Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What Does Your Child Say to Strangers?

The topic on how to talk about your gifted child brings to mind a question I have.

What have you taught your child to say to strangers when they make observations about their ability?

This weekend DS, hubby and I went out to eat. The waitress made a "child friendly" comment to DS about being a smart boy and he told her he knows seventh grade math. She looked at us questioningly and I said, "Actually, it was one problem in seventh grade math." DS said, "I'm in third grade math at school and have fifth grade reading!" Her eyebrows shot up at that and she asked how old he was. She was a bit like a deer in the headlights when he told her he was six.

Later that day when we were alone, I told DS that he shouldn't agree with random people who say he's smart and shouldn't brag on what he knows. I felt I was walking a thin line trying to explain it's okay to answer specific questions from a teacher or doctor, but to be more private with others. I don't want him to "hide his light under a bush", but neither do I want him making a spectacle of himself (and us). How do you convey this concept properly without making your child feel ashamed of what they know? I don't think I did a good job of it.

I'm sure that waitress was thinking all sort of things about us as parents. Not the least was our negligence in teaching our son not to brag on himself.

We dodged that bullet, thankfully, because DS(now 10) was terrified of strangers and wouldn't talk to them. Now she has social savvy. DS(now 8), meanwhile, couldn't sit still long enough to carry on a conversation. (LOL I don't have optimally functioning GT kids).

(phew)

"...social savvy." I love that.

I told DS that it's a matter of manners. I explained that when he was a baby and burped at the table, nobody thought anything of him not excusing himself. But they expect him to do so now.

Well, this is a really hard thing.

I like to teach this as an empathy-related social skill set as much as anything else. That kind of conversation can start with questions like:

"What kinds of things make you feel good about yourself? Are there things that you aren't so happy about? How does it make you feel when {person the child knows, preferably a peer} talks about their prowess/superiority at/with {area that the child is insecure about or struggles with}? Does it make you feel like you want to talk with him/her? Or do you want to stop talking to him/her? Why? Do you think that sometimes other people feel that way when you talk about yourself? How can you make them feel better about your conversation with them without lying?"

The other part of this is about social BOUNDARIES with friendly strangers. After all, there are a good many things which aren't necessarily appropriate conversation starters with strangers simply because they are more privileged information about us; no time like the present to build awareness about being circumspect about our personal information, right??

"What kinds of things are good ways of holding a conversation with a friendly stranger? Do they need to know {fill in with a variety of things that your child COULD talk about which are true}? Are there some things that we share only with some people? Why? What kinds of things do adults like to talk about with other adults who are strangers to us? What do adults seem to like to talk about with children? What things do you think that Mom and Dad don't talk about with strangers? What do you think our reasons are for not talking about {our house payments or medical bills, etc.} with most other people we know?"

I'm also fairly fortunate in that my DD seems to have a social awareness and empathetic skill set which is kind of freakishly good, so she has ALWAYS managed to avoid this kind of thing for the most part. We've had to encourage her that it is really okay to answer direct and specific questions honestly. She tends to be extremely evasive, to the point of erring on the side of weirdness sometimes in her effort to evade such things. She immediately evaluates whether the person talking has a reason to know her age or her grade... or is more likely to assume older or younger (chronological) age, and then she does everything in her power to confirm their impressions.

LOL.

DD9 is just starting to grow out of this behavior. A lot of it stems from her literalness - if someone asks what grade she's in, she has to specify "3rd grade Prism" (which is always heard as "3rd grade prison" and then we go down a different conversational path). She can't seem to bring herself to just say "3rd grade." Actually, the last time someone asked, she said "3rd grade gifted," and I told her afterward that that was much better. I've explained that when people ask that, they are usually trying to ask "how old are you?" but to be more polite about it, so she doesn't have to quantify that she's doing 4th grade curriculum in 3rd grade, but it's still hard for her to grasp.

DS4 doesn't really carry on coherent conversations yet, so it hasn't been a huge deal with him. (He converses with interest, but he's sort of all over the place, so you're never 100% sure whether he's answering you or just saying something that popped into his mind.) We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

We're in the heat of teaching DS family privacy, so your words hit home.

