Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Please help me choose Out of District Placement

Many of you have followed along with our saga and know that earlier this month the district agreed to Out of District (OOD) placement for DD8. We are now in the process of deciding what school would be the best. We have 3 options in the running, all with pros and cons. I would love some experienced voices of reason to help figure out the best choice.

1. 2E school located out of state. This school is about 2 hours away but my mother lives in the same city. DD and I would stay with her M-F and come home on weekends. They understand what we have been through and as 2E parents themselves can relate to all the struggles we have faced.

Pros: They get 2E - I wouldn't have to explain, advocate or turn myself into a pretzel educating them on her unique profile. Mixed grade classroom (grade 3+4) - maximum of 10 kids in the classroom with 2 teachers - 1 gifted and one spec ed. All math by a math specialist, all reading by a reading specialist. Technology specialist on staff. OT/PT/SLP/Psychs on staff. Sensory gym, break rooms, etc.

Cons: Family would be separated. DD would lose access to her father, her pets, her friends, her dance studio, her musical theater group - basically all things familiar. The district is not on board and we could have a legal fight to get them to approve payment. Attorney is confident we can get it if we push for it but it is not guaranteed. Could involve additional legal fees plus the transportation costs and the cost of maintaining 2 households.

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2. Local psycho-educational school located in our town closer to our home than current elementary school. A calm, nurturing environment that has a Japanese garden, tea house and lots of art. Shortened school day allows time for any additional services that may be needed. Mixed age classroom (grade 2-7) with all teachers spec ed certified. Probably 8 kids in her classroom. They don't believe in labels or testing. They would come up with a program for DD as they got to know her rather than following recommendations from neuropsych, AT eval, etc.

Pros: Ideal location. Shortened school day. No homework unless the child requests it. Would work on DD's anxiety. LD certified school. Approved placement. If we select it DD will be there - no more legal wrangling. Despite all the cons listed below it seems as if the program could actually work for her. Since located in our town district could provide any needed support services (i.e. speech, OT, etc) not available in the school.

Cons: They do not have any clue about 2E. The director made sure that I understood DD does not have "a typical gifted profile" and they do not consider her gifted. Prior to meeting her assumed DD would be an arrogant hot-housed child with no social skills who had to learn to be likable. Director told me I have caused damage to DD by developing an adversarial relationship with the school district. She told a story about allowing her 3rd grader to flounder in 2nd grade math until district wide testing showed him performing at 7th-8th grade level. "99.9% of parents would have fought them rather than let him spend the year in that class but I knew it was better for him not to antagonize the district." (!) Pushed DD really hard during intake interview until she ended up curled in the fetal position. Basically said I have done everything wrong and they want assurances from me that I will be able to back away and let them do whatever they think is best for DD without any interference.

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3. Spec Ed school located about a half hour away. Population seems mostly ADHD and ED. School Psych knows about 2E but stated very clearly that they do not have a 2E program and DD would not have any 2E peers. They would do their best to create an individualized program that would work for her. They had 1 2E kid several years ago but it didn't work and he left (We think we met him at option #2) Mixed age class (grades 2-6) max of 5 kids with a spec ed teacher. This is the placement recommended by the district. It is not outstanding in any area but is an all around compromise placement option.

Pros: Some familiarity with the concept of twice exceptional and willing to make an effort to learn about it and develop an appropriate program. DD could stay at home. The schools has chickens, a fish pond and a garden, all things DD loves. Seems to have all needed support services in place.

Cons: Located a half hour away by *very* congested highway - no way of knowing how long the trip home could take after school. Early start to the day means she would have to leave home before dark much of the year. Early start may impact her ability to participate in evening extra curricular activities. ADHD classmates were *very* bouncy when we visited and DD came home from her day long visit saying " There were 2 boys who were very distracting." She herself was very bouncy after spending the day there.


Any input would be welcome. I'm happy to answer questions or provide more info as needed. Thanks in advance!

Remind me of the size of your family? Option 1 would involve your other kids not seeing you during the week, right? That sounds like it would be really hard, and hard to dispel the notion that you would be "favoring" DD8.

I don't think I could send her to option #2 in good conscience while the current director is there. Do you have any feel for how involved she would be in DD's program?

None of these options are great, as you already know. Are there activities close to option 3 that she could do after school, moving your commute time to a less congested time of day?

