Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What would you do if you were me ?

So i just about had enough with the school . This morning they called again , home phone to my cellphone , wanting me to call them back . They can't even be consistent with what we've discussed on our conference about a month or so ago . DS still gets delayed consequences . ( for example , getting orange today at school , then he will lose recess the next day ) That was just one of the example ..

After getting calls so many times the past few months , i've had enough . I am at the point where i don't want to answer the call when i see their numbers .
DH has been talking about homeschool will be a better choice for DS . Less stress for everyone , and the most important thing DS will get what he needs educational wise . He will learn new things if we homeschool him , and he won't lose his self esteem .. he won't feel like why is he different and he doesn't have to deal with teacher who turned this whole year to be a horrible school experience .

Kindergarten and 1st grade was a good school experience , this year , not so much , how many times DS said how much he dislikes his teacher .

My question is .. there's only 2 more weeks of school left , is it wise for me to pull him out ? DH thinks that if i am at that point .. i can just pull him out . But he thinks that just ignore the calls and let him go through this 2 weeks and it'll be done with . I know ignoring calls from them is bad too .. but what would you do ?

Thank you .

It sounds like your DH has already committed to the idea of homeschooling next year. Have you?

The answer to that question should answer the original one... if you're committed to homeschooling next year, then there's no sense in prolonging the agony for the whole family, so yes, pull him out now. If you haven't committed to it, then no, you need to have him finish this school year so promoting to 3rd grade is an option for the next.

I agree and on the same boat with DH to homeschool DS next year . But there is tiny little spot in my heart that thinks maybe 3rd grade would be different . Maybe just 1% of me thinking it might be different next year if he goes to school . But then again the gifted teacher .. ( there are only 2 ) , is his homeroom teacher in this 2nd grade . So even if he's eligible to be in the gifted program next year .. what would be the difference if it's going to be the same teacher that makes everything so horrible this year ?

I do feel like i want him to experience the things i had back when i was in school . DH said we can always send him back to school after a year of homeschooling or whatever just see how things turn out .

It sounds like you have teachers who refuse to understand the child AND school-wide discipline policies that are inappropriate.

I think I wouldn't assume things were going to be different unless I had gotten an agreement from somebody (like the principal) that things were going to change in very specific ways, and that the agreement looked like enough. If he's going to be placed with the same teacher, that sounds like more of the same unless the teacher and everyone else has agreed it will be otherwise.

However, I also don't think you should homeschool because your DH thinks you should-- only if YOU think you should. I, for one, am totally unsuited to it, and I like my job; I would make a lousy HSing mom. Some people enjoy it and are terrific at it. You should think that piece through carefully, as well as how you would plan to meet your child's needs better than school does. (If, for example, he exhausts you on the weekends, will you be better at meeting the needs than the school, and how will you do it? Some kids, like mine, are really difficult that way. I don't know yours.)

DeeDee

i am thinking the same thing about phone calls .

I think he'd be considered truant if he didn't show up for 2 weeks . And sick for 2 weeks probably still need paper from doctor .

That's what i was saying too , just 2 more weeks .. and get it over with . Hang in there .. i keep telling myself this too .

The thing is that his school experience will be very different from yours. He's a different person and doesn't feel things the same way so what you may had enjoyed, he may not.

I wouldn't probably pull him out for the last two weeks but if it were my son, he would probably be sick for a few days and I'd just tell him he would be home schooled in the Fall so he would have something to look forward to the remaining couple of days at school.

Same teacher next year?

Yikes.

No-- homeschool. This kind of thing seldom improves with more exposure...



ETA: What others have noted above, too, though...

tell your DS that he won't have this teacher again in the fall, and that you are working on a better situation for him, that you know it's been hard...

and LET HIM HAVE a number of days that he can use between now and the end of school. Seriously, if it helps him, give him a way out on a limited basis. He can have six half-days, no questions asked by you, that he can use as "get out of jail free" cards, so to speak.

