Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy when did your PG kid "get it" about him/herself?

I guess DD gets it, because after her kindergarten graduation, we said you're a first grader now! And she replied that she already was one, because she could do things they haven't even taught yet. It's tricky. I'm not sure how gifted she is, how much she perceives, and how much adapting her school really needs.

DS6 knows because of the readiness grouping they do at school; it's impossible for him and the other kids to not notice, really. He's in a multi-age classroom, and he does math and "word study" (spelling, grammar, etc.) with the second graders. The other kids see this, and they talk about how smart he is. They speak kindly, fortunately. And they respond well to his bubbly enthusiasm for learning math and science and Spanish - he's a class leader in that sense, even though he's not especially sensitive to other kids' abilities or lack thereof. He just wants to learn cool things, and he assumes they do too!

He's still ahead of the second graders in math by a long shot, and again, it's not hard for his other classmates to notice and talk about it. He's known all his life that math is pretty special to him, and that he's better at it than most people. When it comes up in conversation, I sometimes balance it by talking about the strengths that some of his friends have -- that D. knows a lot about history, that S. can create amazing drawings, and so on. I also let him know what I and his dad are good at (and not so good at), for perspective. But I never put him down by saying, "Yeah, you're good at math, but you're not so good at [whatever]." His teachers don't, either.

Occasionally DS6 and I have talked about DNA and genetics. I use that opportunity to talk about abilities that are "in our genes," like the instincts and behaviors that other creatures are born with -- but that what we choose to do with them is entirely up to us.

We take the approach that there's not a single "it" to get. We emphasize that there are many ways to be "smart," that everyone has differences of various kinds, and getting to know all your own differences and appreciate those of others is an important part of growing up.

Our 2E DS has come to be aware of his differences very gradually. We have not focused solely on intellectual ability or academic skills, but have tried hard to make him aware of many kinds of talents. His developing a reasonable self-assessment of his athletic skills (so-so) and other skill sets is as important to me as his understanding his intellectual profile.

We continue to struggle with his knowledge that he is often the quickest learner in a given class; he can be arrogant about this. One thing that's helped is that he has a longtime Scout buddy who has Down's syndrome; liking and understanding the full personhood of someone whose brain works very differently from DS's has been important to him.

DeeDee

It is a bit sad though. It is an intrinsic part of who they are - why shouldn't they get to embrace it and celebrate it. Sure an academically gifted child will not be good at everything. He may be great at academics but lousy at sport or dancing or music. I don't say to the child who is wonderful at playing the violin, yes but you can't do algebra, I don't judge the ballerina on their ability to do physics. I just watch or listen, enjoy and say sincerely "wow you have a gift - that was amazing".

I think this is the foundation of accepting other people and living in harmony in the world generally, and it's wonderful that it is understood and appreciated at least by some. We actually tried this as a pitch to DD's old school when they were suggesting they were going to kick her out--that it benefitted the other kids to be around somebody who thought differently from themselves, especially since she's really not *that* different and she looks at things in unusual and often funny ways. After all, intellectual diversity or whatever you want to call it is I think a lot less scary to people than socioeconomic diversity but can also lead to acceptance of others. But nothing doing; they were just too stuck on the negatives. We're so grateful that some people do appreciate the differences and hope we can keep finding them, particularly in the educational system.

Academic talents are noticeable--I don't think there is anyone who knows DS in school who doesn't have an inkling of how unusual he is. Yet I do not particularly want him feeling celebratory about it--I think that often leads to a kind of conceitedness that offends others.

What I am proud of is that DS is starting to enjoy, understand, and use all the things his brain can do without the need to brag or hurt others' feelings with comparisons or seek affirmation from outside himself. He can know and enjoy things about himself without demanding a big fuss from the world about it.

And yes, I do dislike the fawning over athletic talent as well. All the celebrating of self that goes on seems to be a vestige of the fakey self-esteem of the 1970s. No thanks.

DeeDee

Urgh. Dbat, did you find a place for her?

Wish you were here...

DeeDee

Thanks, DeeDee!! Yes, we did find a good place for her--but it was a very nervous-making time, as the horrid reviews from those particular teachers put other schools off, and we were just very lucky to be able to go back to DD's previous school for 4th grade, with a wonderful teacher who is very patient and kind. We have at least next year with this teacher, thank goodness, but this school ends after 6th grade so we will have to find another place for DD and I'm not looking forward to that. And the schools that are available seem to focus either on academics (with I don't know how much acceptance of social issues) or more artsy/social/small class schools (sorry--can't think of a good word for them--one is a Friends school) that might be better for her socially but I'm worried that she would really miss out on developing academically, which I think will ultimately be her true strength and something we should not neglect. Or I guess as a last resort we might homeschool for 7th and 8th because I think the high schools are better. At least we had a year of a good school situation to let DD grow and be happy, before we have to think about preparing for battle again

(Sorry OP to be heading more OT)

This is perfectly put, I think. Thank you, DeeDee, for stating so succinctly what I was having trouble putting into words here.

DD is one of two PG kids in her school circle. The other is a self-promoting, conceited "let me tell you how awesome I am... have I mentioned this thing that I've done/accomplished?" type. The other child is extremely abrasive and NOT well-liked by others as a result.

DD can't even wrap her head around that kind of behavior. It's hurtful to others, and she knows it instinctively. Making others uncomfortable or being the cause of insecurity in them is anxiety-producing for her, too. It makes her feel terrible to do that to others. She is generally quite careful. If that is "hiding" then she figures -- so be it.

There is something to be said for being able to KNOW the right answer or get 100% without TELLING everyone else.