not utter its name). However, they seem to be quite different with the Ehlers Danlos. Ehlers Danlos Dx SEEMS (so far) to be to them real, physical, and not something to just brush aside as the maniacal delusions of a helicopter mom who shopped around for the psych to give her the Dx b/c she can't accept her child really isn't gifted and is just an average kid who actually isn't even intelligent enough to master the skill of handwriting (gee, that, I think, is the first time I put into words how I do believe my son's school perceive(d) me). I feel like when I would push for anything on the basis of "dysgraphia" there was a weird dismissive sense I got from them. Sending them a report of geneticist who specializes in connective tissue disorders which states how painful it can be for DS to write and how pushing him to do so is not only not going to help but can physically harm him seems to change the dynamic and attitude of the school (I couch all this with the disclaimer of "so far" because we are only in our second week of the school year). Anyway, if your DS is in pain and if he has dyspraxia (which is often according to my son's doc co-morbid with ehlers danlos I do think you should look into it.

Also, just want to give my experience on the attorney aspect. I was afraid to bring in an attorney thinking that would make things worse and I am certainly not in favor of bring in an attorney too soon. However, DS's school really shaped up - really and truly when I told them we were bringing our attorney with us (and I found one who had successfully gone against this school district before so they knew her). Things really got much, much better right away when I did that. They did not want have to pay their attorneys. Nothing I did before, not even bringing in an advocate changed their attitude and behavior. I know all schools are different but I wouldn't necessarily be 'afraid' in the least to get an attorney involved at this point. It is certainly not going to make things worse and in my opinion could very, very likely get them to stop their bullying behavior. Get a good one though. Preferrably one they know of and have some fear/respect for. JMO.

ETA: And I still have my attorney on retainer. So I can literally just say "let me put in a quick call to my attorney on this" if I want./need to do so. Let me tell you, they are now, right from the start, acting ethically as opposed to trying to get away with non-ethical/illegal bullying behavior etc. It really changed the power dynamic (even though I am myself an attorney!) because they KNOW I will reach out to my attorney in heartbeat. The money was worth it... I thought to myself "I could spend a couple thousand on an attorney or end up spending 30,000 a year on a new school that would work with DS." I decided the attorney was definitely worth a shot. And the school shaped u right away as a result and I haven't even spent $500 on her yet. That's how fast they shaped up when I introduced her into the situation.

Thank you for your wisdom and experience. I am taking all this in. Is it a geneticist who would diagnose Ehlers Danlos?

I want to add that I first requested the contact person to apply for a 504 per district policy on 7/13 and on 8/27 per the sage advisors here I wrote the following to the designated "gatekeeper" at our school:

I am requesting an immediate evaluation of eligibility under Section 504 for DS. His Developmental Optometrist and OT agree that he qualifies, and that accommodations need to be in place in order for him to access the educational environment. I know that none of us want DS to miss school with panic attacks and anxiety.

I also wrote how not having his accommodations in place was already affecting his ability to access the learning environment and that I was uncomfortable waiting to see how he would respond without them.

Good to look back. Guess we know the answer to that one now huh?