Would that help him?

I'm not disagreeing with what anyone has stated thus far, however, don't think for a minute that home schooling will solve your child from feeling "Different" Your child is likely to feel different for their entire life. The trick here is to celebrate that, encourage it, and explain why it's a wonderful thing rather than seeing it as the issue many do.

You child will still feel different if for no other reason other than they are home schooled and almost everyone if not every other child they know isn't. It also will be apparent in what will likely be a lack of social opportunities in comparison to children in school outside of the home. If you do home school please go out of your way to ensure many social opportunities are provided. I've know far too many home schooled children who grew up nearly completely unaware of how to interact with anyone outside of their own family and it was excruciatingly painful for them when they did attend HS or College adjusting to that fact.

I don't think truancy is an issue if you go to the office and unregister him from the school. It's the same process you'd have to go through if you moved to another area.

DeeDee ,

i can't say i am really good at teaching ..LOL .. i can be mean and very strict . But that is because that's what it takes to get DS listens .

But anyway , DH is 100% sure that i , and both of us can do it ,( mostly me of course ). He thinks i can do it well because i used to work with DS , during summer months , working on maths , reading , language and arts .. those kind of stuff . That's how he already knows the materials they're teaching at school . And saying it's nothing new anymore

I am not a teacher , and never went to teachnig school , i went for accounting during my college years . Teacher ? i tutored some kids .. but that's about it

Ever since February we've been trying to make things better for DS , the school maybe did what we discussed for the next 2-3 weeks then they're back to the way they were again .

Howlerkarma ,

that might help , i just want him to end the school year with a slightly happy note , even though it has been a hard year . I'll tell him to hang in there and follow your suggestion . thanks !

jaylivg,

I'll second/third/fourth the other replies suggesting technically leaving him in school for the next two weeks but giving him generous time off as needed. OTOH, if you feel that the general lack-of-routine that happens at many schools during those last two weeks will make things even worse at school for your ds, I'd officially withdraw him today. I don't know the policy at your district, but you can find out by calling your district office or looking on your district website - there's a way to do it.


Although I agree that you need to change the school situation your ds is currently in, I think there are a few things that might be beneficial to not rushing to homeschool but instead think through your other b&m options. Please know, I'm very supportive of homeschooling and have known many homeschool parents and children who have been very successful at it. What I'd look into in your situation (based on what you've posted about your ds): in spite of all the ridiculousness that is going on at the school he's currently enrolled in, underneath it all, it sounds like your ds has some challenges with social interactions with other children. It might all be related to giftedness and lack of challenge (and certainly there are obvious stressors at his current school). But if there is anything else that is a true challenge in understanding or relating to his peers or in handling himself in stressful situations, those are things that aren't going to go away with homeschooling, but instead homeschooling will give you an opportunity to bypass them for a few years without working on the issue. So my once suggestion is to really think through - was it *all* the school or is there something more going on? And if there is something more, try to figure it out and work on that at the same time you are homeschooling.


It sounds like you've changed schools several times due to relocating (forgive me if I've mixed you up with someone else). Clearly you're in a school that is dealing with your ds in a way that would drive most kids totally off the cliff... but fwiw, *if* there is something else going on other than just a ridiculous school situation, it's not unusual for children with challenges to have them start showing up in school around 2nd grade time frame.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Polarbear ,

thank you , sometimes i do think he has problems with socializing with his peers. For example , he doesn't know when to filter it . He thinks he's being honest but actually he's hurting their feelings . We try to teach him , and keep telling him , he needs to respect others if he wants to be respected , always treat others the way you want to be treated .

We have neighbourhood friends , and he plays and interacting well with them . His problems most of the time are the talking , and arguing with his teacher . We even told him that those things isn't going to get him anywhere .

