Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parent conferences only for c and below

I agree with the above, and would also add that when you are advocating for a student at school, email conversations may be limited due to the school staff being very careful re what they put into writing due to liability concerns.

polarbear

I only had one parent-teacher conference in 3rd grade because the fall conference was the only mandatory one. This year, for 4th grade, the teachers specifically informed the parents that a conference was not necessary unless the student was not doing well. I don't remmember but I think it might be the same C cutoff. I did not bother with a conference for either DS or DD because I just did not see the point. I also know that there is not enough 15-minute time slots in one day to accomodate all the parents. If I did have an issue to discuss, I would request an appointment when I am not restricted by the 15 minute limit. Particularly in your situation, I would rather have a separate appointment on a different day when you would have your teacher's full attention. With the 504, you should have a lot more leeway to request meetings.

A lawsuit a few years ago by parents who found out with only weeks to go before graduation that their son was failing and wouldn't be graduating has resulted in a GLUT of parent conferences as part of the settlement. Every stinking year from sixth grade through graduation, our schools shut down for three days or have half days for a week to have student-led conferences with their "sponsor teacher" (randomly assigned to x-number of students) where our kids tell us what they want to do when they grow up, the goals they have to make to get there and how they are going to reach those goals. These have replaced the previous - and far more useful - conferences with the actual teachers working with our kids on a daily basis. Now the only way to get a conference is to contact the school counselor and request one ... and that automatically triggers attendance from one of the school's principals as well.

Thus, we've found email much more effective, if only to circumvent the ineffectiveness of what is currently in place.

Sigh--we're facing this again over here. It's conference time, but we got an email from DD's teacher saying DD has straight As and the teacher has no significant concerns, so she feels there is no need for a conference. We are having a great deal of difficulty with DD at home right now, so some part of me wants a lot more info on how things are at school. However, I don't think this teacher likes her, so I'm hesitant to go in and say "Really? You don't see any of xyz negative behavior at school??" Since we also are still thinking she may have ADHD or an ASD (highly functional, if so), I'd also like to ask her for gut feelings on DD's social/emotional function. However, again, I worry about putting more negative thoughts into this teacher's head.

(insert endless thought loop here re: Can she possibly have ADHD if she is getting straight As in a gifted magnet and is only MG??)

One significant trouble area is homework; DD gets about 1.5 hours of it a day, and getting her to do it is a battle. I feel the HW is NOT APPROPRIATE, period, but the school (a gifted magnet) seems to be lockstep in requiring this. DD has no apparent learning issues, so I don't have any reason to request exemption from any of this.

Depending on the child, there's a high likelihood that the teacher does not see any of those behaviors that you see at home. It definitely happened with my DD. When I described the daily emotional meltdowns she was having over spilled milk (yes, literally), they looked at me like I was visiting them from another planet. When I told them how much she hated school, they said she seemed happy. They did describe a child who was shy with teachers and didn't seem to be connecting with the other children, which I don't recognize in my slightly guarded, social butterfly DD (she'll watch you for a bit before deciding if she wants to be friends, but then it's on).

The reason we were talking about two different kids is that my DD was trying so hard to be "good" at school, despite being so unhappy with a whole day of learning zilch. By the time she got home, she couldn't stand the pressure anymore. Several times she didn't even make it in the front door before she blew, and the bus stop was only three doors down.

So, yeah... if your DD is one that puts a high value on "being good" and blending into the crowd, your teacher might be seeing a kid you wouldn't recognize as your own.

Dude- What you are describing is exactly what I dealing with and struggling to manage my ds and about to lose my mind with his teacher. My ds gets in some trouble at school, but wants to be good (ex. Got in trouble yesterday because he didn't want to do "butterfly arms" during a song. Really? I wouldn't want to do that either.) I also notice that his behavior at home gets worse as the week progresses and much better on the weekends. He was my sweet, amazing boy during holiday break. His teacher doesn't believe that he doesn't like school, because she says he's engaged and the first to help. He's just a pleaser. I have taken your advice and have told him that I am working with his teacher to make it better. I very exhausted and frustrated, but still trying.

