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My very first post... I feel like I could write pages of questions, so I am forcing myself to be succinct!

My DD is 5 and currently in kindergarten. She has frequent emotional outburts and is very sensitive. She is also very manipulative. She has a strong personality - she likes to tell the other little girls what to do, when to do it and exactly how SHE wants it done. This often leads to meltdowns and other less-than-desirable behavior during play dates (lots of tears/pouting/manipulating, etc.)

I have a lot of anxiety over how she behaves and how other parents will perceive her. (And yes, being fully honest, how they will perceive me as a parent.) I'd love any thoughts from any parents who have dealt with or are currently dealing with similar chilren... (I'm not alone out here right? RIGHT?!)

My DD(5) has a similar personality. We have noticed that her less than desirable behaviors tend to diminish when she is around children 2-3 years older than she is.

Yeah, only mine likes to tell even me and my husband what and how to do stuff. He'll go as far as saying "hi" to someone friendly in the checkout line and say, "mom, don't be rude. say hi to her." I don't think he's more bossy to the other kids than they are to him. It seems like all the kids that age are into making rules, "you can't pass by without a password- here's the password" (for example of what other kids do). I don't know about the other parents judging you, because honestly, everybody has different likes and dislikes and things they just can't stand.
My own kids seem to have a lot of feelings, but they don't seem to last long. My five year old whines a hundred times a day. (embarrassing and frusterating- I mean a musical, grating, been practicing, puppy dog whine. what they used to call a spoiled brat whine). But then the moment's gone and he's playing again. Same goes for the fighting with my toddler. My two kids are inseparable, but they fight a hundred times a day. It's over the next minute. Those hundred problems a day sure do seem like a lot though. What do they say, "the days are long, but the years are short."

Every child does this to some degree at that age, I think, so I'd chalk this up to age-appropriate behavior, and the concern here is the degree. Perfectionism and being able to outsmart her peers would make it worse. My DD8 does this from time to time, but she also had experience with an older playmate who took it to an extreme, so that gives her a framework for understanding the other side when we point out what she's doing.

In the case of the older playmate, the biggest problem that I noted was that her and her brother were consistently able to manipulate their parents, always getting what they wanted eventually, so she applied the same mindset of always getting what she wanted to play dates... with disastrous results. Both the kid and the parents have lost multiple friendships over the child's behavior. So it's definitely something you want to address, if it's as bad as you say.

In our kid's case, the situation is far less severe, because she learned early on that when her parents say no, we mean it, and when necessary we'll draw a red line where continued badgering will end in loss of privileges for her, and the longer she continues, the more privileges she'll lose. This teaches her how to accept that things don't always go her way. When conflicts arise with her friends over a toy or activity, we (mostly) don't step in and solve the problem, we leave that up to them, but we do coach them about negotiating an outcome that both can accept.

if I were in line and a little boy in a very practical way told his mom "don't be rude, say hi" I would think it was so funny, but obviously the mom has her job cut out for her...it would seem like to me what my grandmother would call "a boy who was born a little man".

Leadership skills are important and they don't always come off so well on kids, and annoy many adults, but given the right direction they should be useful someday.

Hi,

DS is 5 also and has been pretty similar, it is embarrassing. For a long time it was obscured by his preference to just do his own thing but at some point he wants to be social and then has this need to run the show. Confusing because he is so bright and yet so socially inept in the arena of understanding that his own enjoyment would be enhanced by relinquishing some control, that his behavior is affecting the enjoyment of others.

He also is better with kids that are older, I've thought it seems to be because they tend to do novel things and he forgets to be controlling long enough to get started playing with them in a more neutral way -- plus older kids are good at managing his control attempts in a more adult way "yeah, maybe later, but right now lets keep playing this" versus "No you can't" (which DS would just take as a challenge).

We actually entirely stopped having playdates at our house for a while, his own space seemed to be the worst. We've just started again and it's much better now.

I think it may be just gaining maturity, but he seems to be improving. We are also taking every opportunity to compliment him if he's gracious or thoughtful of our (us parents) opinions or ideas, explaining that it makes us feel liked and like we're his friend when he follows our interest for a little while, pointing it out when he does it (which he does quite a bit). And explaining in great detail over and over about sharing in that sharing is not only sharing the physical possession of toys but sharing is also allowing others to be in charge an equal amount of time. It seems to help him to think of it in terms of turns. We've also tried to be better ourselves at enforcing that he not be in charge all the time in play with parents and in general share the emotional space more with us parents, find TV shows we all truly do want to watch more often, etc.