We took him to a therapist back in April , but according to the therapist , it is the school that drives him nuts . The therapist can see it from the daily communication card that the teacher just dislikes him so much . She doesn't suggest us to come back again the next time for a follow up . Maybe i should , maybe DS needs to work on some of his arguing problem with the therapist ?

I feel like i am such a bad parent when the teacher sent home note saying DS this DS that .. moved his clips to this and that and will lose recess the next day or detention or inside school suspension . Trust me it is not a good feeling when school complains about DS' behavior . Despite his good grades , now DS thinks he shouldn't take his grade seriously because he said " why should i keep my grade up , i won't get honor roll anyway because of my behavior "

I'd ask the therapist about group therapy with other kids his age. It's been a massive help to my son. The boys get together once a week and the therapist gives them a task or a problem to solve. They then have to work together to accomplish it. He helps supervise and re-direct where necessary. It's basically a mini-version of what happens at school, but under the direct guidance of a trained professional who can step in and help the kids understand why the other child is frustrated, or why do they feel anxious, or whatever.

Wow, we're going through the same thing right now! DS hates school, isn't learning anything, and doesn't fit it. We have decided to homeschool him next year, and are trying to figure out when to pull him out of school. Here are some of my own pros and cons for pulling him out before the end of the school year.

Pros:
-An end to the daily struggle of getting DS to school
-We can start deschooling right away
-No more calls from the principal
-DS will no longer be angry at me for taking him to school
-DS will be happier, which will translate to the entire family being happier

Cons:
-DS has an IEP that won't be in effect in the fall if we pull him out now (i.e. we'd have to start over)
-Missing some end-of-the-year fun
-Risk not getting the grade acceleration the school has talked about (but not yet put in writing) (although if we are homeschooling next year this and the IEP point are probably moot)
-Will miss seeing one or two friends he doesn't see outside of school
-Younger sister may be envious

We have 20+ school days left, so it's not so easy to just "get through it." We're considering taking a lot of days off in the next month. DS will go to school on testing days (he loves the tests, go figure!), and can skip a day or two a week until the end of the year.

Assuming we do this (and don't just get fed up and quit next week!), we still will need to decide if we want to give school a shot in the fall. But hey, that's months away!

jaylivg, I hope I didn't add to your hurt by what I said - I didn't mean to! I so totally understand how it feels to have teachers send home that type of note - I've been in similar situations with two of my children and it's really *really* tough on you as a parent emotionally (not to mention how our kids are feeling). It took me quite a few years before I finally started trusting my own instincts about my children and before I was able to not let teacher's comments get to me.

Hang in there, and trust your instincts... no matter what any of us tell you

Best wishes,

polarbear

ps - I'll second Amy's suggestion

Are you sure it won't still be in effect? We pulled our ds out of public school to switch to private, but his IEP didn't expire until the actual "expiration date" on it - and his eligibility didn't expire until the same time it would have had he stayed in public school. We have opted to have him go through his three-year eligibility review to keep the IEP active (if he still qualifies), and even though we don't have services in place at the moment, our ds' private school honors the accommodations ds has through his IEP. It's possible this is different than what would happen for a Gifted IEP (ds is 2e, and his IEP addresses his disability)... but it's worth checking into rather than assuming the IEP would just go away completely and you'd have to start at square one when you return to public school.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Absolutely...that.

I've learned my parental instincts are right 95% of the time. I've cussed myself numerous times for not following them as well.

I'm not 100% sure, but I've been told by others in our state that this is what would happen if we pull out of public school. I will definitely check before we do anything official. Again, since we're planning on homeschooling, this isn't a huge deal, but just another point to consider just in case.

We have 3 more weeks of school , and hoping that the next 3 days will be at least a decent one . Not expecting to be perfect weeks , that's asking too much . Just decent ..

But well what do i know ..

The school called , and wanting to give him an after school detention . It's not like they're asking my permission to do it , they'll do it either way anyway .

