Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Depression? Anxiety? Or just sensitivity?

DS9 has always been really sensitive. But lately it seems like he is just angry all the time. I wonder if it's a self-esteem thing, since it really seems to set him off if anyone suggests he is less than perfect. If his karate instructor corrects his form. If his teacher tells him to pay attention. If I remind him of something he forgot. Today his teacher wrote a note in his agenda that he had an attitude with her. Apparently (at least as he tells it) there was a misunderstanding about what he was doing, and she didn't listen to his side of the story. Even so, it was just a note, and I listened to his side and simply told him to be careful, because IF I find that he's causing problems in school, he will be in trouble. He was in tears for a long time, because he saw it as being unfair.
I know gifted children tend to be oversensitive and perfectionists. But is this beyond what is normal? I'm worried he will not have any friends if he continues this way, which will make it ten times worse for him.
He is currently in his room writing in his journal - I thought that may help him calm down a bit. If anyone has other ideas (we've done the "rate it from one to ten" thing - it only helps for a few minutes and he's all upset again) I would really appreciate hearing them!

Honestly, I don't know how close to puberty he is. That did cross my mind, since I recently had to start buying him deodorant. But he has classmates that have been doing that since they were 7, so I doubt that is a good indicator.

He's not much of a talker, but he does say that he hates school and wants to skip to fourth grade so he can actually learn something. I'm starting to think there is a definite downside to raising him from birth to believe that it is good to challenge yourself. This year actually started out much better than most, but I think the novelty has worn off. I have a conference with his teacher next week, and plan to discuss this with her. She has been pretty accomodating so far, so I'm hopeful we can figure something out.

But do you think a lack of challenge at school could be responsible for him being like this ALL THE TIME? I have always worked with him on extra math and history after school, and lately he seems to have lost interest in that. I would think if it was just a lack of a challenge, he would continue to enjoy doing that, right?

This sounds a lot like my DD. She has depression and anxiety diagnoses, although we find that we have periods where things are much worse and then when they mysteriously get better. We have wondered about hormones, but she is a small and slim 8 and has absolutely no sign of puberty.

FWIW, my DD is like this with adults but not with friends. For whatever reason, she isn't as touchy with her peers--UNLESS it is someone she perceives as frequently hostile to her, in which case there can be issues.

He doesn't seem to hate everything - but is EXTREMELY sensitive to criticism, which sometimes makes him seem like he hates everything. For example, he adores taekwondo, and is very good at it. (He was within a few points of being state champ for his age division last year). BUT....if he feels like he is being criticized too much in class (his instructor tries to be positive, but it's her job to make sure he is doing it as close to perfectly as possible) he gets really defensive and grouchy. For a while, I thought he hated going to class, so I asked him if he wanted to quit. He was horrified at the idea, and then freaked out because he was afraid I was going to make him quit.
He does seem to react differently among his peers - to an extent. He has a small group of friends, but tends to keep everyone else at arm's length. Which means making new friends is not something he is even interested in. That worries me a bit as well, since his father is military and we never know when we are going to move and he will have to go to a new school where he doesn't know anyone.

This is SO much like something DD would do. I wish I knew what it was about! I would say perfectionism, except she isn't really that much of a perfectionist. It's more a hypersensitivity issue. She tends to blow criticism way out of proportion and to be very reactive. She's also a black and white thinker, although this is slowly improving. If someone gently criticizes her, then they think everything about her is bad. If we are mad at her, we don't love her. Etc.

ETA: I will say also that she is just an emotional person all around and tends to say things she doesn't mean. After she feels better, she is fine and feels a bit sheepish and bewildered that other people are still affected by all the negativity she has discharged. She also will easily say that she knows we love her, etc, once she's calmed down. But in the moment, it's like she sees red and her emotional temperature just goes way up. Unfortunately, there is a lot of collateral damage from this in the family--it really upsets her little brother when she gets like this.

Well, it does make me feel slightly better that there are other kids who act this way and neither the child nor the parents have been institutionalized yet. I think we all need a reminder once in a while that our children are not as completely "out there" as we think they are.

"...yet."

(kidding)

Oh, I'm sorry, Master of None - I didn't answer your question. No, I don't know how gifted he is. I've discussed achievement testing with the school, and thought about having it done independently, but my husband and I are still deciding IF we are going to do it, and if so, how. Toward spring, the school will do it for kids who have been identified as AIG - but they're really vague about the type of testing and the requirements, so I don't even know what to think about that. As of right now, all I know is that he is reading around a 6th grade level, and in the process of learning pre-algebra. (At home. At school, he is still working on rounding to so-and-so place).

Lots of pieces here... If school isn't challenging, at some point they can develop the perspective that school is wasting and or stealing their time. If they are sincerely interested in learning, then the hypocrisy of a school claiming to be a place of learning can be nerve-wracking. I'd suggest looking for some of the articles about underachieving, because that may be the trajectory.

I hated most criticism as a kid; my DS6 likes help but criticism or anything repeated to him gets on his nerves. I had my own strange (and usually effective) ways to get from point A to point D, and critique involving telling me to do B then C before D would drive me insane. It's a peculiar art to offer a critique that doesn't tromp on a personal process. If they have the same sort of perspective, then the biggest sin to be aware of is trying to tell them what they think.