Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Please help me choose Out of District Placement

HUGS, none are perfect unfortunately, but there is no way I personally would do number 2 for my DD. Seriously, what the heck is with that director. Just wrong on so many levels. I would be running for the hills and would not even consider it.
Number 3 would be a maybe, but I would really want for my understanding of giftedness and for there to be some peers but that is a perfect world right? Number one sounds ideal although being a way from home and not with your dh could definitely but a strain on finances and not to mention the marriage itself. So those would be huge considerations. I would definitely consider the idea of a move halfway between the 2 if at all possible, then a commute for both of yall but together as a family. Sigh. I wish I had some good answers for you, Looks like yall have some tough decisions ahead.

Thanks everyone. There really is no good option here - it's very much a case of choosing the least bad option. I think any are better than what we have experienced over the past couple of years but none seem like the answer to our problems.

DH is a tenured full professor - his job is not at all portable. The benefit of job security is off-set by being permanently bound to the location. Since the district will be paying we don't have the option of relocating unless we are willing to start the whole process over. He can arrange to teach his classes on 2 days a week so if needed he could come join us at the beginning or end of the week. That can't be a regular thing but he could do it sporadically if we were at the 2E school.

DH and DD are very, very close. He has always arranged his schedule to spend significant amounts of time with her. (i.e. Grading and prepping classes in the middle of the night so that after school he can be with her at the park, playground, museums, etc.) He is very hands on so it would be rough for both DD and me to suddenly be a single parent. 2E option is in MAJOR city - nothing like our suburban lifestyle. Yes I could find her a dance studio and a children's theater company but I don't think they would have the same feel to them. Probably a lot more entree to professional performing than after school activity. We are talking MAJOR upheaval. DH and I have been married 25 years so stability is not a problem in that regard. Yes we would certainly do it but it is not an appealing option.

I have asked DD's psych to speak to director of #2 and see what she thinks. As off-putting as our interactions were there do seem to be some benefits to the program. It would be so different from her previous experience I am wondering if I can even look at it as a detoxifying year. Almost an "unschooling" experience. If we keep the psych involved as the person monitoring DD's progress I may be able to comfortably back off. It might even be a good cleansing option for me after everything I have been through fighting for her. I don't know if I am justifying, rationalizing or just desperate to find a way to make the local option doable. DH is very, VERY angry about the way DD and I were treated by the director so he is not even considering #2 a viable option at this point.

If #3 were the more local option I would probably be feeling the same way about them as I am about #2. The school psych and director both seemed sincere in their interest in meeting DD's needs. I know that's not enough,though, especially with the other areas of concern. It's interesting that #2 didn't express any concern about whether or not they could meet DD's needs, only about whether I could actually accept being 100% hands off and letting them have free reign.

DD has liked each school. Whichever she visited last was her favorite. Now she is suddenly all upset about the idea of leaving the public that has made our lives so miserable. She is clearly overwhelmed and I don't think she is a good source of info. I think she could be comfortable, to a degree anyway, with any of the 3. Shlepping back and forth and being away from everything at home would grate on her. Being in a school with kids bouncing off the walls would grate on her. Being in a school that intentionally pushes her out of her comfort zone so that she can grow from it would grate on her. That's just the reality.

For so long I knew who I was fighting and what I was fighting for. I was sure we wanted the 2E school but once I heard there was a possibility of a local option the idea of uprooting DD became so much harder. Last year I had thought lovely little private plus services provided by the district could be our best option. At this point, though, I think her needs are too great. If she can become independent through voice-to-text or keyboarding and become a more comfortable, fluent reader it could be an option later but not now. Psych, consultant and lawyer all say it's not really feasible at the point. It has to be one of these specialized programs. No one has uncovered another option.

If school is the only option, I'd lean strongly toward #1. But if homeschooling is something you would consider, I'd be considering it if I were in your position.

Given what you've said, I suspect that your DH's reaction is partially a potentiated one given the stress you've all been under, but even so, I'd consider that a HUGE red flag.


Shouldn't they be reassuring you that you'll be COMFORTABLE enough to be more hands off with her there?? It just strikes me as beyond bizarre that the director was so hostile about your involvement. I'm a bit paranoid after my own experiences in academia, probably, but I'm wondering if this person has any friends within the local district which would explain some insider knowledge from a perspective other than yours... :ahem:

If so, that person is potentially COMPLETELY toxic. That's what my gut says, anyway. I think that your DH is right to view that situation with deep misgivings.

If you did #1, could you commit to TRYING it for a year? Until Christmas?

In spite of the obvious things that you'd lose in doing that, maybe it's time to consider some of the possible GAINS, too-- like a closer relationship with grandparents? The possibility of a much wider pool of peers from which to draw activities and friendships? Broader availability of appropriate extracurriculars (given a more urban setting)?

I have to agree with your husband about choice #2. I bet the evil principal and the dictator at the #2 school are friends. I'd check Facebook and twitter.

Just don't go near #2. Any school that thinks that they know everything and parents could not offer ANYTHING useful to the process of educating any child (let alone your child), nor could any outside professionals is just scary SCARY territory. Even without their attitude towards you and your DD when you were there.

Homeschool would still make most sense to me. Or otherwise #1 with DH visiting as much as possible.

When we had only one child my DH commuted to work 4 days a week for about 18 months and really it worked very well, yes I went a bit nuts when his flight home got delayed on a Friday night, but honestly the level of routine and structure it gave the weeks was quite good for us and we were SO focused on family time when he was home, in a way we often fail to be now.