The problem is , this morning DS was in the reading group , and this other boy kept reading when it was DS' turn . Instead of telling the boy or the teacher it is my turn , he chose to cover up the book of that other boy . As a result , the other boy did the same to DS and DS got sent to his seat .

Frustrated , he was angry , he slammed the book to his desk and shouting . Then off to the special i think it was computer , he pushed the same boy , not knocking him down but it is considered not keeping hands to himself .

And when school called i told school i knew , he's had enough already because he felt like even if he's raising his hand telling teacher , he'll be dismissed anyway , like many other times . So what's the point when doing the right thing is still considered the wrong thing . He could care less about it anymore . I am not saying what he did was right .. no , it was wrong . The school wants to give him detention because all this small little things piling up , such as talking , making noises plus not keeping hands to self .. but she told me , the reason of the detention is because of his reaction .. which is slamming the book and shouting .

The school isn't convinced about what i told them , they said they'll have their counselor talkked with DS . Couple hours later school called again and said , you are right , he is very frustrated .

Of course i am right , i know my son . We even talked about school last night during dinner . DS felt very frustrated , very stressful . To make sure he knows what he's talking about .. i asked do you know what stressful means ? DS said said yes , i do , i am feeling miserable , sad , angry , but i can't do anything about it . DS said to me , he no longer excited waking up in the morning to go to school , he's excited to see his friends , but he's not even excited about the learning things , new things ( if there is any !! ) , not excited about seeing his teacher .. he's just like yeah whatever .. i'll go to school cos you're taking me to school mom .

I am sad for him , i am .. a child shouldn't have any of this kind of experience , school is supposed to be fun learning environment . Not a place to crush a child's spirit into nothing !!!

Polarbear is totally correct here.

DeeDee

Yes i totally agree too , and we're not going to let it just go pretend like there is nothing happening , if there is actually a problem underneath it all .
DH will start at a new job next month where the therapist that we've met before is under the insurance , so we're planning to take DS over there . Although from meeting us and DS once , the therapist sees nothing . But we're going to bring DS there still .
She's not under our current insurance right now unfortunately

Then they've designed it completely wrong.

master of none ,

i agree with all you're saying . That behavior is never accepted in our household either .

I just picked him up from school plus detention , he explained to me what was wrong . And i also told him that he cannot do that , i already knew why he chose this behavior , he's angry , he's frustrated . I still told him , even how angry how frustrated he gets , he still can't do things he did . He doesn't do things like that at home , what makes him think he can do that at school ?

He's like us , adults , when we get frutsrated , bottled up everything until you had enough enough and enough , you don't care about it anymore . You scream , you shout , you slam the book , you slam your door .. out of frustration . I am sure all of us had this kind of thing at one point in our life time . I am not excusing his behavior .. i know he needs to control his emotion , his anger ..

Homeschool is also not because we're trying to escaping the stuff from school . Even before this , we've thought about homeschool seems like it's better choice because you get your own pace , you can learn things that interest you the most and you don't spend time on waiting and not learning anything new .

On top of that with all the stress the school brings to our household , how unhappy our DS becomes and that makes us unhappy also ! .. what would you do ? Would you just keeping him in the school for 3rd grade , and repeat the whole scenario again ?

I have little part of me that think hey 3rd grade at school might be different , but what if it's not .. why would i let him be suffer and lose my happy kid ?

Last night DS said he really doesn't want to go to school today . He was really crushed when I got him out from school after the afternoon detention . He was scared that I'd get mad but I said I've heard everything n I'll listen from his side too . Pretty much what I've heard from school anyway . Then that evening he saud that he really wants to stay out of trouble ..but he feels like with everything going on at school it really makes him feel he doesn't belong there . He said everynight before sleeps he prays that tomorrow will be a better day so that he can make himself proud n his parents proud . And he thinks about it everynight after we tuck him in . But he also said he feels like as a family ..we're getting further away from each other too . Mom isn't as closed with him anymore n dad isn't either ..and it's all because of school matters. He was teary when he said this but trying hard to hold back the tears . He said he gets in trouble at school ..then coming home ..his parents mad n not happy with him and then he gets grounded ..the next day it'll be the same again if he gets into another trouble . And he said the cycle keeps going n it never ends .

