Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school Can't relate to kids his age

My son is in his 2nd year at a small Montessori preschool. None of the kids in the 2nd year last year decided to do a 3rd year. They all went to public schools for kindergarten. The teacher says my son is one of the most intelligent children she has ever taught. She used to teach at a large Montessori school for several years before starting her own. Anyway, today she brought it to my attention that he is having a really hard time socially b/c of his intelligence. The other children just don't understand his humor, imagination or knowledge of things. They don't have the attention span to listen to what he is saying before running off to do something else. It makes him sad. It makes me sad too. I see this happen a lot at the local playground. His teacher asked me to talk about being patient w/other children. It is hard for him. How do I explain to him that he is different in a good way? I've tried linking up w/some of the kids that used to go to that school but it hasn't worked out. Not sure if they would've been good playmates either b/c the intelligence doesn't quite match up either. Any ideas? He loves to read (3rd to 4th grade level - think James and the Giant Peach), he loves science (bones, dinosaurs, planets) and loves math (doing some multiplication work). He's funny , super sweet and friendly. We do a lot of play dates w/kids his age, but something is missing. Sometimes they just end up playing separately, which is not what I want. Ideas? What do you think?

It's really hard, I've been there with my DD. I don't know where you live but we at least have been fortunate to live in more metropolitan areas where there was lots of stuff to do.

When she was that age I took her all around to different museums, the gifted association in our state had enrichment activities several times per year. You can meet people here and there and maybe you can arrange to meet if the kids mesh.
If not your DS will have the little glimmer of hope that there is someone else out there he can talk to.

If he's getting old enough for summer day camps this year, ones at science museums, zoos, and nature centers might draw some of the brighter kids and/or ones with those keen interests.

School is tough. For that I think encouraging your DS to read or watch at least some of the more popular things that the other kids/boys are into to have some sort of common ground interests or something to relate to.

For the patience with other kids, DD is still working on that but is so much better. She's developed a secondary language and way of acting to blend better but she doesn't always quite blend 100%. She's spent hours and hours, like alot of kids on this forum, in elementary school watching other kids learn, being expected to tolerate boredom, and being expected to build social skills with kids who she has to bridge over to constantly to meet them on their level. But over the years all the other things we've done and having her watch cartoons and read the popular stuff and do different activities has helped alot.

for the playdates where they just play separately, "parallel play" at that age isn't so bad. At least he's going through the experience of a playdate. I don't like lots of electronic time but some xBox etc games are okay at least they could be interacting!

If you need to withdraw sometimes because it gets discouaging (I used to do that sometimes) make sure you get back in the game. It's like dating - the more people you meet the more likely you're to find that special someone : - ) !!!

Mine is in K too. We met our friends that "clicked" through identified gifted activities. Before that it was always like you describe.

I still remember mine as a young one year old being totally freaked out and scared to death of the other children. He would say words to them and they would babble and grab at him. He was already speaking in sentences and it was frightening. He couldn't understand what was wrong with them. It was an early illustration of what was ahead.

There are gifted Meet Up groups online, university sponsored gifted programs, even Mensa groups where you can find other children he will mesh with. You might even find some here in your area who are searching for the same thing.

It is worth it to pursue because it is sad and isolating to not have friends and he (and even you) would benefit from peer relationships. (I have learned so much and found so much kinship in the mothers of my son's gifted friends.)

Thank you bzylzy and Happily Mom! All great ideas. The summer is ripe w/possibilites! DS will be in Kindergarten or his 3rd year of Montessori next year. None of the 2nd year kids came back for 3rd year or Kindergarten so he doesn't have any older kids to play with at school. I know I just need to get out there and really work at helping him socially.
Not sure what to do about Kindergarten. We have a few local magnet schools that are supposed to be for high achieving kids. All the tests were different and none of them measure IQ. He just finished his last test yesterday. A friend of mine has a gifted son that was told he failed one of these magnet school tests only to be told within a few days of entering his zoned public school for Kindergarten that he needed to go to first grade. They tested him and he knew everything K covered. She ended up homeschooling him.
We've thought about a bigger Montessori but it's expensive and we'd have to move. He's thriving in the Montessori environment and if he could mix with the older kids I feel certain he would make some great friends. He's very funny and friendly, but a little shy at first.
Totally understand about the kids tackling and things. There was child that was at the school for a short time. He was a real discipline problem. He grabbed the glasses right off a teacher's head and threw them across the room, destroyed materials, etc... DS did end up pummeling the child after a few weeks of the child tackling him and hitting and such. He finally had enough. I'm worried about DS being bullied in a public school if we go that route. Montessori kids for the most part seem to be respectful and peaceful. My DH and I come from traditional public schools. Montessori is so different than what we are used to.

Would love advice about what to do about Kindergarten. What has been your experience?

We were extremely lucky at that age since our Montessori early childhood and elementary classes shared a large space back then. I know the teachers observed that my son gravitated towards the older kids and really enjoyed them. Does your school have an elementary class? If so, would they be willing for him to participate with them during some activities? Even if he only spent recess or lunch with them, he might find the peers he's missing. Or perhaps he could join the elementary when they are reading. Just some ideas that I've seen in action successfully at our school- ymmv.

GinaW, that would be an excellent idea but the Montessori my son attends is on 2.5 years to Kindergarten/3rd year and no one enrolled in Kindergarten/3rd year this year so there aren't any older kids there. We will have to move about an hour away to continue his Montessori education beyond Kindergarten. I've toured the magnet schools for high-achieving kids and I'm not sure he would be challenged there. The curriculum is the same as the regular public schools only they are faster paced and have more enrichment activities. That's great. Only my kid knows everything they cover in K already and 1st and possibly most of 2nd. This is just my observation from touring the schools. Kids in 2nd grade magnet school are reading and doing a project on a book my kid read at 2 or 3. That's probably not going to interest him in the least by the time he gets to 2nd grade.

DS5 in that K year at a montessori now, not the only 5 year old but the only boy and now the eldest after another child left. He's lonely, and that's the downside. We worry also that when he joins the public system in 1st that he'll be the newcomer and not fit in as easily as if he'd started when everyone else did.

We went on vacation recently and by pure luck were next door to a bright similar age boy and suddenly DS had a buddy for a couple weeks, it about made me cry to see him have a budding friendship. And I did cry after it ended, not so much that he was missing his friend but just how long it could be before he gets along with another kid that well.

There are just many more upsides than downsides to having him in the montessori for K though. A small student to teacher ratio, lenient rules, spacious, plenty of run-around time, individualized instruction so that he doesn't sit through needless hours of ABCs, and I can pull him out anytime I feel like or bring him late and no one blinks. It's the least worst option for us, it's not ideal but I think lonely for friends yet basically happy is as good as we could have hoped for this year.

We have a gifted school an hour from us that I think he'd likely and thrive in both academically and friend-wise, but we'd have to move. It's an option for when the local public doesn't work out in a year or two. I'd love to do it this year but that's just not possible. And then there's the money aspect.

Because of the flexible attendance at the montessori I do take DS to homeschool type classes one day a week, where there is a mixed age group mostly older than him. We also try hard with finding camps in the breaks and summers that would attract other bright kids, and have made a priority to drive to those things even if they are far away. So far none of those things have turned into friendships but they've enriched his life much more than sitting through hours of practice counting or memorizing sight words would have.

So no solutions here but basically in the same boat. Nothing to do but choose the least worst option and work on planning for the longterm.

Thank you Polly. You totally get it.