Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What would you do (if anything)?

So my 3rd grader told me that his teacher said that he was a very rude boy. I asked him what he was doing when she said this. He said he was talking when she was giving out the classroom jobs. I asked what did she say exactly. Did she say that what you were doing was rude? Did she tell you that it's rude to talk when the teacher is talking? He said, "no, she said I was a very rude boy." I asked him if he thought he was a rude boy and he said "No, I don't think so, at least I don't want to be."

I find this comment very upsetting, but maybe I'm overreacting? It's not even so much the comment itself, but the significant degree of frustration with him that it suggests. This, coupled with the incredibly negative comments in his midquarter grade sheet, makes me really glad that school is almost done. But, I am not sure what to do about this. I feel like I should say something to her (but probably NOT any of the things I am thinking right now!).

If he's taking it to heart, I would probably suggest to his teacher if next time she could call out his bad behavior but not call HIM bad and how it affects him. Some people don't know the difference, though being a teacher she SHOULD know that! I wouldn't make much fuss about it because the bottom line is that he was disruptive but if this is the usual way she talks to him or about him than I'd want to see some change so he doesn't get all bitter.

I am also looking forward to the school being out! ... and my kids are only 3 and 4.5 but between boredom in pre-school and absolute defiance of the younger one in school therapy, I am very ready for it to be over!

I agree that her choice of words was very poor. Teachers are human, and they have bad days, and hey, some of them just aren't as good at their jobs as others.

If it were me (my DS8 is in 3rd grade also), I'd talk to him about how even adults sometimes choose words poorly, and explain (like MK13 said) that she should have talked about the behaviour and not him. Also remind him that when a teacher is talking, the students should stop talking so that everyone can listen, etc etc.

To me this is a perfect opportunity to teach him about effective communication, ie "what could the teacher have said that would have been more accurate? You know you're not a bad boy, but you should have been quiet while she was talking. Her words weren't very clear, were they? What are some other words she could have chosen?" etc.

Another advantage to this is that next time it happens (because it will, because the vast majority of people out there are imprecise with language) is that your son my reflect back and assess the situation objectively, rather than thinking he's a bad kid (and as a result be more likely to remember how to behave next time).

Turn it into a life lesson

What CCN said.

I am sorry, I am confused with the problem you have of her word choice. He was being disruptive in class and she called him rude. He WAS being rude. The definition of rude is very broad, it can be as bad as offensive or as mild as ill mannered or impolite. And talking when they should be quiet, is impolite or rude.

No where in saying: You are being rude is she telling him he is a bad kid. An impolite kid, yes, a bad kid, no.

I would explain to your son what rude means and why she felt he was being rude and use it as a learning experience and let it go.

kelly, I think that the objection was that she identified HIM as "a rude boy" (as in, that this is a perennial character trait), which sounds as though it really isn't ordinarily the case.

That would bother my ordinarily rule-following, adult-pleasing DD, too.

On the other hand, "That is SOOOOO RUDE!!" or even "you are being very rude, {name}" is a very very different (and much more accurate, as it happens) statement. Because it isn't about the child as a person, but about a behavioral choice which was transient.

It's like the difference between:

You're a very selfish person,
versus
you are being selfish.

The one thing (rightly) refers to a behavioral choice and the other to a personal attribute. Now, I have known people who ARE just plain rude. Not situational, it's kinda who they are.

But they tend to be pretty callous and indifferent to the opinion of others, too.

FWIW, my rule following perfectionist daughter would be bothered by being called rude, also. However, I still don't see the issue, she referred to him as a rude boy...or as by definition, an impolite boy, which he actually was guilty of being at that moment.

I know that no parent wants to hear that, myself included, but at some point we need to stop splitting hairs and own the behavior and any fall out that occurs from it.

IMO, the entire incident is as small as a blip on the radar. The boy was talking when he should have been listening, he was told that he was a rude boy for talking and that upset him.

When he came home upset I would explain to him why the teacher felt he was behaving rudely.

Keep in mind, she could have said nothing to him and marked him down on his report card (in the area that deals with respectful listening), which actually would be more aggravating, in my opinion.

She could have put it more tactfully, as well, but it sounds like she was annoyed by the interruption. At least he is aware now that this behavior is going to create friction so perhaps with parental guidance, he can come up with a plan to stay on focus and be a better listener in the future.

If it was a one time incident, I would simply ask him to apologize to the teacher on the next school day. I am sure she would be completely impressed with his thoughtful consideration and the fact that he recognized that his behavior was disruptive to her teaching.

I have to agree with the original poster, and other respondents.. it is very different to refer to someone as being a "rude boy" as opposed to saying that it is rude to interrupt. It is not at all "splitting hairs".. it is a negative comment on an entire person vs. a negative comment on a particular behavior choice. I also don't think it is a blip on his radar. Her son was upset enough to come home and tell his mother, even though it involved admitting that he was speaking out of turn. He was clearly very upset by this and it will stick with him. I also agree with the OP that it shows frustration on the teacher's part... not very professional to blurt out a comment like that, especially in front of the whole class. Perhaps it was a bad day, or perhaps she is specifically frustrated with this child. Either way, any teacher should know that you do not insult the child, you identify the problematic behavior. I would speak with the teacher and find out if she is feeling frustrated with the child, and why. I'd explain that, although he knows his behavior was wrong and he will work on not speaking out of turn, he was upset by her comments.

