Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy when did your PG kid "get it" about him/herself?

My DS6 son doesn't yet understand how different he is. This is wonderful so far, in most ways. Even though he is subject accelerated by 3 years and regularly comes home asking when school is going to "stop going so slowly", he really doesn't know how far out he is. (In fact the psych who wrote his evaluation noted that he doesn't know that he is gifted let alone profoundly gifted.) It's wonderful because he doesn't feel isolated and he's not conceited at all. It's not good because he doesn't know that there is anything to advocate for and doesn't speak up at school about how "slow" it is. I'm just wondering when it's going to click for him. We're not going to tell him anything. We're just watching him sort it out.

For DD9 it was when her wonderful first-grade teachers started giving her math lessons with the older kids (it was a Montessori classroom for 1st-3rd grade). Later the other kids started making comments to her (not mean though). Now she's pretty much fully aware of it, although we still haven't shared everything about the 2e stuff because we're still not sure what the answer is. But I think letting her sort it out worked out pretty well. Plus I don't know what you could tell a kid that age ahead of time that they would be able to understand and process in a sufficiently mature and useful fashion (although I'm sure there are some that can--but not our DD).

DS6 knows school comes really easy to him, but I'm not sure he knows he's gifted and certainly he has no concept of how gifted. Going to a higher grade for subject acceleration has alerted some of his classmates, but I've heard him explain it as "so I can learn new things, just like you get to do," which is sufficient for his K peers.

When DS6 was only 2, we had to talk about some of the differences between him and his playmates, as he would get very frustrated with the fact that they were "pretending" to talk like babies and would ask them repeatedly to please stop pretending and speak like a two y.o.. We used really broad strokes and talked about how everyone learns things at different ages, has different things that come easily, etc. In 3 y.o. preschool, kids would ask him to read and he'd then ask them to read to him... and wonder why they were pretending they couldn't. So, again, we had similar talks, also emphasizing what came more easily to those peers. (Drawing, shooting baskets, whatever stood out.) So I think he's noticed some of the differences for a while.

In K this year, I was volunteering once when DS left to go to math and I heard one of the kids comment to DS that he was really smart, to which DS immediately replied, "But not nearly as good at drawing monsters as you are!" All this to say, I think he has a sense of it, but just in the "we each have our strengths" sort of way, which seems very appropriate.

When ds7 was in a pre-k at a gifted, structured school, I had to withdraw him because the school refused to accelerate or accommodate him. I said to him that he learns differently than others (like oranges and apples) and that we had to find what worked best for him.

Last year, in kindergarten at a gifted, Montessori-type school, he was regarded a bit of a mascot or novelty and had some comments to him. There was a little bullying issue with him wearing glasses, which were for vision therapy.

Did he fully understand then how different he is or since then? I'm not sure. Perhaps. I don't know though. However, I have noticed that he often edits when he says depending on who's around, but not always.

With the 2e issues, we've got a photo of our son in a helmet when he was 3 months old on the mantlepiece. It's actually a cute, endearing photo, which I love. He's also been in neurofeedback on and off this year and knows it's due to being born with a traumatic brain injury; one neurofeedback provider came out and told him to be transparent. I've mentioned some stuff casually about the other 2e stuff, but ds7 hasn't really asked about it yet - except for pestering me why we still are on a crazy diet (e.g. dairy-free, sugar-free, processed/refined-free, nearly grain-free, everything-else-it-seems-free diet).

I just finished reading The Spark by Kristine Barnett. Her son Jake was featured on 60 Minutes with Morley Safer. He's a STEM-prodigy and autistic, but she said that he started to feel loneliness around 8 years old. She watched videos of savants and child prodigies with them to help him feel less alone and isolated in the world.

DD still doesn't really know.

I mean, she knows that she's gifted, and she knows (intellectually) that she is "more gifted" than most of her gifted peers-- both same-age (because they are doing work she did years ago) and academic peers (who have to work much harder than she does to earn the same grades).

She only knows a few other PG people. Most of them, she doesn't "click" with on a personal level, but the handful of EG people she likes pretty well. Most of them are 1-4 years older than her, so they tend to have similar interests and academics going on, so a lot in common...

One problem with having a HG+ child that doesn't KNOW how unusual they are is that they tend to measure themselves in ways that are really unhealthy since they lack external rubrics for doing so... other than perfection.

