Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Acting aggressively

doubtfulguest--I *LOVE* that--not just one jar, but a series! Wonderful! We're going to have to do some version of that, too. Plus DD loves reliving her successes, so it's another way to reinforce that from time to time.

Re the original post, I agree it sounds like testing. The only thing I would add is that I think it is best to clamp down on the open disrespect as much as possible (e.g., you can think it but you can't say it, that kind of thing). DD just spent some time with a cousin who has been allowed to continue showing disrespect to her dad and brother and now is pretty rude to men generally--although otherwise she's a great kid. It's just something that has grown into an ISSUE and I think if they had worked on it instead of brushing it or laughing it off it would not have.

Also, one more thought--vigorous physical activity to maybe help burn off some of the excess energy.

I have a little different take on what you've described. My son is a 6yr old w/ ADHD. I never would have gone that direction until I started researching it. He doesn't seem "distracted" to me. He can focus intently on what interests him but he most certainly does have it (we have physically WATCHED his brain showing the patterns in brain scans). Sensory issues and other stresses do make it worse and intense exercise makes it better.

Here's what I've learned that might be an explanation for your son's behavior:

ADHD brains crave stimulation. Their PFC (prefrontal cortex) is underactive and needs some adrenaline to "wake it up" enough to feel normal and okay. In fact TRYING to concentrate brings a REDUCTION in PFC activity in effect making it worse.

This makes mundane or non-stimulating activities extremely difficult to complete. Get your shoes on is a mundane task. Clean up toys, school work outside interest or challenge area, even following rules not very stimulating. It's painful in an ADHD brain to not have stimulation and they will seek it out sensory, relationally or otherwise.

Where can you get this stimulation? Conflict with others is an easy one. Time to play "Let's have a problem!" which is a favorite among the ADD crowd both young and old. How about waiting till the night before something big is due? The impending doom definitely amps up the adrenaline and suddenly gets the juices flowing.

The other part is moving moving moving for ADHD as well as being impulsive. Physical activity is phenomenally helpful. My little guy was running a mile each night before bed at one point when stress was so high just so he could go to sleep.

The impulsivity is part of the PFC shut down. PFC is the house for judgement/control/decision making and is not available or able to the ADHD thinker. It's just turned off sometimes and the result is not one that makes anyone feel good about behavior.

At school as you progress in grades teachers have expectation of increases in executive function, self control, initiating and completing tasks, and attention span for things outside your passion (rightfully so as this is developmentally appropriate in NT kids). All usually downfalls of ADHD kiddos. It looks like lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, not applying yourself, and sometimes willful defiance to teachers. Report cards will show it and some teachers will openly display their displeasure with such a student creating even more problems for teacher/child and teacher/parent relationship.

Your child may have some completely different issue but if any of this is hitting home for you a good place to start reading is Dr. Daniel Amen's 6 Types of ADD. The preview is on Amazon. It really opened my eyes to something I thought I already knew about.

All true-- but it brings to mind another facet of raising a giftie, too-- the higher a child's LOG, the more likely it is that those executive functions will lag behind apparent brain development.

We as human beings are kind of programmed to 'see' the markers of logic, attention to detail, and cognitive skill level as proxies of maturation. When they aren't, it's rough to know what functional/dysfunctional looks like.

HG kids, IMO, probably all have elements of ADD-like behavior by virtue of that asynchrony. We simply expect synchronous development, and we naturally assume that unless we are focused on that NOT being the case.

In other words, all kids can be lazy, unmotivated, and undisciplined. Because they are kids. It's just really, really disconcerting to have your 3rd grader (who is 6) behave like a first-grader out of the blue.

Except, er-- that's his age-cohort.

Long way of saying that as parents of HG+ kiddos, it's often wise to take a look at NT development within a range.

I have learned to look at our child's actual chronological agemates, minus one year, to plus however many years gets you to their apparent cognitive level. Expect any behavior which is normative for NT kids in that range-- under different conditions and in different domains, I mean. When it's bedtime, she is 14. When she wants to socialize rather than do work, she's 15 in terms of her impulse control, and 17 in terms of her need for autonomy, 20+ in terms of her social skills and conversation, and 16 in terms of her ability to multi-task.

Thanks, HappilyMom. It wasn't something I considered, as Ireally don't think he is. He is very motivated, and monotonous even with boring tasks. He always has his homework done the day he receives it without me asking him to do it.

I feel bad for even getting frustrated, and it probably isn't fair to him because he is so well behaved. I guess, as I wrote before it's because he isn't as well behaved as he was. When I see other kids his age, I am very grateful lol. I'm just not sure if my expectations are outrageous as I am not around kids, often. I hardly see my friends' kids, so I don't have comparisons.