Also I've role played lately for maybe 1/2 hour a week maybe 4 or 5 times, I've said firmly, "I'm going to pretend I'm your new friend on a playdate at your room and I'm going to play with all your toys and if you whine or make faces that makes me feel like you aren't happy then we're putting whatever toys we're playing with away for a month". I make a big show of doing things with his toys that I know he wouldn't like. (Oh it made me feel good to watch his eyes widen). We did have to put away one item. But it turns out he can behave like absolutely the perfect host under those circumstances, he says things like, "oh you want to play spiderman (a vague friend's game that he hates), awesome, what shall I be?". I would say at the end "wow it was so fun to play at your house, you were so nice, can we be best friends".

So I'm not sure what it is in there that's helping but he's improving, he's 5.5 now, a lot of it may just be mentally growing up and realizing how much he really does want people to like him. Thinking about it I think it's partly been that both DH and I have bonded together on this one issue (we are sometimes pretty different about parenting but various embarrassing events have caused us to feel so aghast at his behavior we have gotten really united on the need for change) and come down really relentlessly on him about it.

Having said all that, he is still very bossy. I would go back and do things a little different at the age of 6 months if I had realized his natural personality.

One area we're still having terrific problems in is structured games, board games, any games with concrete rules. He wants to play by his own invented rules. He does have great ideas for games and yes many games are dull they way they are, but that's not the point. He bursts into tears at any suggestion he play by other rules than ones he makes up. At this point he gets anxious if anyone even mentions the word game.

The best outcome for that so far has been to make a big joke of it all and for us parents to invent rules that are absurd. Ie for bowling that if you hit the gutter it's infinity points. Which makes me believe that the root of it for him is an intense perfectionism and competitiveness that he himself is unaware of, he feels anxiety when presented with rules for a new game because he worries he may not do well, but isn't really aware at all of his own worries. That's all I can come up with. We've never made a big deal of it, always have complimented participating versus winning, etc. Perhaps we can figure out how to manage it better. Any ideas on that appreciated!

Polly

to the original poster, though, this personality is tough and I agree with using humor as much as possible and to start thinking of it in terms of learning strengths and challenges (like low threshold for tolerance) and the more you get to understand her, the more you'll be able to figure out how to help.

And the role playing idea above I think is really helpful. Do you think her ideas for playing are more complex and intense that her peers? You can keep trying to meet more kids and try to not worry too much about the parenting thing.

Some parents of easier kids act sort of smug, maybe they don't mean to, but I'm sure you're trying your best and are always seeking new things to try. Just try and relax (easier said than done) and be proud of yourself and it might help your interactions with your DD. One of the nicest things someone said to me once when DD was being especially intense several years ago and they watched me trying to deal with it was a dad who was there said "phew - that's got to be a tough personality to deal with, you handled that really well!"

Of course the feedback isn't usually that encouraging or understanding...

Try to not always make it seem like it's her fault when you talk to her but that she has to learn about herself and how she can navigate people in the world. She might already feel different that her peers and that's part of her anxiety. You could get her to try and talk about how she feels when she plays with different kids.

If it happens on a playdate and you can intervene, just ask her to stop and think of the other child's idea or have them take turns for how to do things. It's helpful to make it "cognitive" as much as possible and she'll gradually get better.

also, for a friendship idea, my DD hasn't really become friends with an older child (haven't really gone that route) but her closest/most comfortable friend for the past 3 years is 1)equally creatively intense as DD - sometimes even more with her ideas! 2)the youngest in her family and has bossy older siblings, so she could immediately handle any initial bossiness from DD and they actually worked it out between the two of them rather beautifully when they were 6 years old and they remain very balanced with their playing and interacting.

I have been traveling for play and work and remiss in responding and THANKING everyone who responded. Hearing from parents going through the same thing is the biggest �exhale� and so needed for my sanity. This board is like free group therapy.

It�s a good reminder that ALL kids do this to some degree at this age. She is five�. I have to relax a little and let her mature. And all people have things they can tolerate/not tolerate, so as adults one person may find my child�s precociousness somewhat endearing where another might think its obnoxious. I am striving to get to the point of realizing that their opinion shouldn�t affect me� it�s a work in progress.

Polly � so much of this rings true. My daughter seems to regress when the play date is at our house and it is her toys she has to share. And board games� holy cow. I want to think its cute and creative, but sometimes its actually irritating when she goes off on a ten minute diatribe of the NEW rules and inside I�m thinking �My sweet child�. WHAT the h-e-doublehockysticks are you talking about ?!� but outside trying to be supportive and encouraging. I LOVE the idea of role playing and I haven�t tried this. Definitely going to incorporate this and see how it works. I think she is going to eat it up.

Bzylzy � great advice all around. Especially about not making her feel like its her fault. I am sure I do this, and its possible I am making her feel more �different� if she already feels this. Kind of an aha moment.