Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Teaching resilience

oh, this actually just brought some memories back from this past year of DS4.10 in preschool. I ended up asking his teacher to STOP telling him it's ok to cry! The story was, he'd suddenly start crying over every little thing. And I mean EVERYTHING! When I asked why, the answer was "the teacher told me that crying makes you feel better!" Except in our case it completely misfired! He was already sensitive before this and ended up being a basket case. To add to the whole disaster, DS3.3 is seriously allergic to his brother's crying, whining, complaining. He'll freak out, he'll start crying hysterically because he really picks up on his emotions and in the end, the younger one will run to the older one and smack him on top of his head to make him stop crying! Those were some disastrous 4 weeks before we got it somewhat under control! So, now I have a deal with DS4.10 that he only cries when he's actually hurt so we know something really IS wrong and when he needs to feel better he'll ask for a hug! lol

Oh dear. That's the other side of things, I suppose.

No offence taken, HowlerKarma. I know that can be the case for some. My son is great, he really is. As I have posted before, he has never had a tantrum in his whole life (except for a short, recent one over losing at chess to an adult). He has always been very reasonable, and he is a great communicator. He also loves rules, and is very pedantic.

I have heard from other parents that she isn't a very good quality teacher: she is disorganised, she is overly strict, and isn't very friendly with the parents. I see her with other children and she isn't nice to them, either. On a recent excursion, the was a boy who had just moved to the country two days beforehand. He did not want his dad to leave him. We were about to leave, and Mrs F wanted him to stop crying. All she did was repeat over and over, "Stop crying now, go eat your snack". Then she brought in five different teachers to tell him to stop, with them saying ceuel, unhelpful things, like, "Gee, you'd think it was the end of the world", with an eye roll. This boy cried for about two hours. All he needed was to be told that he will see his daddy in a few hours.

I was originally happy my son had her because she was strict. Despite my hippy dippy parenting my son is naturally inclined towards authority. His previous teacher was quite pedantic and he loved her. But she isn't strict in the same way. She has incredibly high expectations- which my son is capable of, but my son expects manners from her, too. She also lacks the routine my son craves; their class is always the last out of class, and my son rarely gets to do his weekly show and tell (I don't know about the others), and whenever she gives him the requested confidence-building assignments (like, making his own physics book and teaching the class) she doesn't end up letting him do it.

My son doesn't have a problem with any other adult; he has quite a few different interactions of different pedagogies through basketball, chess club, and tuition. I don't think the other kid would be aware of her lack of routine, etc.

One of the times he cried when he had a.writing assignment and wasn't sure where to start. Rather that help him arrive to a conclusion, she just repeatedly questioned why it was so hard for him to know what to do. I can't think of the other time. I know there have been a couple of other times he has refused to talk to her.

Once again, she isn't a bad, evil teacher... Just perhaps old and exhausted lol (she has a lot of time off for a sore back). She doesn't believe in gifted children, and the first thing she said to me at the beginning of the year was that she wouldn't give my son harder work because there's too many kids to give him something different; all get students get the same work because it's it's too hard for her. She changed her tune, I thought, when she started giving him an unorganised bunch of random maths stuff. Also, a recent complaint also brought about extension in all areas- which Mrs F was not happy about. That may be why she has done a 180 on her changed view on my son.

Sorry, I am on my phone so it is hard for me to respond to every question!

This is how it is, unfortunately. Incredibly sad. There is little patience for crying, and it is seen as emotional immaturity. I'm lucky that my son hasn't had a reason to cry until now, because if he experienced this harshness as a younger child, it would have ruined his spirit.

This earlier thread of yours
http://giftedissues.davidsongifted.org/BB/ubbthreads.php/topics/160122/Social_issues.html
convinced me that your son is being bullied by a teacher, and this thread reinforces that.

My son was in class with a difficult teacher at the beginning of his K year. She would gripe at one little boy for being too tall, tell the children they could not sit certain ways on the floor, expected all to quietly sit and color to begin their day.

Much of her approach was very lazy teaching. My child had been an exemplary student the previous year (also full day at same school) and had never had issues at school. There was a traumatic event unrelated to this teacher that made things worse but he mostly had her all day and she was very cool with all the children. She clearly did not like my son and he knew it.

