Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Son is "difficult":Need da mother of all comebacks

So I've heard my son is "difficult" on two different occasions from other parents in his class. It is very irritating, but I have only laughed it off and replied that he is an interesting boy that loves to talk and think (or something like that).
He is certainly a challenge at times, I don't doubt that for a second, but it is so irritating to hear it from other parents. I find myself thinking things to the effect of, "at least he's not a brain dead follower like your kid", but I know that's awful and probably not true, so I would never say that (unless maybe the same parents make another negative comment about my kid).
Anyways, that's the first issue/topic. Anyone have similar experiences? What's the most effective comeback line?

Second issue/topic. So, my son is difficult. He's 7 years old, in second grade. This is normal I'm sure. He is very negative at times though. When we ask him if he had a good day, he always focuses on the negative, even if it's just one small problem from early in the day. He gets angry quickly and often yells about things. He can also be extremely considerate and thoughtful. He just has a huge range of emotion. I'm sure it's best to be very even with him, try to keep my own emotions consistent and mild, but sometimes I react to his outbursts.
Yesterday I watched him from a distance at chess club, and I saw him react to some kids that were lightly teasing him about his Frodo Baggins costume (there was a literary character costume contest). A boy asked him what the name tag said, and my son told him but the boy then called him fruit loop baggins. My son immediately got mad and when another kid laughed and repeated the name, my boy yelled, "just SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" This stopped the conversation, but I was a little upset at his behavior.
He hasn't always been this volatile. Is this normal? Any similar experiences? Is it an indicator of frustration academically? socially? (I personally think it's hard for him to make friends - he gets bossy - can't figure out how to change this. I was never this way growing up.)

Comeback: I'd probably let it pass without comment, myself, since you seem to agree with the statement. It just seems like it's not worth causing problems. But if you're certain your goal is to annoy people, you could come back with something like, "Really? You think so? Because he seems so easy to me. What were you doing wrong?"

2nd issue: I'm not sure I'd characterize that as "difficult." But yeah, it's common, at least around these parts. What you're talking about is emotional intensity... every emotion is just so much MORE with him than you're used to. That applies to anger, frustration, and sadness, but it also applies to empathy, love, and joy, too. The positive side of this is part of what makes these kids so endearing, so you take the good with the bad, and then work with them to help them channel those negative feelings in more appropriate ways.

My DD8 has exhibited that same kind of negativity, but she's getting better. There were times where I'd take her to the bounce house, we'd play for hours, and she'd come home and declare to her mom that she had a terrible time, because of the one time a kid pushed her. I'd have to remind her about all the good things that happened, and show her how all the good outweighed the little bad. Over time, she's become better able to sort that out for herself. She had a recent experience last weekend where she had ample reason to complain, but decided that it was overall a fun experience anyway. We've been working on this for about 4 years, though.

Your son's bossiness and negativity both point to perfectionism issues, another common problem for gifted kids. I find that the best way to deal with bossiness is to use the "How would you like it?" argument. You already indicated he can be very thoughtful, so here's a chance to help him tap that strength. We've also coached our DD and her playmates in the art of negotiation, and seen positive results. We don't solve their conflicts, we just mediate and give them ways to consider solving them themselves.

It could also be that the kids your DS is associating with are just a poor fit, and he needs a new group. If he was around older, more mature, and/or smarter kids, you might see a totally different set of behaviors from him.

Not that the rational helps in all moments, but it may be worth pointing out to him that when minimal efforts yields a strong reaction, people who are borderline bullies feel even more inspired. Or if your buttons are easy to push people will line up to push them.

As to the other parents' remark, I would try to figure out if the root is their own observation, something their kid told them, or something the teacher said. Mostly because if the teacher is saying something to the class that can lead to a fairly hostile environment.

Well, while it's obnoxious of other parents to comment on it, I think that the truth is that he is somewhat "difficult" for other people, from your description.

My probable response to that kind of statement from other parents depends on who is saying it and the other circumstances (yes, pretty invasive/intrusive, but hey... you wouldn't BELIEVE the hurtful garbage that I have heard...):

a) the stare. If you can muster a look of mild disapproval mixed with amazement that's even better. Say nothing-- because you are just as speechless as if the person had just mentioned that they encourage their dog to defecate on your lawn. There are things that civilized people pretend to not notice-- at least to SAY, anyway-- and this is one of them. Would they also say "Wow, you must struggle with a child so obviously uncoordinated."? Probably not.



b) The question (but you MUST keep your tone perfectly neutral, maybe even a little pleasant): ~awkward pause~ " What do you mean, 'difficult?'"