Making a distinction between "that was X" and "you are an X boy" is a shibboleth which apparently the teacher doesn't share. I think it would be ridiculous to follow it up. Paradoxically, insisting that these are very different is itself to encourage a fixed mindset. At that moment, he was a rude boy, because he was doing a rude thing. Doesn't follow that he was a rude boy five minutes later.

I'd do nothing, if faced with a similar circumstance. As some PP's have written, your son was being rude (talking), and the teacher pulled him up on it. Perhaps her wording wasn't ideal, but then again, perhaps his retelling of her wording wasn't 100% accurate either... I think it'd be a pretty difficult conversation to bring up with a teacher- a bit 'he said, she said' about something which is relatively minor. Point was, from the teacher, that your son shouldn't have been talking. Lesson learned.

Wow, I got swamped at work and only just now have had the chance to follow up on this thread. Interesting that some people see no distinction and others do. I actually do see a distinction, but I had to reread my original post to see why this thread went in this direction. I see that it was unclear in my post, but I actually didn't intend to ask whether the specific comment should be addressed with her, but rather the more general negative atmosphere in the classroom that this statement illustrates. He was clearly wrong (I am not defending his behavior).


This is more my concern. He seems to have checked out and escapes into his book. Her primary complaint in the progress report is that he is presenting minimal effort in his schoolwork and "wanders" when he should be working. His grades range from Bs to A+s, with the exception of participation grades which are generally Cs and Bs (but these reflect her perspective that he is not putting in enough effort). There were NO positive comments on the grade report. I think she feels that he is smart enough to get A+s on everything (which of course he is) and isn't satisfied with his show of effort that results in Bs and up. The rude boy comment was only concerning to me because it seemed to illustrate a greater degree of frustration with him than I expected. But, your comments reminded me that her level of frustration at that moment may have been coming from other sources as well and he and I did talk about that.

I actually did email her (not about the rude comment but about the comments on the grade report), asking for a brainstorming session on how we can get him more engaged, what strategies she's tried, asking the gifted teacher for help. Her response was not really satisfactory and I am of the mindset at this point to simply focusing on trying to get him a teacher next year that gets him. He used to be such an enthusiastic learner and I see that dying out, which really bothers me. I am not implying that this is her fault, I think it happens a lot at this age, but I don't feel like she has addressed it in a way that will inspire him to re-engage in her class. And I have seen other teachers that can and do. So hopefully he will get a teacher next year that is a better fit for him. I have a meeting with the gifted teacher next year to see if she is able to influence his placement, since our district is insistent that parents get no say in such decisions.

Thanks for your comments. Sorry for the confusion. I'd love ideas/strategies on how to encourage more than "minimal effort" at school and help keep him invested in school rather than just putting in the minimum and then checking out mentally. That is my biggest concern here.

Your additional information/background definitely changes the way that I interpreted your initial posting.

I am having somewhat of a similar situation right now with my DD(8) in 3rd grade. She scores A's on all of her academics but is getting lower scores on her behavioral grades, such as organizational skills, excessive talking, not staying on task, and just recently, treating her peers with respect.

I did talk to my daughter about these areas and she could not seem to identify specific problems, so I had to talk to the teacher to identify them so my daughter and I could come up with a game plan to make some positive changes.

Her desk is messy (what can I say, she is a bit sloppy), she finishes her work early and starts trying to talk to others out of boredom (she needs harder work), and the issue with respecting her peers was a single incident when she provided critical feedback during a reading group and the student who received the feedback cried. I did have to talk with her about not sharing criticism at school, but honestly, I was dumbfounded that a one time incident where she was not intentionally or maliciously offensive could result in a lower grade on her report card. The specific incident was that there were 4 girls in a reading group. One girl was the facilitator and was leading the end of story questions. My daughter said that the way she was presenting the questions was frustrating her so when she was finished she told the girl: I didn't like the way you asked your questions. I prefer book discussion the way XXX does it better.

Not the nicest thing to say, but honestly, I have heard kids at school say much worse things to one another.

I discussed this with my husband because I couldn't wrap my brain around how this could lower her report card grade and he pointed out something that I hadn't considered, but what your situation also reminded me of: he said because our kids do so well academically and normally behaviorally, their bar is set much higher. So when they act like any other normal kid or do something that other kids do on a routine basis that may be out of character for them, the teacher comes down harder on them.

I love my daughter's teacher, she is a great teacher and offers a good balance of kindness versus discipline. But I don't understand this.

I am sorry your sons teacher is not willing to consult with the gifted teacher. You are lucky to have a gifted teacher available on staff and I think that teacher could provide his teacher some incredible insight into your sons motivation issues.

As far as this school year goes, I would probably sit down and talk to him and let him know that these areas are where his teacher feels he could show some improvement. I would try to suggest one or two ways that he might make a better choice to make the teacher happy. Honestly, I told my DD that if she didn't at least make an attempt to bring up her marks then there would be a consequence. I feel that her teacher gave us mid semester warning, which IMHO is an opportunity to correct the situation before the actual report card time. I explained to my daughter that was very kind of her to do, since it is not a requirement. In this way I am making her take on the responsibility for the change. She knows what my expectations are.

I would also work with him at home if you can, offer him some enrichment that will keep him engaged in his love for learning. I would focus on fun enrichment, like science experiments or other outside enrichment, like a nature walk, collecting bugs, researching plants/flowers/trees that are blooming, birds that might be building nests or laying eggs.

I would definitely speak to the gifted teacher about placement next year.