My DD is refreshingly unconceited, which makes her extremely likeable. On the other hand, she is far more insecure than she probably ought to be. She tends to assume that she's "nothing special" by default, even when others treat her like a mascot/poster child.

If anything, I think that my DD as an adolescent prefers to NOT think about being something of a singularity. She has avoided considering it, I think, because it makes her feel very lonely.

Our DD seems to have it figured out in this phrase she has uttered more than once: "I'm a 10-year old trapped in an 8-year old body."

HowlerKarma - your DD sounds like my ds7. That's how he is. Though, I think he swings from being insecure to being overconfident at times.

I think not knowing how unusual you are can be good, but I take your point about perfection or the lack of external rubrics. These kids tend to flip and meltdown if things don't come out exactly perfect on the first go or as they anticipate.

I've been drumming into ds7 to try hard to keep his expectations low, like rock bottom low, at times - or more within reality. That way, I said, you'll be so happy when things/situation exceed your expectations or when things work out better than you anticipate. I like to think this has helped to some degree.

It's hard though some days. No one seems to be so excited about x, y, z as ds7 is and, at times, it's starting to dawn on him. I think he'd be so over moon to share a conversation with someone who is also so excited about x, y, z. And that's where it can be challenging. Not to mention about not 'clicking' with anyone on a personal level.

Kristine Barnett specified this difficulty in her book, The Spark, with her autistic/prodigy son, Jake. She said that she needed to find someone to truly capture his imagination, to encourage him, to challenge him. Jake was starved for a conversation with a scientist/mathematician and someone more on his level. He had to go to college early because it was the only place where he could get a sense of enjoyment, an excitement, that felt like play and where he belonged and could be accepted.

Dd is now 13yo and has some inkling of her remarkable abilities (lots of external indicators: test scores, grades, competition medals and trophies), but the topic only rarely rises to the surface level. For example, dh and I were recently discussing the minimum math SAT score needed for a program her brother wanted to sign up for. The number was in the 500s and dh and I had a brief discussion about whether the cutoff was high enough to be a significant filter. Dd then raised her head from a book - "What was my score?" "750." She responded with a calm "Oh, cool," and then her head disappeared back into the book. I am sure she quickly forgot the score.

My DD realizes that she 'gets' stuff that is beyond most of her age peers but she also 'gets' the fact that this doesn't make her 'better' than them.

We explain that it is no different to being taller, fatter, skinnier, better at sports etc.

My challenge is keeping her stretched so that she doesn't learn to take it easy - like I did LOL

My ds doesn't "get it", but he knows he's different. For sure in k, he realized he was different. It was a very hard year for him. He ended up resorting to excessive silliness to get kids to give him attention. He gets that everyone has different strengths, but didn't understand why he didn't get to learn at school.

However, since school has been out a week plus, I am seeing my ds back to his old self. I'm loving it!!

I guess DD gets it, because after her kindergarten graduation, we said you're a first grader now! And she replied that she already was one, because she could do things they haven't even taught yet. It's tricky. I'm not sure how gifted she is, how much she perceives, and how much adapting her school really needs.

DS6 knows because of the readiness grouping they do at school; it's impossible for him and the other kids to not notice, really. He's in a multi-age classroom, and he does math and "word study" (spelling, grammar, etc.) with the second graders. The other kids see this, and they talk about how smart he is. They speak kindly, fortunately. And they respond well to his bubbly enthusiasm for learning math and science and Spanish - he's a class leader in that sense, even though he's not especially sensitive to other kids' abilities or lack thereof. He just wants to learn cool things, and he assumes they do too!

He's still ahead of the second graders in math by a long shot, and again, it's not hard for his other classmates to notice and talk about it. He's known all his life that math is pretty special to him, and that he's better at it than most people. When it comes up in conversation, I sometimes balance it by talking about the strengths that some of his friends have -- that D. knows a lot about history, that S. can create amazing drawings, and so on. I also let him know what I and his dad are good at (and not so good at), for perspective. But I never put him down by saying, "Yeah, you're good at math, but you're not so good at [whatever]." His teachers don't, either.

