Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Freaking Out -- "I'm Stupid, You Don't Love Me"

My little 7 y.o. boy is brilliant. He completely melted down, though, because he didn't correctly compute 16X16 in his head. We put math away for science fair and he's rusty on his multiplication skills. Because he forgot 6x6, thus leading to the wrong answer, he started crying that "I'm stupid, you don't love me, I'm the dumbest person in the world, I cannot do anything."

He was freaking out last night playing Apples to Apples if his selection wasn't picked as the "best answer," all with the same refrain: You don't love me. I'm stupid. I can't do anything.

Help. How do I teach him to manage feeling frustrated and to respond in a less emotionally catastrophic way?

When my DD10 was about 5, everything she said seemed to be connected to self-criticism. "I'm stupid" "it's horrible" "I can't do anything" etc etc. I was pretty sure it was related to perfectionism, but I was torn between that or attention seeking behaviour. I just didn't know. I'd calmly address each statement, eg:

her: I'm stupid
me: I don't think you are

her: it's horrible
me: I like it. I think you did a fine job

her: I can't do anything
me: sure you can, like (list examples)

After I laid the foundation of my countering opinions, I simply stopped responding to her negative statements. She outgrew it, thank heavens. I honestly have no idea if the way I handled it had any impact.

Good luck... it's tough, I know.

Maybe start a pattern of focusing alot more on effort rather than outcome and also focusing compliments on non-brainy things for a while. Try building him back up with accomplishments that don't have anything to do with knowledge or being smart, like helping you with things around the house or yard. My DD went through that stage but she's alot better now. They need to appreciate that they're smart but not having everything hinge on it. Also don't hesitate to acknowledge mistakes you make and either model relaxed behavior or sometimes if you have a humorous family, be really melodramatic yourself. If I humorously start freaking out if something's not working or I get somethin wrong or forget something (and have to turn around and go back and lose lots of time...) DD will stop, be speechless, then start laughing and we all have a good laugh.

Thank you both for great suggestions! I easily can see that the recent new label as "very gifted" also at the same time can create a lot of pressure and expectations. I also can see how it can be easy to overly reward meltdowns with too much attention. I'll really try to focus on non-intelligence related accomplishments and effort and be careful not to reward the meltdowns.

Thank you again!