I am not a perfect parents ..far from it . But I do love my son .. n I don't want him to get hurt . I want him to learn to make a better decision ..better choice . He is a good kid ..he's not some spoiled uncontrolleable little brat . I might not be making all the right choice either by getting mad at him when he gets in trouble from school . We miss each other being happy ..it seems like our life is full of anger ..stress ..frustration because of school trouble . And the trouble is like talking when he's not supposed to ..playing with materials .. goofing off ..throwing jokes ... loud burping noise ..fascination with the word fart .. spilling water on the floor ...walking backwards in the hallway ..playing on the swing laying on his tummy .I understand these are little things that pile up n I know its not good . But even if losing recess n giving him detention or suspension don't work ..as a school can they figure out something rlse ? They had a whole year to try different things ..but seems like they're sticking to things that don't work n as a result DS gets so stressful ..he's only 8 . 8 years old shouldn't know the stressful feeling ..they're supposed to be having fun n happy .

This seems like a no-brainer to me. I think homeschooling could be a great option.

I know it's not in the usual style of this board, but may I send you and your DS a virtual {{{{hug}}}}?

It's clear your DS has behaviour challenges, and that you know he does. But it doesn't sound as though either of you have any confidence in the school's ability or willingness to help, so it's hard to see how leaving him in this school next year is going to help.

I think in your place (to go to the title of the thread) I'd homeschool, with the idea that this was a one-year plan in the first instance. I'd use as much time as necessary over the summer and into the autumn for deschooling. I'd set up therapy for DS and some kind of group events/classes where he has a chance to practise being with other children under adult authority but with less stress than school. I'd hope that by Christmas everyone would be feeling better, and that DS would have rediscovered his confidence and enjoyment of learning, and would hold off making a decision about what to do in the following year until then, if at all possible.

Sounds like you are terribly conflicted. I usually approach behavior issues imagining this as something happening to another kid (and not my own). This gives me a chance to look at it more dispassionately. I then try and switch gears and see what does work (behavior wise) for my child.

Given the history of this school year, I would not be too hopeful about the next school year. Are there other schools available in your school district ? Do you think other districts in your county make work better ? If you still want to give it a try, you could see how he does for 3rd grade and pull out, if he does not adjust well.

At some point, if you see him in a school environment, you should facilitate giving him tools to be ready (not academically, but things like keeping hands to oneself, approaching the teacher to talk, or even just stay quiet till a moment is available to talk to the teacher). What has his current school offered him, in terms of support ? I also don't remember -- but does he have a 504 or an IEP ? Some schools have social skills classes -- they are for anyone who needs help (does not need a 504 or IEP) -- see if this is offered and if he can attend even if he ends up being homeschooled.

Re the slamming down the book and shouting. You said he doesn't behave like this at home. But at home he probably doesn't need to. If everything was too much he could go to his room to calm down or sort it out with you. If I were very frustrated at work I would probably go to the toilet or for a walk round the carpark then come back and deal with it. He doesn't have that advantage and he has more problems than many kids. Do they give detentions to kids who have trouble reading or do they give them extra help to learn?

I am pretty sure they don't give detentions to kids with reading problems , as far as i know they do help them to learn .

I am not saying what he did at school is acceptable , it is not acceptable . So we did tell DS , when you are angry and feeling that it's not fair , anything that makes you feeling angry , just count to 20 or as many as you need , then take a deep breath and go to your happy place . If it's your bedroom then imagine you're in your bedroom etc . I told him he can't just do what he did , because that behavior is unacceptable . He understood that it is unacceptable , he mentioned he's very tired and very frustrated with all the things going on .