The bottom line is that it is NONE of their business, and you probably cannot 'educate' someone about it to any useful effect, so discussion is a waste of time. And it annoys the pig, by the way. While one-upping may feel gratifying in the moment, this is modeling the exact same sort of retaliatory behavior that you do NOT want your son using, n'est pas?


If you have no idea what is behind your son's behavior, and it seems to be global, it may be a developmental thing for him. It's possible that he's just struggling with who he is, and where (metaphorically) he is headed, and how he's going to fit in. Unfortunately for you, it sounds like you also don't have any kind of roadmap for understanding his motivations/intentions/feelings from the inside out. That is very frustrating as a parent, because it leaves us powerless to do anything to HELP our children to develop healthier communication and coping. A professional can be a good resource if the problems are having a really significant impact on him.

Does anyone else in his family have experience from that perspective? Usually such character traits (if that is what they are) will be present in at least a few relatives. They might be able to offer some clues for you, and perhaps a different way of viewing the behavior. That could lead you to some ways of channeling it or modulating it without changing WHO your child is. That may be a better strategy, if this is a hardwired trait where you and your child differ significantly in character, personality, or temperment.

Hmmmm. Other family members with the same traits? Well, his Mom is a bit of a perfectionist and very structured. Always does things thoroughly and has never taken a shortcut in her life. She is a very intense yet understanding person. Never heard stories of her having trouble as a kid though - seems that she was always the model child. My side is much less structured. Pains me to word myself this way, but maybe more on the "artistic" side. In the back of my mind I always pictured my son being the result of these two worlds colliding. He seems to have the most intense traits of both of us, except multiplied several times over.
My daughter is the polar opposite of my son. Nothing like him. He reads for hours. She runs in circles for hours. He worries. She is fearless.
Not sure where that gets me though. We can both relate to him in certain areas, but even in those areas, he is amplified.
His Neuropsych told us that he would outgrow this stage, but it's hard to wait this out. I just worry that he won't outgrow it. That he'll get worse and then we won't be able to calm him down or call him back to us. Maybe that's an exaggerated vision, but as a parent you fear the worst case scenario.
His Dr. is out of town, so I thought getting some ideas here would help give us a clue to start.

I come here for advice often. I tell myself it's for guidance, not because I have no clue what I'm doing
I will hopefully talk to the Dr. soon. And hopefully I'll get peace of mind.

If I'm correct that this is emotional intensity, it doesn't go away. It's part of who he is. It'll get worse in the teen years, then recede somewhat in adulthood, but he'll still be markedly different than his peers.

Emotional intensity can actually be an extraordinarily valuable asset (acting, public speaking, sports, etc), but at this stage he'll definitely need help in learning how to manage negative emotions, find appropriate outlets, etc.

Well... my take is that you don't need a comeback. He DOES sound difficult. And a lot of us know from experience out here that other people are generally a lot less accepting of our kid's bad behavior than we are. In fact, I know our kid sort of trained us to put up with some of her bad behaviors for a while.

It is difficult to get him to adjust behavior in a group when you aren't there, but you absolutely determine how you as parents react when he has an emotional outburst or treats someone inappropriately. It seems like that is the first place for him to learn how to control his emotions -- then work with him to transfer those skills to other kids.

The Frodo Baggins story is just the sort of thing he will continue to encounter. When my D (now 17) was 7, she read the whole LOTR trilogy over a few month period. But I bet she did not have a single classmate who knew who Frodo was... his age mates are NOT going to understand him, likely for years to come. But I always figure as a parent, it is part of my job to teach her to be (if not gracious), at least reasonably appropriate and respectful with other people. And to seek an adult's help if the other kids are teasing/being unkind (don't just lash out).

I guess I would need to know more about his behavior. Is the "shut your mouth" example typical, with excursions into worse behavior? Where I'm heading is, this may be more than just feeling emotions intensely. It may be a problem with behavioral control that needs to be addressed.

With regard to the other parents -- is your son regularly exploding at their children and verbally attacking them? If so, this may actually be their attempt to build bridges to you. It may be that they are trying very hard not to brand you as Evil Parent of Evil Kid and instead are trying to start a dialog with you about it.

That was my thought too. Sounds like you already have a neuropsych on board and have ruled out any developmental disorders? We have seen a lot of this kind of explosive and inflexible behavior in my DS10 who has autism spectrum disorder.

DeeDee

Responses to other parents, depending on the read of the situation:
"We're working on it."
"Thank you for your patience you show in class."
"Time for some coffee?"