My child also had undiagnosed challenges that significantly affected his ability to perform in her "all overheads and worksheets" teaching method. However, not understanding all the impacts, my husband and I continued to try to help him work through it. School refused to move him to another teacher despite very significant reasons to do so and her unwillingness to give any effort at resolution. Mind you this is a pricey private school.

Our result was a painfully affected child who has been riddled with anxiety and began pulling his hair out literally. (Later diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder w/ elements of PTSD.) We did pull him out at this point realizing how bad it had become. I regret everyday he was in her class. She was too tired of teaching to be effective and she clearly disliked many of her students.

When he got in to a better school situation his hair grew back. His nightmares began to go away and we saw him begin to go back to who he had been before. It was much worse than we ever knew in that classroom and I would urge you to listen to your child. You know him. You've seen some very bad things happening. If his teacher acts this way when she knows parents are watching, what do you think she would say and do when parents aren't around to witness it?

So sorry you have found yourself in such a situation... Is there a possibility of homeschool and return the following year to this school if you desire?

It's one thing for an adult to "put up" with a situation like this, but it can be terribly difficult for a child to have to deal with. Our ds had a teacher conflict in 2nd grade that resulted in him developing anxiety so severe that he was very close to being considered clinically depressed, and was having severe panic attacks that were affecting him at home as well as at school. No amount of "teaching" would have worked to make him able to "put up" with the issue he had with the teacher in the classroom - and she was in fact a good, enthusiastic, involved teacher - she was simply not a good fit for my ds that year. We eventually "got it" that the classroom situation was the root of his anxiety, and we switched him to a different teacher and his world changed completely - anxiety gone, panic attacks gone. It doesn't sound like your ds is in that severe of a situation, but I wanted you to know that by listening to our ds and switching him out of the classroom we weren't teaching him to run away from a problem at all - instead we were giving him something that he really needed. There will be plenty of opportunities as you go along through life to help your ds learn not to run away from a difficult situation, but right now I would worry more about the potential anxiety this teacher and classroom may be causing him.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Thanks for everyone's responses, I really appreciate it

I am beginning to think the bullying is directed at me. Today I received my son's report card for the year, they were awesome results all round. Even in the section of socialising he received top marks. Her personal comments were also accurate- it's like another teacher wrote it. I'm thinking she says these things to me to "teach me a lesson" about interfering in her work. However, I am happy with the report, and I don't see how my son could possibly be denied grade skipping with all the A's, plus the great social marks.

My son is on holidays for two weeks as of this weekend, so he is feeling better. It's only 20 weeks... Then, hopefully, he can move on to where he needs to be. Otherwise, as he does not want to be homeschooled, I will have to find another school.

I think she is just lazy, rather than a bully. She is, like, 60 years old.

Our DD8 wants to be in school to have a lot of friends, but K was toxic, and we pulled her out and homeschooled her, with the idea that she'd be eligible for the GT class in 1st, so that will be better. That year left a lot to be desired, but DD endured the year in public school. Then came 2nd grade, which was toxic again, so we pulled her out and homeschooled again. We skipped her past 3rd, and she's enrolling again in public school in 4th grade, where the GT services increase again.

Having experienced toxic school environments and homeschooling, DD still remains committed to going to school every day, but she definitely enjoyed homeschooling, and today she feels pretty good knowing that homeschooling is a viable option.

The key is that we always offered homeschooling as a temporary option, so she could still dream about a future that involves her sitting in a class full of friends and learning. Maybe you can frame it this way for your DS and get homeschooling back on the table as an option.

I asked my son if he would like to be hs for the rest of the year, to which he replied "absolutely not". So, no... I offered him all his favourite subjects, but still, no... After only getting a B in English in his report, he has said that he will read to her from now on. Hopefully she will leave him alone, then. So I don't think it will be tooooo bad for him; he is pretty resilient as it is. I don't think he would suffer psychologically from remaining in the class, I'm just scared that he will lose his love of learning. I'm hoping the holidays will rejuvenate his mind, since we are doing lots of educational fun activities, plus he's getting extra maths. He's always wanted longer blocks of time, so he is very happy.