Please , let me ask you something too .

How normal is it to give consequences a day after it happened ? For example , DS had to move his clip 2 times on friday , and on monday , he had to pay for it , his consequences for what he did 2 days ago , he lost his recess and had to sit by the wall . We also have discussed this with the asst.principal , she agreed to give the consequences the same day , right away and the type of consequences is not just sitting by the wall but would rather him running laps . Obviously they can't be consistent with it .

How normal is it for school giving the consequences a day after it happened or if it falls on the weekend then the consequences has to be delayed until the weekend is over ? Wonder if all school does this kind of punishments ?

mom2one ,

the school doesn't offer anything as far as IEP or 504 . They keep giving him detentions after detentions , or taking away his recess time . Does it seem to work ? Well obviously not , but do they try something else ? No .. they keep doing what they're doing , knowing that it hasn't really worked .

Delayed consequences are ineffective and usually feel to the child as if he is being punished out of the blue for no apparent reason.

DeeDee

The therapist also said that it is pointless to give DS delayed consequences . We're talking about a day or 2 days delayed consequences . So when DS has a good day at school , but then has to lose recess , it seems like you're trying to turn a good day into a bad day because you have to pay for what you did a day or 2 days before .

I definitely agree with the ineffectiveness of delayed consequences. My child is in K, and there is no behavior chart. If there is an issue, usually the teacher sends a note, or it gets handled (usually with a time-out, or losing out on playtime) at school.

What does the behavior chart contain ? Is your child interested (or vested) in this chart ? Sometimes, the effectiveness of the punishments fade, when done again and again. Does your son connect his actions (or this behavior chart) with the detention ?

My son has to sit out free playtime when he does not complete his in-class work. That is his punishment. He does not protest, but he does not feel terribly sorry either (maybe he feels a bit sorry for himself for losing out on playtime). He just does his work when others are playing around him. Often times, it is coloring, and he just takes his time doing it, instead of getting the work done. Just now, at almost the end of the school year, after repeated talks, he sometimes does not do a perfect job coloring and focuses on doing work for the sake of doing work. Do the punishments work ? Definitely not, in my son's case. However, when I asked that he just do the work for half the free time, and bring back the other work home, his teacher said that she can't make an exception. I've also requested that he skip most of the coloring and color only where it really, truly matters (graphs, for example). That needed a 504 to implement, so it has not been implemented so far. Obviously, not a great K experience.

What is the school teacher's logic for issuing delayed punishments ? Is it to make sure that he does not get exempted ? I also believe in positive discipline, and honestly, if my child was told to face a wall or run laps after 2 days of breaking a behavior rule, his self esteem would be pretty much shot. What I am trying to ask is this : do you think the school administration is approaching this from a place where it can be corrected gently or just to sort of make him an example (of what not to do) for the class ?



Get a note from the therapist, ask her to mail it or fax it and deliver this to the school, so it is on his file. Every time, a delayed consequence is issued, write a letter and ask to see the Principal. Three or four times of this happening, I bet (or sure hope) it stops


I am asking this very gently -- do you think an IEP or a 504 will jelp in your son's case ? Or do you think he is just a spirited child ?

I agree that delayed consequences don't work - for any child.


And this is where having an IEP or 504 plan in place is important - the plan will outline the steps to take when your child has a behavior issue at school.

polarbear

IEP is individualized education program , am i right ?

The school never mentioned anything like this and i just learned about IEP recently from reading in this forum too . So , no i have never asked about IEP or 504 to the school , i didn't know that it is something that i should bring up and request .

Thanks Polarbear .

mom2one ,

Well , here is the thing , if a child moved their clip 2 times , which means they're getting orange and so they have to lose recess . Now if they moved the clip before recess that day , automatically the child will lose the recess same day , but for example , DS moved his clip to yellow in the morning and right before school ends , he broke another rule and had to have his clip move to orange , so he would have to pay the consequence the next day since it's already end of school .