I agree with others that conferences often are not the best time to ask for an in depth conversation with the teacher. Our conferences tend to be jam packed with data that the teachers are required to share. There usually is no time to talk before the teacher needs to move on to the next family.

I get the impression that you still would like to talk to the teacher. I would send her an email asking for a time to meet outside of conferences. I would list the points that you would like to cover in the email to give her time to process and come up with a response. You may want to say that you understand that things seem to be going well in class but want to make her aware that things at home may indicate your kid is stressed.

I also have kids who can hide when they are miserable. I've had more than one perplexed response when I've brought up that my kid came home in tears or didn't want to go to school. The good teachers want to know when the kids are burying stuff.

See, the thing is, she isn't a pleaser or a hider. So that makes the whole thing more perplexing. However, she does want to get good grades and receive character awards, etc., so it may be that she is adequately motivated by that.

I debate whether or not school is making her stressed. It seems like a v. stressful environment this year, but things do not get better on weekends or vacations. Summer was very bad for us last year.

I guess, in the end, my core question is "Do I want to discuss my doubts and worries and problems with my child with a teacher who has signaled to me in many ways that she does not like DD?" (She doesn't seem to like anyone much, though!)

if that's your core question, then I would say no - why make it worse for DD, you might end up validating teacher's bad attitude or she might bring the new knowledge into classroom dealings with DD.

But I wonder what you think the teacher will provide that will help you at home - I think it would be worthwhile to hear what the teacher says, and maybe subtly try to inquire as to any of the things you are worried about - but its highly unlikely the teacher will provide useful means to correct the problems you are having with DD.

This is probably apples to oranges but last year when DS was getting homework in K and we had not yet gotten an IEP or OT it was EXCRUCIATING! Once we realized this was really something and not just defiance (although there was some of that) I completely changed my attitude about homework. Its still hard and he has more now in 1st (its accelerated so its 2nd grade) as he can turn into a snail and doesn't want to do it and procrastinates. But I have let it go - I no longer stand over him, or even sit with him to do it. He is getting the OT so I have outsourced the working with him to fix the situation - I just do what the OT asks of us when she does. So I am just checking now, he brings me his homework and I tell him to fix this or that, and he does. So 90% of the time its not an issue. the 10% is not fun however!

You obviously haven't had the resolution we have had in that he is getting assistance for something that is a problem and he is getting tools to handle the problem. So I am sure that is frustrating but I would take the grades as a sign that she can manage at this point - I would continue to seek therapy or those types of options in order to find the tools she needs to not be driving everyone insane - but I would really encourage you to let homework go - get out of the firing line - let her take responsibility to do it and live with the consequences.

I don't know if this would work, but you are obviously stressed by what she is doing at home - so regardless of what is going on at school - you need a change at home.

I also wonder how hard it is for her to be so good at school - such that she dumps on you at home - but the summer vacation thing seems to belie that.

DeHe

It's not really a binary proposition, where she either absolutely is or is not a teacher pleaser, but I'd say that if she's focused on winning citizenship awards, she at least has tendencies to please.


The question I would ask here is, "What grade is she in, and how long has she been in an inappropriate learning environment?" Because our experience was that the longer DD was in a bad situation, the longer it took for her to detox. The one year she stuck out the entire school year, first grade, she was... uhhh... better over the summer, but she still wasn't really herself.

After we pulled her out early this year for homeschooling, it took over two months for her to really start becoming herself again. This is two months of knowing she doesn't have to go back to school again, and of actually learning things at an appropriate pace, which is very different from being on vacation.


This sounds like a whole other problem, which may need a totally different approach... like the talk-with-other-parents approach, and/or make-a-formal-complaint-to-the-principal, because if the teacher is generally nasty to all the kids, you're probably not the only parent concerned, and only when several parents complain will the school begin to take it seriously.

"Inappropriate learning environment" is one problem, and "godawful teacher" is another. In combination? Yikes. My condolences.