Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parenting Conflicts- any suggestions?

My spouse has little interest in educating himself on giftedness or trying to understand how it does (and will) impact our son socially, emotionally and academically. Any suggestions on how to draw him into the idea that it is a worthwhile exploration?

can i ask for a little more information? does he feel that there will/should be no impact? does he have any fears around the issue?

I am still dragging DH, kicking and screaming, into the light and the only things that have really made a difference are DS's psychologist and DH's own eyes. Having a third party, who also happens to be a 'real' expert, share observations and concerns, helped enormously. I get the most buy-in when I am able to point to concrete examples of the psychologist's concerns in action.

I also use the same approach I sometimes use with the school: talk as though of course he knows and understands what I'm saying and is in complete agreement and I'm just engaging in idle chit chat by saying it. That lets him go away to ponder on his own time.

There is a fair bit of worry and wishful denial in DH's reluctance to explore the issue. If that's a factor for your spouse, it may be best to give him some time to get used to the idea, punctuated with the occasional comment about a positive aspect of giftedness. The potential problems can get overwhelming.

Mine was resistant to dealing with it at first too. He worked and I stayed home... he had less time with our child and less knowledge of what was typical.

My advice from my experience is to learn all you can yourself and don't push it with your husband. I predict he'll get there in his own time. I don't know the age of your child but as mine became school age and dad got time around age-mates he got much more interested.

The only other advice I have is to ask about your husband's experience with being gifted and talk about yours. Share what you liked and what you didn't and your fears for similar experiences for your child. Ask if he has any "don't do that" experiences he wants to see your child avoid.

Hope the conflicts improve soon. It's lonely feeling like you and your spouse are on different pages with parenting.

Something that engaged my DH on the topic of giftedness was reading the book about Steve Jobs (no, I'm not holding out hope that our DS will be the next Steve Jobs). It got my husband to thinking that gifted minds may work a bit differently. Ultimately, some of our innovators (Jobs, Gates, etc.) took different routes to success and were somewhat difficult/ unorthodox as children and adolescents.

The apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree, so I'd start out by asking him what his early school years were like, and see where that leads him. In my case, I was already aware of how badly things went for me in those years, and when I noted DD hitting academic milestones ahead of where I did, I was already in panic mode.

DW's experience was quite different, largely because she was so busy catching up in language and shifting from school to school that she never had time to notice how advanced in other ways she was. She saw our DD and thought "normal," because the only other toddlers she'd spent significant time with were her own family, who she hadn't yet learned to recognize were atypical themselves. In her case, she needed to see what "normal" actually looked like. Taking DD to dance classes and library readings were an eye-opener. Another eye-opener was looking at the graduation requirements for kindergarten, much of which our DD had completed when she was 3. By the time DD went to pre-K at 4, and her teacher declared, "I don't have anything to teach her!", DW was fully converted.

That was very convenient timing, incidentally, because it never became a problem until DD was enrolled in K.

Yes- that seems to be part of the case. I also took Dude's idea of asking about his early years as a spring board into a conversation last night. Not to say that our DS7 is an anomaly in our family (plenty of bright, high-achievers on both sides) but neither of us (DH and I) were identified as gifted and we both had plenty of academic struggles.

DS7 is youngest of our two children. Difficult baby but his quiet, observant nature as a toddler took a back seat to his older brother's outgoing and chatty personality. Looking back, there were clues in his development- but it wasn't until he took off early with reading instruction that we realized he learned differently than other kids (especially compared to kids his age.) At first, we just chalked it up to having an older brother and being an early bloomer. In time, kids would catch up. But everything we offered as a learning experience- music lessons, karate, chess... he was just different.

We had him tested at 6 because he was coming home from 1st grade and sobbing like it had been torture. Since I took him for the testing appt., I was the one to review his scores with the psychologist afterward. While I was relieved that the testing offered some insight into his strengths and behaviors, it was also unnerving because I didn't have any framework to understand how his place on a bell curve could play out in real life. At the moment, it looked like being on the outskirts of either side was pretty lonely.

My DH and I talked last night. It's hard for him to understand why the topic of "giftedness" plays a role in my parenting strategies or how giftedness can make THAT much of a difference in child development. We both agree- it can be hard because while our son still seems different, it blends better after a grade skip last year. He is musically talented (but not a prodigy). He is a whiz at math (but hates word problems) He can test several grade levels above on any reading comprehension test (but doesn't usually read for enjoyment).

Since my DH doesn't have much time for reading with his busy schedule, I'm hoping that we can find some speakers (VIDEOS??) or meet together with a psychologist our DS currently sees so he can get some outside perspectives on how giftedness can make minds work a little differently.

