Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Fearing death - asking big questions

Okay, so I don't know if this has anything to do with giftedness but I think the approach to dealing with it does.

DS5 is nightly, for last month, crying, stressing, freaking out, and asking questions about death.

We don't know anyone that died; he just had the realization that we are not forever. I've tried to answer questions about God. Part of me worries about when he hears about differing religious views now though, because it will call into question all the things I've told him. And I'm sure that in his reading he will come across words like atheism, or reincarnation that I will have to explain. I'm glad we are not atheist, because at this stage, there is no way I could comfort and calm him down with that one. In his mind, nothing after, would be the worst possible thought.

How do we deal with this? Being honest is hard at this age...I hate scaring him even more. I try to be as honest as possible, but sometimes what I say works him up into a bigger frenzy. And he asks so many questions I don't have answers for. How am I supposed to explain that we know what we know?

So I am hoping, that in light of his intelligence and ability to ask the deep questions, there is a best way to handle this.
Experience and your insights greatly needed.

I know all kids probably go though this stage, but is five early? And should it just pass after a few months - hopefully??

I don't think that five is early. I think that's about the time that I figured out that the sun would eventually become a giant star and either eat the earth or burn the earth to a cinder.

I think that my existential anxiety/depression peaked around 18 or so and lasted through most of my early 20's.

What about telling him that you don't know the answer if you don't know the answer?

And about the questions that *do* have answers, the answers depend entirely on the question being asked, being that a materialist question/answer is quite different from an ontological/metaphysical question answer.

I figured out early on that my parents weren't going to be of any help with any of these questions, particularly with respect to cosmology, so there was no point in asking them and I was on my own.

Phey, am I recalling that this is your child with severe food allergies? Hmmm...

this is a pretty normal thing that all gifted kids seem to go through at earlier-than-comfortable ages... but I have to wonder if this is related to medical stuff and personal landscape.

This is one of those areas where being 2e can lead to some seriously thorny problems.

My DD has never had a time when she DIDN'T know that she could die, and sort of developed a gestalt surrounding mortality that stuns other adults. There was no point in lying to her-- she has nearly died, and the first time she was less than a year old. SO.

We often find that after a major event, she will go back to this negative place and cogitate on it a while.

Platitudes are not the way to handle this in a child who has a chronic and life-threatening condition, as I'm sure that you know.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't use religious reassurances much, either, in that case. I'd focus on the "why" of such concerns, not the "what." We didn't have a choice, because we are not theistic religious adherents, but in retrospect, DD has had no trouble with we believe that "there's nothing past this." We also included what OTHER human traditions believe, for perspective. DD considered this fascinating.

Mostly, we reassured her about the precautions and interventions that we can (and do) take to prevent death. That was really what she was worried about. She wanted a 100% guarantee, which we can't give. So we didn't. But we did give her a more complete picture with our personal lifestyle choices and statistics. Her personal risk of death-- annually-- is something about .1-1.0%. (Yes, this is far far higher than for most people, but it was enough to reassure her.)

She does not necessarily suffer a lot with managing Emotional OE, however. That would change things.

For managing anxiety particularly related to anaphylaxis risks:

a) reassure the child that s/he is NOT solely responsible for life-saving medications and their use.

Sometimes these kids can get the idea that we as their parents and they as little children are the only people who really "get" the danger, and conclude that anytime you aren't in charge of them, they are on their own for basic safety. (While this has grains of truth in it, it's not completely accurate, either-- other adults CAN be trained to administer medications, recognize an emergency, and call for emergency medical aid, right?) You can offer reassurances that the babysitter, teacher, coach, etc. knows about the allergy/condition, knows how to get help, etc.

b) differentiate between the CHILD's responsibilities and those of the ADULTS in the child's life.

This is really hard for HG+ kids with this problem-- because they read so early, you have to make it very clear that food safety/risk management still isn't 100% on them, no matter that it theoretically could be... because (as we their parents know) they don't yet have the life experience and judgment to parse all of the information yet. My daughter CARRIED her own medications from a VERY young age, but she was very definitely not responsible for self-administering it. She never worried about that, but kids who start self-carrying between 5 and 10 yo may get this idea, and translate it into a fear of dying. HG+ kids with celiac, TypeI diabetes, or RA can also have some of these same concerns. But we can help them to understand that they really aren't expected to undertake complete management at these young ages. It's hard, though, because they ARE managing elements of them, and those elements ARE pretty critical, and they are very definitely not chronologically "age-appropriate" when viewed through a developmental lens.


