Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DD10 and food issues...

At our house anxiety about food goes up and down in parallel with stress and anxiety in other areas. However, we have made huge progress in this area.

My DS was very, very inflexible about food. Then I reached the point where I really got tired of dealing with the food (same dinner every night for some 3 years-- balanced but limiting our lifestyle). We changed the rules: he had to eat what we eat for dinner. We set a minimum number of bites he HAD to eat before being excused from the table, and a higher number he could eat to win a reward (at first this was YouTube videos, but it has changed over time). Every time he took a bite that was difficult for him, we made a big positive fuss (high fives, big smiles, adoring comments).

We had yelling, crying, complaining, and hateful comments at the table, but he ate. And has continued to eat. Now the range of acceptable food is larger; he still gets anxious or eats too slowly with unfamiliar foods, but he is eating them, and the range is continuing to increase. He surprises us with comments. ("I like tacos." !!!!) We are going to *restaurants* now, with pleasure. What a change. After that we worked on related issues with lunch, especially going through the lunch line at school and tolerating the school cheeseburger that is not just like the cheeseburger at home. It worked.

Critical to our success was that we really worked on flexibility in play and in other activities first, before tackling the food problem. He needed to learn that flexibility first, or I think our dinner work would have failed completely. And because his ABA therapy program taught him to obey instructions and hang in there for a reward, we were able to follow through on the food issue.

I do think that solving the food problem is important, because it limits a person's social world to not be able to eat in restaurants or be invited to dinner and know they might not be able to eat what’s there. It is part of the overall project of raising a person who can be flexible enough to participate joyfully in whatever comes along in his life.

For our other kid (long story), we have had some success with a feeding clinic, where they specialize in behavior modification around food. That's another perfectly valid way to go. If it's anxiety, the overall behavior change will support changing the food behavior, and it may be better to tackle the overall problem of being flexible across the board first.

DeeDee

I think this is such an excellent point... my DH is affected in this way. Our kids are still forced to come with us wherever we go and just deal with it, but DH actually makes social avoidance decisions based on what the food will be.

I'm just going to chime in here and mention that as preteens, a lot of kids with other extraordinary stressors in their lives can turn to using food as a locus of CONTROL.

That is, if you make a big deal out of it, the child learns that they have a 'handle' that they can use to leverage things from those around them. ETA: The reason why this is dangerous territory is that it's a recipe for disordered eating, which is all about control, not food.

If your doctor isn't worried about nutritional deficiencies/harm-- hearing the honest truth about what your child eats, I mean-- then it probably isn't something to turn into a battle.

This is an area where the autonomy of the child really can't help but win in the end.

Highlight what your child is MISSING as a result of the behaviors, find out if those are things that matter to either of you, and ask if s/he wants to change. Maybe explain your logic if you disagree... but... if the answer is no, then you're pretty much nowhere without that cooperation. JMO.


I'll also put a plug in, here, as someone who has a life-threatening food allergy to shellfish... it really bums me out to HAVE to forgo some social activities because I have to think about my (in)ability to be "flexible" about food. When I suggest a 'different restaurant' or opt out of sushi, I'm not being "controlling." I really don't have a choice other than "no." I'm flexible about other things-- gracious, even. But food isn't one of those things, and all too often stuff becomes ABOUT food when it doesn't even involve food directly. So yes, being able to be flexible if there's not an organic medical reason behind it? VERY much more important than most people realize. If you refuse food (particularly as an adult), YOU OFFEND OTHERS. No avoiding it. Trust me.

DD6 is very much like Dude's child mentioned above, but without the "canary in a coal mine" life-saving sensitivities. There are very few things that she will eat, so she has quite the repetitious diet. DS10 is expanding his horizons, but has been very limited as well, so ever since they were babies they have had Ovaltine chocolate milk in the morning and/or at bedtime -- Ovaltine has tons of vitamins, so it balances out somewhat the things they don't get from food. I tried vitamins several times, but always had an overdose risk because they would start sneaking them.

I would consider seriously that the sensory issues ARE the problem. I would also not turn food into a control issue ever.

Our eldest daughter refused all solids until well over 2, it took us until nearly 9 yrs old to get her reliably eating a decent array of healthy foods and to teach her appropriate food manner with other people (never commenting on the smell or appearance of other people's food, how to politely refuse, etc). And then we put her on an elimination diet and she lost almost every "healthy" food she had never wanted to eat in the first place and was left with a diet that we would previously have been appalled by, that she loves and on which she is healthier and better functioning than she has ever been...

Thus with child #3, who has extreme food problems and was sick and in pain her entire first year of life, we do not push any food ever. We are well aware that if she refuses a food (from the very limited list of foods that she theoretically CAN eat) it's probably just toddler pickiness, but we never ever push any food she refuses now, for fear that we will teach her to eat food that is actually bad for her, as we did her older sister. We do keep offering food we believe to be safe for her, but never force it.

Oh and they will both eat sugar and fat like it's going out of style. Ghee with a spoon... Gag.