If anyone knows of video resources that are brief and informative, I would love suggestions. Thanks!

I'm linking to a video of a lecture Dr James Webb gave at the University of Wisconsin. It's about the characteristics of gifties and common problems/misdiagnoses they face. It's approximately 55 minutes, but well worth the time.

http://videos.med.wisc.edu/videos/32540

So glad you made some progress talking!

I think this is a terrific idea. Having a personalized professional interaction can go a long way.

BTW - how far over to the Right Side the the graph does your younger child end up? 2SD? 3SD? The graph measures 'unusualness' and humans being what they are, 'more unusual' means less likely to get their needs met without special efforts. If you go back to the doc, ask her or him to help you estimate 'how unusual' your child is compared to the local school system. It's more about fit than it is about an particular number.

Best Wishes,
Grinity

I agree having a professional's input goes a long way. We sought out a child psychologist after our DD was exhibiting some asynchronous issues. We both went to the first few meetings with the psychologist. Those few meetings helped my husband begin to understand our DD and where she was at. I had been worried that her current school wasn't meeting her needs. DH constantly disregarded my concerns. The psychologist said "a traditional school may not be what your daughter needs. Have you thought of project based or IB schools?" I nearly hugged her! Fast forward a few months. He is finally on board with open enrolling to a different district and, or moving! HUGE strides!
DH was in the talented and gifted program as a child, I was not. While much has changed in the 35 years since my husband was in first grade, his perceptions of school and how things work there have not changed. He still has lots of learning to do:-) All I can do is educate myself and when something is really interesting, I'll mention it to him. He's got to do this on his own timeline. The more he sees where she is at compared to other kids her age, the better.
I just wish he weren't so slow to adapt:-)

Grinity- what is 2SD & 3SD? I'm still relatively new:-)

SD is standard deviation. 2SD is about IQ 130, 3SD is about 145.

The video was very helpful! I forwarded it my DH (hope he finds time to watch it!)
The reactive hypoglycemia info. was very interesting- it's something I'm going to look into as our DS7 in very slender, has food and seasonal allergies (lactose intollerance) and we've been taking him to a psycologist to help with his intensity. Our DS9 is going to be tested with WISC-IV in a few weeks to help determine if his ADHD-like issues need further investigation, or if other accomodations might help.

His GAI was 99.8. PRI 99.9 and Verbal 96%, so right between 2SD and 3SD. We didn't do any further testing because we felt that was enough data to help get the school to entertain the idea of the grade skip (which we thought would make the most immediate difference.) We are in a district with no GATE or public schools with specialized programs. The closest private schools are 30 miles drives and way too expensive for us. It seems like we have struck a good academic balance so far this year (he might not be fully challenged but his teacher is providing enrichment material for him to explore when he finishes regular classwork early. He is not complaining about school- that's an improvement. 7 and in 3rd means that the bar for writing is set fairly high- he seems to be holding his own.

I would like my DH to explore the idea that personality traits also tie into his intensitities and learning style. Also the idea of asynchronous development - that we are better parents if we educate ourselves about our children's gifts and challenges and adapt our parenting. He is still more on the side of "one size fits all."

Thanks for the clarification! I learn something new here everyday!

Have you applied to Davidson Young Scholar's Program? Do it.

Even having 'parts' of a profile at the 3SD mark (PRI 99.9) means more unusual than the usual expectations for giftedness. Luckily, school doesn't much deal with the strengths of PRI, and so his Verbal 96% should make classrooms a friendlier place for him than for a kid with 96% PRI and 99.9% Verbal. Take a look at Iowa Acceleration Scale Manual for details on 'skip or no skip'

Get lots of afterschool stuff that deals with Engineering/Architectural/Visual Puzzle Solving. That may be where DH can really notice that 'unusualness.'

Hugs and best wishes,
Grinity

I am not a doctor and I do not play one on TV...! That said, I know of people with lactose intolerance who have found that taking Lactaid when consuming milk and other dairy products helps them effectively digest these foods. YMMV

Lactose intolerance is not an allergy. It just means the body does not produce the digestive enzyme (lactase) that breaks down lactose into simple sugars.

Lactaid is an enzyme supplement. There are also milk products for the lactose intolerant, which come with lactase as an added ingredient. Since the lactose is already broken down, they taste noticeably sweeter, but otherwise, it's just milk.

An added bonus: lactase-added milk keeps for about two months. Normal pasteurized milk keeps for about two weeks.

My dh made a 180 after meeting with the tester. She was amazing about explaining everything and how it affected our ds. She kept talking until dh "got it". Now, he knows and doesn't question. Has helped a lot for ds and me!