LOL

When someone asks DS4.5 the question "How do you know that?" his usual answer is "I'm just smart!". We did NOT teach him that. He somehow decided that that's how it is and I usually want to hide under the nearest rock or other cover. I tried to explain to him that he shouldn't say that but all he said was "why? I AM smart!". Hopefully as he grows older he can also keep his mouth under control a bit more! lol

...she has to specify "3rd grade Prism" (which is always heard as "3rd grade prison"...
Maybe that's a diversion?

How has she been received when she states she's in gifted? Is she perceived as a braggart?

We are lucky in that our four-year-old is still pretty oblivious to all of that. She is just starting to "get" reading levels. Although, she thought the second rainbow magic book she read was a level two, and the first magic treehouse was a level one (because of the numbers written on them.)

No, actually, that seemed to go over better than anything else she's tried (but she's only said it once to my knowledge). If they want to know how old she is, the "gifted" is irrelevant, but if they want to know what she's doing in school, the "gifted" is important. The person she was talking to (and I honestly can't remember who it was) just seemed to take it as a matter-of-fact clarification.

Thanks for that insight. Perhaps being forthright about the "label" of GT in situations like that will help our son later on.

DS8 now emphatically states that "kids are smarter than adults!" He insists that he's smarter than his (non-gifted) Dad.

This makes me happy, actually, given the fact that ADHD is often accompanied by low self esteem. Not a problem with that kid

We don't have that problem as my DS14 never chats with strangers. It takes him a while to warm up to anyone. We still have to push to get him to order his own meal at a restaurant.

Although I do have a few priceless memories of the preschool years. Like the time we were at the zoo looking at the apes, when a family came by and exclaimed how cute the monkeys were. The kid actually piped up that they were apes NOT monkeys because they didn't have tails.

I may be in the minority here but I tend more to the I'm so glad he has positive self-esteem side. So what if your little child responds to "You're really smart!" with "I am!". There is a difference in my mind in a young child responding with information to a question versus going on and on. I really don't want to be another voice telling him that his gift is something not to share. His differences are often glaring just opening his mouth which is why the questions usually start to begin with. I see his responses as age appropriate and try to treat them that way.

Aside from any disorders affecting social awareness,I believe that most kids start tempering this behavior on their own around 8 or so. If you have a pre-teen still not getting it then that would get my attention. My child who is definitely 2e ought to feel good and proud of the things that are unique about him. It is special to be who they are.

At the moment DS's responses tend to make me laugh, they are very blunt. The most typical comment he'll get is something along the lines of "Wow, you are so smart!" to which he replies "I know" and continues doing whatever he was doing. LoL.

Believing in his own abilities is great, but not believing in his parents' abilities... not so much. An 8yo who is convinced his parents aren't very bright is likely to have anxiety issues if he thinks they're not capable of making good decisions that keep him safe and well cared for. He may perceive problems and be unable to be convinced when you tell him there's no reason to worry. So in your place, I wouldn't hold back from showing off a little.

I think you've gotten some great advice- so I don't have too much to add. But in our family I'd likely just try to keep the message simple. I probably would have said something along the lines of "when a stranger gives you a compliment, it is most polite to respond with a simple thank you." I've found that the more simple I keep it (no lengthy discussions of self-esteem or why his response was less than ideal) the more likely my literal kid is to get it right away and not start having an internal "was I bad?" dialogue with himself. YMMV.

ginaW~
that is exactly what I was going to add! a simple "thank you"

This was an interesting thread to read... learning how to navigate social situations is what we are always working on.

but a stranger is a stranger is a stranger--- no matter WHAT they are asking/commenting on, and as a result DS6 has been taught to IGNORE strangers and to not respond. ie On a playground, he would just not acknowledge and it would appear probably to the person DS didn't hear...

However, in simple matter of a waitress serving us food etc,(yes, a stranger- but he is with us etc)~ he typically acknowledges with a sweet smile and/or thank you. done.

No advice to offer as I have a kid (DD3.5) who comes across as a complete goof ball in front of strangers and even company we know. Unless anyone asked her something that would clearly indicate that she knows way more than her age peers, you would meet a kid who is jumping off couches, running around in circles shouting like a maniac or telling poop jokes.

YES! This is such a nice point to make. An individual has value on his/her own merits, and my own internal means of measuring my OWN self-worth should have little to do with how I determine the worth of others.

