Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How do you know?

And, what age at what time? And, is there a way to predict the age you are going to get at any given time???

Back to the original thread.....

And herein lies the question(s) . . . right?!

Good thoughts.

I've often been most flummoxed by people who come to the conclusion that we "aren't letting {DD} have a childhood."

The reason that I'm never sure what to say to that one is that, well... in some ways she ISN'T her chronological age. Should we patronize her? Infantilize her? Clearly that carries its own price, most specifically in her self-esteem.

On the other hand, turn most people loose with my 13yo for a few afternoons and they forget completely that she IS only 13.

They start imposing 18-21yo expectations on her. WE are generally the ones who are putting the brakes on THAT kind of behavior and shielding her from it.

You know that you have one of those kids when you start hearing "Oh, you know... I just forget that she's not another adult when I get to talking with her" when your child is many years from even being an adolescent.

That's been one of our toughest and most relentless tasks in raising a PG child. WE aren't the ones trying to rob her of childhood-- the world at large seems to be dead set upon it, however.

I got flack from people when my two were younger for "over scheduling them."

The truth is, I couldn't handle them. I had to have them in multiple activities ongoing, or the inactivity would leave them restless, hyper and stressed out. Now it's a little easier because they can manage their own energy a bit better and they can self direct. When they were younger though... none of the other toddler moms understood and I was "critiqued" often.

Interesting point, Howlerkarma! I can tell when my kid's frontal lobes have short-circuited and she needs to be treated like an actual 4 year old, but most other people can't. They judge her by her usual behavior, and conclude that she is just suddenly being "bad." You're right, they're the ones not letting her be her age.

CCN, I sometimes feel like I'm overscheduling too, but I also just can't handle my kid's need for constant input! So I'm outsourcing it. Waiting for the day when she can self-direct for more than 20 minutes at a time!

As for the original post, strategies for deflecting are really useful, but there's also the underlying feeling of isolation when you have to do that. When I got this mid-year kindergarten admission for Hanni, I was really surprised at how my nearest and dearest, who KNOW what she'd like, said things like "She can always do kindergarten over again next year, right?" and "Don't let her get too far ahead." I quickly adopted the line that it's a really good thing that this school does mixed age groups, so that it won't be weird next year. That seems to calm people down. I let them assume that next year she'll be in the K-1 group again, when in fact it's more likely she'll be with the 1st-2nd group. It works, but meanwhile there's this wall between me and them.

I think whenever we as parents do something that is outside the norm, we question ourselves. And that is perfectly normal. I doubt there are easy answers to the question of whether we are doing too much or not enough, but the fact that you are asking the question is the most important, because that means you care t monitor the situation.

As for monitoring academic readiness, that is somewhat easier as you can see by ongoing test scores and the work coming home if the level is closer to appropriate. If the school does testing like NWEA MAP testing, which goes above level, you can see where your kiddo falls among kids in higher grades.

Social readiness is sometimes a leap of faith, because you don't know until you do it. but if the school has come up with this plan, it's a good sign that they think he's ready.

When our kiddo started skipping/changing schools, we made a point to make playdates with the friends from the earlier grades. DS8's best friends are agemates (one in a grade below and one who is also a grade skipper). I recommend keeping in touch with old friends, though he will make new ones too. With luck, your DS will get along with some of the kids in 3rd after the break, and going to 4th won't be an issue because he'll know the kids already.

As for what to tell other parents, we found that the ones who knew our kiddo were very supportive, and the ones who didn't really know him were satisfied with "The school decided it was best for him since he already completed the requirements in the lower grade." That stopped the questions, anyway. We also added that we felt lucky that our DS still got to see his other friends in afterschool activities like scouts, YMCA camp, etc.

Good luck!

We did a grade-skip with our daughter this past year -- skipping 3rd grade so she's in 4th grade now. I'm also a teacher, so I understand how you feel when it comes to being surrounded by other people all day long who "understand" education and honestly ARE "experts" in education and the unsolicited opinions you may get. Honestly, though, we have had to deal with those attitudes from other adults MUCH less than I'd thought we would. For one thing, I try very hard to not bring it up. I honestly think about half of my colleagues -- who have known me for a long time -- don't even realize that my DD9 skipped a grade! They just know that she's in 4th grade, and I think they assume that they're just confused and don't want to admit to me that they don't know what grade she's supposed to be in, so they play along and pretend like they've known all along that she's supposed to be in 4th grade this year. I have to fight the urge at times to "explain" our decision when no one has actually even questioned it, just because I feel defensive and assume that people are getting ready to ask about it. So, if people don't specifically ask about the grade skip, I don't say anything about it. The few times that people have asked something specific about it, I just usually say, "Well, it was just the best decision for all of us to make at the time and she's doing great!" and they very rarely ask any "follow-up" questions.

I sometimes have to "justify" it to myself in my own mind when I second-guess myself by remembering that we were not making the decision between having a "normal" 3rd grader this year and a "too-young" 4th grader this year. For our daughter -- just like for most of the kids we discuss on this forum -- "normal" hasn't been an option for a LONG time!!! We didn't push her to do something she wasn't ready for, we just refused to keep holding her back just because of her birthdate. It was a terrific decision and we have a happy 4th grader with plenty of friends who is still making straight As, but is learning something every day and having to put some effort into those grades.

If I were you, I would take everything one step at a time. Don't commit to 6th-grade-as-a-4th-grader for him now. Just take the next step...and let him "wear that" for a bit to see how it feels. I really believe that you'll know when you've reached the "sweet spot." For us, I think DD9 would be fine academically if we skipped her another grade, but that really isn't on my radar right now because I feel like she's doing great where she is. If things stop feeling so great in another year or two, we may re-evaluate and move another step. I think baby steps are absolutely fine unless you're confident that giant steps will be best. I think the thing to realize is that you're not going to find the "perfect" fit for him -- you're just trying to find the balance that best meets his academic, social, physical, and emotional needs. I feel like we'd tip the academic scales too much one way if we had kept our daughter with her same-age peers...but I currently feel like we'd tip the emotional and social skills too much the other way if we'd accelerate her by a second grade level even if that would be an even-better academic fit...so this is her best fit for now.

One thing we've done to help my daughter adjust is to let her keep some "power" in terms of making decisions about whether or not she wants to accelerate a grade level in sports teams (some are age-based, but some are grade-based)...in summer camp...in church...etc. Mom and Dad get to make the school decisions, but the others are up to her (and she's elected to stay with same-age peers so far, though I anticipate her to change in another couple of years). We've also talked a lot along the way about the purpose of school and that school needs to be a place where you learn new things. Without the grade skip, she wasn't learning new things and she knew that. This mindset has also helped her handle some frustration along the way -- I don't understand this certain concept right now, but it's okay because I'm supposed to be learning new things in school.

So, anyway, hope that helps some. I thing you just take it a step at a time if that's what you're comfortable with doing. You know your kid, and you know that you're doing all of this FOR him and not TO him. I think the other adults may be easier to handle than you assume. Best of luck with all of your decisions!