Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What Does Your Child Say to Strangers?

The topic on how to talk about your gifted child brings to mind a question I have.

What have you taught your child to say to strangers when they make observations about their ability?

This weekend DS, hubby and I went out to eat. The waitress made a "child friendly" comment to DS about being a smart boy and he told her he knows seventh grade math. She looked at us questioningly and I said, "Actually, it was one problem in seventh grade math." DS said, "I'm in third grade math at school and have fifth grade reading!" Her eyebrows shot up at that and she asked how old he was. She was a bit like a deer in the headlights when he told her he was six.

Later that day when we were alone, I told DS that he shouldn't agree with random people who say he's smart and shouldn't brag on what he knows. I felt I was walking a thin line trying to explain it's okay to answer specific questions from a teacher or doctor, but to be more private with others. I don't want him to "hide his light under a bush", but neither do I want him making a spectacle of himself (and us). How do you convey this concept properly without making your child feel ashamed of what they know? I don't think I did a good job of it.

I'm sure that waitress was thinking all sort of things about us as parents. Not the least was our negligence in teaching our son not to brag on himself.

We dodged that bullet, thankfully, because DS(now 10) was terrified of strangers and wouldn't talk to them. Now she has social savvy. DS(now 8), meanwhile, couldn't sit still long enough to carry on a conversation. (LOL I don't have optimally functioning GT kids).

(phew)

"...social savvy." I love that.

I told DS that it's a matter of manners. I explained that when he was a baby and burped at the table, nobody thought anything of him not excusing himself. But they expect him to do so now.

Well, this is a really hard thing.

I like to teach this as an empathy-related social skill set as much as anything else. That kind of conversation can start with questions like:

"What kinds of things make you feel good about yourself? Are there things that you aren't so happy about? How does it make you feel when {person the child knows, preferably a peer} talks about their prowess/superiority at/with {area that the child is insecure about or struggles with}? Does it make you feel like you want to talk with him/her? Or do you want to stop talking to him/her? Why? Do you think that sometimes other people feel that way when you talk about yourself? How can you make them feel better about your conversation with them without lying?"

The other part of this is about social BOUNDARIES with friendly strangers. After all, there are a good many things which aren't necessarily appropriate conversation starters with strangers simply because they are more privileged information about us; no time like the present to build awareness about being circumspect about our personal information, right??

"What kinds of things are good ways of holding a conversation with a friendly stranger? Do they need to know {fill in with a variety of things that your child COULD talk about which are true}? Are there some things that we share only with some people? Why? What kinds of things do adults like to talk about with other adults who are strangers to us? What do adults seem to like to talk about with children? What things do you think that Mom and Dad don't talk about with strangers? What do you think our reasons are for not talking about {our house payments or medical bills, etc.} with most other people we know?"

I'm also fairly fortunate in that my DD seems to have a social awareness and empathetic skill set which is kind of freakishly good, so she has ALWAYS managed to avoid this kind of thing for the most part. We've had to encourage her that it is really okay to answer direct and specific questions honestly. She tends to be extremely evasive, to the point of erring on the side of weirdness sometimes in her effort to evade such things. She immediately evaluates whether the person talking has a reason to know her age or her grade... or is more likely to assume older or younger (chronological) age, and then she does everything in her power to confirm their impressions.

LOL.

DD9 is just starting to grow out of this behavior. A lot of it stems from her literalness - if someone asks what grade she's in, she has to specify "3rd grade Prism" (which is always heard as "3rd grade prison" and then we go down a different conversational path). She can't seem to bring herself to just say "3rd grade." Actually, the last time someone asked, she said "3rd grade gifted," and I told her afterward that that was much better. I've explained that when people ask that, they are usually trying to ask "how old are you?" but to be more polite about it, so she doesn't have to quantify that she's doing 4th grade curriculum in 3rd grade, but it's still hard for her to grasp.

DS4 doesn't really carry on coherent conversations yet, so it hasn't been a huge deal with him. (He converses with interest, but he's sort of all over the place, so you're never 100% sure whether he's answering you or just saying something that popped into his mind.) We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

We're in the heat of teaching DS family privacy, so your words hit home.

LOL

When someone asks DS4.5 the question "How do you know that?" his usual answer is "I'm just smart!". We did NOT teach him that. He somehow decided that that's how it is and I usually want to hide under the nearest rock or other cover. I tried to explain to him that he shouldn't say that but all he said was "why? I AM smart!". Hopefully as he grows older he can also keep his mouth under control a bit more! lol

...she has to specify "3rd grade Prism" (which is always heard as "3rd grade prison"...
Maybe that's a diversion?

How has she been received when she states she's in gifted? Is she perceived as a braggart?

We are lucky in that our four-year-old is still pretty oblivious to all of that. She is just starting to "get" reading levels. Although, she thought the second rainbow magic book she read was a level two, and the first magic treehouse was a level one (because of the numbers written on them.)