No other kids - just DD to worry about which is why #1 is even an option. Director runs #2 with an iron fist. She is the sole arbiter of just about everything there. Anyone attending or working at #2 has to be willing to just say "Yes Ma'am" and let her call the shots. All of the shots. I could do that IF I was sure they were meeting DD's needs. I don't know how to tell in advance if it could work though...

Keeping her in the current extra-curriculars is a big part of why #1 would be so hard. She has friends and feels supported. I don't think its an option to try to find replacements near #3 instead. She would be on the school bus which is why they would be limited to 1 route home regardless of how bad traffic was on any given day.

I would run a mile from #2 and I would probably also run a mile from #3. Which leaves #1, along with its very real issues. Home school is not an option?

#2 wouldn't even make my list. Where's the compassion?

About the 2E child who attended the #3 school-would the school ask his parents if you may call them to speak about their experience with the school? If not, they may be trying to skirt their lack of ability to work effectively with a 2E child. I'd balk at my child being a test case. How long before they would determine if the program they develop is right or not? Not loving this choice.

My vote is with #1. It looks near-perfect. If it were an hour drive away, would it look better?

Consider relocating to a home in between the school and your spouse's place of employment. The commute for said spouse may be longer (or not?). The commute to the school will be about an hour and would require a parent or caregiver to drive DD there and back. Surely this hour wouldn't be longer than she'd spend on a bus for option number #3? She may have to give up some extra-curriculars she enjoys that are close to your current home in favor of others closer to the school/your new home. With this option, you are home with DD AND your spouse at night. It's a trade-off your DD makes. She gives up proximity to extra-curriculars/friends to keep proximity to her dad.

Not saying being 2E is on par with a life-threatening disease, but I know of families that rent apartments near the hospital their child attends for treatment. Keeping the family together is very important, imo. I'd definitely sacrifice location for that.

Of course, there's always the complete family relocation option requiring new places of employment closer to the school. But the extra-curriculars and friends lose out again. I don't see any way to keep those all intact with anything other than option #2, anyway.

Good luck to your family in the decision!

Hey, we are currently looking at me living wherever DD attends college in 18 months, so #1 would get my vote, as a fellow parent of an only.

Skype and cellular contact don't make up the difference between actually BEING together as a family, but...

it doesn't look to me as though your other options are very good, either. I'm sorry that neither of the other two choices seems better.

I agree with PP, #1 seems to be the only choice that fully understands your dd. #2 sounds really inviting...until you get to the person who runs it, whose outlook sounds a bit dehumanizing.

It's sad you have to be making such hard choices at all.

Reading the cons on #1 had me vote on anything but this, until I saw #2. And #3.

#2 looks like it would be a worse disaster than your current placement was. Huge red flags before you even reach the cons, actually (an LD school unwilling to take into account outside reports and will develop program based on their feelings about what she needs?!?).

What's the take of local parents about #2 and #3? And if that 2E boy who left #3 is at #2, how is he doing? But no, I don't see a way you can trust that director.

My vote is for #1, despite the separation. And planning for one year of split living while trying to figure out a way to reunite the family either near the school or at least closer if it goes well.

Re. extra-curriculars, you know your daughter best, but she might need that supportive social group less when she is finally in an appropriate placement at school. Finding new classes near #1 (or options near home that are open on WEs?) could help but not be as critical.

This is a least evil option choice, unfortunately

P
Your DD has visited all these schools,so has an idea of what going to them would mean. So what does she want? What is she willing to try? I agree with the others that #2 sounds like a problem, just starting from the perspective that's it's probably the worst thing for you after the years you have had, it's not likely to make you feel comfortable.

We moved to get DS his gifted school, we gave up the house for an apt. I have a longer commute but he doesn't and he's happy. DS doesn't do after school because its such a long day but the school is working, and they are working with me. I would go with option 1 and trying to figure out a halfway option. Your DD could continue to see her friends on the weekend, but being with DH is better for you and her- if there was anyway to stay together and do 1 I would go for that.

Alternatively would you be willing to try 2 or 3 and pull her for 1 if it didn't work out, can you do that? At least that way, the fight with district will be delayed.

In my experience what was important for us was to make sure we were comfortable with our decision - if you are not you are always second guessing yourself and that is just not a good way to live. On the other hand if you did 1 and living with your mom turned out o be too rough, you could always move back and try some thing else. Or move so e place else - unless your DH is job locked.

HTH,
DeHe

What DeHe said. Any chance your DH could be mobile, with time? Or is this a permanent deal?

Very uncomfortable with 2.

So tough, Pemb-- eventually the universe ought to cut you a break.

DeeDee