HTH.

I'd ask questions to figure out "why" this is such a concern recently-- that will let you know where to go with it. The fact that it has been going on so long indicates (to me, anyway) that something there needs addressing, not just waiting out.

This is something of a FAQ around here actually - if you're interested, this search in google:

death site:davidsongifted.org/BB

will find you many other threads on the subject. I'll just say I agree with HK, for now.

I definitely tell him when I just don't know. No problems with that. It is the how do I know what I know that is harder.

HK- yes he has severe nut allergies. But I really think it has little to nothing to do with that. We have been careful to say that he will just get really sick if he eats a tiny bit..but that we always have the epi-pens with us, and the chances of death are so small if he has an epi-pen that I don't feel like this is lying to him. We can cope with a reaction if needed. Luckily, by having a super OC parent, we have made it five years and only had the one original, first time trying PB reaction. So, I don't think that is something he is too worried about death because of.

Re: the different religions... (been there!) explain that everyone with a religion believes in a higher power - we just use different words. For example we say God, Jehovah's witness say Jehovah, Islam says Allah, etc etc. You could make a list of cultures and names for God and then show DS. "See? We all believe that there is a higher power - we just have different names, and different ways of worship, but it's the same higher power." It's like different languages: dog, chien, perro, hund, cane, etc etc... it's all the same animal.

Most importantly, don't lie. Yes, people DO die. It's part of life. Make sure your DS knows that it's normal, it happens to everyone eventually, and it probably won't happen for a long, long, long time. It's ok if he's afraid, but he doesn't have to be. Show him you're not afraid.

My kids had fun with the idea of reincarnation. I told them that really, no one knows for sure if it's real or not. I told them that Atheists are not bad people, they just have their own beliefs. My kids are 8 and 10 now, and we've spent a lot of time discussing how it's ok for people to have their own beliefs.

My two are both very spiritual... I remember a carpool ride with a classmate when my DD was about 7... the classmate was a boy (HG) who did not believe in God (he wanted scientific proof). DD was horrified! "How can anyone not believe in God??" This led to discussions about respecting other people's opinions and beliefs.

My DD10 was PLAGUED by fear of death when she was five. It was really, really hard (I was exhausted stressing about it). Not just fear of death, but intense sadness about it as well. My sister had a cat who died when DD10 was 7, and she was traumatized for months (literally). The idea that a beloved could cease to exists was too painful for her. She's always been extremely sensitive that way. She was 9 and saw a dead bird on the school ground and it made her cry all the way home. Nine!! I don't think it ever really goes away.

DS processes differently... he stays happy and bubbly on the surface but underneath he'll think about it... for weeks. Out of the blue, weeks later, he'll start: "What happened to the cat's body? Is he in heaven too? Can he see us right now? Did he know he was going to die? Does anyone know when they're going to die?" etc etc... then DD gets mad: "Stop talking about it!!!" and starts crying again.

The key, I think, is be honest and share info with your DS in small pieces (don't share too much too soon). You might just have to ride it out until he's a bit older... my kids calmed down a lot about it as they've grown. They don't seem to have any atypical fear ("I can't ride a car - I could die") etc. In spite of DD10 extreme fear surrounding it when she was younger, she's full of life with a healthy sense of adventure. DS, meanwhile, is all fun. It does get better

It's possible that his anxiety about death is directly linked to his religious background, because if he's already aware that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and he believes that God is responsible for everything that happens, then that's not the kind of ideological framework that can make a child feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Our household is also not theistic, and the question of death has never seemed to be a big issue for DD8. Just a couple nights ago she asked why everyone dies, but there wasn't any kind of anxiety wrapped around it... just a question. She's growing fascinated with the idea of religion in general, though, and just recently acquired her own bible, which she has decided to read cover-to-cover (good luck with that).

Well, tell him how you know what you know.

Do you mean explaining how you "know" matters of faith? My four year old has many questions about death (he's currently convinced birthday cakes kill since most people he knows that died had many birthdays...). As far as faith, we just explain it as such. No- there is no proof. But when I am quiet and still and listen to my heart, this is what I believe and I take it on faith. I don't ever state is as "knowing" though, but rather "believing." This leaves it possible for others to believe differently without being wrong, my child included.