I'd think they should do a different approach , and okay if they do want to take away his recess , make him do something , don't just let him sit by the wall for the whole 30 minutes . Kids need to let out their energy .

I've talked with DS how does he feel about getting his recess taken away a day after ? He said it makes him feeling bad , for example because today he had a great day , he obeyed the rules and didn't break any rules , but he said he had to sit by the wall for half recess . And i said " why ? " because yesterday he didn't move his clip to orange .. he had a good day yesterday too . He said " well because me and this other student were talking when we were supposed to stay by the wall "

I am aware they took away the recess yesterday as a consequences for what they did on friday . So there were 4 students sat by the wall yesterday to pay the consequences . But during that time , these 4 kids were talking , and so they had to have another (half) recess taken away again today because of it .

Has it worked ? No , because with how many times he lose recess , it's obviously not working for him . But have they tried a different way ? nope ..

He has this communication card that he brings home everyday , and if it's empty then it's a good news . No news is a good news , but if there was problem at school , then there will be note .. there were also rules written in there by numbers . It ranges from talking , self discipline , respecting school properties , using time and material wisely , etc .. So .. say you accidentally spill water .. then you broke rule #11 respecting school properties and you will have your clip moved . Or if you're talking then you will move your clip to orange .. or to red all the way to purple .

His communication card gets so overwhleming to look at , just because his teacher wrote every single thing that happened at school . The majority of these are small little things , that piles up . And when our therapist saw it , immediately she said " oh his teacher doesn't like him at all "

I really don't think he's a spirited child , so he's no angel at home , but we get along fine , and he does what he's told , sometimes he would try to get away from things he needs to get done . If i tell him to clean up your bedroom , he'll try to get away .. and say later later .. sometimes he would test me how far can i go with him . But he's not a difficult child , even as a baby he was very easy baby ,with exemption of feeding ( easily gagging ) , he was happy , always smiling baby , never gave us a hard time with crying or anything .

Isn't that spirited child mean ? difficult , right ? a spirited child should be giving you hard time even when they're babies , right ?

I don't know .. maybe IEP will help , i really need to read more about it . Since i really don't know much about it at all .

The school will typically NEVER bring up IEPs, evals, 504s or anything else like that. These things tend to costs schools time & money. Head over to http://www.wrightslaw.com/ and read up!

Opinion please ,

Today after school DS said he had to move his clip this morning because one of his friend was saying " i'm a dummy " , then the teacher asked who said that ?

Another student ( who always gets on DS' nerves ) accused DS for saying that . DS then raised his voice and said " it wasn't me ! it was student A "

The boy who said it didn't admit it . DS was really mad being accused on something he didn't do , but he had to move his clip because he was raising his voice to his classmate .

I feel like DS did have a reason for raising his voice because he was accused on something he didn't do , and he felt it was very unfair that he had to move his clip for defending himself . I know DS will tell you the truth , if he does it , then he'll tell you he did it .

Should i just let this go or should i send his teacher an email ? On the way home , DS said , when his teacher made him move his clip that's when he really feels like he hates her for being so unfair to him . What bothers me the most is that he's being accused on something he didn't do and of course he's not happy about it .

How many more days of school does he have? My kids only have a week. If it's that short for your son, I would tell him his teacher is wrong, and let it go.

But I think should also consider getting a meeting with the school before the end of the year to request an evaluation for an IEP.

Is IEP provided only for children with disability ? Does that mean the child is eligible to have IEP when he or she is having learning problems ? What if they don't have learning problem ? Will the school then just dismiss the request ?

So sorry for all the question .

DS had behavior problems last fall and winter, in large part because he was incredibly unchallenged and no one at school seemed capable of doing anything about it. Ultimately we asked the school to do a comprehensive evaluation, which included IQ and academic tests speech, reading, and writing evaluations; hearing and vision tests; and questionnaires and observations to look for other problems. Initially we were met with resistance, as DS didn't have an academic problem. But we pointed out that the fact he was spending so much time in the principal's office warranted some action by the school.

