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Hi all, I haven't been around for a while, but yet again, I'm stressed out and I'm back! I am a homeschooling mother of 3 aged 6.5 - 1. Although I've asked about homeschooling, I do suspect this happens with other children. (Or I'm hoping so.)

Anyway, I have found my family needs routines and rhythms. We are sort of unschooly, sort of not, but well, I find it all works as long as I am completely on top of it.

But everything is negotiation, argument, constantly wearing me down!

The middle one needs to go outside every day or he turns feral, but I can't just have the routine that we go outside. Oh no! I have to cojole him out the door every {Expletive} day! And if I don't, he is awful to be around, and if I try any stricter approaches, that blows up too. Ditto the oldest and work. And the youngest and nappy changes.

I am exhausted, and what happens is that sooner or later my willpower and stamina run out, the whole thing blows up and then it's even more work to get it going again.

So how do I get off this rollercoaster? How do I get things to a sustainable place?

Realising that is more a vent than a real post - I think what I'm asking for is some comisserations, and maybe some ideas for how to get things on a more even keel. Ways to get things going in a way that doesn't rely so strongly on just my energy and effort?

What about a homeschool PE class for him, or aikido or horseback riding or some other physical outlet?
Mine weren't as young as yours when we started homeschooling, but we included PE as part of the deal. My son played rec league soccer four times a week, my daughter's goal was to learn to ride her bike (she has some physical issues that made this a yearlong goal)and we went to park playgroups with other homeschoolers at least twice a week. Plus field trips to locations that usually involved hiking or being outdoors. I found we had to keep up a pretty high activity level if I expected them to sleep at night.

The other thing is that I think, when homeschooling (especially if you lean toward unschooling) it's imperative to let them know what's open for discussion and what isn't. Mostly we ran our "school" pretty democratically. But there were some times when I had to play the dictator card, and they just had to learn to accept that. The other option was to go back to a regular public school situation-- and no harm no foul if that's what worked out, but those were their choices.

I would second the suggestion in getting his outdoor/physical time in some manner that doesn't require you to engage in this dynamic. Whether it is a sport, reg ed PE, or a homeschool PE trade, I would think it gives you a much needed break while giving him one as well.

What about a visual chart that you can hang somewhere prominent that shows your daily schedule? Something big and colorful with a very general schedule that the kids can help you come up with. I'm thinking of general categories like Breakfast, Getting Ready, School Time, Outside Fun, School Time, Lunch, Relaxation, etc. So, when middle child says he doesn't want to go outside, you just respond with "The chart says it's outdoor fun time!" and it's no longer personal, no longer you trying to cajole him out the door but rather the chart just stating a fact. And then you could still keep the unschooliness for the specific activities within each category.

Obviously easier said than done (as with everything in parenting) but IME, when I can blame things on "Well, that's just the rules and Mommy can't help that" then things can sometimes go more smoothly with less argument.

And I do commisserate with you! I hope things get easier for you very soon.

I really do feel your pain. I have been homeschooling since the beginning, and now my kids are 10 and eight. Those early years were hard!

I agree with what others have said, that it gets so much better. I was thinking about the things that I did that helped me get through those earlier years. I think there are a few things. It probably boils down to something like structure, and a certain amount of time for me to socialize and be alone.

When things turned the corner for me in terms of starting to get better was when I started going to the local gym every day. My kids could stay in the childcare room while I exercised for 30 minutes. It felt great to exercise of course, but the best part of it was probably that I got to be in my own head for that time every day. I could think my own thoughts and not be interrupted! I also discovered that just seeing the same faces every day of the week put me in a better mood. I didn't have close relationships with any of the people that I saw at the gym, but just saying hello to a few friendly faces always lifted my mood. I think that it can be very socially isolating to be with small kids all day. And it is kind of paradoxical, because of course there's this forced extroversion where you're constantly having to talk. It's a weird and difficult combination.

Going to the gym also got us out of the house nice and early. My kids would wake at 5:30 or 6:00, and it was hard to wait until child are opened at 8, but once we were out of the house, our day could get started. We would often leave from the gym to go on an outing.

The more time I spent with other moms and their kids, the better it was as well. I got a lot of validation and we could always commiserate with each other.

In terms of school stuff and academics, when my daughter was about five, we started doing more "school on the computer." In the beginning, we were using time4learning. She would do that for a few minutes four or five times a week. It wasn't great, but at the time, it was good enough. I felt that she was getting what she needed academically, and yet I didn't have to be that involved. Since she could mostly work on her own on the computer, it didn't matter that I needed to be chasing my tornado toddler around. School on the computer has become important to us since. And I have learned that there are many wonderful resources out there. It still is a great way that my kids can be really challenged and engaged academically, without me having to be there every single second.

I guess the last suggestion I have is that I always found it easier when we were out of the house. Of course, it's a Catch-22, because when you have little kids, it is really hard to leave the house! But when we finally made it to the zoo, or the library, or the museum, we usually had fun. That is when I enjoyed it the most.

I meant to say one more thing -- I absolutely didn't clean! Still don't, really! And I get my groceries delivered!

Thanks!

middle DS isn't old enough for many classes.

We did have a chart but I think it's outdated now. I might try it again. It probably wasn't big enough or 'sparkly' enough!

gabalyn - I agree, its the structure and finding the structure that works for all of us, but did you find the srtructure hard to maintain. Because I think that's what is killing me, the hard work to maintain the structure that is questioned and argued about EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It is driving me mental.

Today my middle one has finished eating lunch, he is supposed to go straight to relaxation after the meal. I told him to go. He argues that "that [the meal] wasn't lunch" so he doesn't have to go to relaxation. I've already done all the explaining why and all that, but he acts as if I should explain it all over againa dn its something new every day. The others do it too, that example is just fresh in my mind right now.

My DS has always been really challenging like that. A real negotiator. He gets the nickname "attorney" or "litigator" wherever he goes. It was exhausting. It took me awhile to realize that it worked better with him when I didn't explain or negotiate -- when I was just as clear as can be. Example: he interrupts when I am on the phone. I say, can't you see I'm on the phone? Well, that"s actually not that clear. My daughter understands that type of communication. To this day, my son does better if I say something plainer, such as "don't talk to me until I am off the phone!"

This really hit me when I was reading "how to talk so kids will listen, etc." The tips in that book generally did work for my daughter. She did appreciate knowing I was listening. My son just thought that any expression of empathy was an invitation to negotiate. It never worked. I did eventually use the abhorrent but effective "1-2-3 magic" technique with my son. I still find that he does better with
Limits that are black and white.

Btw, while I am talking of parenting books, the very best one ever that really does help with a huge number of things is "Playful Parenting." it is great and could be a sanity saver.

Also, I hope I didn't give the impression that it's like West Point around here with my son. He is a totally delightful kid. Strong-willed, and he has endless energy for sparring and negotiating, but we also have a ton of fun together.