I don't know if this is a gifted issue or not. It probably is not. Sometimes I just don't know how to handle it, but that's more to do with my poor handling of things. I feel bad for even posting this question now!

Yes, HowlerKarma! That's exactly it: when your child acts like he's a 10 year old, then suddenly acts his age, it is a shock. I think that's the part where I feel mean, because he is only six, after all.

When my sons get like this I have a check list

Sleep, nutrition, exercise (significant), brain work, personal goals, contribution/responsibility to family life, fun time/one on one time with either parent

If I have been or kids have been slacking in one or more of these areas we work on fixing it.

We might teach them a new household chore and make them responsible or find a new goal for them to work on achieving or study a topic that they are interested in like hurricanes or a person from history.

Also I have in the past required the hour after lunch to be quite time for the entire house no electronics ( other than soft music) reading, napping, writing, in your own space...because we are all home during the summer and we all need alone time.

He sounds like a typical six year old boy to me. Both of my twins can act like that, although one is not quite as aggressive. Somedays it seems that I am constantly putting someone in time out or explaining the reason that they must brush their teeth or wash their hair. And there have definitely been more meltdowns since summer vacation started. I think they are just testing their boundaries. They are becoming more independent, and are trying to see what they can control.

Also, I think some of it is related to the freedom of their schedules right now - we are spending more time together than we did during the school year, and they have a lot of unscheduled time. The more structure I can provide, the less conflict there is, so we are doing a lot of swimming, reading time, library time, events at the library, play dates, etc.

I have found the book "The Way of Boys" by Anthony Rao to be very enlightening. I originally checked it out of the library, but bought a copy because I liked it so much. The author makes the point that sometimes boys act their worst right before they make a big developmental leap.

Hang in there. Six seems to be a very tough age for boys.

Thanks, momoftwins. I am hoping it is just a normal phase for any six year old! Holidays are worse, I suppose. He is really big on routine. We have been doing activities everyday, but they may only last two hours- there's more hours in a day than that lol. He has a trampoline, but he doesn't have much interest in it, only occasionally.

He does a lot of sport at school, and on Saturdays he has basketball. He has made a leap athletically in the past month, maybe it could be that. He made a big leap mentally in March. Actually, when I think about it, he's had a big year for every kind of growth, including a huge growth spurt, too. Though, they don't coincide with this moody change (except for the athletics part- does anyone know anything about that?).

He will he seven in September; maybe this will stop on his birthday

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It's nice to have somewhere to share feelings and stuff :P

I'm in the middle of this issue with my ds 7.5-yr-old. Part of it is that he's depressed that there's no one like him around. Part of it is that he's testing boundaries Part of it is that he's quite asynchronous with developments and LOG.

It's definitely related to structure. Some kids need more structure than others or at certain times. It doesn't mean you have to be draconian or have only adult-directed structured activities. It sounds like you're doing much of the same structure that I am - lots of swimming, reading, library time, programs/events at the library, and play dates. That's structure in my book with certain things happening at certain times and days.

I turned to books on defiance (ie. Your Defiant Child) and some structure into the day. This has helped us. I'm not saying it's easy or necessarily needed in your case. But I insist on politeness and respect. When my son recently started get quite angry, frustrated, and having big meltdowns when he couldn't rule the roost or get his way, I locked things up and told him that he had to earn privileges. He's getting the message and connecting his behavior/action and consequences together.

I'm not saying that you've got to be draconian or authoritarian. I'm still struggling with the teeth brushing myself. I even talked about it today with the dentist! It's just that's a non-negotiable rule, though he's free to think how much he dislikes it. My son has to brush his teeth, but he's got control over what toothpaste or what toothbrush he may use. Or he can try to show me how quickly he can brush the teeth. Ditto for putting his shoes on.

Yeah, cdfox, I'm thinking it's all of the above. I have a great routined setup for him- the same activities on the same day at the same time. I'm so happy my youngest is so easy going lol, I couldn't handle two routined kids!

I use natural consequences as "punishment". However, while the NC of not brushing your teeth is that your teeth fall out, I can't allow that to happen. He is aware of what will happen, and not just the extremes, but the other things such as cavities, etc. The sheer thought of cold icecream being too painful to eat is enough of an incentive to get him to actually brush, but not without the five minute debate beforehand (at least it's decreased from 30 minutes).

One difference in his life, that I have remembered, was the news recently that I won't be able to afford his maths/English lessons as of next year. He was pretty devastated by that. But I don't think that would cause this- I have no idea.

I think it would be more convenient if I just rob a bank and paid for him to have 24 hour maths lessons. (Just kidding...or am I...)

And there's more to it than the age-old teeth brushing kid stuff. Like the totally amazing debating skills that he has lol. He has an argument for everything. Which is good, in a way. I have taught him to question things, and to not just believe what someone says, but to find out for yourself. I guess it's all my fault LOL.