This seems (to me, as a parent to a highly pro-social/empathetic child) to be the crux of how kind and empathetic people see the world.

yup. This is why I think the school thinks I am crazy

DS 7 seems to attract the most comments in elevators or waiting for things when people overhear our conversations - it used to be about the books he was reading but now the comments are all about his vocabulary and the "big words" DS is using (insert overly cutsey parent voice here). I have never pushed DS to respond to strangers beyond what is polite, although sometimes he is just silent in response to their questions. And I am fine with that because its clear he is responding to some vibe from the adult and I want to encourage that, I want him to trust his gut that some nice looking people may not be nice and to not engage.

I had trouble with the he is so bright comments, so I would say yes or thank you and leave it at that. At about 4, DS would say, yes and I read a lot too. Or something like that. I let it go. The I am so smart comments wasn't a problem until he used it with kids when meeting new ones - and then we had to have conversations about how it wasn't necessary to lead with, how it then makes the kids say prove it and you have to act like a trained duck, and that its just rude and braggy.

But then again, 3-5 is also the age when the really bright kid stands out and is remarked upon, and I started changing my comments with other parents to emphasize what DS wasn't doing in order to fit in with the other parents - until I realized DS was listening. So I changed my tune to talk about accomplishments when asked, but to not elaborate unless encouraged by the strength of the relationship, and I feel this works well for settings like in elevators - simple thank you suffices. If DS wants to chat he will, if he doesn't that is fine with me.

DeHe

I'm normally so grateful dd gets a comment on her brains instead of her looks (blonde curly hair, blue eyes, crazy fun mishmash style of dressing), that I haven't worried about this. I suppose if it comes up a lot I'd go with what I say about the looks compliments--that we say thank you, and even better, say something nice back. Not necessarily about looks/brains but something nice. Because I had a hard time learning to take a compliment and so I've tried to teach her gracefully.

Eta-- now that DS is getting more comments about his talking/counting, and not just physical stuff, we're back to me awkwardly modeling for dd. Hopefully she'll do better than I! Why not, she's smarter

"Parent" ...singular. He raves about how smart his mommy is

I agree with you in general, although the two anxiety counselors he's seen (in our search for the right diagnostic direction, prior to arriving at ADHD) both say they see no anxiety in him (as in, nothing clinical - most people have some anxiety at times).

(Btw, I do correct him - I remind him that adults have wisdom and fully developed brains)

I think what's happening is that he knows he's clever, and when when you combine that with hearing adults say things like "kids are like sponges!" ...he's led to the conclusion that kids' brains are more efficient.

LOL... rock on!

Today in the car on the way to Kindergarten, DS was playing a Leapster game that involves division. I don't recall which one it is...he's had at least twenty of those since he's been three.

He was commenting on how he knows division now and how he doesn't like the rounding of five digit numbers his teacher is giving him. (Third grade worksheets) I told him to ask her to make up some problems for him to do instead of the rounding.

At school, he's in the hall hanging up his backpack and jacket with another classmate he's known since preschool. He tells her he knows division now. She was talking over him (thankfully) and I called him aside and told him not to talk about division to his classmates; only to his teacher.

He looked like I had told him he did something wrong. I felt really awful about it.

When my son answers that he's going to be in two different grades next year, people will ask, "Why?". He will answer, "Because I'm smart and I'm good at science." He sees this as being factual and refuses to alter the words. After a few discussions about how he feels when he hears the same words coming from a friend who is good at bike riding or swimming, my son has modified his response. He will start with the same phrase and then will tack on, "Everybody is smart and good at something. This is what I'm good at. But I'm not very good at other things like..."

I really like this reply because it doesn't diminish his strengths but it also shows that he is aware that others have talents and he does have weaknesses. So far, the extended response has been met with positive vibes.

It is a sad sad world when you can't boast about your success. Of if you do, you have to qualify them.

Normally the adults don't say anything directly to my son, usually directed to me and depending who it is, I try to downplay it (completer stranger) or own up to it (like the dentist) LOL I usually hear "how old is he?" I tell them and they say "wow he is really smart" or "I thought he was older" - that kind of thing.

I can't remember if he has ever responded about being "smart". I do know that he has no sense of privacy or boundaries because he would probably tell a stranger my social security number if he knew it. He always tells kids on the playground his name and age, his sister's name and age and sometimes tells people my name and my husband's name and how old we are, what city we live in...

LoL He sounds just like our DS.
The other day he got a bathroom scale as a gift (he was so excited to have his own finally) and wanted me to tell him my weight. Ha!