Many families have a parent working FIFO and make it work (not always I am sure). Although you are talking about you and your DD being the ones that come and go from the family home it's still a pretty common dynamic for Dad to be less present during the week. Even adoring & involved dads. I grew up with a family whose dad worked FIFO for nearly two decades and was an exceptional father and husband, marriage still going strong into retirement, children grown into beautiful adults with great relationships with both parents. In fact it worked so well that the mother was quite appalled when he was pushed into a desk job at home, though they seem to have adapted to that too. It's not a lifestyle most people dream of - but that doesn't prevent you from making it work, and really you have far more control over making the outside of school life work than you have control over what school does.

If homeschool is out and these are your options then I say choose the only possible school option and put your amazing skills and energy into making the lifestyle work - it will be a far easier battle than what you've just lived through. NONE of your cons for option #1 are about the school directly.

Also, with regards to extra curriculars, in a big city there should be a variety of flavours of dance or music theatre available to choose from. We actually found it easier to find options with different "feels" in a bigger city. Sure you might be more likely to find the dance school full of pushy parents, but there should equally be a whole school of parents who don't want to touch that other school with a barge pole...

Are there more museums (with classes), think about the things that are easier parenting a child in a city. Moving from a highly urban area to a very suburban area was really hard for me to adjust to as a parent - for starters there was literally not ONE decent playground in walking distance, let along the 3-4 I was used to, with a handfull of AWESOME parks within a few minutes drive. When no one has yards and everyone needs to entertain their kids it can actually be easier to find ways to keep a child busy. Well that was my experience anyway.

Is there anyplace between to live, so that DH has an hour commute one way, and you and DD have it in the other direction? (Are there trains or buses? Gosh, I hope so.) Also not ideal, but keeps the family together more...

I totally get why homeschooling is not a good fit; you need specialized services for the LDs, for sure. Is there something that can be patched together, though? That is, you homeschool the parts you could do, but you have professional services for the LDs and/or trained college/grad students come to your home (at district's expense) to do the tutoring/schooling for the parts where she would need that? (It only occurs to me because that is one possible model for some autism schooling around here; it can work, though it puts a large burden on the parent to organize the enterprise.)

Thinking of you, knowing you will do the right thing because you are intrepid,
DeeDee

If DH is a professor and has that flexible schedule than making the commuting work should be doable. He could do one really long day and then one shorter, the rest at home and still be there more for DD than being gone all week. Also most large cities have lots of so so called bedroom communities where people commute - both princeton and even Philly are considered that for nyc and that can be a 2 hour train ride and some people do that everyday..

I agree the concern about reuniting based on progress is worrisome. And would add stress. I like DeeDee' idea of just hiring people to provide what she needs, and if you are fighting with the district it might be cheaper then the private so until you get paid a better option.

And dont get so stressed about the big city - it just looks big on the outside - you end up creating your own pockets of community - yours would initially be shaped by school. And sure there are professional dance places but there are plenty which cater to kids who jut want to dance. You can absolutely find both.

Change is always scary if you approach it that way - it can also be a big adventure. Sounds like the reality of separation is what is scaring everyone - - so figure out how to not separate.

DeHe

I really appreciate everyone's input. It is really helpful. Obviously the unanimous voice here is the 2E school and find a way to get DD and DH more time together. That's the decision that I "owned" for months and fought so hard to get the district to approve. Interestingly not one person who knows us in RL has supported this option. Not one. It's an interesting dynamic. I realize that I have not shared as much with them about the 2E journey as I have here. Some of them understand the situation intellectually but they haven't experienced it first hand the way so many of you have. They can't relate to the feeling of relief I got talking to the folks at the 2E school and having them understand without having to be educated. They just can't relate...

On the other hand they know us. They have seen DD and DH together and know what kind of special relationship they have. (Unfortunately DH is the Dad that causes a lot of grief for other Dads. Because of his flexible schedule he is very visible. When DD was a baby he was constantly approached by other fathers with the opening line "I have XYZ degree - how can I get a gig like yours?" Over the years people have gotten used to it and he is almost considered "one of the Moms.") People just can't imagine separating them.

Yes there is a train from here to Major City. It would be an hour and a half+ on the train plus at least a 20 minute subway ride to the school. I figure DD and I could do that Monday morning if we want to have Sunday night at home and I would have to arrange for early dismissal on Fridays in order to get home without rush hour traffic. My mother splits her time between Major City and our area and drives back and forth on Tuesday and Friday. With an early dismissal we could probably arrange for her to drive us up Friday afternoons so DD could have a full weekend up here. This past year her dance class was on Fridays which helped me to think this could work. Her class has been moved to Mondays, though, so I would have to find a new studio in Major CIty. Do-able just one more loss for her...

A month or so ago we met with former DSS who had been so helpful last year but who moved to neighboring excellent district as their DIrector of Pupil Personnel Services. Before district agreed to OOD we were exploring ALL options including relocating to any district within an hour's drive of DH's university. DSS explained that no public school could meet DD's needs. Their hands are tied - they just can't provide the services that a kid with DD's profile would need. He also said he didn't see the benefit of relocating because even he who recognized these needs wouldn't be able to jump to OOD - we would have to start from the beginning again. If we give up residency in our district we will lose at least a year while new district starts from the beginning. He ended the meeting by saying if DD was his child he would do whatever he had to in order to get her to the 2E school. Pretty telling - huh?

The closer we get to Major City the more atmospheric the cost of living. I did look into renting a studio apartment closer to Major City but the cost of even the most basic rental plus maintaining our residency here plus commuting (even 1 way - it would be worse if DD and DH both had to commute) is just not feasible.

DH has pointed out that if he were the one looking at weekdays in Major City it wouldn't be such a big deal. I have been offered the opportunity to live there a number of times and it just makes me uncomfortable. Yes I will do it - I just have to be convinced it is really the best option. Prior to these 2 more local options being suggestedI I had been thinking of it as the only option. That made it easier to consider.