Occasionally DS6 and I have talked about DNA and genetics. I use that opportunity to talk about abilities that are "in our genes," like the instincts and behaviors that other creatures are born with -- but that what we choose to do with them is entirely up to us.

We take the approach that there's not a single "it" to get. We emphasize that there are many ways to be "smart," that everyone has differences of various kinds, and getting to know all your own differences and appreciate those of others is an important part of growing up.

Our 2E DS has come to be aware of his differences very gradually. We have not focused solely on intellectual ability or academic skills, but have tried hard to make him aware of many kinds of talents. His developing a reasonable self-assessment of his athletic skills (so-so) and other skill sets is as important to me as his understanding his intellectual profile.

We continue to struggle with his knowledge that he is often the quickest learner in a given class; he can be arrogant about this. One thing that's helped is that he has a longtime Scout buddy who has Down's syndrome; liking and understanding the full personhood of someone whose brain works very differently from DS's has been important to him.

DeeDee

It is a bit sad though. It is an intrinsic part of who they are - why shouldn't they get to embrace it and celebrate it. Sure an academically gifted child will not be good at everything. He may be great at academics but lousy at sport or dancing or music. I don't say to the child who is wonderful at playing the violin, yes but you can't do algebra, I don't judge the ballerina on their ability to do physics. I just watch or listen, enjoy and say sincerely "wow you have a gift - that was amazing".

I think this is the foundation of accepting other people and living in harmony in the world generally, and it's wonderful that it is understood and appreciated at least by some. We actually tried this as a pitch to DD's old school when they were suggesting they were going to kick her out--that it benefitted the other kids to be around somebody who thought differently from themselves, especially since she's really not *that* different and she looks at things in unusual and often funny ways. After all, intellectual diversity or whatever you want to call it is I think a lot less scary to people than socioeconomic diversity but can also lead to acceptance of others. But nothing doing; they were just too stuck on the negatives. We're so grateful that some people do appreciate the differences and hope we can keep finding them, particularly in the educational system.

Academic talents are noticeable--I don't think there is anyone who knows DS in school who doesn't have an inkling of how unusual he is. Yet I do not particularly want him feeling celebratory about it--I think that often leads to a kind of conceitedness that offends others.

What I am proud of is that DS is starting to enjoy, understand, and use all the things his brain can do without the need to brag or hurt others' feelings with comparisons or seek affirmation from outside himself. He can know and enjoy things about himself without demanding a big fuss from the world about it.

And yes, I do dislike the fawning over athletic talent as well. All the celebrating of self that goes on seems to be a vestige of the fakey self-esteem of the 1970s. No thanks.

DeeDee

Urgh. Dbat, did you find a place for her?

Wish you were here...

DeeDee

Thanks, DeeDee!! Yes, we did find a good place for her--but it was a very nervous-making time, as the horrid reviews from those particular teachers put other schools off, and we were just very lucky to be able to go back to DD's previous school for 4th grade, with a wonderful teacher who is very patient and kind. We have at least next year with this teacher, thank goodness, but this school ends after 6th grade so we will have to find another place for DD and I'm not looking forward to that. And the schools that are available seem to focus either on academics (with I don't know how much acceptance of social issues) or more artsy/social/small class schools (sorry--can't think of a good word for them--one is a Friends school) that might be better for her socially but I'm worried that she would really miss out on developing academically, which I think will ultimately be her true strength and something we should not neglect. Or I guess as a last resort we might homeschool for 7th and 8th because I think the high schools are better. At least we had a year of a good school situation to let DD grow and be happy, before we have to think about preparing for battle again

(Sorry OP to be heading more OT)

This is perfectly put, I think. Thank you, DeeDee, for stating so succinctly what I was having trouble putting into words here.

DD is one of two PG kids in her school circle. The other is a self-promoting, conceited "let me tell you how awesome I am... have I mentioned this thing that I've done/accomplished?" type. The other child is extremely abrasive and NOT well-liked by others as a result.

DD can't even wrap her head around that kind of behavior. It's hurtful to others, and she knows it instinctively. Making others uncomfortable or being the cause of insecurity in them is anxiety-producing for her, too. It makes her feel terrible to do that to others. She is generally quite careful. If that is "hiding" then she figures -- so be it.

There is something to be said for being able to KNOW the right answer or get 100% without TELLING everyone else.