Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Siblings of gifted children

Hi. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the smart but not exceptionally-gifted siblings jealousy?

It is very important to me that I take care of all of my children's emotional & educational needs. I am very proud of them. But they still see things as a competition they are failing. The second one was labeled gifted the others began saying "I am stupid" and that is not true.

Any ideas on how to help children see that normal is not a bad thing?

When my eldest DS was young, there were probably 3 kinds including my son who I'd called in the gifted range. One of them in particular and my son seemed to challenge one another intellectually. At times it was negative. Once my wife explained to my DS that, "There is room in the world for more than one smart person." and talked about how we all have our strengths and weaknesses, how God has blessed us all with our own unique combination of gifts. With that, it seemed my eldest greatly reduced his need to prove himself, he was content knowing that explanation.

The conventional wisdom (if they are biological siblings) is test one, test them all. I have seen too many cases where the sibling did not appear to the school to be gifted but upon testing turned out to be gifted and in need of much greater advocacy. Especially if there are undiagonsed LDs. Good luck!

Jen4103 we have a 20 point gap between two of our children. We try to focus on each child's strengths and effort. And also to remind that is no more acceptable to put down your sibling/s for not being a good singer than it is to tease about struggling with reading or math.

Also check out book Siblings without rivalry. I really love the author.

This is a great post. I worry about this in the future, and I particularly worry because they are both boys. If my youngest isn't gifted, or as gifted, I don't want him to feel he lives in his big brother's shadow. I am hoping the five year age gap will handle things for me!

This is a tough issue. My kids are 5 years apart, both girls, now 18 and 23. The 18 year old is PG; the 23 year old is fairly bright, but stronger in people skills than academically. The older one has been jealous through the years, it seems like more recently. It has driven her to work very, very hard in college to prove that "I am smart, too!" (as she says). She graduated Phi Beta Kappa last year, so that hard work really paid off. But it still requires much more effort for her to achieve things than for her sister.

I tell her that her (seemingly effortless) touch with people is a huge asset as well, but I think she still feels slighted. Her dad (divorced) offered to pay some of the younger one's college expenses for the next four years when he did not pay a penny for the older one. The older one is angry at her dad, thinks he did not think her college was "worth paying for". Note that I helped her pay for college, so she did not come out with any debt (so there is not a difference there at least). Their grandparents have also offered money for the younger one's college, which I will not be accepting (and have not told either kid about). So... my older kid is not wrong. There are unequal expectations and treatment of the two of them.

The older one has a great job, recently got promoted, and honestly may enjoy more professional success in her life than the younger. So... maybe this will fade later in life? It isn't interfering with family dynamics on a day-to-day level, thankfully. And I think neither kid would trade their IQ/people skill combo for the other sibling's.

I am assuming ds4 is gifted simply because ds6 IQ is high enough that there would have to be a big difference for him not to be (almost 2 SD) and I think that would be noticeable by now. They are different though. I'm not sure how much is innate and how much is from being a second child.

I mentioned above we have 20 points gap in VIQ, we hav a 4y 8mth gap and its the younger who has the DYS IQ. Having your nearly 5 yrs younger sibling catching up across the board is pretty harsh. So far our eldest isn't too distressed, but it's also still "catching up fast" and mostly not yet "over taken". And yet in so many ways that gap is NOT obvious. Certainly we were not aware when they were younger. I guess partly because of the age gap making comparisons hazier, but also because the eldest is still MG. and neither of them are academically focused.