Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What would you do (if anything)?

So my 3rd grader told me that his teacher said that he was a very rude boy. I asked him what he was doing when she said this. He said he was talking when she was giving out the classroom jobs. I asked what did she say exactly. Did she say that what you were doing was rude? Did she tell you that it's rude to talk when the teacher is talking? He said, "no, she said I was a very rude boy." I asked him if he thought he was a rude boy and he said "No, I don't think so, at least I don't want to be."

I find this comment very upsetting, but maybe I'm overreacting? It's not even so much the comment itself, but the significant degree of frustration with him that it suggests. This, coupled with the incredibly negative comments in his midquarter grade sheet, makes me really glad that school is almost done. But, I am not sure what to do about this. I feel like I should say something to her (but probably NOT any of the things I am thinking right now!).

If he's taking it to heart, I would probably suggest to his teacher if next time she could call out his bad behavior but not call HIM bad and how it affects him. Some people don't know the difference, though being a teacher she SHOULD know that! I wouldn't make much fuss about it because the bottom line is that he was disruptive but if this is the usual way she talks to him or about him than I'd want to see some change so he doesn't get all bitter.

I am also looking forward to the school being out! ... and my kids are only 3 and 4.5 but between boredom in pre-school and absolute defiance of the younger one in school therapy, I am very ready for it to be over!

I agree that her choice of words was very poor. Teachers are human, and they have bad days, and hey, some of them just aren't as good at their jobs as others.

If it were me (my DS8 is in 3rd grade also), I'd talk to him about how even adults sometimes choose words poorly, and explain (like MK13 said) that she should have talked about the behaviour and not him. Also remind him that when a teacher is talking, the students should stop talking so that everyone can listen, etc etc.

To me this is a perfect opportunity to teach him about effective communication, ie "what could the teacher have said that would have been more accurate? You know you're not a bad boy, but you should have been quiet while she was talking. Her words weren't very clear, were they? What are some other words she could have chosen?" etc.

Another advantage to this is that next time it happens (because it will, because the vast majority of people out there are imprecise with language) is that your son my reflect back and assess the situation objectively, rather than thinking he's a bad kid (and as a result be more likely to remember how to behave next time).

Turn it into a life lesson

What CCN said.

I am sorry, I am confused with the problem you have of her word choice. He was being disruptive in class and she called him rude. He WAS being rude. The definition of rude is very broad, it can be as bad as offensive or as mild as ill mannered or impolite. And talking when they should be quiet, is impolite or rude.

No where in saying: You are being rude is she telling him he is a bad kid. An impolite kid, yes, a bad kid, no.

I would explain to your son what rude means and why she felt he was being rude and use it as a learning experience and let it go.

kelly, I think that the objection was that she identified HIM as "a rude boy" (as in, that this is a perennial character trait), which sounds as though it really isn't ordinarily the case.

That would bother my ordinarily rule-following, adult-pleasing DD, too.

On the other hand, "That is SOOOOO RUDE!!" or even "you are being very rude, {name}" is a very very different (and much more accurate, as it happens) statement. Because it isn't about the child as a person, but about a behavioral choice which was transient.

It's like the difference between:

You're a very selfish person,
versus
you are being selfish.

The one thing (rightly) refers to a behavioral choice and the other to a personal attribute. Now, I have known people who ARE just plain rude. Not situational, it's kinda who they are.

But they tend to be pretty callous and indifferent to the opinion of others, too.

FWIW, my rule following perfectionist daughter would be bothered by being called rude, also. However, I still don't see the issue, she referred to him as a rude boy...or as by definition, an impolite boy, which he actually was guilty of being at that moment.

I know that no parent wants to hear that, myself included, but at some point we need to stop splitting hairs and own the behavior and any fall out that occurs from it.

IMO, the entire incident is as small as a blip on the radar. The boy was talking when he should have been listening, he was told that he was a rude boy for talking and that upset him.

When he came home upset I would explain to him why the teacher felt he was behaving rudely.

Keep in mind, she could have said nothing to him and marked him down on his report card (in the area that deals with respectful listening), which actually would be more aggravating, in my opinion.

She could have put it more tactfully, as well, but it sounds like she was annoyed by the interruption. At least he is aware now that this behavior is going to create friction so perhaps with parental guidance, he can come up with a plan to stay on focus and be a better listener in the future.

If it was a one time incident, I would simply ask him to apologize to the teacher on the next school day. I am sure she would be completely impressed with his thoughtful consideration and the fact that he recognized that his behavior was disruptive to her teaching.

I have to agree with the original poster, and other respondents.. it is very different to refer to someone as being a "rude boy" as opposed to saying that it is rude to interrupt. It is not at all "splitting hairs".. it is a negative comment on an entire person vs. a negative comment on a particular behavior choice. I also don't think it is a blip on his radar. Her son was upset enough to come home and tell his mother, even though it involved admitting that he was speaking out of turn. He was clearly very upset by this and it will stick with him. I also agree with the OP that it shows frustration on the teacher's part... not very professional to blurt out a comment like that, especially in front of the whole class. Perhaps it was a bad day, or perhaps she is specifically frustrated with this child. Either way, any teacher should know that you do not insult the child, you identify the problematic behavior. I would speak with the teacher and find out if she is feeling frustrated with the child, and why. I'd explain that, although he knows his behavior was wrong and he will work on not speaking out of turn, he was upset by her comments.

Making a distinction between "that was X" and "you are an X boy" is a shibboleth which apparently the teacher doesn't share. I think it would be ridiculous to follow it up. Paradoxically, insisting that these are very different is itself to encourage a fixed mindset. At that moment, he was a rude boy, because he was doing a rude thing. Doesn't follow that he was a rude boy five minutes later.

I'd do nothing, if faced with a similar circumstance. As some PP's have written, your son was being rude (talking), and the teacher pulled him up on it. Perhaps her wording wasn't ideal, but then again, perhaps his retelling of her wording wasn't 100% accurate either... I think it'd be a pretty difficult conversation to bring up with a teacher- a bit 'he said, she said' about something which is relatively minor. Point was, from the teacher, that your son shouldn't have been talking. Lesson learned.