I don't know if you can just request an IEP without the school doing some sort of testing (or getting test results from an outside professional). A 504 might be a better first step, but I am far from being an expert in this.

eta: jaylivg, I PM'd you a few days ago.

Without a diagnosis or the suspicion that one is forthcoming, that is correct. Now, they can't IGNORE the request for evaluation... but the evaluation may not be very long if there is nothing in particular going on that suggests a particular direction to turn.

I am sorry your son is having such a difficult year, honestly, it sounds like a hellish year and I hope you both make it to the end with sanity intact.

That being said, rather then email the teacher, I would talk to your son about the boy who cried wolf.

In all honesty, he may not have said the offensive remark and it is completely unfair that he is being punished for it, but given the fact that he seems to understand that misbehaving is a choice and has decided to continuously misbehave in school (whether it be out of frustration or stress), he has inadvertently put a gigantic target on his own head.

No matter what happens, whenever he denies it, he is probably not going to be believed and will most likely be punished for it.

Trust me, the other kids know this and will be even more likely to blame him for things.

He is in a horrible catch 22 right now.

I would sit down with him and explain the boy who cried wolf analogy so that he understands why this is happening and explain to him that he has to really buckle down, make better choices to try to fly below the radar to get through the rest of the school year.

I am afraid that the two of you are probably not going to be able to change anything right now and are stuck in survival mode.

I agree with this. DS has a bit of a reputation for misbehaving now, and his classmates know it. I have seen other kids accuse him of doing something that I know he didn't do (I spent a few recesses at school to try to figure out what kinds of trouble DS was getting into). While I'm sure the playground monitors try to be fair, there is no doubt that when presented with a story from kids who are generally well-behaved versus DS, DS will not come out ahead. And this just makes DS angry and more apt to lash out.

This depends on your state/school district. In Texas you can get an IEP based on a few things besides academic problems, such as emotional problems, or autism. You could, in Texas, argue for an IEP based on extreme anxiety, for example. You wouldn't likely be very successful in getting acceleration or differentiation out of that though... more like counseling, designated quiet times, etc.

Some states allow for GIEPs (gifted ieps) in which the child can get an IEP specifically for academic help, even though the child is gifted and not behind in school.

Why do you feel that raising his voice is justified ? Maybe the other kid feels anxious, when someone raises their voice (you never know). I think I would try and teach him, to raise his hand, quietly approach the teacher and say what is on his mind.



This depends on what you have decided for next year. Have you decided to change schools or give 3rd grade a chance ? Or, perhaps, homeschool ? If you plan to stay in the school, you should perhaps do whatever you can, to mold your son into the behavior that the school is expecting. For what it is worth, I think the school is being very nit-picky and perhaps targeting your son. As others have said, once a pattern is established, it is very hard to change it

If you plan to change schools or homeschool, I would ask for a meeting with the teacher and principal, and discuss in detail what is going on, and how it is affecting your son/your family. Ask the teacher for advice. If she gives the vibe that she dislikes your kid, I would pull him out for next year.


As far as your questions on 504 or IEP, for a 504, you need a medical disability that affects your son's education. So, for that, you would need a diagnosis from a doctor. As HowlerKarma said, they cannot deny you the evaluation, but it may not translate into a IEP.

I really think you have to ask yourself some questions. Is your son more impulsive than others in his age/grade group ? Do you think a break from his current school will help ? Were his other grades (1st, 2nd, kindy, preschool) problem free ? If there are recurring issues that sound almost the same/that are the same, I would start learning more. If it is just the age and probably poor decision making when it comes to behavior/consequences, role model as much as possible, and also enroll him in social skills groups/camps over the summer.

It sounds like a horrible year. I hope it ends/subsides for you.

Just pm'ed you too .